


Of Buff Barbarians and Perky Parthenian Dancers.

by steeleye



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Conan the Barbarian - Fandom, Conan the Destroyer, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Red Sonja - Fandom
Genre: Comedy, Gen, Multiple Crossover fic, action adventure
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-28
Updated: 2015-07-11
Packaged: 2018-04-01 16:43:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 44
Words: 128,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4027291
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/steeleye/pseuds/steeleye
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A shopping trip to the mall to buy clothes for Dawn ends up with both Faith and Dawn standing naked on a barren hillside.</p><p>Cast into a world of Buff Barbarians and Perky Parthenian Dancers, over-blown evil wizards and over-muscled heroes. Faith and Dawn use a mixture of extreme violence, larceny and exotic dancing to carve out a new life for themselves.</p><p>How will our heroines fair? Will this strange world of the past survive? Will they ever become queens in their own right and wear crowns on troubled brows? All these questions and many more will hopefully be answered before Faith the Buff Barbarian and Dawn the Perky Parthenian Dancer finally ride into the sunset.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Buff Barbarians and Perky Parthenian Dancers.

By Dave Turner.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer or anything else. BtVS belongs to Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy. ‘Conan’ belongs to the estate of Robert E Howard (I think) and everything else you might recognise belongs to the copyright holder and not me. I write these stories for fun not profit.

 **Crossover:** Post S7 BtVS with; 'Conan the Destroyer', 'Conan the Barbarian', 'Red Sonja', 'Monty Python and the Holy Grail', scenes from the film, 'Silent Running', and the TV show, 'Terminator; the Sarah Connor Chronicles', various songs, Bible stories and other Fairy Tales and 'Thrud The Barbarian'.

 **Spelling, Punctuation, and Grammar;** Written in glorious English-English, which is different to American-English.

 **Timeline:** BtVS; A month or so after the end of S7. The slayers have moved to Cleveland (the one in England) but Buffy and Dawn have not yet gone to Italy.

 **Words:** 43 Chapters of 2500+ words.

 **Warnings:** None.

 **Summary:** Buff Barbarians and Perky Parthenian Dances.

A shopping trip to the mall to buy clothes for Dawn ends up with both Faith and Dawn standing naked on a barren hillside.

Cast into a world of Buff Barbarians and Perky Parthenian Dancers, over-blown evil wizards and over-muscled heroes. Faith and Dawn use a mixture of extreme violence, larceny and exotic dancing to carve out a new life for themselves.

How will our heroines fair? Will this strange world of the past survive? Will they ever become queens in their own right and wear crowns on troubled brows? All these questions and many more will hopefully be answered before Faith the Buff Barbarian and Dawn the Perky Parthenian Dancer finally ride into the sunset.

0=0=0=0

**Part One.  
'Faith the Destroyer'.**

_Between the years when the oceans drank Atlantis and the rise of the sons of Arius, there was an age undreamed of, when shining kingdoms lay spread across the world. Hither came Faith the Buff Barbarian and Dawn the Perky Parthenian Dancer their swords in hand. It is I, their chronicler, that knows well their saga. Now let me tell you of the days of high adventure and of Buff Barbarians and Perky Parthenian Dancers!_

0=0=0=0

Standing on a rocky hillside, Faith looked around slowly, this was so not the shopping mall in Middlesbrough, Cleveland. Miles and miles of semi-desert stretched out before her; New Mexico or Arizona she guessed, definitely not Northern England. Glancing down at herself, she made another discovery, no clothes; she turned her eyes to where the sun stood about two fingers above the horizon. Very soon sunburn or freezing temperatures were going to be an issue, it depended on whether the sun was rising or setting.

A scream interrupted Faith’s thoughts; it wasn’t one of Dawn's signature ‘Help I’m being attacked by a vampire’ type screams. Those were generally known for their volume and the way they set your teeth on edge, no this was more of a questioning, ‘Oh my god, what’s happened’, type scream. Faith turned to look at Dawn and raised an eyebrow, the girl was naked too. Cuddling up to Buffy’s naked, seventeen year old sister for warmth did not appeal. It might be fun for someone like Red but Faith wasn’t really that sort of girl, she usually liked to drive stick. Walking over to Dawn, Faith’s opinion of ‘the brat’ went up a couple of notches.

“Hey,” she leered suggestively, “does ‘B’ know you got a Brazilian?”

“No!” squeaked Dawn, “And you’re so not going to tell her!”

“Don’t think it’s gonna be an issue,” Faith jumped on top of a small boulder to give herself a couple more feet of elevation, she still couldn’t see anything except sand, rocks and stunted bushes. 

“Okay,” she sighed as she looked down at Dawn, “what did you do?”

0=0=0=0

It had all started out as a normal day at the sea front hotel where they were staying; Dawn had wanted to go shopping (something about clothes for the trip to Italy). Buffy had been too busy so Faith had drawn the short straw and had got ‘Dawn guard detail’. They’d been wondering aimlessly through some big department store in Redcar; Dawn had been chattering on about what she was going to be doing in Rome. Then she’d called Faith over to look at some jewellery. Faith had gone, looked, and not been impressed (she wasn’t big into jewellery; well not the sort that seemed to excite Dawn). There’d been a bright flash, a sensation like falling, then ‘WHAM!’ they were holding their very own nudist convention on a barren hillside in the desert.

0=0=0=0

“I didn’t do anything!” Dawn fidgeted trying to cover her embarrassment with her hands.

“Don’t sweat it, kid,” Faith gave Dawn a disdainful look, “you ain’t got nothin’ I’ve not seen before.”

After a couple of years in prison Faith didn’t have much in the way of nudity taboos left and anyway, she didn’t have anything to be ashamed of, she was hot!

“Yeah, well, you’ve not seen mine,” Dawn gave up trying to cover herself with her hands and arms, “and don’t call me kid…I’m as tall as you are, and…” Dawn looked from Faith’s breasts to her own, “almost as big.”

Faith smiled and laughed, “You’ll do ki…Dawn.”

Noticing that her shadow had got slightly shorter while they were talking, Faith looked over to where the sun was climbing higher into the sky.

“What are we going to do, Faith?” Dawn looked around hoping to find some comfort in this desolate place.

“Find somewhere to get out of the sun,” for a moment Faith thanked which ever gods might be watching that neither Dawn nor herself were blondes or redheads, “find some clothes and find out where we are.”

“You think we’re back in the States?” Dawn walked over to stand next to Faith’s boulder.

“Maybe,” Faith jumped down, “I’m thinking New Mexico or Arizona.”

“So,” Dawn glanced at the sun, she’d noticed it was rising too, “if that’s east,” she nodded towards the sun, “that should be north,” she gestured down the slope.

“So?” Faith shrugged, “What difference does it make which way we go?”

“Well,” Dawn rested her hand on her hip, “it’s sort of traditional to head north in these kinda situations and-and look!” Dawn pointed excitedly; she’d noticed something Faith had obviously missed, “Like, a track!”

Following Dawn’s pointing finger Faith saw the track, it wasn’t much of a track, but it was definitely a track; maybe it would lead back to civilisation and stores with clothes.

“Hey!” Faith grinned a she started to walk down slope, “I knew there was a reason I’d brought you along!”

0=0=0=0

The sun was about half way up the sky and Faith guessed that they’d covered about three, maybe four miles, however, she’d only really started to worry about a mile back. The track was about six feet wide, and showed no evidence of ever having been used by vehicles; no tyre tracks, none of the inevitable bits and pieces of junk you found near a road, nothing that would give them a clue as to where they were. They’d not found any clothes or shelter either; Faith was just starting to feel the sun begin to burn her face and chest as she started to feel the first signs of thirst, water was going to be a problem soon too. Faith thought about asking Dawn how long you could go without water but decided not to bother her. The kid was doing okay, not too much whining and she was keeping up. Perhaps she’d been lucky; if she was going to be lost in the desert with one of the Summers’ sisters it was better to have Dawn along. Faith was so busy thanking her lucky stars that ‘B’ wasn’t with her that she almost didn’t notice the sound of little tinkly bells coming towards them from around a bend in the track.

“Hide!” Faith whispered urgently as she pushed Dawn off the track and into the cover of a large thorn bush.

“What!?” Dawn pushed Faith’s hand away from her mouth before peering around the bush, “I don’t think we’re in the States, look!”

“A-rabs!” Faith hunkered down and watched the men make their way along the track.

There, a couple of dozen yards down the track were a group of five men riding three donkeys. They wore off white robes and coloured turbans much like you saw Afghans wear. But, there was no evidence of firearms, however, each man carried a sword or a spear. Faith turned to grin at Dawn.

“Looks like our ride's just arrived,” she rolled her shoulders, as she stood up. “Now, the problem is; how do you divide five A-rabs from three donkeys and still have two hot American chicks left over?” Faith had remembered that phrase (or something like it) from an old movie and she’d been looking for a way to use it for ages.

Pleased with herself, Faith walked out from behind the bush and went to stand in the middle of the track. The little party of ‘A-rabs’ came to an untidy halt as soon as they noticed the dark haired, and more importantly, naked, beauty standing in front of them. They grinned lasciviously at each other and Faith; it seemed to them that the gods were favouring them. They were, of course, mistaken. Sighing heavily, Faith placed her hands on her hips, the ‘A-rabs’ grinned the harder and started to dismount.

“Give me your clothes, donkeys and anything else you got that might be useful,” Faith demanded belligerently, “NOW!”

0=0=0=0

Still hiding behind the bush Dawn winced every time Faith punched or kicked one of the ‘A-rabs’; she squirmed in sympathetic pain at the cries of agony that came from the men each time Faith broke a bone. After only a minute or two the men knelt in the sand pleading for mercy, they’d thrown down their weapons and had started to pull off their robes. When they saw Dawn start to walk towards them they redoubled their efforts to appease these obviously powerful goddess’. Very soon they were standing dressed only in their loin cloths and turbans.

“Five by five,” Faith grinned at Dawn as she dusted off hands, “five by five.”

0=0=0=0

**A couple of months later.**

Dawn’s hips swayed in time with the music as she danced across the floor towards the fat merchant. Lamp light flickered off the jewel in her navel as she ran her hands across her body enticing her audience with the promise of secrets as yet to be revealed. Though to be honest, Dawn didn’t have that many secrets left to reveal, most of them were already on display. The amount of material in her costume probably amounted to no more than about a square foot.

The merchant sat in the seat of honour and licked his fat lips as Dawn made her way towards him. Her body called to him hypnotically as the music beat against his brain numbing his senses. Dawn smiled licking her own lips provocatively as the music increased in tempo. Her bracelets and bangles jingled together as she gyrated enticingly in front of her mark. The merchant wiped at the sweat on his forehead with a silk scarf. He picked up his wine goblet with trembling fingers and drank; some of the red wine escaped his mouth and ran down his chin. The dancing girl smiled at him as the music rose to a climax before crashing to a halt as the girl fell to the floor to lie tantalisingly close.

Dawn smiled as if in appreciation of the applause she was receiving for her performance, in reality she was calculating the worth of the merchant’s bejewelled rings and the gold chains that hung around his neck. As the applause started to fade in perpetration for the next act, Dawn climbed lithely to her feet and just as lithely jumped into the merchant’s lap; she put her arm around his neck and ran her free hand across his cheek. Dawn tried not to shudder in disgust at the touch of his clammy skin, or as the merchant ran a sweaty fat hand up her thigh to rest on her hip. The hot, hard object that was pressed against her butt cheek just didn’t bear thinking about either; squirming in his lap she moved so she could whisper in his ear, while all the time thinking, ‘Jeez! This is, like, soooo gross!’

“Do you want to finish this upstairs?” Dawn whispered, she pulled back her head to look the merchant in the eye and fluttered her eyelashes just for good measure. 

Prostitution was officially illegal within the city's walls but exotic dancing wasn’t. If a dancing girl wanted to take a customer up to her room for a private performance and receive a gift from her admirer; well, that was nothing to do with the city fathers…as long as she remembered to pay her ‘taxes’.

0=0=0=0

Dawn led the merchant into her little room above the tavern where she was working this week. After lighting a couple of more lamps from the one she had left burning for just that purpose, she was however, careful to leave one corner of the room in deep shadow.

“Okay!” Dawn turned towards the merchant and started to remove her bangles before putting them on a small table next to the bed, “Let’s get the bickering out the way first before we get down to business.”

The merchant fiddled with his rings and licked his fat lips again, he seemed to have a tent pole hidden in his robes, either that or he was really pleased to see Dawn start to take off what few clothes she was still wearing. He nodded his head eagerly.

“Right,” Dawn said in a no-nonsense tone of voice as she took off what could generously be described as her bra, “my price is five silver florins and,” she ran her eye over the merchant’s corpulent form, “I go on top!”

“Five!” exclaimed the merchant in a surprisingly high pitched voice, “You want five? You’re only worth two at most…you’re all skin and bone!”

The bargaining went on for several more minutes by the end of which time Dawn was naked. It often amused her to see how much a man would pay to enjoy her ‘charms’. How much her mark was willing to pay usually went up in direct proportion to how few clothes she was wearing. Five silver florins were quite a lot to pay for a 'mere' dancing girl, even one like her. Eventually they settled on three and a half and if she agreed to do a couple of other things (the sort of things that made her feel slightly ill just at the mere idea) he’d give her another two and a half florins extra.

“Okay, get undressed and lie on the bed,” Dawn did a few 'stretching' exercises designed to distract the merchant as he quickly started to remove his clothes.

While the merchant ran his eyes over Dawn's enticingly naked body a dark, fur bikini clad figure stepped out of the shadows and rapped him smartly on the back of the head. Dawn really enjoyed this part too, more so even than the ‘bickering’. The merchant groaned and crashed to the floor where he lay very still. Dawn and Faith exchanged smiles before they fell on the merchant and began to divest him of his worldly goods.

0=0=0=0

Having come out of the desert with only the filthy rags that they stood up in Faith and Dawn looked around for gainful employment in the first ‘city’ they came to. Finding that their choices were servilely limited to marriage or prostitution they sat down and tried to turn the situation to their advantage.

Surprisingly it was Dawn who’d suggested their own little version of the ‘badger game’. Faith had listened sceptically at first but after she’d seen an example of Dawn’s (to describe it as dancing just didn’t do it justice, ‘dancing’ would run away and hide its head in shame if it saw what Dawn could do) expertise she’d agreed to the plan. When Faith questioned her on the whole ‘Exotic dancing’ thing, Dawn eventually admitted it was something she’d discovered she could do after being under a love spell in high school; she’d sort of kept it up and practiced in her room whenever she’d had the time. Impressed by Dawn's performance, Faith found she had a new respect for the younger Summers sister. 

Their first couple of attempts at their new livelihood had been a little shaky. But, as they’d moved from one mud walled city to another they’d perfected their trade. In their own way, and in the more criminal circles that they’d taken to moving in, they were quite famous. Faith, never being one to stand idly by augmented their income with a little light burglary and brigandage. When in a city she sometimes hired herself out as a bodyguard but never as an assassin, she didn’t do that sort of thing any more.

0=0=0=0

Faith put coins and jewellery in their purses before hiding them away in their packs, she decided it was time to move on. Dawn was already dressed in her street clothes.

“Where to next?” Dawn asked as she pulled her tunic straight before buckling her sword belt around her waist.

“How’d ya like to go to the coast?” Faith tapped the merchant on the head once more; he’d been starting to come around. “We’ve got enough money and stuff here to last a couple of months. I thought we’d move on maybe go to the capital…richer pickings, y’know?”

“Sounds good to me,” Dawn finished putting on her boots, “good to go?”

“Yeah, good,” Faith tossed Dawn her pack, “hey what’s that?”

The sound of sandalled feet came to them through the door from the stairs outside.

“THE WATCH!” Dawn cried as she dived for the window just as the door burst open.

Dawn heard the clash of iron on bronze as Faith fought off the watchman. Climbing through the window she dropped lightly to the ground her own sword out and ready for trouble. Luckily the watch commander hadn’t thought to leave anyone outside to watch for people escaping. Running into the stable a few yards along the alley from her, Dawn pulled her own and Faith’s horses to stand under the window from which she'd just jumped; the horses had already been saddled just in case something like this happened.

Listening to the screams of pain and the clashing of metal on metal issuing from the window above, Dawn mounted up and yelled for Faith to move her butt! There was an extra loud scream as Faith used one of the watchmen as a battering ram to make a new door in the mud brick wall. The watchman’s limp form fell to the ground next to Dawn’s horse, followed seconds later by a grinning Faith her sword wet with blood. Scrambling aboard her horse Faith cast one last look over her shoulder before they galloped in the direction of the city gate. The guards on the gate slowed their progress for all of a minute after which Dawn and Faith were free to gallop off into the night and on to new adventures.

0=0=0=0


	2. Chapter 2

2.

After spending the night in an olive grove, Faith and Dawn ate a light breakfast of olives and bread before they saddled their horses and started out in the general direction of the coast. My mid-morning they'd made good enough progress so that when they came to a shrine hidden in amongst an area of large tumbled boulders, Faith called a halt to rest the horses.

The shrine stood in the middle of a large natural amphitheatre hidden from the outside world by huge boulders. After a quick look at the shrine (which reminded Dawn more of a sacrificial altar than any holy site she’d ever seen before) she sat down on the sand and started to sort through the merchant’s gold and jewels. While Dawn sorted, Faith was over by the shrine doing some stretching exercises. Pausing in her sorting for a moment Dawn studied her calf for a second or two.

“Faith,” she called, “when we next get back to what passes for civilisation in these parts, can you help me like pluck my legs?”

“Again?” Faith shouted back having come to the end of her exercises, “Didn’t we do that awhile back?”

“Yeah,” Dawn studied a particularly fine ruby as she talked, “but hair has this nasty tendency to keep growing…I wouldn’t be much of an exotic dancer with hairy legs now would I?”

Body hair for girls was a local fashion no-no.

“Nah,” agreed Faith, she turned to study the boulders, she’d thought she’d heard something, “but if you want anywhere else plucked you’ll have to do it y’self, right?”

“Totally,” agreed Dawn good naturedly and started to collect up their booty.

“Dawn!” Faith called warningly her sword already in her hand.

Looking up from her work Dawn saw a dozen or more riders who’d appeared out of the jumble of boulders and surrounded them. Snatching up the last few jewels, she ran towards the shrine clutching the leather purses holding their treasure to her chest. Sliding in, she hid under the shrine that Faith was standing on.

“Who are they?” Dawn called as Faith stood ready to do battle.

“Maybe the merchant got angry and sent them after us,” Faith watched as the horsemen started to walk their mounts towards her.

“But we didn’t steal everything,” Dawn complained as she gauged the size of a gem before putting it in her mouth and swallowing it.

“We didn’t have time!” Faith pointed out; this was true the Watch had chased them out of town before they’d had a chance to ransack the merchant’s rooms and pack animals.

At some unspoken signal two of the riders put their heels to their horses and cantered towards where Faith stood at bay. They were big men on big horses, some wore bronze armour while others wore leather; they all had helmets, shields and what looked like good quality iron weapons. What Faith thought was odd was that they weren’t using them, the two horsemen rode towards her brandishing large cudgels and holding a net open between them.

Ducking under the net, Faith jumped from the alter, rolled and grabbed hold of the trailing edge of the net; she heaved and pulled the two riders from their horses. That was two opponents out of the fight for a while and the battle had hardly begun, she grinned. Jumping back to her feet Faith readied her sword just in time to intercept another rider aiming to come up behind her and brain her with his club.

Swinging her sword Faith watched as the blade cut through the man’s leather armour and sliced into his belly. He fell backwards over his horse’s rump, taking a step forward she thrust and yelled in triumph as her sword went right through the man to bury it’s tip in the sandy soil. Coming en garde again she spun around to face yet two more riders, these held an even larger net than the first two. Faith slashed at the net and easily jumped over the last few uncut strands of rope. Landing, Faith was just in time to confront a man running at her with his cudgel held high. Stepping to one side she struck and sliced open the man’s belly just under where his breastplate stopped, screaming he tripped over his own intestines and fell to the ground.

“Why aren’t they trying to kill us?” Dawn called from under the shrine; having buried the purses as best she could she’d drawn her own sword and was getting ready to join the fight.

“Maybe they want to rape us and torture us to death later,” Faith called back as she took another attacker’s head clean off with one easy swing of her sword.

“Oh come on Faith,” Dawn called back as she crawled out from under the shrine and jumped up on top of the stone altar, “I keep telling you, I’m not a kid anymore, stop sugar coating everything!”

Dawn slashed with her sword catching a rider across the throat; blood sprayed everywhere as she dodged the man’s dying attempts at hitting her. He fell off his horse while Dawn turned to face any foe that might be coming up behind her. Instead she saw a man on a horse coming up behind Faith while she was occupied with two men to her front.

Seizing the moment, Dawn leapt onto the horse’s back. Her free arm went around her adversary’s neck as she pulled him backwards onto her sword. Feeling her blade slip easily between his ribs and into his kidneys she heard him gasp out his last breath. Unfortunately the horse took it into its head to rear up at this very moment and Dawn fell off the back of the creature to land in the sand with the rider’s dead weight on top of her. Trying to push him off she found he was too heavy for her, she yelled for Faith to come and help her.

Having dispatched one man and sent the other reeling back clutching the bloody stump of his arm, Faith heard Dawn’s muffled cries for help; she ran over and pulled the corpse off the girl before turning to face yet another attack. Staggering to her feet Dawn was just in time to have someone catch her a glancing blow on the back of her head and have a net thrown over her. Rolling in the sand Dawn found she’d lost her sword, drawing a dagger she started to cut frantically at the net trying to free herself. As all this was going on Faith had met another wave of attackers; the lucky ones staggered away from her clutching at wounds. Their not so lucky comrades just lay in the sand and bled to death. Hearing a strange warbling noise Faith found herself without any new opponents, she ran over to where Dawn lay struggling with the net and pulled her to her feet.

“Are we winning?” Dawn staggered a little as she spoke.

“Yeah, sure!” grinned Faith, she wiped some blood (not her own) from her face with her free hand.

The surviving riders had taken post at one end of the clearing, a number of riderless horses trotted around after them. Faith was already wondering if she could round them up and sell them; they had so won this fight. ‘Hold on’, she told herself, two riders had detached themselves from the depleted little force and were riding slowly towards herself and Dawn. The guy on the right was a big bastard, bigger than any of the other attackers. By contrast the rider on the left looked small and delicate. Both riders faces were obscured by full face helmets; their armour and weapons looked of even better quality than the other attackers had been. The two riders stopped about five yards from where Faith readied herself to receive their charge. The rider on the left pulled off her helmet to reveal the attractive face of a woman in her early thirties.

“Do you know who I am?” she demanded from her leather throne atop her horse.

“Taramis,” replied Faith not relaxing her guard, what did this powerful woman want with Dawn and herself?

“Queen Taramis,” corrected the woman being careful to keep her distance.

“Not my queen,” Faith sneered back.

“You have a queen?” Taramis regarded Faith with amused eyes, “But you are a Barbarian,” the queen walked her horse over to Faith’s right, Faith didn’t take her eyes off her for a second, “Barbarians have no rulers, or so I’m told. You’re a buff barbarian, you live free in the world,” the queen halted her horse next to the corpse of one of her guards. “You owe allegiance to no one, is that not so?”

“What d’ya want?” Faith was getting bored with someone telling her what she already knew; even if that someone was a queen.

“I need your help,” Taramis replied levelly.

“No,” Faith shook her head.

“No?” the queen looked surprised it wasn’t everyday someone refused her (and survived), “You don’t know what I’d be willing to give for your help.”

“You have nothing that we want,” Faith shrugged her shoulders and lowered her sword a little; obviously the attack had been some sort of job interview.

“Look at the shrine,” Taramis glanced towards the altar table, “see what you most desire…what is there Faith? Show me the desire of your deepest heart.”

Against her will Faith looked at the shrine and gasped a little as flames sprang from the bare stone altar. The air shimmered for an instant before…before a large milkshake, burger and fries appeared.

“Wow,” Faith breathed quietly and licked her lips, the image of her hearts desire shimmered for a second before vanishing.

“What I want you can’t give me,” Faith shook her head as the vision vanished.

“Yes I can,” a smile crossed the queen’s face but never quite reached her smouldering green eyes.

“You can send us home?”

“Do as I ask of you,” nodded the queen, “and I will.”

“Tell me what ya want us to do,” after all this time, Faith would do almost anything to get home.

0=0=0=0

Collecting up their goods and horses Faith and Dawn followed the Queen’s much depleted force back to her city of Arymlap, the shinning gem of the eastern kingdoms; or as Dawn put it, ‘another collection of mud brick hovels perched on top of a hill’. As they rode in through the gate the town’s people stopped what they were doing to come and cheer their queen. They actually looked genuinely pleased to see their monarch and her guards; they gave Faith and Dawn a few suspicious looks but ended up cheering them as well.

The town looked prosperous and generally clean and well kept by the standards of the day. The royal palace, however, exceeded Dawn and Faith's wildest expectations. It was huge; all white marble and high windowless walls that shone painfully bright in the desert sun. They rode through a gateway passed massive iron bound wooden gates and into a large courtyard. This too was of white marble (Faith and Dawn was beginning to see a pattern develop here) there were fountains and pools of cool sparkling water. 

Guards in bronze armour stood by the gateway opposite a great flight of marble stairs that led up into the palace proper. The stairs were lined with serving girls in translucent white dresses that reached down to their ankles but left little to the imagination. Peacocks strutted between the legs of humans and horses alike. A guard came up to the queen’s horse and took her helmet from her, she dismounted and walked up a few steps before turning to bow to a figure in black robes on the other side of the courtyard. Dawn nudged her horse forward to stand next to Faith.

“Never trust priests in black robes,” she whispered.

Thinking about this for a moment Faith glanced over at her companion, “Hey,” she grinned, “but that’s about all of ‘em ain’t it?”

“That’s what I mean,” Dawn nodded sagely.

Queen Taramis turned and walked briskly up the stairs, her serving girls falling in behind her. What remained of the queens escort dismounted as did Faith and Dawn, they watched as their horses were led away to a stable, being careful first to remove their weapons and possessions. Very soon the two women found themselves standing alone, other than the guards by the gate and the priests who were clustered around some sort of shrine.

“What do we do now?” Faith asked; Dawn just shrugged having no clue.

“Excuse me?”

The two women turned to see a palace flunky standing just behind them; Faith’s hand drifted slowly towards the hilt of her sword she’d not heard him approach.

“Her majesty thought you might be fatigued,” explained the flunky as he looked the new arrivals up and down, “she thought you might wish to ‘refresh yourselves’.” 

This clearly translated as, ‘take a bath you stinking barbarians’; the flunky smiled insincerely.

“Is there a bath?” Dawn asked her hopes rising.

“Of course,” the flunky studied Dawn for a moment and almost got her profession correct.

“With soap and hot water and serving girls to pluck my legs?” she asked as she bounced up and down in her excitement.

“If you wish,” the flunky gestured towards the main staircase, “if you’d care to follow me?”

“Great!” Dawn clapped her hands and gave a little squeal of joy as she fell in behind the flunky, Faith followed more slowly with all the dignity that her standing as a Buff Barbarian could manage.

0=0=0=0

A couple of hours later both Dawn and Faith had bathed and were cleaner than they’d been for some time. Faith had put on a fresh fur trimmed bikini and was busily brushing the tangles from her hair. By contrast Dawn lay on a pile of cushions with a bevy serving girls around her who were busily filing, polishing and painting her nails. Still more girls brushed and combed her hair as yet another pair rapidly plucked her legs bare of hairs; Dawn was in seventh heaven. Eventually there was nowhere left on Dawn to pamper and the serving girls left.

“What do you think this Queen Taramis wants us to do?” Dawn called from the bedchamber where she was trying on clothes.

“Don’t know,” by contrast Faith was seated on a stool sharpening their weapons, “but it must be something pretty dangerous.”

Re-entering the main chamber Dawn paraded up and down in front of Faith, “What do you think?” she asked showing off her new bikini-like outfit.

“I hope you’re not expecting to wear that while we’re riding,” Faith gave Dawn’s new outfit a disdainful look; Dawn’s shoulders slumped a little at Faith’s display of ‘unimpressiveness’. The girl sighed and looked down at herself; it was nice to wear impractical things once in a while.

“Look,” she tried again to impress Faith, “I can wear this when I’m dancing,” she pointed to the sparkling rhinestones that were stitched around the edges of her bra and panties (the bra had amazing uplift capabilities for such a relatively primitive culture). The almost see through coloured silk scarves that hung to cover strategic areas of her body floated teasingly in the wind of her passing. “These shoes,” she pointed to the fine leather high heeled sandals on her feet, “must have cost a fortune by themselves…old queenie there must be mega-rich to be able to just give this stuff away!”

“Whatever,” Faith put down her whetstone and sheathed her sword.

“You’re just no fun Faith,” sulked Dawn as she slumped down on a handy pile of cushions, it was obvious that the locals hadn’t mastered the art of chair making as yet.

“Come on,” Faith headed towards the door her battered old boots making hardly a sound on the marble floor, “let’s see what ‘queenie’ wants us to do that’s so important.”

Climbing to her feet Dawn trotted off after Faith, the heels of her sandals clattering on the marble as she ran.

0=0=0=0

They were walking along the corridor towards the queen’s audience chamber when a loud roar of laughter startled them, they both turned to look. Striding towards them, his bronzed skin shinning in the sunlight that shone in through the windows; resplendent in a mink fur jock strap, a sword on his hip and fur boots (totally unsuited for the climate) on his feet came the biggest barbarian warrior Dawn and Faith had ever seen.

“Faith!” boomed the warrior as he advanced on the two stunned women, his arms open wide, “Little Dawnie!” he laughed loudly in his thickly accented voice.

Sighing Faith slumped to a halt, what had she ever done to deserve this? Dawn turned to face the barbarian and plastered a smile on her face. Anyone with even an ounce of sense would have seen the insincerity in her eyes, glancing at Faith she whispered;

“Look out, its Cohen the Barbarian!”

0=0=0=0


	3. Chapter 3

3.

Dawn’s feet dangled six inches above the corridor floor as the barbarian picked her up in one arm and Faith in the other. Finding her face pressed against the northern warrior’s sweaty chest, not a pleasant experience, Dawn struggled in the warrior’s grip but couldn’t break free.

“How’s mien favourite little dancer?” laughed the warrior, he planted a wet kiss on Dawn’s cheek; she managed to free an arm and wiped the spit off her face.

When the Northman tried to repeat the process on Faith, however, he received a sharp punch to a nerve cluster that forced him to drop the two women. But still the barbarian laughed even as he rubbed his numbed arm. Dawn glared at Faith, this was all her fault. 

When they had first come to this country (wherever it was; the consensus of opinion was that they were either in a different reality or the distant past) Faith had thought that Conan ‘The Barbarian’ would make a handy romantic partner for a couple of nights. Things had gone down hill from this point onwards. First, Faith had discovered that what people said about magical enhancement abuse was true and the big Northman couldn’t satisfy her ‘needs’. Secondly, the oversized brute had taken to following them around the countryside. He seemed to think that each beating Faith gave him was her way of showing how much she loved him…eventually Faith gave up beating on the sap and only hit him when she really had to, like now.

“What ya doin’ here?” Faith demanded pulling her fur trimmed bra straight.

“HA!” laughed Conan loudly (he seemed to do everything loudly), “The Kaiserina vonts me to go on der quest for her!”

“Crap!” breathed Faith quietly; Dawn rolled her eyes and turned away from the couple.

“So, vot ist mien little Buff Barbarian here vor?” Conan lifted a hand to touch Faith’s shoulder but had it knocked away, “Don’t be telling mit that der Kaiserina has asked you too!?”

“Yeah,” Faith turned away from the Northman and went to join Dawn, her eyes pleaded for understanding from the younger girl and seemed to say ‘sorry’.

Dawn was having none of it, she’d got barbarian sweat on her new clothes and she felt like she needed another bath.

“What did she offer you?” Faith started to lead the little party towards the door of the queen’s chamber.

“She promised to bring Valaria back to me!” Conan’s voice took on a faraway tone as he gazed longingly into the distance.

For some reason Faith got annoyed at the mention of Valaria. Conan, the big ignorant lug, didn’t seem to understand that you didn’t go on about how beautiful and brave and clever and (well, you get the picture) you’re ex-girlfriend was when you’re with another girl, (not that Faith would describe herself as Conan’s girlfriend…no-way) particularly when you’re ex is dead.

“She was like, killed wasn’t she?” Dawn asked as Conan nodded sadly, “Well, if the queen brings her back for you wouldn’t that be just a little, like, icky?” Dawn smirked, “Dead boring even!”

“Nien,” Conan shook his head, either he didn’t fully understand what Dawn had said or chose to ignore it; Faith put her money on ‘ignorance’.

The entrance to the queen’s chamber was guarded by two soldiers who opened the door at Faith’s approach; the party was expected. Walking into the chamber they found that the marble theme had been continued into the queen’s private apartments. There was a tinkling fountain on one side of the room with a balcony on the other. Diaphanous curtains stirred in the almost non-existent breeze and there were the usual piles of cushions in place of chairs or couches. A large circular bed and a marble statue completed the room’s furnishings. 

The queen stood next to what looked suspiciously like a mini bar; she had changed out of her warlike garb and now wore a dress that while it covered her up also managed to expose a great deal of flesh whenever she moved. It also looked about ten years too young for her even if the queen had managed to keep her figure. The queen handed each of her guests a goblet of wine, Faith deftly intercepted Dawn’s before she could even lift the glass to her lips. Dawn glared at her friend and went off to sulk on a nearby pile of cushions.

“We will drink to Dagoth,” the queen gestured to the life sized statue of a handsome, reclining young man, “the dreaming god.”

Conan drained his glass of wine in one gulp and burped his appreciation. Faith looked heavenward hoping for divine intervention, as none was forth coming she turned to the queen and asked;

“What do you want us to do?”

“That will send you on your way home?” she asked Faith before turning to Conan and adding, “And bring back the woman you love?”

“Yes!” replied Faith and Conan together.

“It is written in the Scrolls of Skellis,” the queen took Conan’s empty glass from his hand and walked slowly back towards the bar, “that a woman-child…”

“You mean a girl?” asked Dawn, the queen gave her a withering look for interrupting what was obviously her ‘party piece’.

“As I was saying...” continued the queen frostily, “…born with a certain mark…”

“Like a mole or something?” Dawn’s voice came from the depths of the cushion pile; if looks could kill the queen’s cushion makers would be working late into the night.

“Yes like a mole…or something,” a hint of exasperation crept into the queen’s voice.

“Just checking,” added Dawn cheerily.

“Right…” the queen gave a heavy sigh before continuing no doubt regretting employing these ignorant savages,”…um, certain mark; she must make a perilous journey. It is her destiny.”

“Isn’t it always?” all heads in the room turned to look at Dawn, “Well, it is, isn’t it?” she added defensively.

“Wouldn’t you prefer to be somewhere else?” the queen asked pointedly, she was imagining Dawn writhing in agony in one of her torture chambers.

“No,” Dawn smiled innocently, “I’m good.”

“Right!” the queen put her and Conan’s glasses down just a little too heavily and broke the stem off one of them, she cursed under her breath before continuing, “My niece, Jehnna, has such a mark. I want you to take her on that journey.”

“To vere?” asked Conan stony faced, and before Faith could ask the same question.

“Jehnna will show you,” replied the queen only to be interrupted again.

“Oh…my…god!” Dawn struggled to her feet, “We’re not going to be following the directions of some stuck up little blonde bimbo with all the navigational skills of a butterfly are we?”

“Yes,” said the queen before she could stop herself, “I mean no! Look,” pleaded the queen, “from the day she was born she has been prepared for this.”

“Oh crap,” muttered Dawn as she collapsed back onto the cushions.

“There is a key she must find that only she can touch,” explained the queen.

“It just gets worse,” Dawn’s voice rose from the ‘Fortress of Cushion’.

“Look!” snapped the queen close to tears, “If you don’t want to go, just say…I can find someone else, you know?” she dabbed at her eyes with a napkin, “I just thought you’d want to go on this little adventure,” she sniffed, “I mean isn’t that what you barbarians do?” she added as her mascara started to run. “You know I’ve spent a lot of time organising this…it was going to be so much fun too.”

The silence of the room was broken only by the sound of the queen sniffing back her tears.

“Drama queen, much?” it was really not the right thing for Dawn to say at that precise moment.

“RIGHT!” the queen turned her back on the barbarians, “You can all go!” she waved her hand dismissively, “My chamberlain will show you the door…” Or in the case of the little whore, the torture chamber; she didn’t add, well, not out loud anyway.

“NO!” Faith glared at Dawn who just shrugged back at her, “We really-really want to go…really.”

“Well,” the queen dabbed at her tear stained eyes again, “if you _really_ ,” she stressed the word, “want to go?”

“We do!” Faith glanced back at Dawn, “Don’t we?” she asked through clenched teeth; in her minds eye she saw the vision of getting home disappearing into the distance.

“Alright then,” the queen sniffed once more and blew her nose loudly before screwing up the napkin and throwing it on the floor, “anyway its all been written in those damned scrolls…do you know how boring Skellis is?”

Faith shook her head, slightly numbed by what was going on.

“Vere is it?” Conan, having realised that another glass of wine wasn’t in the offing, decided to rejoin the conversation.

“In a castle…”

Faith gave Dawn a silencing glare before she could say anything.

“…guarded by a wizard called Toth-Amon.”

“Dawn,” Faith’s voice was full of menace, “not a word, right?” she turned to the Queen and smiled, “Don’t worry I’ll give her a good beating when we’ve finished here.”

The queen appeared to be satisfied with this promise of grievous bodily harm; she opened her mouth to speak but was once again interrupted, this time by Conan.

“A vizard!?” exclaimed Conan.

“No, a wizard.” frowned the queen, “Oh yes! I see,” she smiled questioningly, “does that worry you? Are you afraid of magic, because you’ll have to deal with it?”

“Vot good is a sword against sorcery?” asked the troubled Northman with a shrug.

“You know,” Faith grinned, “I find if ya stick ya sword into the wizard…no problemo!”

“So you’re not afraid to go?” the queen looked from one barbarian to the other, she ignored Dawn.

“Nah,” drawled Faith, “don’t sweat-it, it’ll be cool.”

“What?” the queen glanced at Faith, puzzled.

“Vot does this key unlock?” asked Conan; Dawn’s ears pricked up at the mention of keys and locks.

“A treasure,” announced the queen enigmatically, she reached out and ran her hand slowly over Conan’s muscled arm; Dawn made vomiting noises from her cushion stronghold, everyone pretended to ignore her. “Only she can procure it. Only she can lead you to it, and when she has it you’ll bring her back to me. Then you’ll have you reward,” the queen tore her eyes off Conan’s muscular form and glanced over her shoulder at Faith, “and yours of course.”

Walking back towards the statue of the god the queen concluded, “We shall all have everything we want…through magic!”

“No,” groaned Dawn but was interrupted by a scream coming from behind a dread portal hidden, in turn, behind a flimsy curtain; it was a girl’s scream and Dawn just knew it belonged to their would-be guide.

“NO!” screamed the voice again full of fear, “It’s too big!”

“GO!” ordered the queen as she headed towards the heavy wooden door.

0=0=0=0

Bursting into Princess Jehnna’s bedchamber, Queen Taramis saw the commander of her palace guard, Bombaata, sitting on the edge of the girl’s bed trying to comfort her. He wasn’t having much success; tears streamed down the girl’s face, the bedclothes and the Princess’ night gown were in disarray. Come to think of it, thought the queen, Bombaata didn’t look exactly tidy either.

“I saw it again!” sobbed the girl as her aunt sat on the bed opposite Bombaata.

The Queen put her arm around the teenage girl’s shoulder and glanced at Bombaata; the man withdrew his own arm and got up to stand next to the bed.

“It was just a dream,” soothed the queen, “there’s nothing to fear.”

“No! No!,” the girl wiped at her eyes, “I saw it, it was _soooo_ big I…I,” the girl appeared to regain control of herself, she glanced first at Bombaata and then at her aunt.

“What did you see?” the queen frowned suspiciously.

“Oh!” Jehnna hesitated, “um, it was…it was a monster!” she glanced up again at Bombaata, “Yes, that’s it, a monster… a big, purple, throbbing…monster,” she added with a sly grin that her aunt completely failed to pick up on.

“It was just a dream,” comforted the queen as she tidied the bedclothes and wiped the tears from Jehnna’s eyes, “now you must sleep,” the queen told her softly, “you have a long journey tomorrow; you’ll need all your strength.”

The queen made several magical passes over the girl’s eyes with her hand and Jehnna soon fell into a deep sleep. Getting up she walked towards the door before turning to face her guard commander.

“All our destiny’s are at hand,” the queen spoke quietly but firmly, “even those fools out there,” she nodded towards the door, “although they don’t yet know it.”

This seemed like a good point for a burst of diabolical laughter but the queen resisted the temptation.

“We don’t need them, my Queen,” Bombaata’s deep voice seemed to make the very air vibrate, the inclusion of the two barbarian warriors and the slut would complicate his own plans no end.

“I don’t need the Captain of the Guard to steal a key, it’s a task for a thief,” explained the queen. “What I do need is for you to see that this dear child,” she glanced over at the sleeping girl, “is returned safely to the palace, with the treasure and her virginity intact.”

“I-I will protect them both!” Bombaata swallowed nervously

The queen thought he sounded like he meant it too.

“You’d better my friend,” the queen walked up to the huge soldier and looked up into his eyes seemingly looking into his very soul, Bombaata took a half step away from the queen. “for she must be a virgin when she’s returned to me, so she can properly be sacrificed.”

Bombaata’s dark face paled a little at the queen’s words. The queen turned away from the armoured bulk of her guard captain and walked back towards the door.

“One other thing Bombaata,” the queen’s hand rested on the door knob, “It’s not wise to have those barbarian thieves near the treasure. When the key’s in my niece’s hand I want your sword in those barbarian scum’s hearts, you understand?”

Bombaata nodded his head, he had his own plans for the princess and removing the barbarians would make his life easier.

“Have the Palace Guard follow;” the queen waved her hand dismissively, “they will strike at the right moment to help you. Faith and Conan must die, but…but bring that dancing slut back to me I wish to…” the queen smiled malevolently, “...have her ‘entertain’ me,” this time she did let the laughter out, “MAW-HA-HA!” she laughed before looking apologetically at Bombaata and shrugging, “You may go!”

0=0=0=0

Sometime later Dawn and Faith were in their chambers preparing for the journey that would start the following morning. They’d managed to lose Conan by the simple expedient of pointing him in the direction of the wine cellar. Faith sat cross legged on the floor checking weapons and equipment; Dawn was, as usual, trying on new outfits.

“What do you think of this?” Dawn stood in front of Faith waiting for her to say something.

“Won’t that pinch,” Faith frowned at Dawn’s latest choice of clothing, “in all the wrong places?”

Dawn looked down at her chainmail bikini; she did a little dance which made her breasts bounce about provocatively, the chain mail rattled as it moved across her skin.

“OW!” Dawn froze in bounce and tried to pull the mail gently from where it had pinched her, “I see what you mean,” she said with a pained expression, “and I thought it was, like, so practical.”

Seeing the disappointed look on Dawn’s face Faith smiled and made a suggestion.

“If ya totally wanna wear it so badly,” she rested her elbow on her knee and her chin on her fist, “why don’t ya like wear it over something…one of my spare outfits should fit.”

“No!” Dawn’s face brightened as she thought about her friend's suggestion, “Thanks, but I saw something that’ll fit.”

Dawn skipped happily into the dressing chamber only having to stop to un-pinch herself from the chainmail once more.

“Faith?” 

“Yeah,” satisfied with her work Faith put her sword away.

“You don’t like, trust that scanky bitch-ho-queen do you?”

Faith heard the clink of chainmail hitting the floor.

“Nah,” Faith climbed to her feet, “but she’s the best offer we’ve had about getting us home.”

“Yeah,” agreed Dawn with less enthusiasm than Faith had expected, there was silence for a moment until Dawn stuck her head around the corner and back into the bed chamber, “but, like, I’m not so sure I totally wanna to go home not now…y'know?”

Dawn’s head disappeared and Faith could hear her throwing clothing about the chamber as she tried different things on.

“I mean,” came Dawn’s disembodied voice, “okay, it’d be nice to see my sister and all the old gang again, just to let them know I'm alright…but…but it’s so much more cool ‘n’ exciting here…way more fun and there’s no 'big-sis' to boss me about, you're like, way cooler than my sister, Faith.” Dawn stepped out into the main chamber and smiled, “What d’you think?”

Dawn was dressed in a bikini made of the softest leather trimmed with ermine, once again the lingerie makers of the city displayed a skill, and knowledge of metal working that was far in advance of their time. The chainmail bikini fitted tightly over the leather one which was saving Dawn’s skin from further abuse.

“Sheesh!” Faith felt her eyebrows head for her hair line as her eyes fell on Dawn's enhanced cleavage, “Talk about the ‘topless tow'rs of Ilion’,” she gasped displaying a here-to-fore un-suspected knowledge of the classics.

“You think it’s too much?” Dawn’s face fell as she looked down at her cleavage.

“Nah,” Faith laughed, “you’ll be okay…as long as we don’t get attacked from above!”

0=0=0=0


	4. Chapter 4

4.  
 **Disclaimer;** The verse that appears in this chapter and in some later chapters is a parody of a parody originally written by Kevin Wald. The original parody was for ‘The Major-General’s song’ by Gilbert and Sullivan. If you Google; The Buff Barbarian Song, you should get the original parody complete with foot notes!

0=0=0=0

Rosy fingered Dawn woke up and yawned, she looked at her stained digits and wished she’d not eaten all those berries the previous night, her tummy rumbled and gurgled.

“OOOOH GOD!” Dawn groaned before leaping from her bed and sprinting for the privy.

Attracted by the cries of pain emanating from the privy, Faith crossed the chamber and listened.

“Are ya okay in there?” she called the concern in her voice plain to hear.

“Yes!” yelled Dawn from within before screaming, “OH GOD NO! AAAAGH!”

“Are ya sure?” Faith leant against the wall next to the door, she could quite clearly hear Dawn panting and straining, “Did ya eat something that disagreed with ya?”

Faith was sort of glad Dawn couldn’t see the smirk on her face. That’d teach her, she thought, not to pig-out like she had the night before.

“UUUUUGH! Yeah,” gasped Dawn, “you could say that.”

“Do you want me to get the palace healer, or something?” Faith tried not to laugh.

“No! No I’ll be fineeeeeeeeeeee OW-ow-ow!” Dawn’s cry was cut off and replaced by the sound of rapid breathing.

“Hey look,” Faith was getting genuinely concerned now, “I’ll go get the healer.”

“NO!” Dawn’s cry stopped Faith in her tracks, “Look,” panted Dawn, “Y’know when we got attacked at the shrine?”

“Yeah.”

“Well I sorta swallowed a gem or two,” Dawn confided as she regained control of her breathing, “y’know just in case? I thought they’d just pop out later.”

“Yeah?” Faith was beginning to get the picture.

“Yeah, well it looks like my eyes were bigger than my…” Dawn paused before continuing, “...y'know what I mean?”

“I think I do,” Faith shook her head bemused; “do you want some help?”

“To do what!?” Dawn squeaked incredulously, “Look I’ll be fine…just give me a minute or two, okay?”

“Okay,” agreed Faith, “but if you’re not out in five minutes I’m coming in to get you!”

“NOOOO!”

0=0=0=0

Scrapping peacock crap off the bottom of her boot Faith looked up to see Dawn hobble down the stairs and into the main courtyard.

“How’ya feeling?” Faith asked not unkindly.

“I’ll live,” Dawn groaned, “but totally I won’t be swallowing any more diamonds or stuff.”

“Yeah, right,” Faith turned to adjust her horse’s saddle, “y’gotta learn that not everything y’see in the movies is right, right?”

“Noted,” Dawn nodded her head and went to check on her own horse.

A few minutes later Conan made an appearance, he stumbled down the stairs obviously still suffering from the effects of his visit to the wine cellar, Faith smiled at the sight of the distressed warrior.

“That’ll teach him,” she muttered quietly.

Moments later, as Conan tried to work out how to mount his horse, there was a flurry of activity as the queen appeared at the top of the stairs. Peacocks strutted out of her way as she made her entrance into the courtyard followed by a very tall guard; an officer judging by his weapons and armour between them walked a cute, teenage girl.

The girl, as Dawn had predicted, was blonde and did actually look ‘stuck-up’, whether she was a ‘bimbo’ remained to be seen; she was short, shorter than either Dawn or Faith, pretty and aged about fifteen or sixteen; she was dressed sensibly in tunic, trousers and riding boots. Faith looked down at her own fur bikini and leather legging, she shrugged, this was traditional barbarian garb…at least so she’d been told.

As has already been noted the guard with her was tall, dark and while not exactly handsome, Faith wouldn’t have kicked him out of bed on a cold winter’s night. He wore a good quality leather body armour, an iron sword and dagger hung from his hip and he carried a nasty looking mace, all spikes and one big, beak like blade. His uniform was made of linen dyed black like the rest of the guard force.

“Who’s he?” Faith pointed to the big man as the queen’s party halted at the foot of the stairs.

“This is Bombaata,” announced the Queen haughtily.

“Boom-whatta?” whispered Dawn in Faith’s ear; Faith fought down the urge to laugh.

“He will accompany you to protect the princess,” Queen Taramis gestured towards the girl. “This is the Princess Jehnna,” announced the queen, “you will go where she leads, is that understood?”

“Yeah, sure,” shrugged Faith.

“Uuuugh!” groaned Conan; there was a wet splattering sound as he threw up on the courtyard’s marble surface.

“Whatever,” sighed Dawn.

“Okay,” Faith called as she climbed up on her horse’s back, “let’s get this show on the road…someone pour Conan onto his horse will ya?”

After a few more minutes and a lot of heaving and grunting from the palace guards as they got Conan up onto his horse, everyone was mounted and ready to leave.

“Let’s go!” Faith kicked her horse into motion but had to halt again as someone opened the gate; it kind of spoiled the dramatic exit she’d been planning. The party rode off through the narrow streets of the city. Once again the people were out in force to cheer as they cantered by. They seemed to cheer most everyone and anything…life in the city must have been very dull.

Galloping out of the main gate they turned left and started to head towards the mountains which appeared to be about a day or two’s ride away. After awhile they slowed their horses to a gentle walk as they rode through the ruins of some ancient city. Great weathered statues towered over them, Faith looked at them in wonder, and it seemed to her like they’d been there since the dawn of time.

“Do you think he’s handsome?”

Faith turned to see the princess riding beside her, glancing up at the face of the statue they were passing she shook her head.

“Ugly, very ugly.”

“No,” giggled the princess, “Bombaata, do you think he’s handsome?”

“Can’t ya work it out for yourself?” Faith frowned down at the girl.

“But how can I?” the girl sighed wistfully, “I’ve seen so few men…real men,” she added with an impish smile, “all I’ve really seen is Bombaata.”

Faith turned in her saddle to look at the big guard’s officer; he looked real enough to her and said so. Once again the girl giggled, “Yes I suppose he is handsome,” once more she smiled before dropping back to ride next to the big man; they fell into a deep and urgent looking conversation almost immediately. Faith got a tingly feeling at the base of her spine that told her things weren’t all they seemed to be.

“What’s the deal with this Bang-barter guy?” Dawn had appeared next to her.

“Not sure,” Faith replied.

“You think he can be trusted?” Dawn glanced back at the ill matched couple.

“Depends,” Faith replied non-committally.

“On?” prompted Dawn.

“Like whether those two are screwing.”

“Oh gross!” Dawn made a face that more than adequately conveyed the idea of disgust, “He’s, like, old enough to be her father and isn’t she supposed to be a virgin? Like its her destiny, remember?”

“Yeah, maybe you’re right,” Faith admitted after a moment’s thought.

They rode on in silence for an hour or two, stopping every now and again to pick Conan up and place him back on his horse; Faith wondered idly just how much the big barbarian had drunk the previous night. Eventually Dawn got bored with just riding and occasionally helping Faith with Conan and she started to sing. The song was of epic proportions, she’d memorised its many verses and thought up new ones on their long rides between cities; she called it the ‘Faith the Buff Barbarian’ song. It appeared to be designed to make Faith feel embarrassed. Dawn wasn’t a particularly good singer, but what she lacked in skill she made up for in enthusiasm and volume.

 _”She wakes up every morning,”_

Dawn sang to a possibly recognisable tune, 

_“ere the dawn is rhododactylous,  
Who needs to wait for daylight? She just works by sensus tactilis.  
She rides into the sunrise to protect some local villagers,  
From mythologic monsters or from all-too-human pillagers.  
She hurtles towards each villain with a recklessness ebullient,  
And cows them with her sword work and her alalaes ululient;  
They're frightened for their heads, because they know she's gonna whack 'em ---they're  
Aware that their opponent is Faith the Buff Barbarian!”_

The last line didn’t really scan, but as Dawn had learnt her poetry skills from Spike, what do you expect?

0=0=0=0

By late in the afternoon they found themselves in a deep, dank, dark forest, the temperature had dropped and they’d all put on their riding cloaks to keep the damp chill off.

“Why can’t forests be, like, light and green and full of flowers and cute fluffy little animals?” complained Dawn.

“Remember what I said about the movies?” Faith reminded her.

“Yeah,” Dawn sighed sadly, “whatever.”

The princess, who was leading them along a narrow game trail took a right turn, Conan who was following right behind her took a left.

“The smuck’s still drunk,” muttered Faith under her breath.

“Conan, wait!” cried the princess, “We must go this way,” she pointed deeper into the forest.

“Not yet,” replied Conan thickly.

“But you have to obey me,” teased the girl, “didn’t you hear my aunt? There are rules to every game.”

“I believe you,” Conan rubbed his temple and groaned quietly, “But there’s magic in this game. We have to be able to fight magic with magic.”

Faith nodded her head, for once the big handsome barbarian hunk (Faith shook her head violently to dislodge the thoughts that had taken root there) she reminded herself of what Conan was lacking in the ‘luuuv’ department…anyway the warrior was making sense for once. They all turned their horses to follow Conan.

0=0=0=0

They rode on for half an hour or so until they heard what sounded like a lot of animals grunting. Pushing her horse through the trees Faith looked under the overhanging branches to see a party of twenty or thirty ‘beast-men’ moving towards a clearing. In the centre of the clearing stood a great white mound, her slayer eyesight allowed her to see what the mound had been made of; it was a pile of bones, human bones! Several of the beast-men carried a pole towards a fire, from the pole hung a man dressed in mismatched but colourful rags. He struggled frantically against his bonds; it looked as if the beast-men were set on eating him.

“Crom!” gasped Conan as he drew his sword and charged towards the rabble.

“Aren’t you going to help him?” Faith turned to find the Princess beside her.

“No,” replied Faith simply.

“But there’s so many of them!” gasped the girl, “They’ll kill him.”

“Nah,” Faith shrugged her shoulders, “he’ll manage.”

0=0=0=0

The man hanging over the fire screamed loudly, his cries distracted the beast-men so they didn’t notice Conan’s approach. Raising his sword Conan brought it sweeping down on one of the savages. The beast-man’s head spun off to bounce along the ground and come to a halt under a tree. His body, gushing blood from its neck, fell neatly across the fire damping down the flames a little. Almost before the beast-men could react, Conan had killed yet another man-creature his body also falling on the fire to damp it down still further. By now the beast-men had realised their danger, they snatched up clubs and spears and swarmed around Conan and his horse.

“You’ve got to help him!” pleaded the princess as she gestured towards Conan who was beset on all sides by savages.

Faith reached across her body and touched the hilt of her sword, then changed her mind.

“Nah,” she shook her head slowly, “he wouldn’t thank me for it. It would be an insult to his manhood, anyway,” Faith smiled cheerily, “Dawn’s helping out.”

All the time they were talking, Conan’s blade rose and fell as beast-men and parts of beast-men started to litter the forest floor. Unnoticed by everyone, except Faith, Dawn had dismounted and had sneaked around behind the beast-men encampment while they were distracted by Conan; she ran up to the fire and looked at the man hanging from the pole.

“Gross!” Dawn looked in disgust at the man's ragged clothing, “Those monsters should thank me for saving them from a terrible stomach-ache!” Dawn knew all about stomach-aches. Her sword cut easily through the man’s rough bonds. “Why would they want to eat someone like you, anyway?” she added as she helped him to his feet.

“They thought that if they digested me,” the little bald-headed guy staggered a little as Dawn held him up by his arm, “my magic would be in there blood.”

“Oh way gross!” cried Dawn accidentally calling attention to their escape attempt, several beast-men left off fighting Conan and turned towards Dawn and their erstwhile lunch.

0=0=0=0

“Crap!” Faith snapped as she drew her own sword and kicked her horse into motion. 

Dawn was more than capable of fighting one-on-one, she was quick, nimble and wasn’t squeamish about going for the quick kill. She knew not to get into a strength competition with opponents who was bigger and stronger than her, so, against the beast-men she’d be hard pressed. Faith’s horse crashed into the fight bowling over several beast-men; her sword rose and fell cutting down two more and clearing a route to Dawn and the captive. The beast-men now realised they were facing two warriors on horseback; they broke and ran for the shelter of the trees. Conan galloped a short distance after them to encourage them on their way; cutting down their chief when he turned to face his pursuer. Turning his horse, Conan rode back to the fire, the little bald guy; that Dawn now noticed looked slightly oriental, bowed to Conan.

“I need you,” Conan said simply.

“I’m yours,” replied the little guy.

“You don’t think they’re, you know,” Dawn had come over to stand by Faith’s side, “gay?”

“Nah,” Faith looked down at Dawn as she sheathed her sword, at first she had sounded certain then a hint of doubt crept into her voice, “Nah, he can’t be.”

“No smoke without fire,” muttered Dawn as she went to remount her horse.

0=0=0=0

That night they spent in the forest and the next morning they found themselves riding across an area of sandy, cold desert, complete with what looked like Mammoth skeletons. Once again Faith found herself riding next to the princess, to forestall any more questions about whether such-and-such man was considered handsome, she decided to try and get some information out of the girl.

“Tell me more about this key,” she asked simply.

“Oh, its not an ordinary key,” explained the princess, “it’s a jewel.”

“A jewel!?” as if by magic Dawn appeared on the other side of the princess, “How big? How many carats? Diamond? Ruby? Sapphire…I like sapphires they go with my eyes.”

The princess giggled at Dawn’s avarice, “Its called the Heart of Araman.”

Dawn looked at Faith over the princess’ head and gave her a ‘I’ve never heard of it’ look; which was odd because Dawn knew the names of most of the important jewels in their new world.

“Can it be worn?” Faith asked.

“Only by me,” replied the princess, “no one else dare touch it.”

“That would be because of, like, the virgin thing, right?” there was a calculating tone in Dawn’s voice, she knew she’d find a use for this ‘virgin’ thing she was stuck with someday.

It was the one thing Faith and Buffy appeared to agree on; no boy was good enough for Dawn. Unlike Buffy however Faith didn’t whine and nag she just had a habit of knocking the guy over the head and telling Dawn that he’d stood her up when he didn’t turn up for their date. 

The party rode on towards their destination; With Conan in deep conversation with the short, bald, magician guy. Bombaata and the princess were talking urgently about something while Dawn rode along dreaming of high carat gems and new verses for her Buff Barbarian song. Faith appeared to be the only one who was aware and alert to their surroundings and any dangers it might contain. But even her sharp slayer eyes couldn’t see the danger they were riding into.

0=0=0=0


	5. Chapter 5

5.

By about mid-morning the following day they came to a settlement in the foothills of the mountains that now loomed over them forbiddingly. Faith and Dawn knew the place well; it was a meeting point for caravans travelling into the Northlands or south into Queen Taramis’ territory. They'd stopped here frequently when they were employed in their more law abiding capacities; Faith as a caravan guard and Dawn as a dancer; she earnt a living entertaining the members of the caravans with her dancing and simple magic tricks. While she hadn’t been born in the wagon of a travelling show; she still, on occasion, had to dance for the money people threw. Today the settlement was in uproar as they rode in; several people saw Faith and sent up a cheer.

“HURRAH!” they cried, “Hurrah for Faith the Buff Barbarian!”

Dawn’s 'Buff Barbarian song' was quite popular amongst the caravanning folk. 

“She’ll know what to do!” others cried as they crowded around the little party of travellers.

“What’s going on?” Faith called as she led the party into what passed for a market place.

Immediately she saw her question was redundant; the settlement folk had captured a tall thin black she-demon. The creature appeared, at first glance to be an attractive young woman and she wore almost as little as Dawn did when she was doing one of her more raunchier numbers. The she-demon was chained to a heavy tree trunk sunk into the ground in the center of the market place. She held half a dozen guards at bay with a long bronze sword; she would hack at the chain trying to free herself whenever the guards left her alone for more than a few seconds. She danced around the tree trunk striking at the guards whenever one was foolish enough to venture too close to her wickedly fast blade. Yet the guards where forced to keep attacking her, they knew that if she was allowed to free herself the settlement would be reduced to red ruin.

“Help her Faith!” cried the Princess as she rode up next to Faith.

“What!?” Faith turned astonished eyes on the princess, “Why?”

“Be-because…” the princess thought for a moment, “...because it’s not fair, there’s six of them against her.”

“One, two,” Faith made a show of counting, “yes there’s six,” she saw a man she knew and called him over, “Hey, Osrik, what’s goin’ on?”

The man Osrik smiled with relief and limped over to Faith he took hold of her horse’s bridle as he eased his leg. Faith saw there was blood seeping from the roughly bandaged limb.

“She,” he nodded towards the she-demon, “was a bandit chief. Her gang attacked the settlement last night. Killed several women and children as well as some of my guards,” Osrik winced with pain as Faith’s horse moved forcing him to move with it. “We managed to trap and kill most of her gang. We captured her but when we came to hang her this morning she grabbed a weapon and we’ve not been able to get near her since.”

Although Faith and Dawn were not averse to a little brigandage themselves they were wary of killing people or leaving them with nothing out in the wilderness.

“You could wear her down, or use bows,” suggested Faith; “shouldn’t be too difficult to kill her when she’s exhausted.”

“How long will that take?” pointed out Osrik, “How long does it take to wear down a demon; and arrows just bounce off her hide.”

“I suppose you want me to deal with her then?” Faith gave the man a crooked smile as she drew her sword.

Osrik eagerly nodded his head, Faith, sword in hand rode her horse through the crowd which started to quieten down and open a path for her when they saw her approach.

“Is she going to help her?” the princess asked Dawn.

“Don’t think so!” Dawn laughed, “Creatures like her should be killed.”

“WHAT!?” cried the princess.

“The prostitute is right,” growled Bombaata.

“Hey!” Dawn turned indignantly to face the guard officer, “Watch who’re calling a prostitute, Bum-biter!”

The crowd had gone quiet by the time Faith had stopped her horse and dismounted just out of reach of the she-demon. Up close Faith could see the creature’s scaly skin, her red eyes, black claws and sharp fangs, she could even smell her fetid breath...

“Hey, bitch!” Faith called as she approached, the demon snarled at her and flicked a long barbed tongue in her direction, Faith dodged to one side and the creature’s tongue returned to its mouth.

“HA!” laughed the demon as she rubbed her crotch obscenely and looked Faith up and down, “Think you can take me little girl?”

“No sweat,” smiled Faith.

“Huh?” the demon managed to bring her sword up to parry Faith’s first attack.

“OOOH!” gasped the crowd as Faith’s sword cut the bronze weapon in two as if it was a dry twig. 

Faith’s sword was made from the heart of a shooting star; no weapon of bronze could resist it. Continuing her stroke Faith turned side on to the demon and body checked her knocking the monster to the dusty ground. Throwing away her useless weapon the demon sprang back to her feet and charged at Faith. Her teeth and claws ready to rip Faith to bloody ribbons. Dodging away from the clumsy mad rush Faith tripped the demon and once more she found herself lying in the dust.

“HAAAA!” cried the crowd as Faith stepped nimbly in and swung her blade around to sever the tendons behind the demon’s knees. 

Screaming from a mixture of pain and frustration the demon dragged itself around on her arms until she was facing Faith again.

“YES!” cheered the crowd.

Faith raised her sword arm over the demon before bringing it down on her neck in a blindingly fast cut that sent the demon’s head spinning across the sand and her blood spurting out to splash over Faith’s boots.

“HURRAH!” roared the crowd as Faith wiped her sword clean and walked slowly back to her friends.

“You’re wicked awesome Faith!” Dawn grinned and clapped her hands.

“I think I’m going to be sick,” whispered the princess her face going deathly pale.

0=0=0=0

They rode on for the rest of the day with no further adventures until they were well into the mountains. The temperature dropped dramatically and they all stopped to put on extra clothing and warmer cloaks. On they rode along a twisting valley following the princess’ directions until they came out into a large bowl shaped natural depression containing a lake. The snow peaked mountains towered over the riders as they shivered in their cloaks, the lake was several hundred paces across. It steamed in the cold mountain air, far from being frigid from being fed by melt water it was strangely warm. Incongruously a great iceberg floated in the center of lake causing even more mist to rise where the warm lake water met the cold iceberg. The upper pinnacles of the iceberg had been carved into the likeness of a fairytale castle.

“There!” Princess Jehnna pointed across the lake, “There lies the key, the Heart of Araman. We must go on!”

“No!” said Conan speaking for everyone with the possible exception of Bombaata.

“But we must!” cried the girl, “You have to obey me!”

“We’ll obey you tomorrow,” Faith dismounted stiffly.

“Yeah,” agreed Dawn following Faith’s example, “It’ll like, still be there tomorrow.”

0=0=0=0

Standing in a row on the little beach, Faith, Conan and Bombaata looked at the small boat suspiciously. Conan looked from the boat back to the ruined house where they’d set up camp, then once again at the boat and the ice castle in the middle of the lake, he shook his head slowly.

“Me neither,” Faith answered the barbarian’s unspoken question.

“Nor I,” chimed in Bombaata.

“Perhaps Akiro vill now how to…” Conan made a vague gesture towards the boat, “…vot-ever you do vith das boots to make them go.”

“Yeah,” agreed Faith, “guy like him; a wizard an' all he’s bound to be able to…you know make it go.”

“After all,” Bombaata looked once more at the worryingly small craft, “how difficult can it be?”

The warriors grunted and nodded their agreement with Bombaata’s comment before turning and walking back to the ruin.

0=0=0=0

Before the warriors had gone off to do ‘warrior stuff’, Faith had put Dawn and the princess on fire wood collection detail. In reality this meant that Dawn walked along busily picking up pieces of firewood while the princess trailed behind her and talked incessantly. After going on in interminable detail about the ponies she’d had when she was a little girl, Princess Jehnna asked the question she’d been dying to ask since she’d first met Dawn.

“My Aunt said I wasn’t to speak to you any more than was necessary, she said you were a bad influence,” the princess smiled before asking, “What’s it like being a whore?”

Dawn squealed in outrage and dropped the firewood she’d collected

“I mean,” continued the princess seemingly not noticing Dawn’s outrage, “how many men have you…you know, ‘slept’ with…what’s it like?”

“Aaagh!” screamed Dawn angrily, “Why does everyone think I’m a prostitute?”

“Well,” the princess answered not realising that it’d been a rhetorical question, “you do all that ‘exotic’ dancing and…”

“Hold it right there, sister!” Dawn glared at the younger girl hands on hips, “Yeah, look; okay I do all the dancing stuff but that’s as far as it goes…comprendi?”

“Oh!” the princess looked very disappointed, “So you’ve never…?”

“Never!” Dawn shook her head firmly.

“Oh dear,” the princess brushed a strand of hair away from her face, “you see I was rather hoping you’d be able to advise me on…well, you know, men… and their…” the princess looked around obviously embarrassed, “...you know…their thingy’s and how big they should be.”

“How big?” Dawn frowned at the girl, “Thingy’s?”

“Never mind,” Princess Jehnna smiled brightly, “I’m sure it’ll all work itself out.”

Before Dawn could question the girl more closely the princess had turned her back and was heading towards the camp again, leaving Dawn to pick up the firewood and struggle along after her.

0=0=0=0

After a meal whipped up by Akiro the Wizard, the little party of adventures sat around their camp fire and told stories or sang songs. Faith told her famous ‘naked alligator wrestling’ story with embellishments and alterations; for instance it was a caravan of pilgrims belonging to one of the more prudish gods that she rescued not a bus load of southern Baptists.

Conan told a long story about one of his many adventures while Bombaata told a story of thwarting an assignation attempt on Queen Taramis. Princess Jehnna didn’t know any stories so she sang a song, everyone clapped politely when she’d finished. Akiro did some simple magic tricks. However the most popular act of the night was Dawn’s belly dancing display which definitely made her even more popular with the men in the party.

Eventually the darkness closed in and it was decided to turn in for the night; Bombaata and the Princess disappeared into a small roofless chamber away from the main group, for security reasons Bombaata explained. Faith and Dawn curled up under their cloaks and sleeping skins. After resting their heads on their saddles and Dawn’s usual complaints about missing her bed, they fell asleep.

0=0=0=0

Waking up in the middle of the night shivering, Dawn found that Faith had stolen all the covers again. She really didn’t see the point of sleeping together for warmth when one person stole all the blankets; Dawn promised herself she’d think up a new verse of the Buff Barbarian song that put this point over. Yanking on a bear skin Dawn managed to free enough from Faith’s grip to cover herself up again. Pushing her back up against Faith’s, Dawn snuggled down under the warm, furry, skin they used as a blanket. Closing her eyes and trying to get back to sleep she became aware of Bombaata and the Princess talking softly in the next room.

“Oh, but Bombaata,” giggled the princess softly, “its soooo big!”

In spite of herself Dawn couldn’t help but listen to what was going on; she couldn’t quite make out what Bombaata was saying. His voice was so low and deep and she didn’t have slayer hearing, but she thought she could make him out saying something like, ‘it has to be done’ and ‘it was for your own safety’.

Yeah, right, thought Dawn, she’d heard that one before (she hadn’t, not really, her boyfriends all seemed to disappear long before she got to the interesting bits), next he’d be saying he’d only put it in an inch! Dawn strained her ears to hear what was going on. There was some more girlish giggles followed by a gasp and a contented sigh.

“Gross!” whispered Dawn under her breath and not without a little jealousy, not that she lusted after Bombaata, but…

Turning over Dawn stuck her fingers in her ears to block out the sound of rhythmical gasping and groaning and went back to sleep.

0=0=0=0

Standing in a chamber deep within his fortress, Toth-Amon had been watching the little band of adventurers for most of the evening. Having come up with a plan he’d switched off his skrying bowl after everyone had decided to go to sleep for the night. He made his preparations. Weaving ancient and powerful magics as a basket maker would weave reeds, eventually he had the spell ready. Standing on a battlement facing the ruin where the group had camped. He spread his arms up to the sky and muttered some words of power under his breath and slowly turned into a great insubstantial bird made of mist and smoke.

The wizard in bird form flapped his great wings and leapt off the battlement. Swooping down to almost brush the steaming surface of the lake he flew slowly towards his target. He flew until he was poised over the old tumbled down building, seeking out his target he beat great silent wings as he hovered and reached out with his talons. Grasping the sleeping form of the one he wanted he lifted her in his claws, flew up into the sky, turned to fly slowly back to his keep.

0=0=0=0

Waking the next morning Faith yawned and reached behind her to shake Dawn awake. To her surprise she found that the younger girl had already gotten up. Smiling to herself Faith started to settle down for another five minutes; Dawn had obviously got up to take a leak before starting on the breakfast oatmeal. As Faith settled back down a frown crossed her face, her senses were telling her that something was wrong. Touching the little hollow where Dawn should be sleeping, she found that the blankets were cold, with no sign of any residual heat left by Dawn. Sitting up she looked around the camp a feeling of near panic rising in her chest.

“Dawn?” she called loud enough for her voice to be heard around the camp, there was no answer, climbing to her feet she grabbed her sword. “Dawn?” she cried more loudly this time, again there was no answer, Dawn knew not to stray too far from camp in unfamiliar territory. Faith rushed out into the open her frantic eyes searching the shore line; no Dawn and no footprints to indicate where she might have wandered off to. “DAWN!?” yelled Faith not caring if she woke the whole of creation, Dawn was missing, her one friend and connection to her old life was gone.

“Vot’s rong?” Conan ran up behind her sword in hand, followed a few steps behind by Bombaata.

“Dawn’s vanished!” Faith turned to face the big barbarian, “She knows not to wander off, someone must have taken her.”

“Or something,” added Conan mysteriously.

“So, the little whore’s run off,” Bombaata started to lose interest, the princess wasn’t in danger so it was nothing for him to worry about.

Faith stepped over to the big man and punched him hard enough to knock him onto his butt.

“STOP CALLING HER A WHORE!” screamed Faith as she stood over the prostrate man; Conan rushed over and grabbed her sword arm.

The big barbarian’s touch had the effect of calming her down; instead of killing the man she pierced him with a look that had struck terror into man and demon alike.

“Don’t ever call her a whore again,” menace dripped from Faith’s lips as she spoke, “if you do, you’re a dead man.”

This was getting them nowhere, thought Conan, he turned to Akiro who stood a little way off with the princess.

“Vere is she?” he called over to the little bald man.

Muttering words under his breath he pointed towards the ice castle in the middle of the lake.

“There!” he cried.

Looking across the steaming waters Faith wiped at her eyes, she had to find Dawn. The little, perky, brat had become like a sister to her over the months they’d been in this strange world. Dawn had kept her ‘grounded’ and in their own strange way ‘honest’. Without her friend, Faith didn’t know what she’d do. Plus, apart from anything else, if she ever got home without Dawn, ‘B’ would kill her!

0=0=0=0


	6. Chapter 6

6.

“There!” Faith repeated incredulously, “Ya mean in the great freaking ice castle that’s the only other building for miles around?”

Giving Faith a sort of ‘frightened rabbit’ look Akiro slid behind Conan and hid.

“Next,” sarcasm dripped from Faith’s lips with every word, “you’ll be telling me that this Toth-Amon guy’s got her?” Faith tied her sword belt around her slim waist, “Hey, I must be a freakin' wizard too coz, like, I COULD HAVE TOLD YOU THAT, YA FREAKIN’ ASSHOLE!” 

The little wizard cowered behind Conan who stood like a big dumb mountain with a silly grin on his face.

“Hey, Faith,” Conan’s voice sounded surprisingly unworried, “it’ll be alright, ve just row across der lake. Kill the vizard, steal der jewel unt rescue Dawnie…nien problemo!”

“Yeah, okay,” Faith breathed deeply for a moment; yelling at people wasn’t going to save Dawn.

By now everyone was standing on the little shingle beach; weapons were being buckled on proprietary to storming the wizard’s lair.

“Into das boot!” ordered Conan as he climbed aboard, the small vessel rocked alarmingly as the warriors clambered over the side.

“Um,” Princess Jehnna stood on the beach an animal skin blanket still wrapped tightly around her shoulders, “I think I’ll stay here,” she called nervously, “look after the horses for you.”

“Alone?” Conan asked simply.

“On second thoughts,” Jehnna started to climb into the boat, “I think I should come and help…you never know when you might need a princess.”

A moment or two later the party of adventurers had themselves sorted out; Akiro sat in the stern holding the rudder. Faith, Conan and Bombaata were ready with the oars while Princess Jehnna stood in the bow as ‘look-out’.

“Stroke!” ordered Akiro from his seat in the stern.

The warriors dipped their oars into the water and pulled; the boat didn’t move.

“Maybe,” Bombaata looked at his oar suspiciously, “it needs some magic to make it work.”

“No,” said the little wizard wearily, “we have just grounded the boat, someone will need to get out and give us a push to get it started.”

There was silence in the boat as the crew looked questioningly at one another.

“Well,” Princess Jehnna called from the bow, “I’m not doing it!”

Sighing heavily Faith stood up and climbed over the side into the warm lake water.

“I’ll do it,” she waded through the shallow water to the stern; grabbing hold of the woodwork near the rudder and pushed, the boat grated along the bottom for a moment before floating free.

Jumping back into ‘das boot’, Faith took up her position at her oar again. 

“Stroke!” ordered Akiro again, the boat moved slowly out onto the lake, “Stroke!” Akiro was starting to get into the swing of things, after-all, all he had to do was sit in the back and shout. “Put your backs into it!” the little oriental suggested as the boat skimmed across the surface towards the ice castle.

Standing up in the bow, Jehnna put one foot on the gunwale and wrapped her cloak around her as she stared off towards the castle looking for somewhere to land. At first she couldn’t see anywhere but then…

“Right a bit,” she cried and the bow started to move to the left as Akiro pushed the rudder over to the right.

“NO!” squeaked the princess, “Other right!” the boat came back onto the correct heading. “I can see a tunnel or something going under the castle, it must lead to a landing place, I can’t see anywhere else.”

0=0=0=0

Light bounced off the ice walls illuminating the tunnel with a strange blue glow. The boat slid silently between the ice walls. However the rescue party were making enough noise to wake the dead as they struggled to fend off the rock hard ice walls with their oars. Eventually the boat scrapped against the steps of a landing stage deep under the castle.

“Bloody hell its cold,” Jehnna shivered as her teeth chattered loudly.

Faith dressed only in her fur bikini, Conan in his fur jockstrap and Bombaata who had stripped down to his vest all looked at her coldly.

“Well,” whined the teenager, “I feel the cold,” she quickly changed the subject, “how do we get in?”

The girl had a point, although they were standing on what was obviously a landing stage there didn’t appear to be a door leading into the castle.

“How do ve get in?” demanded Conan of the wizard.

Akiro muttered more strange words under his breath and pointed at the water.

“There is entrance below us,” he announced proudly.

“Under the water?” asked Faith. 

“Well, I’m not swimming,” the princess gave the water an apprehensive look, “it doesn’t look very clean…you know in these older castles the sewage goes straight into the moat, or in this case, lake.”

“She has a point,” Bombaata nodded.

This was getting them nowhere, thought Faith, by the time they got to Dawn, who knew what the wizard would have done to her? It was a well know fact that all wizards were sexual deviants, Faith eyed Akiro distrustfully.

“Come on,” she cried urgently, “we’ve got to rescue Dawn!”

Everyone started to look for any hidden doors. No doors came to light after their first quick search (hidden doors are notoriously difficult to find because by definition they’re ‘hidden’). Conan drew his sword and struck at a section of ice; it was either because he’d detected an area of the ice wall that looked different to the rest or, and more likely, he was just frustrated at not being able to get in. Hacking away at the wall, chunks of ice flew in all directions as first a small hole appeared then a larger one as the ice came away in large lumps.

“Here!” Conan cried proudly, “I knew there had to be a door here some-vere,” he stood back so everyone could see his handiwork. “After all, if der vizard came home vith der heavy shopping he’s not going to vont to svim unter der vaser vith it, nic-var?”

Wondering who Nick Var was, Faith had to agree, “Follow me!” she cried and dashed through the door sword held ready to fight off the hordes of demons the wizard probably used to guard his castle.

0=0=0=0

Feeling slightly disappointed at not having to wade through rivers of demon blood, Faith led the party along long deserted blue-white corridors. The ice creaked ominously as they padded silently forward alert for any sign that their presence had been detected. After five or ten minutes, Faith led the party to a huge chamber; in the centre of which stood an enormous pillar of stone that led up into the darkness.

“A-ha!” cried Princess Jehnna, everyone turned to look at her, “I’ve read about this sort of thing. This is like a central support,” explained the Princess earnestly, “it holds the entire edifice up; there’ll be a staircase or something leading to the upper levels.”

Sure enough a quick search revealed a staircase that spiralled around the pillar and headed up into the dark at the top of the column. Faith looked at the girl with a new found respect; maybe it was true? You never did know when a princess might come in handy.

0=0=0=0

After a climb that seemed to go on forever, Faith led everyone across a narrow stone bridge and into an ice walled chamber. Here there was evidence of habitation; old clothes and pieces of broken furniture lay scattered about the floor. Seeing a door leading to a more brightly lit area, Faith advanced sword in hand to investigate; as she moved the door to yet another chamber came into view. She’d have to cross the first chamber to get to the second, stepping towards the door she caught sight of a bed and lying on the bed was Dawn’s still form.

“Fucking pervert wizards!” Faith snarled as she stepped into the larger chamber.

Before Akiro could spring to the defence of his profession a glass door slid closed cutting Faith off from her friends.

0=0=0=0

Finding herself alone, Faith turned to see she was standing in the middle of a large round room. A door had closed behind her cutting her off from Conan and the others while another had closed preventing her from rescuing Dawn.

“Fuck!” she cursed softly as she turned watching for danger.

Nothing jumped out at her from the walls which were covered in grey canvas curtains so she went over to examine the only other thing in the room. There standing on a polished metal stand was a jewel the size and quality of which she’d not seen before.

“Who said size doesn’t matter?” her hand reached out to touch the goose egg sized gem; she snatched her hand back just as her fingers were about to touch the jewel.

Her slayer senses had been flashing warning signals to her and she remembered what she’d been told about the Heart of Araman, only the princess could touch it. Standing up straight and backing away from the stone Faith noticed the curtains start to lift to reveal mirrors; she watched in fascination as hundreds of Faith’s stared back at her. This sort of thing usually meant that something bad was about to happen, she raised her sword.

0=0=0=0

Having failed to open the door by brute force Bombaata and Conan stepped back and shook their collective heads.

“Wizard!” Princess Jehnna pointed at the door, “Magic it open.”

Stepping aside to let the funny little man near the door Jehnna started to wonder if she was the only one with a brain. As she pondered this important thought the wizard started making a noise like he was constipated as he began to wave his arms around. Rolling her eyes Jehnna sighed as the door remained firmly shut.

0=0=0=0

Faith’s eyes grew round with amazement as a red cowled figure stepped from each of the mirrors. One half of the red cloaked apparitions turned to the left and the other half to the right. The two at the end of each line started to walk forward collecting up the other shades as they passed and becoming more substantial as they joined together. Not waiting for the figures to finish what they were doing Faith leapt forward and swung her sword; the blade passed right through her target.

“Crap!” growled Faith as the figures became one and turned towards her.

The figure lifted a clawed hand and pushed back the hood of his cloak to reveal the head of a lizard-like creature, it roared at Faith as it crouched ready to spring to the attack.

0=0=0=0

“Look,” Jehnna cried in frustration, “why don’t you hit it with something heavy?”

Jehnna could almost see the candles light above the warrior’s heads. The wizard had failed to open the door and she was fast running out of ideas on how to gain entry to the room that held the Heart of Araman, Faith and Dawn. Surrounded by so much testosterone fuelled ignorance, Jehnna was starting to get feelings of sisterly solidarity with the two women trapped on the other side of the glass door.

“Go on one of you,” she pointed at the door, “hit it!”

0=0=0=0

Faith backed away from the lizard man’s latest lunge at her, she thrust with her sword and once more watched it pass harmlessly through the monster. However, when it hit her the blow landed with a solid force that almost knocked her off her feet. How did you fight something that your weapon passed straight through? Next time the creature came in range she launched a vicious side kick at its knee. 

The monster howled in pain but soon recovered and sent Faith sliding across the floor of the chamber. Getting to her feet she realised she’d have to fight this thing hand-to-hand, trouble was it was as least as strong as she was. Casting away her sword in frustration Faith bounced to her feet and advanced on the monster. Not realising how hard she’d thrown her sword until she heard one of the mirrors shatter; she also heard the lizard-man as it howled in pain and clutched at a wound that had suddenly appeared on his chest. Faith quickly put two and two together, came up with four and ran to pick up her sword again, she worked her way quickly around the room smashing mirrors as she went. At each shattering of a mirror a new wound appeared on the monster and it staggered weakly about the chamber trying to catch her. Eventually there were only two mirrors left. The monster stood panting as it watched Faith lift her sword.

“Only two mirrors left, wizard,” Faith grinned, “and I bet you’re behind one of them.”

Making as if to throw her sword at the mirror behind the wizard, Faith turned at the last moment and sent her sword flying to shatter the mirror behind her. Staggering through the smashed glass came the once powerful wizard, Toth-Amon, Faith’s sword protruding from his chest. He staggered across the chamber reaching for the Heart of Araman. He fell to the ground his fingers still grasping for the jewel and there, in front of Faith’s astonished eyes he vanished leaving her bloodstained sword lying on the ground.

0=0=0=0

Yawning Dawn sat up on the bed and looked around, someone had been making a terrible noise like breaking glass and screaming; it had woken her up.

“Faith!” she looked up bleary eyed as Faith burst into the room, “I should have know, you woke me up while I was having a really good dream in this nice soft bed.”

As if to demonstrate Dawn bounced on the bed a little.

“Yeah, right,” Faith returned her sword to its sheath, “next time you’re held captive by freakin', pervert, deviant wizards I won’t come rescue you, okay?”

“Captive,” gasped Dawn looking around and realising for the first time where she was, “Pervert wizards?” 

Hurling herself at Faith, Dawn hugged her tightly, just as the princess lead the others into the chamber.

0=0=0=0

“Okay,” Faith looked at her companions as they all stood self-consciously around the glass strewn chamber, “the jewel?”

“Yes,” the princess took a deep breath but didn’t move, “the jewel.”

“Vell?” Conan frowned at the girl, even he could see she was reluctant to move.

Bombaata shuffled his feet nervously and avoided looking anyone in the eye.

“Come on,” sighed Dawn, she was hungry, she wanted her breakfast, “we’ve come all this way now lets get on with it.”

Walking towards the Heart of Araman, Princess Jehnna reached for the gem and hesitated.

“Um,” she turned to face the group, “you know my aunt said only I could touch it?”

Everyone nodded.

“Well,” sighed Jehnna, “that’s not exactly true…”

“It’s not?” Akiro rubbed his chin as he tried to work out what the girl was getting at.

“It’s,” Jehnna looked pleadingly at Bombaata, “it’s more of a virgin thing, and since last night I’m…”

“SEE!” cried Dawn pointing at the princess accusingly, “You’re so busted!” she looked at Faith, “I told you they were screwing!” She hadn’t but little details like that had never stopped her before; she looked at Jehnna and followed her eyes to where they rested on Bombaata, “OH GROSS!” squealed Dawn, “Oh that’s just so freaking…WRONG!”

Jehnna nodded her head guiltily.

“You let Bang-Bugger…” words failed Dawn before she had to get too graphic in her descriptions.

“Let me see if ve’ve got this right,” Conan stepped forward and scratched his head. “We need der virgin because der virgin ist der only von that can touch der jewel…but der princess ist no longer der virgin.”

“Sounds about right,” agreed Faith.

“So ve need der new virgin,” Conan’s train of thought came rumbling to a dead stop; for a moment there was total silence in the room as all heads turned to look at Dawn.

“What?” Dawn asked becoming uncomfortable at being the centre of attention.

“You’re still a virgin, Dawnie, aren’t ya?” Faith regarded Dawn hopefully, “I mean ya didn’t slip one in while I wasn’t looking, did ya?”

Jehnna giggled at Faith’s unintended play on words.

“N-no,” Dawn looked at all the faces staring at her, “something keeps scaring off all my boyfriends so…I…never…” realisation dawned on Dawn, “Okay,” she sighed, “looks like I’m it,” she walked over to the jewel and picked it up.

As she did so a noise like a thousand plate glass windows breaking broke the silence and lumps of ice started to fall from the ceiling.

“I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING!” screamed Dawn as they all rushed for the exits and the castle started to collapse around them.

0=0=0=0


	7. Chapter 7

7.

“Women and princess’ first!” cried Princess Jehnna as she ran along the corridors that led to the spiral stairs and the landing stage.

Once solid walls now creaked, cracked and shattered as the magic holding them together died with the wizard. Lurching from side to side the party made its precarious way down to safety. Very soon they found themselves scrambling into the boat as huge lumps of ice smashed into the water causing mini tidal waves to rock the boat almost tipping them into the foaming water. Eventually they fought their way free of the terror that was the collapsing castle. As they rowed they looked back to see the castle melting into the warm lake water. Great bubbles of air trapped in the ice for eons boiled to the surface as massive blocks of ice shattered and thundered in the turmoil of the castle’s destruction.

“All an illusion,” Akiro gasped quietly as the last pieces of wall sunk into the lake.

“No,” Dawn sighed, “more to do with the freezing spell the wizard was using being switched off and the effects of warm water I think.”

The little wizard gave Dawn a dirty look.

“Hey, Dawn, no one likes a smart-ass,” Faith observed.

0=0=0=0

They rode hard all day trying to put as much distance between themselves and that evil place. Following the princess’ directions they made their way through the great forest. However, by the time they made camp that evening trees still loomed over them and branches still grabbed at their clothes as they passed. There was no dancing or singing when they pitched camp that night, everyone was too tired from the day’s adventures. The Princess had to be shaken awake so she could eat, and as soon as she’d finished the girl rolled over on her blankets and fell into a deep sleep. Only Faith seemed to have enough energy left to watch for a while as the others dozed off. Even she started to yawn after a while, so, after banking the fire and checking on the horses she crawled under the bear skin next to Dawn and fell asleep.

0=0=0=0

Waking with a start, Faith opened her eyes but didn’t move, she’d been woken by the strange tingling feeling she got at the base of her spine that usually warned her of danger. Moving her head slowly, she looked around the camp site, the fire burnt low and the horses sounded edgy there was defiantly a predator close by. Reaching over to Dawn, Faith shook her awake and clamped her hand over the sleepy girl’s mouth.

“Shhh!” she hissed quietly into Dawn’s ear, “We've got trouble.”

Dawn nodded her head to show she understood and Faith removed her hand.

“When the fighting starts,” Faith whispered, “look after the jewel and the girl, okay?”

“O…” began Dawn but she was cut off by a yell as a man burst into the ring of light cast by the fire.

In an instant Faith was on her feet, she lunged at the man with her sword and watched it bury itself into his stomach. The man laughed at her and made to take a swing with his own blade at Faith’s head. Faith, however, had let go of her sword leaving it protruding from the man’s body, she dropped to the ground swinging her leg around to sweep the man’s legs from under him.

“VAMPIRE!” yelled Faith waking the others.

As fast as a striking serpent Faith was on the bloodsucker, she grabbed the foul creature's head in both hands and twisted. There was a stratifying snap like a breaking branch just before the vampire turned to dust.

“Wampeer?” muttered Conan as he struggled to his feet sword in hand.

More children of the night appeared from out of the trees and attacked the camp. Conan raised his sword and lopped off the sword arm of the first vampire that attacked him. The arm turned to ash, the sword that had been in its hand falling to the ground with a discordant ‘Clang!’ Bringing his sword around in a great arc, Conan neatly parted the vampire’s head from his shoulders. The barbarian warrior stood back and watched wild eyed as the bloodsucker turned to ash in the fire light.

Fighting was general around the camp as Dawn crawled on hands and knees through the struggling bodies. Conan and Bombaata struggled manfully with the vampires, but even their great strength didn’t help them against the supernatural strength of the leeches. Faith, however, was in her element, she cut a small branch from a nearby tree; sword in one hand adhoc stake in the other she fought with joyous abandon, staking a vampire here and cutting off the head of another there.

Drawing her own sword Dawn slashed at the leg of a vampire that was struggling with the little wizard. There was an explosion of vamp-dust as the monster’s foot disintegrated followed almost immediately by a scream and a bright flare of fire as the vampire burst into flames; obviously the wizard had his own way of dealing with the undead. Dawn crawled on towards where the princess cowered and screamed. Bombaata stood near the girl swinging his great spiked mace, Dawn tutted and shook her head. The guy would have done better to have used his sword.

“Ha!” laughed Dawn the veteran vampire hunter, “Newbie’s!”

While the guardsman was struggling with one particularly energetic vamp, Dawn scrabbled to her feet and ran the last couple of yards to where the princess screamed.

“Shut the fuck up!” Dawn ordered, as she clamped her hand over the girl’s mouth, “You’re only drawing them to you.”

The fight raged with undiminished ferocity, the wizard had done something to the fire and the flames burnt high and bright illuminating the campsite. The camp appeared to be a struggling mass of bodies; vampires clustered around Conan and Bombaata but tried to avoid Faith. Every few moments there’d be an eruption of ash as a vampire met Faith’s stake or sword. Pushing the girl behind her Dawn took shelter behind the inadequate protection of her sword. Striking out at a hand that snaked out from the darkness to snag hold of her arm, she was gratified to see several fingers turn to ash and hear a howl of pain as the hand was snatched back. Turning to the princess Dawn pushed her into the darkness under the trees. If they could get away from the fight and hide, reasoned Dawn, Faith would come and get them later. Grabbing hold of the princess’ wrist Dawn pulled her deeper into the forest.

“BOMBAATA!” wailed the princess as loudly as she could; obviously the concept of sneaking off from the battle was lost on her, losing it for a moment Dawn slapped the girl across the face.

“I thought I told you to shut up!” Dawn snarled angrily; pulling on the now silent girl's arm she dragged her further into the dark, sinister woods.

0=0=0=0

Forced down on to his knees Conan struggled with a vampire, its fangs where only inches from his neck and any minute now he’d be joining the ranks of the undead. He sneezed as the vampire disappeared into a cloud of dust and its horrible visage was replaced by Faith’s grinning face.

“Much better,” smiled Conan as he climbed to his feet and adjusted the grip on his sword.

Over on the other side of the fire Bombaata stuck ineffectually at a ring of vampires who had him surrounded, any moment now the vampires would rush him and the big guard would disappear in a sea of fangs. The wizard, Akiro, stood at bay over by the horses, the two or three vampires that threatened him seemed reluctant to close and finish the little man off. Obviously the wizard could hold out for a few more minutes. Faith made the decision to go rescue Bombaata first.

With Conan watching her back, Faith came up behind the first vampire and took off his head. Spinning on the balls of her feet she swung at the next bloodsucker in line and sent him to ‘dustville’ her blade catching him just under the chin. Not to be out done, Conan brought his great sword around in a blur of bright metal to cut a vamp in two. The vampire’s legs burst into dust and the surprised bloodsucker found himself looking up into Conan’s grinning face while he balanced on his truncated torso.

With a grunt, Conan brought his sword down and neatly sliced off the vampires head. Sighing in satisfaction, he looked up to find that while he’d been dealing with his lone vampire, Faith had dusted all but one of the others. With a roar Bombaata drew his sword and with a few deft strokes literally disarmed then killed the last vampire. There was a scream from over by the horses, turning the three warriors saw one of the vampires near the wizard burst into bright blue flame. The two remaining creatures of the night looked around, realised they were on their own and ran for the cover of the trees.

“After them!” Bombaata made a move to follow the fleeing creatures, he was held back by the small but incredibly strong hand on his arm.

“Where’re the girls?” Faith demanded.

0=0=0=0

"Touch me and Faith’s so gonna kill you," warned Dawn as the circle of vampires got closer.

There were at least half a dozen of them and Dawn knew she had little chance of saving herself let alone the princess. The princess huddled behind her and sobbed loudly in Dawn’s ear making it difficult to concentrate; it was then Dawn realised just how annoying her sister must have found it each time she’d screamed or needed rescuing.

“Faith?” asked the biggest, baddest looking vampire, he turned to his comrades but they just shrugged at him.

“Yeah,” Dawn looked from one vampire to another, they’d backed her and Jehnna up against a tree and now there was nowhere else to run, “Faith…the Buff Barbarian?”

The vampires just looked puzzled and shook their heads.

“Oh come on guys!” Dawn frowned disbelievingly at the ring of bloodsuckers, “everyone’s heard of ‘Faith, the Buff Barbarian’.”

“No.”

“Nope.”

“Not me.”

“Who?”

The vampires stood around and looked at each other in confusion.

“You’re so uncool,” Dawn let the tip of her sword drop as she looked in disbelief at the vamps.

“What are you doing?” whispered the princess, “We should run!”

“Shhh,” hissed Dawn out of the corner of her mouth, “You mean you’ve never heard the song?”

“There’s a song?” frowned the vamp leader.

“Yeah listen;

_She is the very model of a heroine barbarian;  
Through Herculean efforts, she’s become humanitarian.  
She rides throughout the hinterland; at least that's what they call it in  
Those sissy towns like Sunnydale, Faith herself, is a Bostonian…”_

“OH!” exclaimed the leader taking a step away from Dawn, “Do you mean the Dark Terror of the Night who travels with a Prostitute?”

Silently the vampire party was reduced to five.

“Hey, look I am _so_ not a prostitute!” Dawn smiled with a certain amount of reflected glory after recovering her hurt feelings, “An' yeah, we’re like best buds…sisters, almost.”

“Hey, sorry,” the leader continued backing away from Dawn as another vampire turned silently to dust, “we didn’t know,” now there were only three vampires left, “no offence, we’ll just be going, alright?”

The lead vampire glanced to either side to find he was alone, he swallowed noisily.

“She’s right behind me, isn’t she?” 

“Uh-huh,” Dawn nodded her head and almost felt sorry for the vampire…almost. She sang the last half of the verse to herself to cover the sound of the vampire’s short and extremely violent interrogation.

_“…She travels with a dancer who is perky and parthenian*  
Who dances her dances in taverns dark and smelly-ian  
And many have attempted, by a host of methods mystical,  
To tell if their relationship's sororal or sapphistical.”_

*: Virginal.

“Okay, asshole,” Faith brushed vamp dust from her hands and clothes; she turned to glare at Bombaata, “why’d the Queen send this fang-gang after us?”

The vampire had been quite talkative in his last few moments on this earth.

“I know nothing of this!” Bombaata stalked over to Princess Jehnna and put a protective arm around the girl's shoulder. 

Princess Jehnna hugged Bombaata fiercely as she scowled at Faith like an angry chipmunk. Even Faith could see that there was some sort of bond between these two, her suspicions were confirmed when Dawn came over to whisper, ‘Ewww, gross!’ in her ear.

“Okay,” Faith relaxed a little, “then why would the Queen want you and Miss Girlie Princess there, dead?”

“Maybe she’s found out that I’m not…” the princess’ voice faded away, she didn’t want to admit the truth just yet.

“HA!” Conan stepped forward, “The Queen must know that the princess is nien-longer a virgin, unt ist nien-longer any use to her…after all virgins are ten a penny in some places.” Conan shook his head sadly at the thought of all those virgins; so much work to do and so little time; he sighed longingly. “She nien doubt sent der Wampeers to steal the jewel and carry it back to her.”

“No-no,” cried Jehnna, “my aunt would never do that…”

“Yeah, right,” Dawn laughed knowingly, “you don’t think that the pushy bitch-ho queen of sluts-ville wouldn’t have your throat cut if it served her purpose?”

“On no,” Jehnna admitted, “my aunt is quite capable of having me killed…but what would be the point?”

“Huh?” observed Faith thinking like the whole questioning thing had got away from her.

“There is another element the queen needs to carry out the ceremony,” explained Jehnna, “and only I know where it is hidden.”

“Are ya suggesting we carry on as if nothing has happened?” asked Faith, personally she was all for cutting and running while the running was good.

“But your prize…” Jehnna let the words hang in the air between them.

Once again visions of Big Macs and chocolate milkshakes danced in front of Faith’s eyes; the only thing that danced in front of Dawn’s eyes were great big dollar signs as she thought of all the gold and jewels there might be lying around unattended along the way.

“I can still give you your prize,” Jehnna watched Faith and Conan closely, “if you agree to help me, of course.”

Faith turned to Dawn and raised an eyebrow, Dawn shrugged and turned away heading back to the campsite.

“Whatever,” Dawn called over her shoulder.

“Yeah, okay,” Faith added reluctantly, this was probably going to be a very bad mistake, “let’s get back to camp and try to get some rest before dawn.”

Glancing up at the lightening sky Faith turned to follow Dawn; Akiro wandered over to whisper urgently in Conan’s ear as the two men followed Faith and Dawn’s example. For a moment Jehnna and Bombaata were left alone in the clearing.

“Do you think they can be trusted?” rumbled Bombaata.

“As long as they believe I can give them what they want,” Jehnna ran her hand softly across Bombaata’s cheek, “they’ll be loyal enough.”

“But what when they discover that you have no power?” Bombaata lifted the girl easily and she wrapped her legs around his waist.

“Well,” Jehnna put her arms around Bombaata’s neck and kissed him deeply, “when I am Queen,” she shivered with excitement as the big man’s hands roamed across her body to finally come to rest on her small pert breasts, “and you are Prince Regent, who knows what we might find to give them?” The girl giggled quietly, “Oh, Bombaata,” she moaned, “you’re soooo big!”

0=0=0=0


	8. Chapter 8

8.

Awakening a couple of hours later Faith immediately became aware of several things; first Dawn had her arm wrapped tightly around her waist, her breasts were squeezed up against her back like…well, like two breasts. Thirdly Faith had a very full bladder and really needed to ‘go visit the fairies’; she started to gently disentangle herself from Dawn’s embrace. Dawn, however, just tightened her grip and tried to snuggle up closer.

“I love you Faith.”

The words froze Faith in place; she was close to panic, Dawn had turned gay overnight!? Maybe she should’ve let a couple of Dawn’s perspective boyfriends through after all. Wasn’t this how it had happened with Red? Hadn’t she been screwing ‘dog-boy’ until he’d run off (weren’t ‘dogs’ supposed to be loyal?) then a couple of days later she’d been ‘eating carpet’ with that Wicca girl, what’s-her-name?

“In, like, a totally sisterly way,” Dawn added sleepily.

“Gee, thanks,” Faith breathed a sigh of relief.

“You’re welcome,” mumbled Dawn.

“Gotta go,” Faith started to move Dawn’s hand again.

“Okay,” still not opening her eyes Dawn released her hold on Faith and turned over on the blanket and pulled their bearskin around her more tightly.

0=0=0=0

Glancing around to check she was alone, Faith pulled down her panties and squatted behind a tree, she sighed with relief.

“How do you keep a man?” Princess Jehnna’s voice appeared to come straight out of thin air.

“Jeez!” hissed Faith quietly, “Can’t I even take a leak by myself?” Then aloud she said, “You’re totally not asking the right woman.”

“Once you’ve got your man,” Jehnna appeared from behind another tree, she adjusted her own clothing as she walked, “how do you keep hold of him?”

Standing up, Faith quickly pulled up her own panties, she’d never been a great one for the whole ‘let’s all go to the ladies room together and talk about our boyfriends’ thing back in the real world. But to have to go through it here in a forest and early in the morning was too much for her; she was just about to tell the Princess to get lost when she sighed and relented.

“There’s always sex,” Faith suggested, “guys’ll do anything for regular sex.”

Not that Faith’d had much chance to test that theory out just lately; the risk of pregnancy was too great (this was one of the reasons she kept knocking Dawn’s boyfriends on the head) for anything more than an occasional one night stand.

“You think?” the princess looked up into Faith’s eyes and frowned, “Isn’t that a little dishonest? I mean shouldn’t a relationship be built on something more than just carnal desire?”

“Like I say, kid,” Faith started to edge away from the girl and head back to camp, “I’m not the woman to ask.”

When she thought about it sex hadn’t kept any of the guys she’d been interested in. Woody was still around, or had been when she’d left; he seemed okay, better than most of her choices over the years and he was almost as good as he thought he was.

“I’ve sort of asked Dawn,” the princess followed behind Faith like a puppy, “but she’s not a whore and doesn’t appear to know much more about men than I do.”

“Yeah, look,” Faith stopped and turned to face Jehnna, “this is all stuff your mother or y’aunt should tell ya, okay?” 

“My mother’s dead and my Aunt didn’t want me learning about…you know…men,” the girl’s face brightened after a moment, “oh well, I expect I’ll work out what works best…sex you say?”

“Yeah,” nodded Faith relieved that her stint at being an agony aunt seemed to be coming to an end.

“How much sex?” asked the princess innocently, “Do you think three or four times a day is enough?”

0=0=0=0

A couple of hours of hard riding brought them to the edge of the forest. The princess led them into an area of deep gullies that twisted and turned until Faith didn’t know where they were going. Eventually they halted at the entrance of a narrow crevice.

“Through there?” Conan asked in amazement, the opening would be a tight squeeze for the big man.

“I go where I feel myself led,” explained the princess.

"So it vould seem,” agreed Conan.  
Reluctantly they climbed from their horses and squeezed through the opening and into the narrow passageway beyond. Again the passageway twisted and turned back on itself until it finally opened out into a wide clearing that acted as a fore court to a temple or mausoleum built into the side of the gully. Approaching cautiously Faith noticed how the temple or whatever it was hadn’t been built but more carved into the mud and stone walls of the gully.

“What do you think?” Faith asked Dawn quietly as they approached.

“Don’t like it,” Dawn gave an involuntary shiver, “feels icky.”

“You get that too, eh?”

Dawn nodded her head and looked up at the temple apprehensively. A short flight of steps led up to an entrance which was blocked by a big heavy looking stone door. Conan rushed forward and put his shoulder against the portal and pushed. The door creaked and groaned as it slowly started to open. Bombaata left the princess’ side and added his weight to the door. Slowly, reluctantly the door swung open to reveal a pitch black corridor that led down into the earth.

Stepping into the temple, Conan and Bombaata led the way down half-a-dozen steps onto a wide stone floored platform. Faith hung back with Dawn and the princess; she'd noticed the worried look on the little wizard’s face, he must be feeling the whole ‘evil vibe’ too. The princess walked to the front of the group and stood at the edge of the platform, a strange rapped expression on her face, she pointed into the dark.

“That way,” her voice almost too quiet to hear.

The princess led the way down a few more steps into another chamber. This chamber was even darker than the first, she stopped at the entrance of a stone lined corridor that led to who knew where. Even Faith’s slayer enhanced eyes couldn’t make out anything but blackness ahead. Taking a torch from a bracket on the wall, Conan held it out to Akiro. The wizard waved his arms about for a moment and the torch burst into flame. There was a general drawing of weapons and the adventurers advanced down the corridor, Conan leading the way, torch held high.

0=0=0=0

The group had been inside the temple for about five minutes before Dawn screamed; the party stopped and turned ready to fight off whatever loathsome creature had attacked her. Instead of some dread hell-fiend they saw Dawn striking ineffectually with her sword at a rat that was scurrying along the corridor trying to get away from the human with the ultra-sound voice.

“EWW! Rats!” Dawn explained lamely.

“A rat,” Faith corrected.

“Whatever,” Dawn sighed as the party moved on.

After several more minutes of tunnels and stairways the Princess led them down an extra long flight of stairs into a large, cavern-like chamber. Faith felt the darkness press in on her eyeballs whenever she looked away from where Conan held the torch. Even straining her eyes she couldn’t make out the cavern’s walls; the flickering light from the torch never reached them. Moving slowly with their backs against one wall they finally came to another large, heavy looking door. Finding more torches in brackets near by, Conan lit them from the one he carried before they turned to examine this new door. Like the entrance to the temple this door was made of stone. It was carved with the shapes of skulls, bones and bees.

“Death signs,” Dawn whispered into Faith’s ear.

Handing his torch to Dawn, Conan examined the door, finding something he called Bombaata over to help him.

“Together!” Conan ordered as the two big men strained to lift the door.

Rolling her eyes, Faith walked briskly over to the straining men, they’d managed to open the door about six inches. Bending at the knees Faith grabbed hold of the bottom of the door with one hand and heaved. Protesting loudly the door slid open; Faith held it at about waist height and turned to Dawn.

“Go inside,” she ordered, “see if there’s a catch or something.”

Handing the torch to the wizard, Dawn ducked under the door and found herself in a largish chamber lit by the red glow of some fires at its far end. Not stopping to sightsee she quickly searched around the doorway. Very soon her search was rewarded by finding a lever connected to a series of cogs. Pushing the lever over as far as it would go, it was very stiff, but, she managed it somehow and satisfied that the door was probably locked in place, she nimbly ducked back under the door.

“Okay,” she jumped to her feet, “that should've done it, let go.”

Carefully the three warriors at the gate let go and stood back, the door remained firmly in place. Moments later the party stood inside the red tinted chamber. The light came from several fires that burnt unnaturally bright against the far wall. In the centre of the chamber stood a stand much like the one that had held the Heart of Araman in the wizard’s castle. Behind that stood what looked like a huge dragon’s head carved into the stone. Over to one side of the chamber were four panels covered in writing each with its own fire to illuminate what was written there. Dawn and Akiro gravitated towards the panels while the others moved to check out the rest of the room.

0=0=0=0

Dawn found herself standing next to the little wizard as they looked up at the panels.

“You can read this, girl?” asked the wizard.

“Some,” Dawn hefted her sword nervously in her hand and started to read.

“It is written in the Scrolls of Skellis that…” Dawn hesitated for a moment.

“…that the horn will be found…” supplied Akiro.

“…found by a woman-child.” Dawn completed the sentence before adding, “Why can't they just say 'girl'?”

“Sounds spookier,” Akiro observed before completing this part of the translation, he read the next line of hieroglyphics “A virgin who will have a mark upon her.” 

“Obviously our little princess,” smiled Dawn, “but not so much of the virgin now, eh?”

Akiro gave Dawn a quick smile before continuing, “And when the horn is placed…”

“...Once more,” Dawn picked up the translation becoming more worried as she read, “in the forehead of the…”

“Dreaming god,” Akiro sounded just as concerned as Dawn now, “Dagoth will arise…then let men fear…”

“....Death to the world,” gasped Dawn, “The woman-child will be sacrificed.”

Turning they both looked over to where Jehnna stood staring as if mesmerised at the dragon’s head.

“Hey,” Dawn spoke quietly to the wizard, “like, Faith an' me, we’ll be alright, okay? Like it said, ‘let _men_ fear’…we’ll be like totally okay, okay?”

Akiro gave Dawn a look that spoke volumes.

“Yeah, that’s what I thought,” agreed Dawn, “yikes!”

The princess was now standing in front of a stand where it was obvious the jewel was supposed to be placed.

“Ha!” Dawn exclaimed, “We’ll be okay, coz, like, she can’t touch the heart thing coz she’s not a virgin, only I…”

Dawn’s voice faded away to nothing as Jehnna put on a heavy, leather, riding gauntlet and took the jewel from the bag that Bombaata held out to her.

“Hey!” squeaked Dawn full of righteous indignation, “She can’t do that!” She nudged the wizard, “Tell her she can’t do that…it’s not right! What’s the point in staying a virgin if she can calmly just put on a glove and pick stuff up?”

Disgusted Dawn stalked off leaving the wizard to watch in fear as Jehnna placed the jewel on the stand.

0=0=0=0

Dawn was too engrossed by levering a diamond from its setting in a carving to notice how suddenly bright and then red and dark it had got in the chamber. Faith came to stand next to her.

“What the fuck’s going on?” asked the older woman.

“Oh nothing much,” Dawn looked at the diamond in the poor light for a moment; she considered swallowing it but had second thoughts, instead she tucked it inside her bra. “Silly little bitch over there,” she nodded towards Jehnna, “is going to get some sort of horn,” Dawn imagined some type of trumpet, “to raise a hell-god.”

“WHAT!?” Faith looked at Dawn aghast, “And this is ‘nothing much’?”

“Stop her!” Akiro cried as he ran across the chamber to where Conan stood.

“Be silent!” ordered the big barbarian.

Faith could start to feel the situation slip into chaos; she turned to Dawn hoping to find some clue as to what to do. On the other side of the chamber the princess stood arms outstretched chanting silently. A distant rumbling began emanating from deep in the chamber as the mouth of the dragon slowly started to open. Magical red flame sprang from the mouth of the stone monster as its jaws opened. It stopped when it was fully open and a great jet of fire blasted from the open maw of the stone beast. It almost engulfed the princess in scorching flame but stopped short of her. Standing unharmed staring into the flames as all around her everyone cowered away feeling the heat on their skin. Slowly, deliberately Jehnna advanced on the flames until she was totally surrounded by them as she daintily stepped between the dragon’s stone teeth and into the heart of the fire.

“Crumbs!” gasped Conan.

“Fuck me!” Faith exclaimed.

“Whatever,” Dawn added with a dismissive shrug.

The princess disappeared from sight into the belly of the beast, then, after only a few moments the fires died away to nothing and Jehnna reappeared holding what looked like a bejewelled cow’s horn in her hands.

“Yeah,” Dawn nodded her head knowingly, “and we all know what that’s a metaphor for.

“A meta-what?” Faith frowned, “Looks like a vibrator to me.”

“I'll explain later,” Dawn replied quietly.

“Death to the world!” Akiro cried in anguish.

“Just from a vibrator?” Faith asked Dawn sceptically.

“Yeah,” nodded Dawn shrewdly, “it’s maybe like one of those new ‘Phased oscillating vibrators in the 40-watt range’.”

“Hey, how do you know so much about…?” Faith began but was interrupted by Conan.

“Life for Valaria,” gasped Conan before Faith could finish her question.

“I read a lot,” Dawn replied implausibly.

Jehnna placed the horn into the bag that until recently had held the jewel.

“The girl’s destiny isn’t only to deliver the horn,” whispered Akiro loudly, but no one seemed to be taking his dire warnings seriously.

“It’s just writing on the wall,” Conan shrugged trying to justify his need to have Valaria back.

“She is to be killed...” added Akiro, “....sacrificed.”

“We shall see,” Conan starred across the chamber to where the girl and Bombaata stood, “Destiny or not…everybody out!”

Faith snapped back to the present from a world populated by Big Macs, chocolate shakes and enormous oscillating vibrators. What if the little wizard was right? Was a young girl’s life worth the momentary pleasure from food, drink and sex toys that would inevitably run out of battery power?

At Conan’s order Dawn started to cross the chamber towards the exit, she paused by the stand holding the Heart of Araman.

“Doesn’t anyone want this?” Dawn asked, but no one answered, “Oh well,” she sighed, “waste not, want not.”

Picking up the jewel, it was probably worth a fortune and would be very hard to steal (if you weren't a virgin or didn't have a pair of gloves, you were dead), she realised she’d nowhere to put the gem. Eventually she stuffed it with some difficulty in her bra. Thinking that a bra with secret pockets might be useful Dawn followed everyone else out of the chamber.

0=0=0=0

Retracing their steps they made their way quickly up through the temple towards the daylight. Coming out into the lower entrance chamber they found the chamber above them blocked by a phalanx of armoured warriors. Their bronze breast plates and shields shone like gold in the weak light from the doorway. The adventurers formed into a tight defensive ring as more warriors appeared from side tunnels blocking every avenue of escape!

0=0=0=0


	9. Chapter 9

9.

The silent, bronze clad, soldiers opened ranks to let a tall thin man in black robes through to stand at the front of the platform.

“Another fucking priest,” Faith cursed softly.

The priest made a triangle of his fingers and thumbs, some sort of holy sign no doubt.

“We come in peace,” he said calmly.

“Then why’d y’need all the troops?” Dawn called from the rear of the party.

“Then let us go in peace,” Conan called taking a step forward and drawing the priest’s eyes off Dawn and onto himself.

“Let the girl come forward,” the priest gestured for Jehnna to step forward, “we’ve been waiting for her all our lives.”

Without taking his eyes off the priest, Bombaata reached behind himself and put one of his great hands on Jehnna’s left breast and pushed her further behind him.

“We are the keepers of the horn,” explained the priest in his calm voice, “it belongs to…us!”

“Horn? Get it?” Dawn sniggered quietly as she nudged Faith.

“No longer,” Conan pointed out.

“Who are you?” the priest’s voice had dropped to a menacing whisper.

“Don’t tell him, Conan!” Dawn looked around embarrassed by her outburst, “Ooops, sorry.”

“I have heard of you,” the priest’s voice was back to its annoying calm level once more.

Next Akiro stepped forward and bowed to the priest who bowed back.

“You know the legend written on the wall of the crypt?” Akiro asked.

“From the day of my birth,” lied the priest.

“Then you know what will happen,” Akiro continued, “If the horn is placed in the forehead of Dagoth?”

“I wish they'd stop calling it 'the horn',” Dawn sniggered quietly.  
“The god will live again,” a rapt look came into the priest’s eyes, “and we who give him life will stand at his right hand and rule the world with him.”

“Oh my god!” exclaimed Dawn loudly, “Don’t you people have any sense? You’re all gonna die! Gods are like really ungrateful like that.”

“The girl is right,” Akiro looked momentarily at Dawn then back at the priest, “you will die in the great evil that will come with his rebirth. How is it that a mere dancing girl can see this and you cannot?”

“Hey, less of the ‘mere’,” Dawn muttered darkly.

“We will control him,” replied the priest in his maddeningly calm voice.

“No one can control a god,” Akiro pointed out, “his power and evil are too great!”

A large, bronze armoured soldier with a tall plumb in his helmet pushed the priest to one side.

“Give us the girl or we’ll take her,” ordered the soldier, “there has been enough talk!”

Once again Bombaata pushed on Jehnna’s breast to get her further behind him.

“Yes!” agreed Conan pulling his sword and knife, “Enough talk!”

0=0=0=0

This was the life, thought Faith as she hurled a bronze clad soldier head first into the tunnel wall. The man hit making a sound like a pile of old pots and pans being dropped onto the stone floor. He staggered for a moment stunned so he didn’t stand a chance of defending himself when Dawn stepped in and slid her slim bladed sword up under his breast plate and into his chest. Coughing blood the soldier crumpled to the floor like a puppet that’d had its strings cut. Slapping away the blade of her next opponent’s sword, Faith lashed out with a kick. Her foot connected with the man’s knee, she felt the bone shatter under her boot as he went down screaming in agony. Dawn darted between Faith and her downed adversary and ran the edge of her sword across the man’s throat cutting off his cries of pain in a spray of warm blood.

“DAWN, BACK!” Faith yelled as she shoulder barged another soldier, her blade slipping up under his breastplate, its tip grating against the man’s backbone as he fell.

Taking a step back, Faith spent a couple of seconds analysing the fight. So far Conan, Bombaata and herself had got the upper hand. This was mainly because the guards hadn’t expected them to attack as they were so heavily outnumbered. Conan was merrily lopping off arms, legs and heads. Bombaata was crushing skulls with his great mace. Akiro was even joining in using a discarded sword while Dawn danced in to finish off Faith’s leftovers. The princess, as usual, was screaming and calling for Bombaata.

Catching a sword thrust aimed at her head, Faith parried and counter attacked; her own blade punched through the eye-holes of the man’s helmet and he went down clutching at his bloody face with claw like hands. Out of the corner of her eye, Faith noticed Dawn dodge a clumsily aimed blow at her head. Dancing lightly to one side the cut missed her head unbalancing her attacker. As quick as lightning Dawn went into the attack and hamstrung her adversary, the man cried out clutching at his bloody leg. Pulling back her sword arm, Dawn timed her thrust perfectly and buried the first six inches of her blade in the man’s throat. Faith smiled like any good teacher does when she sees her pupil succeed. However, these were all easy victories; more and more soldiers were making their way down the stairs to the lower chamber. They were getting organised and soon they’d be in a position to overwhelm the three warriors by numbers alone.

“GET BACK TO DER CRYPT!” Conan yelled half a second before Faith was about to give the same order.

“DAWN!” Faith glanced over to the girl to see her exchanging sword thrusts with one of the temple guards, “Fall back!” Faith stepped over and thrust her sword into Dawn’s opponent’s side, the man groaned as he collapsed onto the floor, “Find the princess and shut her up…it’s your job to guard her.”

Nodding in the affirmative, Dawn knew not to question Faith’s orders during a battle…that could wait for later. Back peddling down the corridor until she was standing next to the princess, Dawn turned and grabbed the princess by the collar of her tunic and waved her bloody sword under her nose.

“How many times do I have to tell you?” she snapped, “Shut the fuck up!” The princess looked at Dawn with round, terror filled eyes, her mouth open in mid-scream but no sound coming out, “Better,” Dawn announced as she dragged the girl into the darkness of the corridor.

0=0=0=0

Bombaata, Conan and Faith blocked the corridor preventing the temple guards from capturing the princess. The passageway was just wide enough for five guards to attack them at once. This meant they had no chance of breaking through, the three warriors met each attack and defeated it easily. After every little battle the fearsome three would retreat a dozen yards or so then turn to face their pursuers once again. Faith wondered if the enemy would think of using spears or worse yet bows and arrows. They had no missile weapons themselves and no shields, they would be sitting ducks; even a slayer wouldn’t be able to dodge every arrow aimed at her.

Eventually they found themselves at the top of the long flight of stairs leading down to the crypt itself. Looking over her shoulder, Faith saw that Dawn, Akiro and the princess had already made it to the bottom of the steps and had relit the torches. Turning to look back down the corridor again Faith saw the temple guards were just coming around the last corner. They’d be on them before they’d even got half way down the stairs.

“Look,” Faith tightened her grip on her sword, “you to go down to the crypt, I’ll hold them here until you get to the bottom.”

“You sure?” Conan asked; Bombaata was already on his way down.

“Yeah,” Faith grinned, “but be ready when I get down there!”

Nodding his head, Conan started down the stairs after Bombaata. Faith raised her sword and giving a yell rushed at the pursuing guards. Sweeping her sword around in a wide arc, Faith knocked the first two men off their feet. They sprawled on the floor hindering the men following them and allowing Faith to kill three of them in as many seconds. The bodies started to pile up making a parapet that the attacking guards had to stumble over before they could get at her as she retreated slowly towards the steps.

Her sword sang as it rang on Faith's opponent’s armour, she darted in and out leaving a trail of death and blood behind her never staying still long enough for the guards to aim a solid blow at her, but still they came on. Taking a second to gauge the distance to the top step, Faith counter-attacked sending the guards reeling back in a welter of blood and severed limbs. Having made a little rest-bite for herself, she turned and ran for the steps and jumped.

Her feet hardly touched the stone steps as Faith leapt from one to another and going down the long flight of steps in three easy jumps. Stumbling to a halt at the bottom she was held up by Conan how pushed her to the rear as the first of the guards made it down the stairs and started to fight Conan and Bombaata. Here the chamber was much larger and the guards could use their numbers more effectively; often jumping off the steps to come in from the flank of their comrades and push the defenders back.

A wild melee developed as each of the warriors tried to fight off half a dozen guards each. Faith slaughtered her adversaries quickly and efficiently. Stepping towards the half open door to the inner sanctum she called to Conan and Bombaata to break off and escape. The two men slid under the door and Faith stood alone for a moment facing the guards. A man rushed at her; parrying his clumsy attack her sword punched through his breastplate and he coughed blood over her face and breasts. With a snarl, Faith yanked her blade free, dropped to her belly and rolled under the door before any of the other guards could strike at her. Dawn waited by the door lock, as soon as she saw Faith was clear she hit the lever and the door rumbled shut.

“Trapped!” Conan gasped as he helped Faith to her feet.

“There must be a way out,” Bombaata started to search the walls for secret passageways.

“Why?” Dawn asked reasonably, “This is like, a tomb, y’think the corpses might get bored and wanna go out?”

Bombaata and Dawn shared daggers looks for a moment.

“Umm, excuse me,” Princess Jehnna called meekly, “When I was in the dragon’s head thing, I thought I saw what looked like a passage at the back.”

Everyone turned to look at Jehnna in surprise.

“What?” cried the girl, “I can’t know things? I’ve had a lot of time to read you know, what with not having any boyfriends or being allowed to go out by myself”

Just then the main door started to rumble open.

0=0=0=0

“Quick!” Conan turned towards the dragon’s head, “Inside!”

They just made it into the statue as the outer door rumbled open again, Dawn hit a lever and the jaws of the dragon started to shut. The guards made futile attempts to stab at the escapees before the dragon closed its stone lips tight. Faith was vaguely aware of Bombaata and Jehnna disappearing down a narrow passage at the back of the dragon’s mouth. However, she was more concerned with the fact that the mouth was opening again.

“How the fuck are they doing that?” Dawn demanded of her companions.

Getting down on her hands and knees, Dawn looked through the slowly widening gap between the floor and the dragon's jaw.

“It’s the priest,” she cried, “he must be a wizard!”

“Kill him!” Faith demanded.

“What with?” Dawn held up empty hands, “I’ve nothing to throw!”

“Let me,” Akiro stepped forward, “there is more than one way to deal with a wizard.”

The little wizard settled himself comfortably on the floor as Dawn scrambled out of the way. He started to make strange mystical signs with his arms and odd constipated noises came from his lips. The jaws started to close again, but just as Akiro thought he’d won his magical struggle the jaws started to open once more.

0=0=0=0

Bombaata placed one of his huge hands on the princess' butt and pushed her ahead of him down the narrow, rough passage. He turned to look behind him, no one was following just yet.

“Where are the others?” Jehnna wanted to know.

“They will follow,” Bombaata replied attempting to reassure the princess.

“Oh, Bombaata!” Jehnna gasped as she stepped up to the big man and threw her arms around his waist, “I love you, the way you keep saving my life,” she looked up into the warrior's eyes, “I promise that once I'm queen I'll reward you...” the girl giggled, “...at least three or four times a day!”

Bending down Bombaata took Jehnna in his great arms and kissed her on the lips before turning her around and once again placing his hand on her butt before pushing her further along the passage. Listening to the girl scrabble along the passage, Bombaata stood in thought for a moment; what if the others couldn’t hold the guards back? What if they ended up chasing himself and the princess out in the open? It would only be a matter of time before they were caught. His only loyalty was to the princess, he had to get her back to the city, depose the Queen and destroy the god. So what if a couple of barbarians, a trickster and a whore were killed in the process? Without a second thought he struck the roof of passageway with his mighty mace. Rock and earth tumbled into the passage quickly blocking it, satisfied with his work, Bombaata turned and followed the princess.

0=0=0=0

The temple wizard stumbled back clutching at the stone dragon’s tooth that protruded from his chest. The jaws slammed closed for the last time before any of the guards could react.

“Great throw, Faith,” Dawn bounced over and gave her friend a congratulatory hug.

“Nien time for that,” Conan started to move towards the back of the mouth, “ve better catch up vith der uthers.

Dawn helped the near exhausted wizard, while Faith brought up the rear, she’d be glad when they were out of this gloomy place.

0=0=0=0

The sun had already started to set by the time they finally dug themselves out of the tunnel. By chance they appeared on the surface exactly where they had left their horses; the first piece of really good luck they’d had all day.

“Their horses have gone,” Conan observed after slowly counting the horses.

“Nice of them to leave ours,” Faith walked over to her horse and started to check its harness.

“Probably didn’t think we’d make it out alive,” Dawn pointed out as she took a drink from a water skin.

“We must stop them,” the little wizard was almost back to his normal self after his magical fight with the temple wizard.

“Why?” Conan demanded, “They left us here to die, let them go to hell!”

“If anyone places the horn in the forehead of the dreaming god,” Akiro started to explain.

“Yeah,” Dawn climbed up on her horse, “like, darkness over the land, same old same old, heard it all before.”

“Sounds like something we should stop,” Faith pointed out mounting her own horse.

“OH!” Dawn cried, “Yeah, like sure, I’m not arguing,” turning her horse’s head towards Arymlap she grinned broadly, “and apart from anything else we left all our stuff in the palace strong room.”

“Didn’t you,” Faith whispered and nodded at Dawn’s breasts.

“Yeah I did,” she replied referring to the jewels she had hidden in her bra, “but like I say, a girl can never have too many diamonds!”

0=0=0=0


	10. Chapter 10

10.

The Princess and Bombaata rode through the gates of Arymlap; as they made their way through the town, people turned out to line the streets to cheer their return.

“When we get to the palace,” Bombaata leaned over to whisper in Jehnna’s ear, “we must find the queen and kill her!”

“Of course,” Jehnna agreed eagerly, “there’s really no other way.”

Jehnna returned the look of surprise that Bombaata gave her.

“Agreed!” he nodded.

“Yes,” Jehnna nodded her head, “although, she is my aunt and brought me up from when I was little, she wants to sacrifice me to this god, and even though she bought me all those ponies when I was younger...she has to die!”

“Of course,” agreed Bombaata, “I’ll not spare her life.”

“What about the guards?” Jehnna waved to some children in the crowd, always good for public relations; she wanted to be known as the ‘Caring Queen’. “Surely they’ll notice when you kill the Queen.”

“Don’t worry,” Bombaata smiled, they were nearly at the palace gate now, “some are loyal to you, the others I have bribed.”

Riding into the main court yard, Jehnna looked around to see nothing out of place. Her aunt obviously expected nothing; only the usual number of guards were visible. The priests stood huddled around their stone tablets and the peacocks still strutted around getting in everyone’s way. When she was Queen the peacocks were 'outta here'; they made a terrible noise and crapped everywhere; she was going to do something about the priests too, give them new robes in nice pastel colours. Coming to a halt at the bottom of the main stairway Jehnna looked up to see her aunt standing at the top of the stairs. Jehnna sighed; she’d loved her aunt but despaired at her fashion sense, she insisted on wearing things that were a little ‘young’ for her. Jehnna suspected that her aunt was one of those women who would never grow old gracefully. In a way it was probably just as well she was going to die any moment now.

“Have you got the treasure?” Queen Taramis called as she started down the stairs.

“Yes!” Jehnna called as she held up the horn; or the be-jewelled vibrator as Faith had called it…Jehnna thought she really should find out what these ‘vibrator’ things were.

“Good,” smiled the Queen as she stopped a few yards short of her niece, “GUARDS!” 

At the Queen's cry guards appeared from out of every nook and cranny, Jehnna and Bombaata soon found themselves surrounded, resistance would have been futile.

“HA!” laughed the queen, “Did you really think your little plan would work?”

“But the guards!?” Jehnna looked from her aunt to Bombaata.

“Easily bribed back to their true allegiance,” sneered the queen, “and those who could not be bought found themselves guarding the northern borders!”

“DAMN YOU TARAMIS!” for a moment it looked like Bombaata would try and kill the queen there and then, but rank after rank of spear points dissuaded him.

“Take that one to the dungeons,” the queen pointed to Bombaata.

Guards rushed forward and dragged the big man from his horse; quickly they disarmed him and dragged him towards the palace dungeons.

“Take her and prepare her for the ceremony,” the queen waved forward a gang of burly looking maids who pulled Jehnna from her horse.

“BOMBAATA!” cried Jehnna as the maids dragged her up the stairs towards her apartments.

0=0=0=0

Our heroes arrived outside Arymlap just as the sun was setting and the gates were being closed.

“Odd isn’t it,” Dawn observed, “than it always seems to take less time to get back from somewhere than to get there in the first place.”

“One thing's for sure,” Faith tried to ease her sore inner thighs for a moment; she didn’t care what anybody said about traditional clothes, she was going to buy a pair of trousers first chance she got. “We’re not gonna get in there tonight.”

“Oh come on!” Conan laughed as he looked around at his comrades, “Places like these always have der secret entrance.” Everyone looked at him blankly. “Vot?” he asked incredulously, “Are you telling me that no one here has been held in der dungeons and found a secret way out?” 

“No,” Akiro shook his head.

“Not me,” Dawn studied her nails and decided they needed a lot of work done on them before she went back to dancing.

“Take more than this dead and alive hole to hold me,” Faith laughed.

“Fuck,” Conan sighe, “Oh vell, it can’t be helped,” he looked at his friends and smiled, “beer anyone?”

They turned towards a tavern situated just outside the city, it catered to parties who’d arrived after the city gates had closed.

“What about the princess?” Akiro demanded.

“Oh, she’ll wait,” Dawn pointed out.

“Not like she’s going anywhere,” shrugged Faith.

0=0=0=0

**The Next Morning**

“So, it’s the old ‘washer woman’ disguise is it?” Dawn picked at the old, damp dress she wore with ill concealed disgust, “You really think this’ll work?”

Everyone turned to look at Conan; he had to be the biggest most muscular looking washer woman ever.

“Yeah, well, maybe the guards won’t look too closely,” Faith shrugged her shoulders before picking up her laundry basket, “come on, let’s go.”

They had woken just before dawn and had stood for a while wondering how they would get into the city. Just at that moment the gods seemed to smile on them. Half a dozen washer women started to make their way from the nearby river towards the city gate. There was a quick discussion, a plan was formed and soon there was six naked and unconscious washer women lying bleeding on the stony ground.

As our heroes approached the gate they pushed Dawn to the front of the group, she would talk the guards into letting them in. After all she was the one that looked least like a small oriental wizard, a large heavily muscled warrior or a beautiful but lethal female killer. Dawn knocked on the door.

“Hi!” she smiled brightly at the pair of suspicious eyes that appeared from behind a small hatch in the gate.

“Who goes there?” demanded the eyes.

“Um,” Dawn looked around at her friends seeking inspiration, realising she was on her own she went for the obvious, “Um, the, like, washer women?”

“Who’s washer women?” the eyes narrowed as they studied her.

“Oh, er, like, Q-Queen Taramis’ washer women?” Oh god this was going to turn to crap any minute, thought Dawn, they’d all die and…

“Pass, Queen Taramis’ washer women!” the eyes disappeared, the hatch was shut; there was the sound of locks being unlocked and bolts being drawn.

A small door in the gate was opened and they were ushered into the city.

0=0=0=0

At that very moment the thing furthest from Queen Taramis’ mind was the fate of her laundry; she stood on the marble steps in front of her throne mixing a potion into a large glass of wine. Looking up at the sound of the great doors to the throne room being opened, she saw Princess Jehnna standing surrounded by the her toughest maids. They bundled the girl forward and stood her before the queen. Looking down at the girl, Taramis wondered who had chosen the princess’ outfit. The dress was very revealing and made the girl’s boobs look bigger than they were. If it wasn’t for the fact that Jehnna would be a lifeless corpse by the end of the day the queen would have some hard questions for the head maid.

“Here,” the queen handed Jehnna the goblet of drugged wine, she smiled insincerely, “it’s your sixteen birthday, all Arymlap is celebrating...drink.”

Hesitantly Jehnna sipped at the wine.

“All of it,” the queen’s voice was full of warning.

After draining the glass Jehnna swayed a little and giggled, she wasn’t used to strong drink.

“Take her!” ordered the Queen.

The muscular maids rushed forward and grabbed hold of the princess’ arms.

“Take her to the court yard,” ordered the queen, “the ceremony is about to begin.”

0=0=0=0

Entering the palace by the door to the kitchen, our heroes discarded their disguises and drew their weapons. Unfortunately the kitchen staff noticed that the four washer women had turned into four mismatched assassins, being loyal servants of the queen they tried to raise the alarm.

After a short, bloody and most of all one-sided struggle the party moved on; dinner would be late today. They moved through the lower corridors of the palace complex pausing only to slit the throats of unsuspecting guards who weren’t expecting to be attacked in their own quarters.

“By the gods!”

Turning at the shout they saw Bombaata chained to the wall of the stable they were at present passing through.

“Bong-boomer!” snarled Dawn pulling her knife and advancing on the helpless man, “You, like, left us to die in that crypt place! Why shouldn’t I just like, cut your throat much?”

“I had to do what was best for the princess,” pleaded the big warrior, “and you’ll never find her in time to stop the ceremony without me.”

“Sounds reasonable to me,” Conan shrugged.

“He’s probably not wrong,” agreed the wizard, “this place is like a maze.”

“Hey!” Faith stepped up behind Dawn and took hold of her knife hand, “it’s my job to cut throats…you do the sexy dancing stuff, remember?”

“Yeah, sorry,” chastened Dawn put away her knife.

0=0=0=0

Up in the main court yard Princess Jehnna swayed gently between two tough looking maids and giggled, she tried to slap the High Priest on the shoulder but the maids grabbed her before she could make contact.

“Y-you’re m-my best friend!” Jehnna giggled drunkenly at the priest, “Y’know that?”

Queen Taramis eyed her niece and wondered if she’d overdone it with the potion or the wine. The High Priest walked over to the Queen and leant towards her so they could talk privately.

“All is ready, your majesty,” he gestured to the statue of Dagoth, the Dreaming God that lay before them.

“Don’t forget,” whispered the queen, “as soon as the god shows the first sign of life, kill the girl.”

“NO!” Hic-cupped Jehnna, “No, no, no,” she shook her head and wagged her finger as she frowned drunkenly up at her aunt, “you don’t want to stab poor little ol' Jehnna…do you? Hmm?” Jehnna rested her head on the shoulder of one of her guards and yawned, “It-it’d be sooo baaaaad!” She turned to glare at the statue of Dagoth. “Naughty god!” she snapped before squirming a little and turning to one of her keepers, “I really need to pee, y’know?”

“Enough!” cried the queen, “Let the ceremony begin!”

At a signal from the High Priest an orchestra started to play a pretty but repetitive tune and he began to chant.

“Oh Dagoth!” he raised his arms to the sky, “God of gods!”

0=0=0=0

“Good,” Faith looked through the curtain that covered the balcony above the main courtyard, “they’ve only just started by the looks of things.”

“We must rescue the princess,” Bombaata fingered the hilt of the long sword that he’d taken from the body of a slaughtered guard.

Akiro stepped forward and peeped through the gap in the curtain.

“They will come to the part where the princess must die very soon,” he said knowingly, “we must move quickly!”

“Oh nien!” Conan said slowly, his eye to a small tear in the curtain, “This looks bad!”

Everybody turned to look down into the courtyard.

0=0=0=0

Smiling Queen Taramis congratulated herself on how well everything was going…the music was a bit naff but otherwise everything was going as planned. The High Priest had remembered all his lines, her niece swayed drunkenly as the maids pushed her forward and then down onto her knees before the statue of the god. With a feeling of growing anticipation the queen turned and took the horn (for a moment she looked at it closely; yes, the scrolls were right, it did look a little like a vibrator) from the cushion held by an attendant. Reverently she carried it towards the god and placed it in the socket in the god’s forehead. As she stood back she clapped her hands in joy, soon everything she’d ever wanted would be hers!

Standing over the girl the High Priest took the sacrificial knife from one of his acolytes and raised it ready to strike. He watched the god waiting for the first sign of life that would signal his awakening. The music droned on as the chanting got louder, any moment now…

There was a crash of thunder from a clear blue sky and the High Priest checked his grip on the knife. He was just about to bring it slashing down on the girl’s throat when he noticed the spear sticking out of his chest for the first, and sadly, last time. His eyes rolled up into his head as he dropped the knife and sank to his knees.

“Oh!” he croaked as he toppled over to fall lifelessly at the queen’s feet.

“FUCK!” swore the queen.

Looking up from where the priest lay she saw the forever cursed barbarians climb down from the balcony where they’d been hidden.

“KILL THEM!” the queen pointed as she screeched at her guards.

After a few seconds confusion the guards moved to surround the invaders. Meanwhile the queen stooped to pick up the sacrificial knife. Pulling her niece’s head back to expose her throat the queen froze as Jehnna laughed in her face.

“W-won’t do you any good aunty,” she smiled drunkenly, “Sooooo not a virgin!”

“WHAT!?” the queen stood knife held high ready to strike, “But-but how? I-I kept all men away from you except…”

“Ooooh!” giggled Jehnna looking like a very naughty girl, “Oh Bombaata, you’re soooooo big!”

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” screamed the queen.

“Aunty needs a virgin! Auntie needs a virgin!” chanted Jehnna before collapsing onto the floor.

“SLUT!” snarled Queen Taramis.

Damn it all; Taramis thought quickly, where was she going to find a virgin at this time of day and in the next five minutes; she glanced at the god, he was starting to look around and take an interest. If he wasn’t bound soon the shit would really hit the punka; why was there never a virgin around when you needed one?

“I don’t suppose you know of any virgins?” the queen asked her niece.

“As it happens,” Jehnna hic-cupped and started to look a little ill, “I do…aunty I don’t feel well,” she moaned clutching her tummy.

“WHO?” demanded the queen urgently.

“Dawn…” moaned Jehnna, curling into a ball she stuck her thumb in her mouth and fell asleep, drink and drugs just don’t mix.

Looking up the queen stared disbelievingly at the dancer as she and her friends cut their way towards her. The slut was still a virgin? What was the world coming to when a seventeen year old exotic dancer was still a virgin? Must be a religious thing; whatever, the queen pointed at Dawn and drew in a deep breath.

“A THOUSAND GOLD CROWNS TO THE MAN THAT BRINGS ME THAT VIRGIN!” she yelled.

For just a moment the sounds of battle faded to nothing as everyone took on board what the queen had just said. Then there was a great roar as the guards surged forward to gain their prize.

0=0=0=0

“Fuck!” cursed Faith as she hacked down yet another opponent.

The guards were slowly forcing them back, if she didn’t think of something soon they’d all end up dead and Dawn would be sacrificed and Buffy would never forgive her. Absently she disembowelled a couple of guards who had got too close to Dawn. Having made a small space for herself she looked around for somewhere they could make a stand.

“THERE!” Faith called to her friends; she pointed to what looked like a corridor, “Down there! They’ll only be able to attack us a few at a time.”

Forming a triangle around Dawn; Faith, Conan and Bombaata shepherded the only virgin in the room towards what they hoped was safety. Fresh waves of guards broke against there blades as they stumbled into the corridor.

“Gods damn-it!” Faith snarled as she looked around quickly.

What she’d thought was a corridor leading to safety was in fact some sort of alcove with a statue at the far end. Turning back to face their attackers she helped send another dozen or so of the queen’s finest to hell. The guards backed off to get themselves organised for their next attack.

“Ve gotta get out of here!” Conan stated the obvious, “Ve’re trapped!”

“Shut up!” Faith turned on the big barbarian, “I’m trying to think.”

“W-what are we going to do, Faith?” Dawn looked scared she didn’t want to be sacrificed; been there done that, she hadn’t enjoyed it the first time ‘round. It was starting to look like a pattern was forming in her life; everyone wanted to sacrifice poor little Dawnie.

Looking into Dawn’s tear filled eyes a plan slowly formed in Faith’s mind…what if there wasn’t a virgin any more? It would at least get the guards off their backs. But who…

“Conan!” Faith had made her decision, “Take Dawn down to the end of the corridor and screw her!”

“WHAT!” screamed Dawn.

“VOT!” screamed Conan followed a moment later by a shrug, “Yeah, okay.”

“Look, Dawn,” Faith half turned to face Dawn, “if ya not a virgin the guards’ll have no reason to attack so bad. When they see the monster they’ll probably run away and we can do our thing.”

“But, couldn’t I,” asked Dawn desperately, “just, like, stick something in and…”

“No,” rumbled Bombaata, “Jehnna and I thought of that,” he pointed out, “it has to be the real deal!”

“Come on,” Conan took Dawn by the wrist and pulled her down towards the far end of the corridor.

“FAAAAITH!” squeaked Dawn.

“Hey,” Faith shrugged remembering her own first time, “it’s not that bad,” she glanced at Conan and smiled, “don’t worry you’ll just feel a little prick and it’ll all be over!”

Turning back to watch the guards, Faith heard the sound of a pair of chain-mail panties hitting the marble floor followed by a squeak from Dawn and a minute later Conan tapped her on the shoulder.

“Finished!” he announced proudly.

“That was quick!” Faith frowned at the big barbarian, “You sure you did it properly?”

For a moment she considered sending him back to make sure he’d done the job properly.

“Of course,” the barbarian looked slightly hurt, “unt that vas der personal best time as vell!”

“Yeah, I can believe that,” Faith turned to look at the guards, “HEY GUYS!” she yelled, “No virgins in here!”

0=0=0=0

“What’s going on?” demanded Queen Taramis.

Taramis was starting to get worried, the sky had filled with ominous black clouds and thunder boomed almost continuously. The god was moving about quite freely now any moment now he’d break free of the plinth on which he lay and it would be too late to control him even if she sacrificed twenty virgins.

“My Queen!” a sergeant ran up to her, “They’ve fucked the virgin and we’re screwed! I’m outta here!”

He ran off leaving the queen to face the god by herself.

“Damn-it, damn-it, damn-it!” cursed the queen as the god climbed down from his plinth, “Just one little oversight and everything’s buggered to hell and back.”

The god towered over the queen, instead of the beautiful young man with the horn in his forehead as depicted in the statue. There now stood a hideous green monster with great clawed hands and webbed feet. Its skin dripped green slime as it raised its great, heavily muscled arms to the sky and roared its joy at being free once more.

“And you can just shut up!” the queen turned to look at the monster as it loomed over her. “For want of a virgin the kingdom was lost,” muttered the queen, “maybe I should make a law…”

Queen Taramis gasped in surprise and pain as the god thrust his horn into her chest; her last thought was that she wished she’d worn clean underwear today.

0=0=0=0

“Okay,” Faith looked up at the monster, “how do we kill it?”

“I’m sooo telling Buffy about this when we get home,” Dawn glared angrily at Faith, “that was like, totally no fun!”

“Yeah, right,” Faith made calming motions at Dawn, “Someone tell me how to kill that fucker!”

“The horn,” Akiro appeared next to Faith.

“Vere haf you been?” demanded Conan.

“There were some handmaidens that needed rescuing,” replied the little wizard defensively.

“Yeah, okay, later right?” Faith was slowly losing her temper, “What about the horn?”

“Its life is in its horn,” explained the wizard, “pull it out and it’ll die.”

“Okay,” Faith gripped her sword more firmly, “I’m going in, watch my back!”

0=0=0=0

Dodging through the crowds of fleeing guards and handmaidens, Faith made her way over to where the god-monster stood and roared. Just going up to the beast and yanking out its horn wasn’t an option. The thing must have been twelve feet tall; Faith decided she needed to cut it down to size.

Rolling under the clumsy swipe of a claw tipped arm, Faith bounced back to her feet and hacked at the tendons behind the creature’s knee. It roared in pain as its leg gave way and it fell onto its knees. Faith danced out of the way of the monster's ungainly attempts at trying to hit her; she caught the creature across the wrist as it swiped at her head. Black blood squirted everywhere and Faith slipped, momentarily losing her balance. Seeing an opening the god grabbed at the annoying human that danced around him, his clawed hand smashed the marble flagstones to splitters as he missed once more. Scrambling back to her feet, Faith attacked again and again, wearing the god down until she was within reach of the monsters horn.

Casting her sword aside she leapt at the god, grabbing its horn in both hands she twisted it back and forth. The god screamed in pain as it wrapped its great arms around Faith's body as it tried to crush the life out of her. Feeling her ribs bend and strain against the power of the god, Faith pulled and twisted at the horn. Eventually as her world started to turn black around the edges, she heard a tearing sound as the horn started to come loose in her hand. The god screamed in pain and clutched at its head in agony as it let go of Faith. Taking in great lungfuls of air, she felt renewed strength race through her body as the oxygen got to her tired muscles. The horn came away in her hands as the god's black blood fountained into the air before splattering onto the ground and all over her body. It writhed on the floor as its life slowly ebbed away and Faith stumbled away from the dying thing its horn still clutched in her hand.

Through blood and sweat blurred eyes Faith caught sight of Dawn running up behind the dying god, sword in hand and thrust her blade into the base of the god’s skull where it joined the neck. Dagoth gave one last convulsive breath before lying still and silent.

“I’m still telling,” Dawn sulked as she wiped her sword free of blood.

0=0=0=0

**EPILOGUE.**

**Two Weeks Later.**

The palace had been cleaned up and the body of the god Dagoth burnt. The body of Queen Taramis had been buried in a ceremony befitting a queen. As Queen Jehnna had said, apart from the whole sacrifice thing, Taramis had cared for her from when she was a child so it was only right and proper that she be buried with honour. There had been a coronation, where Princess Jehnna had become Queen Jehnna and Bombaata had become her Prince Regent, in Arymlap the power was always held in the queen’s hands. Dawn had started to talk to Faith again and everything began to go back to normal. Conan spent most of his time in the wine cellar and Akiro spent his days chasing the Queen’s handmaiden’s when he wasn’t teaching her philosophy.

However, after two weeks both Faith and Dawn had grown restless and bored; as Dawn said there were only so many pairs of new shoes in the kingdom and she’d tried most of them on. So one morning they went to see the queen to tell her they were leaving.

0=0=0=0

“Oh, hello you two,” Queen Jehnna looked up from her parchment strewn desk, her fingers were stained with ink, “sorry I’ve not been a very good host I’ve been so busy…you wouldn’t believe what a mess my Aunt left the kingdom in…”

Faith and Dawn shared a look and shrugged.

“…you wouldn’t believe it!” repeated the queen, “You know we haven’t even got an army!? How am I supposed to make Arymlap the pre-eminent trading city in the east if I can’t guarantee the safety of traders crossing the Kingdom? Then there’s the tariffs and taxes and a hundred things that I’m sure you don’t want to hear about.” The queen smiled at the two barbarians, “I expect you want to leave…go your own way?”

“Um, yes please your queeniness,” Dawn did a little curtsy and frowned at Faith when she didn’t follow suit, “if we could just have the stuff back we arrived with?”

“Ah,” the queen frowned, “sorry I can’t allow that…”

“WHAT!?” Faith and Dawn cried together.

“…you see,” continued the queen hardly missing a beat, “I believe those goods were the proceeds of an illegal act and as such should be returned to the rightful owner or the Queen’s exchequer…that’s me!”

“But…” protested Dawn.

“Bitch!” Faith started to draw her sword; she stopped when the hidden archers stepped from behind pillars and curtains; arrows already notched on their strings.

“However,” continued the queen as if nothing had happened, “it can’t be said that I’m ungrateful. There will be fresh horses in the courtyard along with packhorses, supplies and a small consideration for your trouble.”

“But…” Dawn tried again but was silenced by a look from the queen and the sound of the archer’s strings straining against their bows.

“You do realise that I can throw you both in jail, don’t you?” The queen had lost her smile now, this was a new sterner Jehnna, “You’re thieves and worse, but I’ve decided to overlook that…for now.” The silence that6followed her words stretched for a moment or two. “If there’s nothing else?” Queen Jehnna bent back to her work, “I want to finish this by the time Bombaata gets home, one of the more pleasant things about being queen, you know? So if we’re finished…?”The queen paused, and when no one said anything she continued, “It just leaves me to say thank-you and hopefully, goodbye forever,” the queen’s quill scratched away at a document, “Don’t let me keep you, one of my chamberlains will show you out.”

0=0=0=0

**The road west out of Arymlap**

“Bitch!” snarled Faith, she sighed and turned in her saddle to look at Dawn, “Well, what have we got?”

“Food, some good clothes, couple of good swords, the horses and tack of course,” Dawn ticked off the items on her fingers, “and a couple of purses of gold.”

“How much?” at least Faith had got a pair of trousers now, no more saddle sores for her.

“Nowhere near as much as those jewels of ours were worth, but…” Dawn grinned at her friend.

“But what?” Faith asked sensing that Dawn was about to pull a rabbit from her hat.

“I’ve still got that Heart thing,” she held up the huge diamond and didn’t explode, “worth a fortune.”

“You think it’s safe?” Faith eyed the stone warily.

“Well, if it isn’t,” Dawn tucked the diamond back into a safe place, “we just make sure we get the money first…with luck we can sell it over and over again!”

The two young women laughed as they rode away into the future leaving Arymlap, Queen Jehnna and the dreaming god far behind them.

0=0=0=0

_And so it was that Faith realised she would never see a Big Mac and Chocolate shake again. At length our heroes sort adventure in distant lands and trod the jewelled thrones of the earth beneath there sandalled feet. Until, at last, they found their own kingdom and wore their crowns upon troubled brows…_

_…but that, as they say, is another story!_

0=0=0=0


	11. Chapter 11

Part Two.  
Stop All The Dancing.

Even before he’d died, Raka hadn’t been much of a success in life; his sandal making business had never really got off the ground. The girl his mother had chosen for him to marry had taken a lover only a couple of days after the ceremony. In fact as far as Raka could see life really couldn’t get very much worse…and then, of course, he'd died.

Death turned out to be a big turning point in his life, suddenly Raka found that people listened to what he had to say, but not for long of course. Any conversation he had after his death tended to end abruptly with a lot of screaming and blood staining the walls and floors. Being a stickler for tradition he’d killed his wife, her lover and his mother. Then he killed the leather merchant who he’d always suspected had overcharged him for raw materials.

Yes, thought Raka, death had certainly been a step up in the scheme of things. He was strong, people feared him and finding a meal was simplicity itself. Alright, only being able to go out at night was a bit of a drag, at first, but he’d soon become accustomed to life in the dark. Haafi, being a major seaport, had many places of entertainment in which he could while away the long hours until dawn.

Although Raka was content with his new un-life he still craved love and companionship. He’d tried keeping a couple of young women but he could tell they didn’t really like him; they only pretended to like him so he wouldn’t eat them. These relationships tended to end, once again, in a lot of screaming and blood squirting across the walls. Also, after a while any woman he took simply grew old and ugly and had to be killed. No, he needed a female version of himself to share his un-life with. Someone who wouldn’t grow old, someone who was physically capable of surviving his rather extreme sexual tastes without dying of her wounds; in short he needed a female vampire.

Luckily he’d seen just the girl only a couple of weeks earlier and he’d been watching her ever since; she was a barbarian dancing girl who worked the wine shops around Bleaker Street. This girl wasn’t just some whore who danced to attract customers; no this girl was an artist, the sort of girl who could set a room afire with her dancing and leave her audience gasping for breath at the end of her performance. 

As far as Raka could tell she never ‘entertained’ any of her audience after a show. In fact those who made the mistake of assuming that a few coins could buy her affections soon came into conflict with the dancing girl’s companion. The dark haired warrioress dealt with each advance or overexcited patron in the same way; she threw them out into the street…usually through a wall. Tonight would be the night, Raka had decided, tonight he would kidnap the girl and turn her into an immortal…maybe he’d turn the warrioress too.

0=0=0=0

Standing in an alleyway just off Bleaker Street, Dawn and Faith looked up at the sign that hung over the door of the wine shop.

“The sign of the Rampant Stallion,” Dawn gazed up at the gaudily painted sign, “like gross!” The sign didn’t leave much to the imagination.

“You sure you wanna go in there?” Faith rested her hand on the hilt of her sword the place looked like a dive, the sort of place, in fact, she might have frequented in her youth.

“Yeah,” Dawn nodded her head, “I, like, made a deal to perform here and I so checked the place out.”

“Yeah?” Faith didn’t sound convinced.

“Yeah,” explained Dawn, “it’s, like a totally respectable place no underage girls…”

“You do know that means no girls under twelve, right?” Faith pointed out.

“Different times, way different cultures,” countered Dawn, “and anyway, like, the guy in charge so doesn’t allow prostitution on the premises. And we’ve got to eat, we’ve so nearly spent all the money we got off queen bitch Jehnna.”

The final argument was the clincher, not even Faith could fight an empty belly.

“Okay,” admitted Faith, “but the first sign of trouble and we’re outta here, right?”

“Yeah, like totally,” Dawn agreed reluctantly, “y'know Faith you’re beginning to sound like my sister much!”

Tucking her bundle of stage clothes under her arm more firmly Dawn stepped into the Rampant Stallion.

0=0=0=0

The entrance lobby was small and dark and smelt faintly of stale wine; what little light there was came from one small lamp set high up in the wall.

“Wot d’you want?” came a gruff voice from within the deep shadow by the door to the main part of the building.

Shifting slightly to put herself between the voice and Dawn, Faith was just about to answer when the shadow moved. The ‘shadow’ revealed itself to be the biggest man Faith had ever seen. He must have been over seven foot tall and about four foot across the shoulders; he shambled towards Faith then bent down to look her in the face.

“We don’t want any of your kind, round here,” observed the doorkeeper, a large cudgel hanging from his wrist by a thong to back up his opinions; “bloody barbarians coming ‘round ‘ere stealing all the jobs from good ‘onest Haafi working men…”

Faith was just about to punch this ‘man’ through the wall when Dawn stepped forward.

“Hi!” Dawn cried cheerfully, “I’m, like Dawn the Perky Parthenian Dancer, and this is like my friend, Faith the Buff Barbarian. We’re here to see Mr Chanina.”

Faith frowned at Dawn’s use of her nickname.

“Who?” the doorkeeper lifted a massive hand and scratched his small head.

“Like, you know?” Dawn grinned, “You musta totally heard the song?”

Both the doorkeeper and Faith frowned but for completely different reasons; Dawn sang a couple of bars to the accompaniment of a possibly recognisable tune.

“ _She is the very model of a heroine barbarian;  
Through Herculean efforts, she’s become humanitarian.  
She rides throughout the hinterland, at least that's what they call it in  
Those sissy towns like Sunnydale, Faith herself, is a Bostonian… _  


“Oh!” rumbled the doorkeeper, “That Faith the Buff Barbarian!”

“Like there’s another?” Dawn gasped in surprise.

“Yeah,” nodded the doorkeeper, “but you can come in.”

The mountain of a man pulled back the blanket that covered the entrance and pointed across the empty wine shop at a man who stood by the bar.

0=0=0=0

The balding, middle-aged man at the bar turned at the sound of their approach; he eyed Faith warily but gave Dawn a bright appreciative smile.

“Mr Chanina?” asked Dawn.

“Yes,” replied the man, “you must be Dawn the Perky Parthenian Dancer.”

As Dawn and Chanina started on a complicated business discussion, Faith lost interest and started to check the place out. Okay, she thought, looks like two exits. There was the main door and another door that probably led out to a back alley through a kitchen area. There was a staircase over in the far corner next to a small stage. That was probably were the dancers came down from the rooms upstairs while the band sat on the stage.

The Rampant Stallion looked like a hundred other similar places she’d been to since Dawn and herself had fallen into this world. The only real difference between the Rampant Stallion and all the other places was that this place seemed an awful lot cleaner. Walking around the main room, Faith threaded her way between the low tables and the cushions on the floor where the customers sat. She smiled knowingly, having your customers basically sitting on the floor made it harder for them to get up quickly and thus harder for fights to start. This Chanina guy wasn’t stupid.

Having finished her business with Chanina, Dawn wandered over to where Faith stood.

“Okay, like I’ve finalised the deal with Chanina there,” Dawn nodded towards the shop owner. “I do three dances tonight, with an option to come back on a weekly basis if I’m, like popular.”

Dawn rolled her eyes as if to say, ‘of course I’ll be popular, duh!’

“I’ve even made a deal so he’ll, like pay you if you help with security, okay?” Dawn raised her eyebrow questioningly.

“Yeah fine,” Faith nodded.

0=0=0=0

The night had gone surprisingly well; Dawn had performed twice to her usual rapturous reception. Faith smiled as she thought of what Buffy would say if she got to see what her ‘innocent little sister’ did to earn money. The audience had been well behaved and showed their appreciation my throwing the dancers coins. However, something had spoiled Faith’s enjoyment of a quiet night and being paid for it. She could feel a vampire somewhere in the room but she could never quite work out which of the customers was the bloodsucker even after she’d prowled around the room checking out each customer. But without becoming so obvious that the vamp would high tail it out of the bar, she’d not been able to get close enough to pinpoint the fang guy. Shaking her head in frustration, Faith retreated into the shadows to watch the crowd as Dawn made her third and final appearance on the dance floor.

0=0=0=0

Feeling the excitement build in his chest, Raka turned to look at the stairs where the dancers appeared as the audience started to clap. He saw her there posing at the foot of the stairs dressed in a tiny pair of panties a few satin-like scarves, silver nipple tassels, some jewellery and a smile. Raka felt his long dead heart do a back flip as the girl stepped out onto the dance floor.

The girl had cymbals on her fingers and bells that jingled as she walked around her ankles; blood red light reflected across the room from the ruby she wore in her navel. The band started to play as the dancing girl started to sway to and fro moving faster as the beat of the music increased. Soon she would be whirling around the dance floor, exciting him and the audience but always just out of his reach.

Finding himself breathing rapidly, Raka wiped the sweat from his brow. He couldn’t take his eyes off the girl, her body fascinated him like he was being mesmerised by a snake. Lifting his wine cup in a trembling hand, Raka drank without taking his eyes from the girl’s nubile body. Soon his chance would come; the girl was dancing between the tables now teasing the audience with her proximity. Any moment now she’d be in reach and he would pounce. 

“Closer, closer,” muttered Raka quietly as the girl started to head towards his table; just as the girl stepped into reach, Raka stood up and made a grab for her.

0=0=0=0

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” screamed Dawn as she punched her assailant on the side of his head, “Get offa me you freak!”

The weight and momentum of her attacker bore the pair of them down onto the floor. Struggling to free herself, Dawn screamed scratched and bit her attacker as they rolled across the floor knocking over tables and spilling people’s drinks as they went.

“OH! LIKE, GROSS!” Dawn squealed as she found her attackers cold hands grab hold of her breasts; she grabbed hold of the pervert’s long, lank hair and pulled his head back so she could head butt him in the face, instead she screamed all the more loudly.

“VAMP!” what the hell, thought Dawn as she screamed her warning; she head butted the vamp anyway her forehead catching him on the bridge of the nose.

This had the effect of making the vamp let go of her breasts and clutch his bloody nose.

0=0=0=0

Wading through a sea of panicking humanity, Faith fought her way to where Dawn struggled with the vamp. Knocking people out of her way when they moved too slowly for her liking, Faith took hold of the vamps robe just as Dawn head butted him in the face. The vamp cried out in pain and shock as he was lifted off his prey and hurled bodily across the room.

“You okay?” Faith asked as she helped Dawn regain her feet.

“Bastard!” she screamed in the direction of the vamp, before turning to look at Faith; “I want him, like soooo dead, he totally ruined my big finish!”

Smiling, Faith turned to deal with the vamp; Dawn was okay. Now Faith could deal with the bloodsucker. Striding across the dance floor to where the vampire lay trying to disentangle himself from a couple of ruined tables and a pile of cushions; she picked him up by the throat and hurled him through a wall in the direction of street.

0=0=0=0

Picking himself up from the pile of shattered mud bricks that lay on the cobblestones of the alley, Raka looked up to see the warrioress appear through the hole he’d just made in the wall. Stumbling a little and shaking his head to try to clear it of the fog that filled it, Raka decided it was time to leave. Maybe he should find another girl, one that didn’t have such a strong and obviously dangerous friend.

0=0=0=0

Climbing through the hole in the wall, Faith saw the vamp struggle to his feet. Hauling her sword from its scabbard she clutched the hilt in both hands as she advanced on the stunned vampire. Drawing back her arms she brought the sword whistling around and down on the vampire’s neck. Raka's head seemingly jumped into the air as it spun and the vamp’s body started to fall towards the cobbles. Before either head or body had time to hit the cobbled street the bloodsucker had turned to dust and had blown away on the breeze coming up from the harbour.

“Slayer, one,” Faith said quietly as she returned her sword to its scabbard, “vamp, no chance!”

0=0=0=0

You might like to copy and paste this link to your favourite search engine OR highlight and right click and listen to the Hollies sing ‘Stop all the Dancing’.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vXwb6U3p9Ns


	12. Chapter 12

**Part Three.  
The Temple of Sett.**

_Having put the young Queen Jehnna on the throne of Arymlap and having been thrown out of that Kingdom. Faith and Dawn have ridden west to the coast and the busy port of Haafi. Here they have plied their trade amongst the docks and back streets of that bustling city; until one day…_

0=0=0=0

_As I walked out through Prophets Square,  
A fair maid I did meet.  
She asked me to see her home,  
She lived in Bleaker Street._

_…and away you santy,  
My dear honey.  
Oh, you Haafi girls,  
Can you dance the polka? _

Standing in the main hall of the Haafi watch-house, Captain Abijah watched the priest warily. The man had been found wondering in Cherry Street by one of Abijah’s patrols. He’d been dressed in an old flour barrel (not the normal attire for a priest, or indeed anyone else) he'd claimed to have been beaten and robbed by two women.

The priest belonged to the new snake cult of Sett that was spreading like a rash throughout the land; they were supposed to promote purity and oneness with the universe. Abijah suspected that the priest had been practising ‘oneness’ with one of the port’s licensed prostitutes. Most likely he’d refused to pay her price and he’d ended up being ‘rolled’ by her pimp for his foolishness.

The Mayor had ordered the city’s official’s to co-operate with this new sect; there was a rumour that the mayor’s own daughter had become mixed up with the cult. Whatever the truth about the mayor’s daughter, Abijah knew his duty; and his duty was to the law first and foremost. Picking up his wax covered writing board he turned towards the priest; someone had taken the man’s flour barrel and replaced it with a blanket and given him a cup of wine.

“Right sir,” began Abijah with a world weariness common to policemen from time immemorial, “can you tell me what happen?”

“Of course,” began the priest still rubbing his temple, “I was walking in the Square of Prophets…

“That’s interesting, sir,” Abijah’s interest was, in fact, pricked, “what would you have been doing there then?”

The Square of Prophets was a place where all the cities religious groups could go to argue out their theological differences. As these ‘discussions’ often ended in bloodshed the Watch kept a strong presence in the square to nip any theological disagreements in the bud. As a result of the relatively high law enforcement presence many of the ports licensed prostitutes plied their trade in the square it being safer than the nearby streets or down by the docks.

“What?” for a second the priest looked guiltily at the watch captain, “Um, I was, you know…I was listening to the lies spread by the unbelievers.”

“Of course you were, sir,” Abijah nodded his head slowly and made a note on his writing board, ‘looking for some cunny’ it said, “You were saying?”

“Um yes,” the priest pulled his blanket more tightly around his thin shoulders, “as I say I was walking and listening to the lies spread by these less enlightened, so-called prophets, when I was approached by a distressed young woman who claimed to be lost.”

“Can you describe this young woman, sir?” this was beginning to sound all too familiar to Abijah, there was little chance of catching the perpetrators, but he had to ask these questions for forms sake.

“Oh yes,” nodded the priest, “she was about this high,” he held his hand at about shoulder height, “long dark brown hair, blue eyes. Well dressed, she had an odd accent…sounded like she came from the Republic.”

“I see, sir,” Abijah jotted the description down, “would you recognise her again if you saw her?”

“Certainly,” the priest replied fervently, “no doubt about it!”

“That’ll be useful, sir,” agreed Abijah, “if you’d like to continue?”

“Yes, well of course I said I’d help her find her way home,” the priest sounded full of self justification (or crap as Abijah called it), “as it happened I knew the street where she lived…”

“Let me guess,” interrupted Abijah, “it wouldn’t have been ‘Bleaker Street’ would it?”

“Why yes,” beamed the priest, “how did you know?”

“Lucky guess, sir,” sighed the captain.

Bleaker Street was one of the liveliest streets in the port of Haafi, or, a cesspool of depravity. It depended on your outlook on life; to be honest Abijah was all in favour of places like Bleaker Street. It kept all the trouble in one area and provided a safety valve for the city’s population. It also brought in a pretty penny in taxes so no one was in a hurry to close it down.

“Anyway,” continued the priest, “when we got to Bleaker Street she claimed to live at number forty-four, her sister was even at the door to welcome her home.”

“And the sister, sir?”

“Very much like the girl but a few years older,” the priest spoke wisely, “I’d say that although they might share a mother they didn’t share the same father.”

“Probably not…sir,” agreed Abijah as he made another note on his board, ‘total plonker’ it said.

“Well, anyway,” the priest continued with his tale of woe, “the older girl was so pleased to see her younger sister home safe and sound, that she invited me in for a drink and something to eat.”

“If I may sir,” Abijah held up his hand to prevent the priest from continuing his story, “I think I know what happens next, just correct me if I’m wrong.”

The priest smiled eagerly.

“They invited you in, they here both probably so grateful that the girl was home safe that they were very attentive. I would wager they gave you strong drink?”

The priest nodded.

“Then I expect they gave you something to eat and more to drink,” Abijah waited for the priest to nod his head in confirmation. “Then I wager they gave you even more strong drink after which you fell asleep. On awaking the following morning you found yourself alone and all your possessions gone.”

“Why that’s amazing,” the priest looked in wonder at the policeman, “how did you work that out?”

“Well, sir,” Abijah gave the priest (or ‘complete moron’, as Abijah noted on his board) a thin lipped smile, “after a while you get a feeling, a six sense as it were, for these things.”

“Well, I never,” sighed the priest shaking his head in amazement.

Abijah made yet another note on his board, ‘gullible pratt’ it said.

“Can you tell me what was stolen?” Abijah’s stylus hovered over his board.

“Of course,” the priest coughed to clear his throat, “I had a purse with fifteen,” the priest eyed the policeman for a moment before changing his mind, “no, I tell a lie twenty-five silver sheckles in it…”

“Yes you do,” agreed Abijah just too softly for the priest to hear clearly.

“…my vestments of course.” continued the priest becoming more self important as he spoke, “But most importantly the harlot stole my badge of office!”

“Dear, dear,” Abijah commiserated insincerely, “that must be terrible for you. Now then, this talisman, what did it look like?”

“It’s not a ‘talisman,” replied the priest testily, “it is the sign of the one true god and a symbol of my holy office.”

“Of course it is, sir,” Abijah gave the priest a look that would have done a dead fish proud, “but as there’s so many, ‘one true gods’, you’ll have to tell me what this charm looked like.”

“I keep telling you,” the priest was starting to get angry now, “its not a talisman or a charm it’s a…”

“Lucky amulet?” suggested Abijah straight faced, “Like a rabbit’s foot maybe?”

The priest turned red in the face before slowly calming himself and continuing with his description.

“No,” he snapped, “not like a rabbit’s foot it’s a snake with two heads facing each other thus,” the priest held up his arms to show the policeman what his trinket looked like.

“Very holy I’m sure,” sighed Abijah as he made a quick sketch on his board, “I would imagine such an important keepsake was made of gold?”

“Oh yes,” the priest nodded his head emphatically.

“Not base metal painted gold then?”

“NO!”

Abijah could almost see the steam come out of the priest’s ears.

“Well…sir,” Abijah shook his head sadly; “I doubt you’ll see the money or your clothes again. But your jewellery might turn up.”

“Good…” the priest was only just holding on to his temper at the policeman’s continued jibes, “If there’s nothing else, I’ll be on my way.”

Turning the priest started to head for the door still wrapped in the blanket.

“Excuse me, sir,” Abijah called after him, “the blanket sir.”

“What about it?”

“It’s Watch property sir, I’ll be wanting it back,” Abijah pointed out reasonably as the priest hesitated, “…now.”

“But!” spluttered the priest, “Do you expect me to walk through the city naked?”

Shrugging, Abijah spread his hands helplessly, “Surely your god will provide?” 

“Alright then,” with an ill grace the priest took off the blanket and threw it towards Abijah, it landed on the floor between them. “Let me warn you…Captain, your attitude has been noted and I will be complaining to your superiors!”

Turning once again the naked priest marched towards the door with all the dignity he could muster.

“Excuse me sir!” called Abijah once again, the priest turned to look at him, “You’re not going to walk home like that are you?”

“Yes,” the priest pulled his shoulders back, “as you’ve said, my god will provide.”

“Constable!” Abijah called to a watchman who was just going out on patrol, “Arrest that man for attempted public nudity.”

“Sir!” called the constable as he put the priest in an arm lock.

“BUT!” the priest struggled with the constable.

“Any more of that and I’ll have a charge of ‘resisting arrest’ added,” explained Abijah, “City Ordinance four-seven-five, paragraph ‘D’ clearly states that a constable may arrest anyone he believes to be about to leave a building in a state of undress without good reason; such as fire, escaping from kidnappers, sporting events…”

“But,” complained the priest as he was dragged towards the cells, “I see whores walking the street wearing nothing and no one arrests them!”

“That’s because they’re licensed prostitutes, sir,” Abijah turned to the constable, “take him away Constable Methuwshelach.”

“YOU CAN’T DO THIS TO ME!” screamed the priest as he was dragged away, “I’m a priest of the great god…”

The door down to the cells slammed shut cutting off the priest’s words.

“…and nowhere near as attractive as even the commonest street whore,” Abijah shook his head bemused at the very idea of arresting prostitutes for public nudity; how else was the woman supposed to attract customers?

Turning to go back to his office, Captain Abijah smiled to himself. It had been a good morning so far. He may not be able to catch the women who had robbed the priest but at least he’d kept a dangerous nudist off the streets.

0=0=0=0

Trying to breath only through her mouth, Faith continued to loosen the bars in the high window of their cell. The stench down here was terrible; the new mayor might have introduced many enlightened laws to the port of Haafi but so far prison reform and sewers weren’t amongst them.

Resting her arms for a moment, Faith turned to look down at Dawn who lay snoring on the none to clean straw of the cell’s floor; she wondered how the smell hadn’t woken her up. Shaking her head, Faith went back to work on the bars. If they’d been lower she’d have been able to pull them out of the wall, no problem. As it was the window was high up in the wall and she could only just reach them; she was having to work them loose a little at a time.

Things had been going quite well for them in Haafi up until the point they’d robbed that priest. It was their own fault, she supposed, they’d spent his money (the miser only had ten Sheckles on him) but they’d got fifty for the gold talisman he’d been wearing. His clothes they’d sold for a few pennies to, Qetsiyah, a prostitute who turned ‘novelty’ tricks; she’d said they might come in useful.

To celebrate their good fortune, Dawn and Faith had gone out on the town. After a few cups of wine they had decided to try something more ‘exotic’. This was how they’d fallen in with the Black Lotus pedaller. The guy’d said it was good stuff, Faith smiled ruefully; it had certainly put her lights out which said something for its potency. There weren’t many things that could lay a slayer low like that. The last thing Faith remembered from the previous night was dragging an unconscious Dawn along a street and bumping into two Watchmen. They’d woken up in the cell sometime later, Faith had a throbbing head and a disgusting taste in her mouth. Groaning, Dawn rolled over on the straw and opened an eye.

“OOOOOH!” her hand went to her forehead as she winced at the sound of her own voice. “Oh gods,” she moaned much moe quietly this time as she slowly sat up, “like, where are we?”

“Jail,” Faith went back to loosening the bars.

“Faith!” Dawn closed her eyes and held up her free hand signalling Faith to stop doing whatever it was she was doing, “Do you, like have to make so much noise?”

“Gotta get outta here,” Faith ignored Dawn’s complaints and kept working on the bars.

“Like why?” pleaded Dawn, the look on her face said she’d just discovered the smell that pervaded the cell, “Like, what’s the point? We were only, like drunk and disorderly, that’s just a fine, right?”

“Right,” agree Faith stopping to rest her arms again, “but what if they trace that gold pendant thing back to us?”

“So?” Dawn got unsteadily to her feet.

“Do ya know what the penalty for street robbery is?” Faith started to work on the bars again.

“No,” Dawn staggered across the cell to join Faith at the window.

“Six months in the city brothel,” explained Faith, “an' I don’t mean mopping the floors.”

“WHAT!?” squeaked Dawn, immediately regretting her outburst, it was several seconds before she could speak again, “What are you waiting for? Get those bars out!”

0=0=0=0

“Nearly got ‘em,” Faith pulled on the bar; standing on Dawn’s back made the job so much easier.

“Hurry up,” came a muffled voice from beneath Faith’s feet.

“It would be easier if ya didn’t move around so much,” Faith started to ease the second bar out of its setting.

“Like, excuse me for breathing,” Dawn snapped from the floor, “but you haven’t got, like an elephant standing on your back, much!”

“HEY!” Faith stopped working and looked down at her support, “I’ll have ya know I’m exactly the right weight for a woman my age and height.”

Dawn never got a chance to argue the point as someone started to unlock the cell door.

“Whatever happens,” Faith said in a hushed whisper as she jumped to the floor, “stick close to me.”

The door opened on rusty hinges making Dawn wince again, a jailer stuck his head around the door.

“Alright you two,” the man called, “you’re outta here. The Mayor wants to see you.”

“He does?” Dawn looked at Faith uncertainly, then recovered herself a little and added, “Yeah, like about time too!”

0=0=0=0

After an interminable hike along corridors and passageways the two women where led out into an audience chamber. Tall windows let in light down one side of the room; an empty throne stood on a dais opposite the door and a number of scribes sat at desks scribbling away at parchments with quill pens. Looking over her shoulder Faith saw that the door was guarded by two men with swords and small shields.

“…I want to crush my enemies, see them driven before me, and hear the lamentation of their women!” Announced a man, Faith suspected he was the mayor; he stood at a wash stand washing his hands, picking up a towel he turned to glance at Dawn and Faith.

“Don’t you think that’s a little harsh, sir?” asked an elderly scribe, “After all, it’s only the mid-term elections.”

“Hmm? Maybe you’re right…whatever,” he waved the man away before turning to look at the other scribes in the room. “Alright, everyone,” the mayor finished wiping his hands on the towel and smiled as he spoke, “you can all take a break for half an hour while I speak with these ladies.”

Faith’s mouth dropped open as she stared at the mayor.

“But sir?” said one of the guards.

“It’s alright, Yehochanan I’ll be quite safe,” he turned his eyes on Dawn and Faith, “won’t I ladies?”

“Y-yes boss,” stammered Faith.

0=0=0=0


	13. Chapter 13

2.

“Boss?” Dawn turned and gave Faith a puzzled grimace.

“No…no,” gasped Faith taking a step away from the mayor, “ya can’t be!”

“Hey,” the mayor favoured Faith with a sunny smile, “have we met? Because if we had I’m sure I’d remember such an attractive young woman as you.”

“Umm,” Dawn stepped forward after again giving Faith a worried look, “look, my friend hasn’t been feeling well lately…”

“Oh dear!” interrupted the mayor, his eyebrows coming together in a concerned frown, “Nothing serious I hope?”

Smiling Dawn tried to work out what was going on here, this mayor guy seemed genuinely nice, which made a change (mostly officials couldn’t wait to see the back of them) yet Faith was acting like she’d seen a ghost or something. Dawn took a deep breath; it looked like it was down to her to get them out of this situation…as usual. Loosening the two top fasteners of her blouse she stepped towards the mayor and struck what she hoped was a seductive pose.

“Oh ho!” laughed the mayor, “Lets not have any of that sort of behaviour, young lady, I’m a happily married man and I have my reputation to think about.”

Slumping a little Dawn abandoned her attempts at seduction. Oh well, she thought, better luck next time. Ever since her rather hurried ‘deflowering’ carried out while Faith was fighting off a load of guards who were intent on grabbing her for the vacant ‘Virgin Sacrifice’ spot. Dawn’s ‘love life’, if you could call it that, had hit a new low; she sighed wistfully; at least Faith was letting her drink wine now.

“Darn,” breathed Dawn, “like, I was really hoping to get out of this by using my womanly wiles…whatever they are.”

“Hey,” smiled the mayor.

He did seem to smile a lot, mused Dawn; it must be a professional politician thing.

“Look,” the mayor smiled sympathetically, “don’t take it personally, if I was twenty years younger and not coming up for re-election I’d take you up on your offer…and by the way, your ‘womanly wiles’ look lovely.”

“They do?” beamed Dawn, looking down the front of her blouse, “Y’know, a lot of guys just don’t say that sort of thing often enough.”

“Alright,” the mayor lost something of his pleasant demeanour, “to business.”

“Oh,” Dawn glanced back at Faith who was now standing with her back against the wall staring at the mayor, “Okay, like what have we gotta do to get out of this?”

“Nice to meet a young woman who knows when to get down to business,” the mayor crossed the room and poured a couple of goblets of wine.

Bringing one over to Dawn he passed it to her then raised a questioning eyebrow and looked at Faith. Dawn shook her head, best not to give Faith any more alcohol until she knew what the freaking hell was wrong with her.

“I’m sorry,” the mayor sipped at his wine, neatly showing Dawn it wasn’t poisoned, “it’s watered down. I don’t approve of strong drink…but it’s the only safe thing to drink at the moment. When I’m re-elected I’m going to have one of those aqueduct things built and bring fresh water right into the heart of the city.”

“Like,” Dawn smiled wondering if this guy wanted her to vote for him or something, “that’s cool.”

“Yes it is, isn’t it?” the mayor was back to smiling again. “Now young lady I know all about you and your friend and what you did to that priest…” the mayor glanced over at Faith who was now sitting on the floor still staring at him. “Are you sure she’s alright?”

“Yeah,” Dawn glanced over her shoulder, “she’ll be like fine…no problemo…” she mouthed the words, ‘time of the month’ and winked.

“Oh…yes,” the mayor coughed to cover his embarrassment, “Anyway, as I was saying about this priest you and your friend…maybe she should lie down or something?”

“No,” Dawn smiled, “she’ll be fine…honest.”

“Well,” the mayor did his best to look stern, “do you know how much trouble this has caused me?”

Dawn shook her head.

“I’ve had their High Priest fellow; now what’s his name,” the mayor snapped his fingers trying to remember, “Radox…” the mayor frowned in concentration, “No! Rexor! Silly name if you ask me.”

Dawn grinned her agreement; it was generally a good idea to agree with the guy who held your life in the palm of his hand. Dawn turned to give Faith an annoyed look, particularly when your only friend and protector was acting all screwy.

“Damn foreigners,” the mayor had a distracted look on his face now, almost as if Dawn wasn’t in the room with him. “Coming into my very own townhall demanding that I catch you and threatening me!” The mayor thumped his chest, he turned to point a finger at Dawn as if it were a spear, “I mean how dare he!? By all rights I ought to have you and your friend tortured to death in the public square.”

“You should!” Dawn gulped and took a long drink of her watered wine, “I mean…you should?”

“Yes I should,” the mayor sighed and gave Dawn a long hard look.

Dawn whimpered a little and waited to hear what her fate was to be, she nearly jumped out of her skin when the mayor laughed.

“HA!” he barked, “What daring! What outrageousness! What insolence! What arrogance! I salute you.”

“Like…you do?” Dawn nearly dropped her goblet she was so shocked.

“Yes,” the mayor stepped over to her and put a fatherly arm around her shoulder and led her over to the windows. “Yes, those snake worshipping so ‘n’ so’s came to Haafi about a year ago,” he explained. “Since then they’ve grown in power, they upset the older town’s people and have beguiled the youngsters.” He looked down at Dawn, “Did you know that trade has dropped by 15% since those snake lovers came to the city?”

“No?” Dawn shook her head again; she wasn’t too sure what was going on here. But, she didn’t think she was going to be tortured to death anytime soon, “You don’t like, like snakes?”

“Oh no!” the mayor shook his head firmly, “Yuck! Horrible things, all slippery and slimy,” he gave a shudder, “I’m thinking of having a snake whacking day, y’know?”

“Yeah,” Dawn replied weakly, her smile had become somewhat fixed by now; she really wished Faith would get her head back in the game. “So, um, what can I…we do for you?”

“AH!” the mayor let go of Dawn’s shoulder and strode back to the table with its jug of wine, “Its nice to meet someone so perceptive,” the mayor poured more wine. “If all this wasn’t enough, what with it being election year and all. This Radux fellow has bewitched my only daughter and is holding her in that damn tower of his; I want you and your friend to get her back for me.”

“Oh!” Dawn said relieved, “Like, we can do that. For a moment there I thought you wanted us to assassinate your political rivals or something.”

“No need,” smiled the mayor, “the lions ate them.”

“They did?” Dawn drank the rest of her wine very quickly.

“You know, young lady,” the mayor smiled sadly, “there comes a time, when the jewels cease to sparkle, when the gold loses its luster, when the mayor’s office becomes a prison, and all that is left is a father's love for his child.”

Dawn managed to resist the urge to rush over and give the mayor a big hug.

“Will you do it?” the mayor asked hopefully.

“Sure!”

0=0=0=0

Ten minutes later Dawn was pulling Faith by the arm towards their lodgings, she’s struck a deal with the mayor. First, all criminal charges against Faith and herself were to be dropped whether they got the mayor’s daughter back or not. The mayor would supply horses and any other useful equipment that they might need and upon successful completion of the task, five hundred gold sheckles…each.

“Like, what is freaking wrong with you?” Dawn found herself sounding like her mother; or worse yet, Buffy!

“Don’t you know who that was?” Faith had recovered a little more as they got further away from the townhall.

“Who? The mayor?”

“Yeah…the mayor,” Faith came to sudden halt in the middle of the street; she looked at Dawn, a slightly insane glint in her eye. “Of course,” she muttered, “you where too young or maybe ya hadn’t been made yet, maybe the monks forgot to put that part in…”

“What?” Dawn was starting to get worried now; she didn’t like it when people reminded her that she’d been ‘made’ as opposed to born.

“Don’t you understand?” Faith grabbed Dawn by the collar of her blouse, “That was Mayor Wilkins!”

“Like, from Sunnydale?” gulped Dawn.

“Yeah,” Faith nodded her head, “snake guy himself!”

Dawn thought about this for a moment before saying, “But he said he didn’t like snakes!”

0=0=0=0

Not so very far away, Conan the Barbarian rode through an area of forest just to the north of the port of Haafi. After his adventures in Arymlap he’d sobered up and headed north finding employment as a mercenary with the warring hill tribes of the Black Mountains…or were they the Brown Mountains? Whatever, Conan had made himself a small fortune by slaughtering the enemies of his employer, wading through their blood and dismembered bodies until they cried ‘Uncle!’ Family disputes could be a terrible thing.

Now he was going to the coast to put his feet up, have a drink or two and screw around a little. Since he’d stopped taking the herbs that improved his muscle tone he’d found the girls where far more eager to couple with him. To be honest, he could stand to lose a few pounds of muscle bulk and anyway, girls were much more fun. Riding along with thoughts of wine and girls going through his mind (it was a short journey as he only had a tiny mind), he didn’t notice that the trees had grown bigger and darker and closer together. Hearing a girl’s screams he snapped out of his daydreams of wine, women and sex (who needs song?); he pulled his horse to a halt and drew his sword.

“Vas ist das?” he looked around trying to find the source of the scream.

Again there was a scream, louder this time and definitely female. Only this time he could hear the sound of something big smashing through the undergrowth about fifty paces off to his left. Without a second thought (Conan had hardly ever had a first thought), he kicked his horse into motion and galloped under the low branches towards the sound of the commotion.

“He-elp! He-elp!” screamed the busty young woman in the diaphanous white nightdress as she was being dragged through the forest by a hideous monster.

The creature stood a good eight feet tall, its dun coloured fur was matted with mud and what looked like dried blood. It’s head was like a huge nightmare vision of a lion. While it walked on its hind legs it’s barrel chested body was hunched forward as it held its victim in its wickedly clawed paw.

“He-elp!” screamed the young woman catching sight of Conan, “Sur!” she called, “I beg you, he-elp!”

“Haf nien vorry, kliner lady,” Conan swung down from his horse, “I vill save you!”

He rushed at the monster and took a swing at the creature with his great sword. The monster screamed hideously as Conan’s blade bit into its hide. It dropped the girl and turned to roar at Conan, it towered above the barbarian foam dripping from its jaws as it bared its long sharp teeth and flexed its long blood stained claws.

“NOOOOOO! DOOON’T DOOO THIS!” roared the monster.

“Kill it! Kill it!” screamed the girl as she staggered free of the monster’s clutches.

Stepping forward, Conan swung his sword again, bright red, copper smelling blood squirted from the monster’s chest where Conan’s sword had made a long, deep cut, the monster staggered away from Conan holding up its arm trying to ward off the blows that the warrior rained on it.

“NOOO! NOOO!” begged the monster, “You’ve got it all wrong!”

“DON’T LISTEN TO IT!” screamed the girl, her breasts heaving with excitement, “IT’S TRYING TO TRICK YOU!”

Advancing once more, Conan thrust with his sword burying it up to the hilt in the monster’s belly.

“Sir!” gasped the monster as it collapsed to its knees, “I-I…must…protest!”

With a groan the monster toppled over and breathed its last. Conan retrieved his sword and was just cleaning the blood from the blade when the young woman rushed over to him and wrapped her body around his.

“Oh sur!” she gasped, “Thank-you, thank-you! How will I ever be able to repay you?”

“I am sure ve can think of something,” Conan grinned.

0=0=0=0

“Come with me,” the girl led Conan through the restless forest, “I need you, I fear the dark and I live all alone.”

There was something in the girl’s manor that gave Conan pause for thought; why did she fear the dark when it was in fact broad daylight? And why did she live alone? Conan ran an appreciative eye over the girls figure. The dark curls that tumbled over her shoulders, her dark smouldering eyes that seemed to drown his very soul. The swell of her magnificent breasts, her lily white skin; all these things would suggest that she’d be fighting off admirers with a stick. Catching sight of an exposed thigh Conan reassessed his conclusion; no she’d have to use a large axe! So, why was she so desperate to get him back to wherever it was she lived? Conan hesitated for a moment. The girl sensing his reluctance to go any further turned towards him, she ran a hand down between her breasts and licked her lips provocatively.

“I’ll give you wine and food too,” she sighed deeply making the empires of her breasts rise and fall, “and something special after if you like.”

What the hell, shrugged Conan, in for a penny in for a splonder. Hitching up his fur jock strap he followed the girl to her little cottage deep in the forest.

0=0=0=0

Everything had seemed to be going so well, Conan thought as he rode away from the cottage the next day. The meal had involved a lot of significant looks, suggestive eating and oddly shaped fruit. The girl had served him a cheeky little vintage which left a fruity, summery aftertaste in the mouth. It was just after they’d finished the desert and before Conan could even ask if there were any cheese and biscuits that the girl hurled herself at him.

Tearing off her clothes, what little there was of them, she exposed the full glory of her smooth alabaster like skin, her pink nipples were already hard and erect with excitement as her mouth sort out Conan’s. The girl pulled desperately at his jockstrap pulling it free with an easy tug…and she’d not even offered him coffee or an after dinner mint! A lapse in etiquette that Conan would overlook considering the circumstances.

They rolled across the floor as the girl’s cries of pleasure got louder and louder. Conan thought that he must be doing a pretty good job as the girl bucked and squirmed under him. He was just giving himself a metaphorical pat on the back when it all started to go horribly wrong. Just as they where reaching the mutual climax of the performance, Conan noticed there was something wrong with the girl's eyes. They’d become sort of ‘slited’ a little like a cat’s. The girl’s teeth had also become elongated and sharp looking and her ears had changed shape so they looked more like those belonging to some sort of green blooded man-creature.

Panic didn’t set in until she tried to rip out his throat with her teeth. Conan, showing remarkable presence of mind considering the situation, rolled off the girl and grabbed for his weapon; then on second thoughts he went for his sword. Just in time he brought up his blade as the girl-devil leaped across the room at him. The razor sharp blade entered her body between her two ripe breasts, the force of her charge drove Conan’s sword right through her until the tip poked out of her back.

“Der Teufel!” gasped Conan as he pulled his blade free from his one time lover.

Having thrown the she-devil out of the cottage, Conan slept the sleep of the just, before awaking the following morning. After a good breakfast and looting the cottage for anything that might be useful he headed out to the little stable where his horse waited patiently for him. Just as he was about to mount up and gallop off into the sunrise he heard a loud moan come from what looked like a pile of discarded skins. Walking over her pulled the top skin aside to find a young oriental man looking up at him.

“Who are you?” Conan asked warily.

“Subotia,” replied the man, “Archer!”

0=0=0=0


	14. Chapter 14

3.

Looking up at the tower Faith frowned and rested her hands on her hips. Beside her Dawn rattled off facts about the Cult of Sett and its followers. 

“Like, fifty years ago Sett was just this minor snake cult,” Dawn explained, “then this guy called Thulsa Doom took over…stupid name,” she added. “Y’know this Doom guy’s like a thousand years old?” 

Snorting in derision at this information, Faith continued to study the temple. The building consisted of a tower sixty-five or seventy-five feet high and maybe fifty feet across at the base. The top of the tower was decorated with four giant snake heads facing to the cardinal points of the compass. Although the tower was high it didn’t look as if it would be too difficult to climb, there where a lot of cracks in the stonework for fingers and toes and plenty of projections to tie off ropes.

“Y’know, doing research in a place where there’s, like, zero libraries isn’t easy,” Dawn complained.

“Hey, sorry, Dawn,” Faith turned to look at her friend, “didn’t mean to make it sound like I didn’t believe ya.”

“That’s okay,” Dawn shrugged.

“So, what else’ve y’got?” Faith started to walk around the tower looking for weaknesses, Dawn tagged along behind her.

“Right, okay,” Dawn gathered her thoughts, “like they say that there’s tunnels and rooms and freaking torture chambers under the tower thing, and-and guess what?”

Faith turned and raised her eyebrow at Dawn questioningly.

“Okay, so you don’t wanna guess but there’s supposed to be some, like some totally huge snake living down there,” Dawn was nearly wetting herself in her excitement, “and-and you know what it guards?”

“I’ve no idea,” sighed Faith giving Dawn an exasperated look, “why don’t y’tell me?”

“Grumpy…much!?”

“Dawn!” Faith warned.

“Okay, okay,” sighed the younger woman, “but, this freaking big snake is like guarding some gi-normous freaking ruby!”

Sighing, Faith stopped studying the tower and turned a baleful eye on Dawn.

“You’re not intimidating me, y’know?” Dawn crossed her arms of her chest and stared right back at Faith. “Buffy used to try that all the time…like, it didn’t work then and it doesn’t work now!”

“Okay,” admitted Faith, “there’s some huge freaking ruby thing in there…so what?”

“Hey!” squeaked Dawn, “We have to eat too y’know, and rubies totally suit me.”

“I thought you liked sapphires,” Faith continued her circumnavigation of the tower.

“Sapphires are so totally yesterday!”Dawn sniffed.

“So did ya find out anything useful,” Faith smiled at the fickleness of youth, “Like how many guards and worshippers we’re gonna have to deal with?”

“Oh sure,” nodded Dawn.

“Well?”

“Oh, sorry,” Dawn smirked, “about a dozen guards and maybe twice that many worshippers…mostly young girls, like gross, y'know what I mean?”

“Yeah I think I can, y’know, guess,” Faith could indeed guess, it was odd how these religious types liked to have young girls (or boys) as followers, “anyone in charge?”

“High priest is that guy, Rexor…like the mayor said, 'nother freaking silly name,” Dawn looked up at the tower and seemed to see it for the first time, “We’re gonna climb up that aren’t we?”

“That’s the idea;” confirmed Faith, “Rexor?”

“Yeah,” Dawn gulped a little, “supposed to be Thelma Dumb's brother…which would make him…”

“Yeah, I know,” sighed Faith, “a thousand years old.”

“No, smart ass,” laughed Dawn, Faith turned a full power slayer stare on her side-kick, “*gulp!*” Dawn swallowed noisily, “no that makes him about eight-hundred years old…younger brother, see?”

“Yeah, right,” Faith stood with her hands on her hips again taking in every detail of the tower.

Gone were the days when Faith would just rush in and to hell with the consequences, she’d learnt about planning the hard way. In the past she’d had a tendency to over plan, make things more complicated than they needed to be; like her plan to have Angel kill her. Or alternatively she’d not plan at all. Now she considered things carefully, thought about escape routes and such; after all she had Dawn to worry about now.

“The Mayor’s daughter is like, being held in the high priest’s chambers,” Dawn added quietly, “surprise, surprise, like, freaking dirty old pervert much!”

Faith said nothing for a moment; this could all be over with, quickly and painlessly, at least for Dawn and herself. Go in tonight, grab the girl take her home to daddy. Then collect the reward and be out of Haafi by lunchtime tomorrow.

“You better oil up the old chain mail bikini, Dawnie,” smiled Faith, “we’re going in tonight!”

0=0=0=0

“…guilty!” the magistrate banged his gavel and two burly watchmen dragged the condemned man away, “Next!”

The priest, Dareyavesh, was pushed roughly into the dock by yet more burly watchmen. The judge glanced up and eyed the naked man with contempt and loathing, his face brightened, however when Captain Abijah stepped forward.

“Ah! Captain,” beamed the judge, “it’s a long time since you’ve been in my court…pressure of work no doubt? How’s that lovely wife of yours?”

“Indeed, y’honour,” Abijah nodded to the magistrate, “very well thank-you.”

“And the children?”

“Fine y’honour.”

“Good, good, so, what have you got for me today?” the magistrate turned his baleful eye back on the naked priest who shivered in the dock.

“Just a simple case of attempted public nudity, y’honour,” explained Abijah tiredly.

“Attempted public nudity?” queried the magistrate, “Explain?”

“Of course, y’honour,” Abijah removed a wax covered writing board from the pouch on his belt and studied it for a moment. “I was questioning the accused on another matter, y’honour. When I told him he could leave he attempted to leave the watch-house in a state of undress. When I challenged him, he stated that his god would provide clothing.”

There were titters from the scribes of the court, and the magistrate tried to hide the smile that threatened to break out on his face.

“In the absence of burning bushes, multitudes of angels or even snakes,” continued Abijah, “I thought it best to arrest him thus preventing a public outrage.”

“Snakes, Captain?” queried the magistrate.

“Yes, y’honour,” Abijah glanced at the prisoner, “the accused is a priest in the service of the so-called god Sett.”

“Oh!” smiled the magistrate, “A, um, settee as it were?”

Again there were titters from the scribes.

“Indeed, y’honour,” Abijah smiled dutifully, “very good sir.”

“Hmm,” the magistrate glanced down at a law tablet, “you have witnesses?”

“Yes, y’honour,” Abijah nodded, “half a dozen watchmen.”

“Any independent witnesses?” the magistrate wanted to know.

“None at the moment, y’honour,” Abijah looked slightly hurt that the word of six specially picked watchman wasn’t good enough, “but I’m sure I could find some if y’honour really wanted them.”

“Oh,” sighed the magistrate, “I don’t think we need bother, sounds like an open and shut case to me,” he looked at the priest Dareyavesh and frowned, “Does the condemned wish to say anything before sentence is passed?”

“But y’honour!” Dareyavesh held his hands out imploringly, “This is most unfair! Everyday I see women disport themselves in near nakedness and…”

“Yes, yes, yes,” groaned the magistrate, “I’ve heard this all before. You’ve said the words yourself,” he stared at the priest with unforgiving eyes, “near-nakedness, you see?” 

The magistrate turned to Abijah once more.

“He’s not a licensed prostitute is he?”

“No, y’honour.”

“This cult of his,” the magistrate scratched the end of his nose, “does it dispense sexual favours?”

“Not that I know of, y’honour.”

“Thank-you, Captain,” the magistrate turned back to the prisoner. “As you have no licence or religious exemption there is really no excuse for your behaviour…”

“But!” begged Dareyavesh urgently.

“Priest Dareyavesh,” the magistrate announced formally, “you have been found guilty of attempted public nudity. As you appear to want to disport yourself like a prostitute I see no reason not to grant your wish. Six months in the City Brothel!” the magistrate banged his gavel bringing the proceedings to a close.

“NOOOOOOOOO!” screamed Dareyavesh as the two burly watchmen dragged him away.

0=0=0=0

Pulling on her thigh length boots Dawn cast a glance out of the window of the room she shared with Faith.

“It’s getting dark,” she said unnecessarily, she looked down at her hand as it started to shake.

It wasn't like she was scared; well no more than any sensible person was before going out to risk life and limb. No, she knew it was just the adrenaline starting to kick in…how could she be frightened, she had Faith? Dawn smiled to herself at the double meaning, she had faith in Faith. Why couldn’t Buffy have been more like Faith? Faith never tried to overprotect her, never blocked her out of the slayer part of her life. Faith never kept anything hidden from her; Faith was way cooler than Buffy.

Putting on her chainmail bra Dawn giggled to herself, it wasn’t so much of a bra anymore as a bodice. She’d added a fringe of mail that hung down below her breasts; it protected her middle without affecting her ability to move quickly. Once her top was in place she belted on the skirt made of strips of thick leather and metal studs that protected the lower half of her body. With her long boots and arm protectors on there was hardly any flesh showing; she had to be careful as she didn’t have slayer healing.

0=0=0=0

Watching out the corner of her eye Faith checked out Dawn’s outfit, she nodded her head in approval as she slipped on her own leather halter top with its bronze studs. If Dawn had to come with her then it was best that she be as well protected as she could be. Faith had always thought Buffy foolish to try and keep Dawn out of the slayer part of her life. It just made the girl more eager to get herself involved, she on the other hand had trained Dawn as best as she could. Dawn was as good as any girl her age and strength could be, probably better, she was fast, agile and strong. Faith had drilled it into Dawn during long hours of training that she couldn’t hope to match even an average man in strength, so told her not to try. Play to your strengths, Faith had told Dawn over and over again, and if all else fails…run!

Checking her own weapons, Faith went over the plan again. It was depressingly simple as they didn’t know much about the interior of the temple of Sett that wasn’t rumour or guess work. Get in, try not to be seen, grab the girl and get out…simple. Faith sheathed her sword and caught a glimpse of her hand as she did so; steady as a rock she smiled to herself.

“Ready?” she asked Dawn.

“Cool,” Dawn nodded back.

“Okay let’s go!”

Wrapping their black cloaks around themselves, the two women climbed out of the window and made their way across the roofs towards the tower of Sett.

0=0=0=0

They made good time working their way from one roof to the next until; at last they climbed down into the gardens surrounding the tower. Sliding over the low wall that surrounded the compound, Dawn and Faith ran like wraiths through the gardens to flatten themselves against the base of the tower.

“I’ll climb the wall,” whispered Faith, “then drop the rope down to you.”

“No way!” hissed Dawn, she looked up at the tower, “I can climb that…easy.”

“Sure? Okay,” Faith nodded her acceptance of Dawn’s claim, “but we’ll still need the rope if we find the girl and…”

Just then two large figures appeared out of the shadows at the base of the tower, in an instant Faith and Dawn’s swords were in their hands.

“Crom im Himmel!” came a familiar voice.

“Jeez!” hissed Faith as she relaxed slightly, “Conan, is that you?”

“Faithie?” the big barbarian stumbled out of the dark, “Vot are you do-ink here?”

“Breaking in,” Faith confronted the big man hands on hips, “what the fuck do ya think I’m doing?”

“I don’t know,” the barbarian shrugged his massive shoulders, “I thought maybe you got religion or something.”

“Yeah, right,” scoffed Faith.

“Hi Conan,” Dawn stepped out of the darkness and waved to the barbarian.

“HEY DAWNIE!” a big grin split Conan’s face, “You want to try it again? I’ve been practising!”

“SHHH!” shushed Faith.

“EWW!” squealed Dawn.

Conan had been the man who had finally relieved Dawn of her virginity; okay so it’d been a bit hurried. Okay, there’d been loads of the evil bitch queen’s guards trying to get to her. Okay; it was either Conan or a knife across the throat. But that didn’t give the guy the right to keep asking for another ‘go’ every time they met.

“Who’s your friend?” Dawn gestured to the short guy with the bow standing behind Conan’s bulk.

“Oh him,” Conan turned and looked down at his companion, “that’s Subotia.”

Hearing his name the little guy stepped forward and bowed to Faith and Dawn.

“Subotia, archer!” he announced proudly.

“So where ya from, Subotia?” Faith asked.

“Don’t bother,” sighed Conan, “that’s all he says.”

“What?” frowned Faith.

“Ja,” Conan groaned, “it’s driving me MAD!”

“Shhhhhh!” Hissed Faith and Dawn.

“Guten morgen, I say,” muttered Conan angrily, “‘Subotia archer!’, he says. Do you want some tea? ‘Subotia archer!’ Menchen!”

“Hey, hey, calm down big guy,” Faith tried to calm the big barbarian down, “so, what ya here for?”

“The Eye of Sett,” Conan replied simply, “Big ruby, vurth a fortune.”

“Yeah, like we know,” Dawn called from the back of the group as she smiled and waved to the archer, he looked kinda cute.

“You after it too?” Conan wanted to know.

“Nah,” breathed Faith, “Mayor’s daughter,” she explained.

“Valuable?” Conan raised and eyebrow.

“Five hundred in gold each,” smiled Faith, “and a free pass outta the city.”

“So, you’re not after the ruby?” Conan confirmed.

“Nah,” Faith shook her head.

While this was going on Subotia had noticed Dawn’s smile and wave. He smiled back thinking she was quite pretty for one of these ‘large breasted’ western women; the round eyes didn’t make her look too hideously ugly…in fact she seemed quite nice, in a weird western sort of way. His smile got wider.

“Okay then,” Faith and Conan had come to an agreement, “you go for the ruby and we go for the girl. We back each other up as needed but otherwise we’re on separate jobs, agreed?”

“Agreed,” Conan and Faith shook on it.

“Y’know,” Faith started to prepare to climb the wall, “when this Salsa Dumb guy hears we’ve got both the ruby and the girl, he’s going to be mightily pissed at us.”

“THULSA DOOM!” Roared Conan.

“SHHHHH!” hissed everyone else.

“This is Thulsa Doom’s tower?” all the muscles in Conan’s face seemed to be twitching at once.

“I’m, like guessing you know him?” Dawn suggested.

“Know him?” gasped Conan, “KNOW HIM!?”

“SHHHHH!”

“He’s only the man who killed mien parents,” Conan explained in a fast whisper, “slaughtered everyone in mien village and sold mit into slavery!”

“That would be, like a ‘yes’ then?” Dawn asked.

“I haf sworn vengeance on the souls of mien dead mutie unt papa,” Conan’s voice was beginning to rise, “I vill hunt him down and crush the life out of the pig-dog-svine!”

“Okay then,” Faith glanced at Dawn and rolled her eyes, “nothing that can’t wait for another day or two then?”

0=0=0=0


	15. Chapter 15

4.

The arrow flew from Subotia’s bow and disappeared into the night sky, a long thread trailing behind it.

“Votch out!” cried Conan as the arrow reached the apex of it trajectory and started to fall back to earth.

The thread trailed over one of the snake heads that decorated the top of the tower. As the arrow fell to earth eager hands reached for the thread and started to pull. Up went the rope tied to the end of the thread and in only a few minutes the thieves had their climbing rope in place. Tugging on the rope Faith turned to her companions.

“I’ll go up first,” she set a foot against the base of the tower.

“Vhy?” queried Conan.

“Coz you’re too big,” explained Faith testily, “and it’s our rope, you didn’t even bring one!”

“Okay,” muttered Conan sounding a little like a five year old that’d been told off by his favourite aunty.

Disappearing up the rope Faith soon reached the top of the tower. Climbing into what looked like she imagined a bell tower would look like, she checked for guards. There were none, there were also no bells so what did these Sett people want with all these ropes and pulleys? She signalled for the rest of the party to join her, Conan appeared moments later grunting and groaning as he climbed over the edge of the tower.

“What’s wrong with ya?” Faith helped the big man into the tower.

“I stopped using der herbs for der muscles,” gasped Conan as he sat on the floor while he caught his breath. “Now all der girls like me, but the muscles not so much.”

To be honest Faith couldn’t see much of a change in the big guy, then a thought hit her; what did he mean by the girls all liking him? She’d have to check that out, but not now, they were in the middle of a kidnapping/robbery felony. Slinging his bow across his back, Subotia spat on his hands and started to climb the rope. He hadn’t meant to but he found himself looking up; he could see right up the girl’s leather skirt. He sighed with disappointment, she was wearing underwear. However, even with her long boots on Subotia could see she had good legs and it was obvious by the easy way she climbed the rope that she looked after herself.

Shaking his head sadly, Subotia wondered if a girl like that could be interested in a mere archer and thief like himself. There was the language barrier of course but the language of love would get around that he felt sure. He would have to find a way of impressing her because so far it seemed that apart from the smile and wave she’d hardly noticed him; she might just have been being friendly. On the other hand she might have been signalling her sexual availability…these westerners were inscrutable, he decided he would err on the side of caution. A moment later he found himself at the top of the tower, climbing in to the crowded chamber he found himself crouching next to the girl. He could almost feel the heat of her body through his clothes; he had to have her. He was in lust!

0=0=0=0

Listening carefully, Faith could hear music coming up from below, she frowned as she tried to puzzle out how the snake guys had stashed what sounded like a full orchestra into the tower. Starting to hum the tune Faith suddenly realised that it was the same tune that Queen Taramis had played when she was about to sacrifice Princess Jehnna to Dagoth…didn’t anyone know any other tunes?

“Vot now?” Conan whispered.

“Yeah, right,” Faith ran her hand through her hair, she looked up at the pulleys and ropes, “Hey, we’ll use these,” she caught hold of a rope, “an' slide down ‘til we find some stairs or something. You an' archer-guy can go look for the ruby while Dawn and me look for the girl, okay?” Everyone nodded. “Okay then lets go!”

Grabbing hold of the ropes the adventurers started to slide down into the tower proper; they’d not gone far when a handy ledge appeared. Stepping off the rope in turn the party found themselves at the top of a flight of wooden stairs. Drawing their swords they cautiously made their way further down into the tower until they hit stone work. So far there’d been no guards; the sound of music had now been augmented by low chanting coming from a couple of levels down. Peeping over the edge of the platform, Faith could just about see the heads of a crowd of worshippers standing around a large hole in the floor. The hole disappeared into darkness at the bottom of the tower.

“Ve vere told that der ruby vas in der basement,” Conan explained, “Subotia unt mit vill go on down unt look.”

“Okay,” nodded Faith, “we’ll meet back here, don’t take too long.”

Nodding, Conan gestured for Subotia to follow him; they headed on down a spiral staircase that appeared to be heading in the right direction. As he passed Dawn, Subotia gave her a polite smile and nod, his heart nearly burst with joy when she smiled back.

“He’s a happy little guy,” Dawn whispered as she came to crouch next to Faith.

“Who?” Faith being a little distracted turned to frown at Dawn.

“Sub-tie-guy,” smiled Dawn, “like, he’s always smiling.”

“Oriental thing,” Faith replied knowingly, “come on we gotta girl to kidnap.”

“Hey,” called Dawn as the crept along the platform to the next flight of stairs, “do we know what this girl looks like? Like, we don’t want to kidnap the wrong girl, that’d be totally stupid much.”

“Shit!” Faith came to a sudden halt, it was the one thing no one had mentioned, “Look, she turned to Dawn, “how difficult can it be?”

“Don’t know,” Dawn shrugged, “like, I’ve never kidnapped anyone before. I’ve always been the one being kidnapped.”

“Crap,” Faith shrugged her own shoulders, “we’ll work something out.”

When they got to the platform below they had a better view of what was going on below them. On one side of the hole was a crowd of worshippers dressed in long white robes. From where Faith and Dawn watched all the congregation looked like young attractive women. Standing on the other side of the hole was a long haired guy who looked like a chunkier version of ‘Lemmy’ from Motorhead. He was waving his arms about in no doubt mystical patterns while the invisible orchestra played on and the congregation chanted. Standing on a diving board affair over the hole stood a girl dressed in only a loin cloth, she swayed from side to side in time with the music. Faith shifted her position a little before pointing something out to Dawn.

“Look, behind the heavy-rock-band-guy,” Faith pointed to a dark passage behind the priest.

“You thinking, like the girl’s down there?” Dawn followed Faith’s pointing finger, “Totally, our luck!”

“What we need,” Faith turned to look at Dawn, “is some sort of diversion.”

0=0=0=0

Any moment now, thought Rexor, the girl will be ready to jump to her death. A sacrifice to the living god, Sett in the basement of the tower. The sacrifice took another step forward and bounced on the end of the sacrificial platform. He was just about to make the final magic sign that would send the sacrifice hurtling to her death; when the sight of a young woman sliding down a pole from the level above made him forget all about sacrifices for the moment.

0=0=0=0

Gross, thought Dawn as she came to a halt, holding pole between her legs in a most suggestive way. Bending at the knees she hung on to the pole with her hands and rubbed her crotch up and down the pole; this was worse than gross this was…words failed her. Dawn didn’t ‘do’ pole dancing, she was an ‘Exotic Dancer’ (when she wasn’t hitting people over their heads and stealing all their worldly goods). Exotic Dancing was an art form, or so she told herself, pole dancing was just thinly disguised pornography. Wrapping a leg around the pole, Dawn rubbed the pole between her breasts; the effect was spoilt a little by the way her chainmail clinked against the pole, however it did appear to have got everyone’s attention. Maybe she could do something interesting with the hilt of her sword?

“G-G-GUARDS! GUARDS!” Spluttered Rexor as he pointed at the woman, “KILL THE DEFILER!”

There was a scream from the congregation as they all turned to look at Dawn.

“Oh, crap!” muttered Dawn as she drew her sword.

Men in white robes and black leather armour appeared at the back of the congregation; they tried to push their way through to Dawn but were hampered by the worshippers who were advancing on the interloper intent on tearing her to pieces with their bare hands. Thrusting with her sword, Dawn brought down the first worshipper; backing away from the crowd she realised this was no time for finesse. Raising her blade she slashed at the first rank of screaming women. Her sword cut into up raised arms; severed fingers flew in all directions and blood squirted across the floor, walls and ceiling. As the first rank stopped in shock at their wounds, Dawn darted in and thrust with her blade bringing down two more of the congregation. Stumbling over the bodies of their fellow parishioners, the followers of Sett pressed forward trying to get at the unbeliever and send her to their god. At the back of the crowd the guards here forced to use the pommels of their swords to batter their way through to the infidel.

0=0=0=0

Sliding down a handy rope, Faith landed a few feet in front of the head-priest-rock-star-guy. Her sword already in her hand, she darted forward to spear the priest through the heart. To her shock, Faith watched as the priest grabbed one of his followers and interposed her body between himself and Faith’s blade. The woman died with a contented smile on her face and the priest turned tail and ran down the corridor behind him.

“FUCK!” Faith found herself being set upon by a group of screaming women.

Her sword rose and fell and very soon she was standing over the roughly butchered remains of half a dozen snake worshippers. Jumping over the bodies, she sprinted down the corridor after the priest. After only half a dozen paces she was brought up short by a massive iron bound wooden door; hurling herself at the door, its thick timbers creaked but it wouldn’t budge even at Faith’s slayer strength insistence.

“SHIT! FUCK! BASTARD!” Faith punched the door in frustration.

This plan was screwed; she turned to run down the corridor; she better get Dawn and the guys and get outta Dodge!

0=0=0=0

Positioning herself in a doorway, Dawn cut down another two worshippers. Looking over their heads she could just see the helmets of the guards. They were only a couple of ranks back now; the first one would be on her in a moment. Dawn knew she could take down the first one, but unless she could find some place where she could use her superior speed and agility they’d wear her down and she’d be screwed, literally and then tortured to death! Time to go. Dawn told herself as she backed up until she felt her back pressed against a door. As she cut down another worshipper Dawn searched desperately for the door handle. After a moment of panic she found it, she twisted the handle and pushed, the door remained shut.

“Freaking hell!” cursed Dawn, the guards were almost upon her now, “FAITH!” she screamed as loud as she could.

There was a roar from the back of the crowd and Dawn got a glimpse of a guard’s helmeted head spinning through the air and bouncing off the wall. The first guard appeared in front of her, seeing she was a woman he laughed thinking she would be easy prey.

“Sexist bastard!” snarled Dawn as she ducked under his swing and thrust her sword into the man's belly.

Blood gushed everywhere as the guard fell with a high pitched scream to the floor. Readying herself for her next opponent, Dawn noticed blood and limbs flying in all directions as someone cut their way towards her. The guards realising the new danger was behind them turned to face their attacker. Taking advantage of the confusion Dawn struck again hamstringing a guard as he tried to decide which way to face. Pushing herself through the doorway out onto the platform again, Dawn saw who her rescuers were. Conan swept his long sword in a great arc cutting down guards like wheat to the scythe while Subotia pinned others to the wall with arrows shot from his powerful bow. Dawn grinned in relief and wiped some of the blood from her face; a thought struck her, where was Faith?

0=0=0=0

Having bumped into Conan and his archer guy, Faith had sent them to get Dawn; she’d found something interesting and needed to get to the bottom of it before they left.

“You!” she grabbed an old priest guy my the throat and lifted him off the floor and holding him against the wall. “Where’s the mayor’s daughter?”

“W-Where you’ll n-never f-find her!” gasped the priest as he clawed ineffectually at Faith’s hand.

“Clue me in,” Faith pricked the guy under his chin with the point of her sword, “NOW!”

“AAAGH!” screamed the priest, his eyes darting from one side to the other looking for someone to rescue him.

“TALK!” Faith pressed on her sword and watched as a trickle of blood oozed over her hand from the priest’s neck.

“S-She’s b-been t-taken t-to T-Thulsa D-Doom’s s-stronghold in the m-mountains,” stammered the priest, “S-She is t-to b-be h-his wife!”

“Fuck!” Faith let the priest fall to the floor, now they’d have to search the mountains, “Gods damn-it!”

Taking a step back from the priest, Faith swung her sword and took the man’s head off in one swipe. Leaving the dead priest behind her she turned to where Dawn, Conan and Subotia stood over a pile of dead guards.

“Dawn!” cried Faith seeing her friend standing covered in blood, “You okay?”

“Sure,” Dawn waved offhandedly, “what’s a little pole dancing and mass slaughter before bedtime?”

“I won’t tell Buffy if you don’t,” Faith stepped forward and hugged Dawn; she wasn’t big on hugging but with Dawn it was different, she was like a sister.

“Deal,” Dawn returned Faith’s hug before asking; “What’s the what? No Mayor’s daughter?”

“No,” Faith turned and started to lead everyone back the way they’d come in, “she’s been taken to some castle place up in the mountains.”

“Ve must go after her!” rumbled Conan, “Ve must kill Thulsa Doom!”

“Yeah sure, why not?” Faith agreed hastily, she had a feeling she’d need all the help she could get.

0=0=0=0

Eyeing the blood spattered girl appreciatively, Subotia realised that this was the girl for him. He had to find away to win her heart, he’d shot off all his arrows helping to save her from the guards (whoever they were) but he felt he needed to do something special, something more personal to make her really notice him. A candle lit above his head as the idea came to his mind. He would discover who her greatest foe was and present her with his head! Also it might be an idea to find out what her name was.

0=0=0=0

Feeling the archer’s eyes on her, Dawn brushed blood splattered hair from her blood splattered face with a bloodstained hand. ‘Oh, my, god!’ she thought, she must look like a rat that had been drowned in blood! Dawn started to wonder if this Subotia guy was watching her because she looked like a mess or because he liked her. Next time she saw him she’d try to look more alluring; even if she had to stay up all night getting the blood off her gear. Oh well, she thought looking at the bloodstains, they said it was good for the complexion.

0=0=0=0

Climbing down the rope into the gardens below, Faith tried to think of all the stuff they’d need to find this Thulsa Doom asshole; and where would she find him? She sighed as her feet touched the ground, thank god she had Dawn. Dawn knew stuff, she’d gone to school, she’d read books and things, she’d know what to do. Feeling as if a great weight had been lifted from her shoulders, Faith ran across the gardens towards the low wall that separated the temple grounds from the street. Glancing at Conan, Faith started to wonder again what he’d meant by saying that the girl’s liked him more now.

0=0=0=0

Running over to join Faith, several things went through Conan’s skull, bounced off the other side and ricocheted around his head. Beer, girls and sausages, these were the best things in life and now he had the Eye of Sett he could afford plenty of all three!

0=0=0=0


	16. Chapter 16

5.

The riders reached the small town of Kaddosh, on the backs of the mighty River Nodpoj, just before sunset. They had ridden east all day towards the Nalog Heights where Thulsa Doom was said to have his stronghold. As they’d passed through the fertile plain below the heights they’d come across small groups of the Followers of Sett heading towards the heights. When questioned as to the location of Doom’s stronghold his ragged disciples could only tell them that Sett lived at the top of the heights and would show them the way. Forgoing the pleasure of slaughtering the dirty, smelly, happy-clappy followers of the snake god, our intrepid heroes rode on towards the east. Eventually when they rode into the town of Kaddosh they found it a hive of activity, men ran up and down the narrow dusty streets; some carried bows others spears and shields. Stopping a man who was hurrying towards the centre of the town Faith asked him what was going on.

“It’s those bastards from Quaddash!” he spoke bitterly and clutched his spear all the more tightly.

“What about ‘em,” Faith encouraged the man to explain.

“The fuckers came into town this morning while all the men were out fishing,” he snarled full of hate, “and stole all our freshly baked loaves and all the salt fish we had in store.”

Our heroes exchanged looks; this was serious something like this could destroy a community.

“Vhy?” Conan subconsciously reached for his sword.

“It’s these Settees,” shrugged the man, “the Quaddashers claim five thousand of the sods came and camped outside their town. They say the Settees were going to burn the town down if they weren’t given food.”

“Sounds like you and the Quaddasher people should be, like, fighting the Settees,” observed Dawn, “not each other.”

“I don’t know about that,” shrugged the townsman, “if you want to join in see Mayor Qayyafa in the town square.”

The man turned and trotted off up the street.

0=0=0=0

Riding into the square our heroes were hit by a wall of noise and smells. Men and women shouted as they called to one another. Bands of armed men marched and counter-marched across the square in small untidy groups as their leaders shouted orders which they’d just read from the rolls of parchment they held in their hands. The air was heavy with the smell of fresh baked bread and roasting meat plus the less appetising smells of fear and human waste. Seeing the mounted warriors several well dressed older men approached them, their leader pushed himself to the front of the group and smiled amiably up at them.

“Welcome! Welcome!” cried the man holding his arms open wide, “I am Qayyafa mayor of Kaddosh…have you come to help us in our fight against the evil Quaddashers and their friends the Followers of Sett?”

“Ve are no friends of der got Sett,” Conan spoke before anyone else could.

“Yeah,” Faith pushed her horse forward in front of Conan’s before he could say anything else, “we might be persuaded.”

“What can I say?” Qayyafa shrugged and looked around at his fellow town councilmen, “We are but a poor town,” he went into what was obviously a well rehearsed speech. “We are beset on all sides by enemies the Quaddashers are the worst. Everyday when the women go to bathe they come down and piss in the river. This theft of our food store is only the latest of many insults to the peaceful people of Kaddosh.”

“Yeah, okay,” Faith raised a hand to cover the smirk that spread across her face, she’d heard this sort of thing all too often, “we’re mercenaries, what can ya pay us?”

Conan shot Faith a dirty look; it appeared he was ready to fight for free just to have a chance to get at the Settees.

“We are a poor town,” wailed the mayor; Faith ran her eyes over the councilmen’s clothes, he seemed to be doing alright, but she kept her own counsel. “We have little to give such obviously brave and hopefully bloodthirsty warriors such as yourselves,” the mayor gave his councilmen a crafty look. “How does food and lodgings for the night and all of the loot you can carry sound?”

“DONE!” cried Conan before Faith could speak.

Looking at Conan, Faith shrugged her shoulders resignedly. The big guy obviously had issues with this Sett god and Thulsa Doom; after all, hadn’t he killed Conan’s family and everyone he knew. Just because Faith’s family history wasn’t that rosy didn’t mean that Conan’s was the same. Anyway, she sighed to herself as they were led to a stable, Dawn had mentioned their finances were a bit low so a little loot and a free meal or two were always welcome.

0=0=0=0

After stabling their horses and dumping their gear in a couple of rooms at a local tavern, Faith and Dawn walked around the square to see what the town had to offer. There seemed to be plenty of wine being given away (the town was paying so everyone was taking full advantage). A cow was being roasted over a great fire in the middle of the square along with a few sheep, goats and swine; it looked like every taste was being catered for (other than fish of course). The entire set up was more like a massive barbecue than the night before a battle.

“Try the famous Windie Burger!” came a cry from further down the line of stalls that Faith and Dawn were passing along.

Sniffing, Faith headed off through the crowd with Dawn trailing behind her. Pushing to the front of the crowd Faith stopped at a stall where a large friendly looking woman was cooking meat patties and placing them on small round loaves. Faith’s mouth watered as her eyes fell on jars of pickles and bowls of cut up vegetables.

“What’s the largest burger you do?” she asked catching the woman’s eye.

“Oh! My dear,” cried the woman smiling at Faith, “that’d be the King of Burgers.”

“Yeah, give me two!” Automatically Faith reached for her purse.

“No need for that,” called Windie as she placed two patties and a pile of pickles and garnish between the halves of a large bun, “the town’s paying tonight.”

After wrapping the burgers in large green leaves the woman handed them to Faith and Dawn. Faith bit into hers hungrily and savoured the flavours that exploded in her mouth. At last, she thought, her quest for a decent burger was over and she’d finished her own before Dawn had eaten half of hers.

“Here,” Dawn handed Faith the half eaten burger, “like, it’s too much for me at one go, you finish it.”

Faith took the offered burger and devoured it greedily.

0=0=0=0

Watching with ill concealed boredom, Dawn sipped her wine and sighed. The town’s people had settled down after the evening’s earlier more warlike activities and were now sitting and standing around the square watching the ‘entertainment’. The so-called entertainment had so far consisted of, a bunch of rather scary clowns (were there any other type?), a very bad magician and now as if to add insult to injury a troupe of dancers who all appeared to have two left feet. Throughout all these ‘amusements’ the music had been supplied by a small group of enthusiastic but inept local musicians. Finally Dawn could take it no more putting down her wine she stood up before starting to strip off her more warlike garb.

“Hey,” Faith turned to watch as Dawn struggled with one of her boots, “ya going to show these assholes how it’s done?”

“Like, totally, yeah!” Dawn’s boot came off with an almost audible ‘pop!’.

Standing bare footed and dressed in just her fur bikini, Dawn searched through her money purse until she pulled forth a sapphire and ‘screwed’ it into her navel.

“Right,” she sighed, “here we go!”

As she marched over to where the musicians sat the crowd stopped there sporadic applause of the dance troupe and started to mutter amongst themselves, they could tell something new and exciting was about to happen. After exchanging a few words with the leader of the band, Dawn strutted into the middle of the performance area as the group struck up a simple tune with a strong rhythm, something that even they couldn’t screw up.

Watching as Dawn went into one of her older dance routines, Faith knew exactly what would happen; the routine would start off slowly and speed up until Dawn had whipped the crowd into a frenzy and then with a final flourish she’d stop to, hopefully, rapturous applause. Faith had seen it all before so she turned to Conan who was sitting staring morosely into his wine.

“What’s up with ya?” she gave Conan a playful push, the big barbarian sighed and glanced at her out of the corner of his eye.

“I vas just vondering how mien life might be if that bastard Doom hadn’t killed mien Mutter und Vater,” he sighed and took a mouthful of wine.

“Yeah,” agreed Faith she often wondered what her life would have been like if she’d not been a slayer; nothing good most likely.

“I vonder if I’d have been der village blacksmith like Vater,” Conan gazed unseeingly to where Dawn danced, “or vould I haf left mien home unt gone a-roving?”

“Know what you mean big guy,” Faith watched as Dawn undulated suggestively in the middle of the square, “y’know, back in my slayer days I was so jealous of Buffy and her friends, how she had nice things and a nice house and a cool mom.”

Conan nodded his head in agreement.

“I’d walk back to some dreary, smelly little motel room after a slay,” she took a drink of wine and gauged the audience’s reaction to Dawn; the girl seemed to be going down well. “Anyway, where was I?”

“Motel room,” Conan prompted, he didn’t know the precise meaning of Faith’s words but he thought he could see what she meant by them.

“Yeah, yeah, right, motel room,” Faith looked at the wine, it must be stronger than she’d thought. “Right, yeah, all my life I've been alone. Loads of times I've faced death with no one to know. I would look into the people’s houses in the coldest dark and I would see ‘em screwing. But I’d always pass by and think…‘Hey you bastards! Don’t you know I’m out here risking my fucking life for ya ungrateful assholes?’”

“Fuck ‘em,” agreed Conan with a nod of his head, “fuck ‘em all.”

“Yeah,” noticing that Dawn was coming to the end of her dance Faith rested her head against Conan’s arm; maybe it was the wine, maybe it was the loneliness, but she was finding herself softening towards the big lug. “Yeah, I’d get real pissed with the world then I’d go out and kill something…made me feel better, y’know?”

“Ja,” agreed Conan solemnly, he turned to look Faith in the eye, “you fancy a shag then?”

“Yeah,” Faith got unsteadily to her feet, “why not? Your place or mine?”

0=0=0=0

Hardly noticing Conan and Faith leaving, Subotia applauded enthusiastically with just about everyone else in the square as Dawn came to the ‘climax’ of her dance. He found himself wondering whether there was any end to this girl’s talents. In his own land she’d be worth a hundred…no…two hundred horses! How would he get such an accomplished warrior, thief and dancer to couple with him? He shook his head in sorrow…’never’ was the answer, he sighed sadly and looked into the bottom of his wine cup, he might as well go and get drunk. Looking up again he watched as Dawn took her bow and gathered up the coins that were being thrown at her feet. Skipping over to where Subotia sat miserably looking into his cup she dumped the coins on the bench, picked up her own wine and drank deeply. Dawn was still breathing heavily and Subotia found his eyes drawn towards her breasts as they rose and fell.

“Not a bad haul for such a small place,” Dawn grinned as she counted the money, of course she knew the archer didn’t understand her but she wanted to talk and Faith had disappeared.

Subotia mumbled something in his own language.

“Where’s Faith and Conan?” she asked before answering her own question, “Bet she’d riding him rough and hard…lucky bitch!”

Staring into Dawn’s eyes Subotia poured out his longing and undying love for her, he knew that she wouldn’t understand a word but he couldn’t leave it unsaid for a moment longer.

“Um, yeah,” Dawn smiled regretfully at the archer, “I’m sure that was like, totally cool and nice but I’ve no idea what you said.”

“Excuse me, lady of the gyrating hips.”

Dawn turned to see an older man with one eye lean towards her.

“When I was younger I travelled in the east and I understand a little of what your companion said.”

“You do!?” Dawn was all ears, “Like that’s totally awesome…what did he say?”

“I only understood some of it,” cautioned the old guy, “but the gist of it was; he says you are worth two hundred horses, at least…”

“I am?” Dawn didn’t know whether to feel flattered or not being compared to horses.

“Oh yes,” nodded one eye, “normally you can buy a woman for one, maybe two horses.”

“Awesome,” sighed Dawn before asking, “what else, what else?”

“He says that his love for you is bigger than a mountain and wider than the steppe…” the old guy paused unsure of himself.

“Yeah?” gasped Dawn excitedly, “Go on, that’s wicked, what else did he say?”

“I’m not positive,” the old guy said slowly, “but I think he wants to shoot his arrows into you.”

“Arrows?” Dawn gave Subotia an uncertain look.

“I think its one of those euphemisms,” the old guy clarified before disappearing off into the crowd.

“Arrows?” frowned Dawn, she looked at Subotia who looked back at her hopefully; suddenly the penny dropped, “Oh! Arrows!”

Dawn was just on the verge of refusing Subotia’s offer when a thought hit her. Why shouldn’t she have a little fun? Faith and Conan were probably doing the dirty tango right this minute. What was she supposed to do, spend the rest of her life living like a nun? There was no Buffy to get in the way and spoil things, Faith might mutter and bitch for a day or two but she wouldn’t really mean it…and he was kinda cute. Although calling a guy from a warrior culture ‘cute’ might not be the best of ideas, plus it wasn’t as if he was going to tell anyone. Well, he could but no one was likely to understand what he said and getting a reputation as queen of slut-town on the high steppes didn’t really bother her. Jumping to her feet, Dawn grabbed hold of Subotia’s hand and pulled him upright.

“Come on,” she started to drag him through the crowd towards the stable where the horses where, “I think we need to check on the horses, like, y’know what I mean?”

By the look on Subotia’s face maybe he didn’t, Dawn felt sure he’d soon get the idea.

“Whatever…” she muttered as they crossed the square towards the stables.

0=0=0=0

“Jeez, Conan,” gasped Faith in surprise as she sat astride Conan, “you’re so big!”

0=0=0=0

“Like, oh god!” squeaked Dawn, “OH GOD!” she gasped again, “Totally, **OH! GOD!** ”

0=0=0=0

“MAW-HA-HA!” laughed the old one-eyed wizard as he looked down on the town from the back of his giant eagle. “Did you really think a minor inconvenience like death would stop me from getting my revenge!?”

0=0=0=0


	17. Chapter 17

6.

The following morning a couple of hours after dawn the military might of Kaddosh marched off in the general direction of Quaddash. Along with them rode Faith, Dawn, Conan and Subotia. Faith and Dawn rode side by side somewhere near the centre of the column, Dawn fidgeted in her saddle.

“What’s wrong with you?” Faith looked over to her companion, “Got crabs or something?”

“Crabs?” Dawn frowned, “Oh! No…no, just a bit sore this morning.”

Christ! Dawn forced herself to sit still in her saddle, sore was an understatement for what she felt…but it’d been worth it, she looked away from Faith and smiled at the memory. Gods, they’d been at it all night, she yawned, that guy was a machine or something (not that she had much…any previous experience to go on). A worrying thought struck her; what if he was actually a machine? Knowing the way her life worked out it was something she had to consider. She turned in her saddle and smiled at Subotia, he smiled back and she nearly exploded with joy!

Nodding to herself Faith had a good idea why Dawn was feeling so ‘sore’, it was probably the same reason she was feeling so…contented? Of course the thing with Conan wasn’t going to go anywhere. They were too alike and they’d just end up killing each other if they tried to make more of it than there actually was; best keep it to just casual sex every now and then.

Scratching his head, Subotia quickly flicked away the piece of straw he’d found. By all the gods of the four winds, he sighed, that girl was…enthusiastic? And bendy? For a moment he imagined her firm subtle body again his and smiled wistfully. He may well have underestimated her worth; two hundred horses? Phah! Four hundred at the very least! If he could get her back to the steppe and sell her he’d be set up for life, it was very tempting. But maybe he’d keep her all for himself. He watched as the girl turned in her saddle and smiled at him, he smiled back…he should really have asked the old one-eyed man what her name was.

Riding along at the back of the little group Conan thought deeply about the things he really cared about; beer…girls…sausages…and killing Thulsa Doom!

0=0=0=0

It was at about mid-morning when the army of Kaddosh came in sight of Quaddash. The little town looked to be a twin of Kaddosh, Faith had half expected something more…more sinister? To hear the way the Kaddoshers talked about Quaddash you’d think that it was some great den of sin and iniquity with people lying with animals one upon another right there in the streets. Faith didn’t see any evidence of weird sexual practices, what she did see was the army of Quaddash lined up to meet them.

The Kaddoshers quickly formed a shieldwall, their spears sticking out at all angles but generally in the direction of the enemy. Groups of archers took up positions on the flanks with the few mounted men the town possessed. Looking out over the opposing army Faith noted that their deployment was exactly the same as their own and the numbers looked about even. Our heroes sat astride their horses behind the centre of the main battle line. Just as they were wondering what they were supposed to do there was a great and un-tuneful blowing of trumpets and banging of symbols and drums. The two armies started to shuffle towards each other, when they were about fifty yards apart they stopped and silence fell over the two hosts.

“Like, what’s going on?” asked Dawn nervously; although she’d been in many fights she’d not actually been in a battle before.

“Don’t know,” Faith shrugged her shoulders, she turned to Conan, “Hey, big guy, y’know what the fucks goin’ on?”

“I think they’re vaiting for something,” rumbled Conan; he was worried that he couldn’t see any sign of the followers of Sett, maybe they’d already moved on?

“Yeah, right,” Faith rolled her eyes, “I can see they’re waiting for something f’christ’s sake, but what?”

“Yikes!” squeaked Dawn as she pointed, “Maybe that!”

Pushing through the ranks of the Quaddasher army came a mountain of a man; an eight-foot tall barbarian with a hugely exaggerated, muscular physique and a very small head; dressed in large furry boots and a fur jock strap. He looked very much like Conan…only bigger. On his head he wore a horned helmet and in his hands he carried a huge double bladed axe. As he pushed his way clear of the opposing shieldwall the Quaddashers sent up a great cheer as the giant struck a heroic pose and rippled his muscles. In the face of this new menace the Kaddoshers groaned in despair, shoulders slumped and spear points drooped towards the ground, they were beaten before the battle had even begun.

“Fuck,” gasped Faith, “he’s big!”

“Crom!” whispered Conan.

“I think I need the bathroom,” Dawn informed everyone.

Subotia spoke rapidly in his own tongue; it could have been an expression of fear, surprise or defiance, it might just have been a string of expletives, no one would ever know.

“So what do we do now?” Faith asked no one in particular, “do we fight this guy?”

“Listen,” Conan gestured towards the outsize warrior, “I think he’s going to say something.”

“BY THE SACRED JOCKSTRAP OF T’REEBOR WARHOD,” roared the giant, “I CHALLENGE ANY ONE OF YOU DOGS TO SINGLE COMBAT!”

“Eeep!” eeped Dawn. 

“He’s not so big,” Faith reached for her sword, “not really.”

“I haf just remembered,” Conan muttered, “I haf der appointment vith mien dentist!”

Subotia looked at one of his arrows then at the giant and shook his head.

The sound of hoof beats coming from behind them made the group turn; they saw Mayor Qayyafa sitting his horse dressed in fine bronze armour and carrying a lance, he smiled.

“I know what you’re all thinking,” he told them conversationally, “that,” he pointed at the monster who was slicing the air into neat strips with his axe, “is Thrud the Barbarian!”

“Who!?” chorused Faith, Dawn and Conan. 

Subotia didn’t really know what the hell was going on so he kept silent. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, as his dear old granny had told him, than open your mouth and prove it.

“Thrud the Barbarian,” repeated the mayor with a smile, “endowed with the intelligence of a garden snail,” continued the mayor still smiling, “he engages in acts of mindless slaughter…he’s sort of Quaddash’s secret weapon…but as everyone knows about him he’s not so much of a secret…just a weapon.”

The mayor’s smile got wider.

“You want one of us to fight him,” Faith had more or less convinced herself that she could slay the bastard; he was no bigger than some of the demons she’d fought and he looked about as stupid.

“Well yes and no,” smiled the mayor.

Faith gave the smiling idiot a puzzled frown as she considered whether she should just cut the asshole down and make a run for it or…or, well, kill the barbarian; one way or another someone was going to die.

In the end she settled for a heartfelt; “Huh?”

“Well, exactly,” the mayor stopped smiling for a moment and put on a serious face. “You see there comes a point, in every war, where what is needed is a brave but ultimately futile gesture to stiffen the hearts of men, put fire in their belly’s and fill them with a righteous anger…or failing that…shame.”

Faith started to reconsider her options; maybe she’d just kill this asshole.

“What is needed here is for someone,” the mayor’s eyes started to drift towards Dawn, “who is so outclassed by that monster that she would have no hope of killing him. Who’s selfless act of, ultimately pointless courage would act as a shining beacon and hopefully get this useless rabble so angry that they’ll fight for once and maybe even win!”

“Oh! You are so dead,” Faith pushed her horse forward as she started to pull her sword from its sheath; it was only then that she noticed the thirty or so archers standing behind the mayor, arrows notched and ready to shoot.

“Fuck,” swore Faith, sword half out of its sheath, she was really getting pissed at this sort of thing.

Okay, she was the slayer, she was fast, strong and drop dead gorgeous; but even she couldn’t dodge that many arrows, not for long anyway. First chance she had she was going to get herself a shield. One of those big round bronze hop-a-long ones that the Geeks used.

“There,” the smile was back on the mayor’s face, “I knew you’d see sense.”

The mayor rode over to stand next to Dawn.

“There you are my dear,” he said quietly, “you know I don’t think its certain death. After all you’re small and nimble, he’s large and slow…”

“Eeep!” Dawn squeaked quietly.

“No…no, you’re probably right,” nodded the mayor, “certain death awaits. But, look on the bright side, your name will live forever! By the way, I think its best if you leave your horse…no need for the poor animal to die as well.”

Giving Faith a helpless, pleading look, Dawn climbed down from her horse. Standing for a moment she adjusted her armour and weapons before pushing her way towards the front of the army.

“Here goes the last of the Summers sisters,” she told herself quietly, “like, well, maybe.”

Dawn started to sing the verse of the ‘Faith the Buff Barbarian Song’ that she’d made up just for herself.

_“In short, when I can tell you how I break the laws of gravity,  
And why my clothes expose my intermammary concavity,  
And why I’ve changed my dress from one that fits more comfily  
To one that shows my omphalos, as cute as that of Omphale,  
Now I've got my armour, which really is quite silly, on  
It's cut so low in front I look like the topless tow'rs of Ilion,  
And isn't any use against attackers Sagittarian._

Spearmen glanced behind themselves as they heard her approach and opened their ranks to let her through. Dawn burst out into the clear area between the armies just as she came to the last line of her song.

 _“I AM THE VERY MODEL OF A HEROINE BARBARIAN!”_ she cried defiantly.

It was at this point that Dawn realised she was going to win; she had, as the saying went, a cunning plan.

0=0=0=0

Standing about ten feet away from the barbarian, Dawn looked up and up and up. Somewhere just below the clouds she could make out the barbarian’s tiny head; he didn’t seem to have noticed her yet.

“Hey!” Dawn cried trying to attract the giant's attention, it worked.

“Huh?” the barbarian looked down at her like a great big puzzled big thing, “Are you the best these cowards could manage?”

“Yeah,” Dawn replied with all the bravado she could manage, “like, what can I say? The best things come in totally small packages.”

“HA-HA!” laughed the barbarian, the sound of his laughter made the ground shake, “Oh well, little girl,” he picked up his enormous axe and hefted it in his hands, “you have spirit, pity its going to be parted from your body so soon. I’d have preferred to have made merry sport with you, but… Say your prayers before I kill you,” he raised his axe.

“Hold on there, big guy,” Dawn took a step away from the mountainous man, “who says you need to kill me?”

“Huh?” the barbarian lowered his axe…a little.

“Look,” Dawn produced the Heart of Araman from the pouch on her belt and held it up for the barbarian to see, “look at the pretty diamond,” she called enticingly, “you can have it if you don’t kill me.”

The barbarian was momentarily mesmerised by the sparkling gem in Dawn’s hand; he shook his head like a horse getting rid of an annoying fly.

“Ha!” laughed Thrud, “What if I kill you and take the pretty stone anyway?”

This guy obviously wasn’t as stupid as he looked, almost, but not quite.

“Oh dear,” said Dawn in a display of such bad acting it would have got her booed off the stage of even the worst village play, “I didn’t think of that…here! CATCH!”

Dawn threw the stone, Thrud dropped his axe and instinctively grabbed for the egg sized diamond. As his great sausage like fingers closed around the jewel there was a *BANG!* followed by a flash. Thrud’s axe fell to the ground like a felled tree as a cloud of greasy smoke rose from his empty boots. His jockstrap fell to ground some yards away and his helmet landed at Dawn’s feet; of Thrud there was no sign.

A great cry of triumph rose from the throats of the Kaddosh army as a cry of despair arose from the Quaddashers. Moments later the Kaddosh shieldwall swept forward, knocking Dawn to the ground in their eagerness to get at the fleeing Quaddashers. This wasn’t going to be a battle it was going to be a massacre. 

Jumping from her horse Faith rushed over to help Dawn up from the neat Dawn shaped hole in the ground.

“What the fuck?” Faith hugged Dawn relieved that the girl was still in one piece, “You okay?”

“Yeah,” grinned Dawn as she stood unsteadily holding on to Faith.

“What, the fuck, did you do?” Faith started to brush the dust from Dawn and straighten her clothes.

“The Heart of Araman,” gasped Dawn trying to fend off Faith's mothering, “I told you a girl could never have enough diamonds!”

The Heart of Araman; had come into Dawn and Faith’s possession when they were working for the late Queen Taramis of Arymlap. Originally the Heart could only be touched by a virgin. However, after it had been used to open a magic statue thing to get another magic thing it had changed. Now it was safe for any woman to touch, virgin or not; but should a man touch it…well you only had to ask Thrud…not that you actually could of course.

Turning away from Dawn, Faith saw Conan examining one of Thrud’s boots; he dropped the boot and bent to pick something up.

“NO!” cried the two women in unison, Conan froze in mid reach.

Faith ran over and retrieved the Heart and gave it back to Dawn, who wiped off the dust and slipped it back into her pouch.

“Totally, like Monty Python’s Holy Hand Grenade,” she smiled.

“Whatever,” Faith looked towards the two armies as they disappeared towards Quaddash, “I’ve gotta see a politician about something,” she remounted her horse, “and we better get some loot.”

Conan frowned, he wanted to get after the followers of Sett and bring his vengeance down on Thulsa Doom.

“Hey, Conan,” Faith called from the back of her horse, “if we’re gonna get this Doom guy, we’re gonna need stuff so lets go!”

Reluctantly Conan climbed aboard his horse and rode after Faith leaving Dawn with a bemused Subotia. Staggering a little Dawn fell conveniently into Subotia’s arms. He caught her easily and kissed her tenderly on the lips. Breaking away for a moment Dawn looked around, there was a clump of bushes a few yards away that hadn’t been flattened by the advancing armies. Making a sign with the index finger of one hand and the thumb and index finger of the other she nodded towards the bushes. Even someone as slow as Thrud would have got the message. Grabbing a blanket from Subotia’s horse they rushed over to the bushes and disappeared from view.

0=0=0=0

“Curses!” Toth-Amon the one eyed old wizard sat astride his giant eagle, “that didn’t work out quite as I planned!”

Who’d have thought the silly barbarian dancing girl would have had the wit to keep the Heart of Araman and work out how to use it.

“Next time,” cried Toth-Amon to the skies, “next time you shall pay! MAW-HA-HA!”

0=0=0=0


	18. Chapter 18

7.

Tracking the followers of Sett wasn’t actually that difficult. The group that’d instigated the recent round of hostilities between Kaddosh and Quaddash appeared to be travelling in half a dozen smaller groups each several hundred members strong. They headed slightly east of north-east towards the Nalog Heights; in their wake they left a trail of destruction with farms and villages stripped of food and livestock. The local inhabitants were either forced to join the exodus or escape south to an uncertain future. Riding after the Settees, Faith watched as Subotia scouted a few hundred yards ahead while Conan rode along silently lost in his own thoughts of revenge. Faith was glad when Dawn urged her horse forward to ride beside her and talk. However, what Dawn wanted to talk about left her questioning her own motives.

“Hey,” Dawn reined in her horse next to Faith's.

“Hey y’self,” replied Faith with a quick smile.

The two women rode on for awhile in silence, it was obvious to any outside observer that Dawn wanted to say something but wasn’t sure how to start. Eventually the younger woman screwed up her courage and burst out with a question.

“Do you think what we’re doing is, like, right?” there she’d said it.

“Yeah,” Faith’s eyebrows came together in a frown as she turned to look at Dawn, “we’re going to rescue the mayor’s daughter, remember?”

“No…no I don’t mean that,” Dawn shook her head, “that’s totally great and we’re getting, like, paid. It’s like the other stuff.”

“Other stuff?” queried Faith.

“Yeah, you know,” Dawn hesitated for a moment, “like hitting people over the head and totally stealing their stuff?”

“Hey,” Faith held up her hands defensively, “a girl has to make a living, y’know?”

“Yeah, I know,” agreed Dawn, “but do we really have to rob, steal and kill. I killed a guy yesterday and I don’t feel bad about it. I, like, killed those people in the temple, I didn’t even think there might've been another way…”

“Hey,” Faith turned to look across the once neat fields, “it was us or them.”

“I know,” Dawn looked at her horse’s neck, “but why do we, like keep finding ourselves in situations were its, totally, ‘us or them’? We can’t go on like this forever; looting and robbing, one day our luck will totally run out…what do we do when we’re wicked old, what do we do then?”

Riding on in silence, Faith thought over what Dawn had said, she was right of course. Faith never thought much about the future; she’d been ‘the slayer’ and slayers didn’t last long. What was the point in planning for a future that you weren’t going to have? But now…but now in this world the rules were different. In this world, okay there were vamps and monsters but there were also more people willing and capable to deal. Look at Conan; he’d killed more than a few monsters in his time, dealt with a few evil wizards even with his phobia about magic. No, in the here and now there was a good chance that she could live well into old age, barring accident or a sword through the heart. The future was something Faith was unused to dealing with, and like most things she didn’t want to deal with she tried to ignore it. Plus, while she was thinking about stuff, there was something at the back of her mind that she couldn’t quite put her finger on. Something important, out of place even. It was like that feeling you get when you think you’ve forgotten something but can’t think what…something really, really vital.

“I don’t know,” Faith replied after a long pause, she looked at Dawn for a moment. “Look, once we get the mayor’s kid back we’ll talk about it, okay?”

“Okay,” agreed Dawn. 

Just then Subotia galloped back to the group gibbering urgently in his own language and pointing towards a low ridgeline a few hundred yards to their front.

0=0=0=0

Cantering forward they soon made it to the crest of the ridge where they reined in their horses at the sight that greeted their eyes.

“Crom!” whispered Conan.

“Ouch!” frowned Faith.

Subotia wiggled his eyebrows and smirked at Dawn.

“Ewww!” gasped Dawn at Subotia’s unspoken suggestion.

“What city is that?” Faith dragged her eyes away from the scene in front of her.

“Sodom,” replied Conan absently, not really believing what he was seeing.

“Hey there's no need to...” Faith shut up before she made a fool of herself.

The city was a little larger than most in this area, its walls looked stout and high; it seemed obvious what had happened here.

The Settees had no doubt approached the city gates demanding food and water. The Sodomites had immediately shut their gates and called out their troops. The Sodomite army, ably assisted by the city’s population had quickly counter-attacked before the Settees could properly invest the city. There was probably a back passage that allowed the Sodomites to leave their city unseen.

“They obviously forgot that great rule of varfare in these parts,” announced Conan with a smirk.

“What’s that?” Faith watched fascinated as the Sodomites dispensed their own, peculiar, form of justice on the Settees who’d not managed to get away in time.

“Never let a Sodomite army get behind you,” how Conan kept a straight face Dawn couldn’t guess.

“Yeah,” agreed Dawn, “like, it’s well known, once the Sodomites get behind you, you’re totally buggered!”

“Yeah,” nodded Faith, “I can see that, and those heavy concussive weapons they all seem to carry…”

“Profitable too,” Dawn returned Faith’s puzzled look, “well, like, you never know what you might find down the back of a Settee!”

Laughing rather uncharitably at the torment of the Settee prisoners of war, our band of heroes turned their horses’ heads towards the Nalog Heights and galloped off into the distance.

0=0=0=0

On they rode all day until by late afternoon they found themselves at the foot of the Heights. In the distance they could see large groups of the Followers of Sett making their way towards the heights and up the steep tracks that led to the plateau above. Thinking that they might accidentally bump into one of the bands of pilgrims in the dark; our heroes decided to make camp on a secluded natural platform half way up the wall of the escarpment. After the usual camp chores the adventures turned in for the night in preparation for an early start the following morning. 

With her legs wrapped tightly around Conan’s waist, Faith felt her climax start to build, she gasped out loud as she realised what it was she’d forgotten. All day long after the incident at Sodom the feeling she’d forgotten something had got stronger and stronger; she’d eventually got so distracted that she’d almost told Conan to ‘get lost’ when he’d slid his hand between her legs.

“ **NO!** ” Faith yelled as she pushed on his shoulders and sent him flying through the air to land in a heap a little too close to the edge of the platform for his comfort.

“Crom im Himmel!” Conan crawled rapidly away from the precipitous drop that Faith had so nearly thrown him over, “Vas ist los?” 

“Sex!” Faith jumped up from the blanket where they’d been lying.

“Ja,” Conan got cautiously to his feet and looked around for his jockstrap.

It seemed evident to him that Faith had gone completely mad, hadn’t they just been having sex? Just before she’d thrown him across the camp. Faith ran naked towards where Subotia’s and Dawn’s blankets were still going up and down as the bodies underneath continued with their nocturnal exercise.

“DAWN! STOP!” Faith pulled the blanket aside to find Dawn lying astride Subotia’s body.

Faith grabbed Dawn under the arms and heaved her off the guy’s body; there was a wet ‘slurping’ noise as Dawn separated from her lover and just before she was hurled bodily across the platform.

“FAITH!” squeaked Dawn as she bounced to a halt in the dust, “If you wanted to swap partners you only had to say!”

There was a string of what could only be expletives from the direction of Subotia as he scrambled to his feet to confront Faith the totally insane woman. Everyone started to talk at once.

“SHUT-UP!” Faith screamed as loud as she could.

Everyone stopped talking and turned to stare at her, which baring in mind everyone was still naked at this point could have led to something that was more fun than what actually happened.

“Dawn,” gasped Faith as the full horror of what had happened hit her.

“What?” Dawn stood with her arms folded crossed over her breasts and her head tilted to one side.

“Sex, Dawn, sex,” Faith started to realise that she wasn’t making any sense; she took a deep breath and tried to slow her rapidly beating heart.

“Yeah,” Dawn replied belligerently, “like, so?”

“Think about it Dawn,” Faith was slowly regaining control of herself, “We’ve been having loads an' loads of sex.”

“Yeah, well,” Dawn sounded a little defensive now; Faith was beginning to worry her now, she wasn’t the type to complain about loads of orgasms.

“Loads of unprotected sex,” Faith spelled it out for her friend.

Even in the dim firelight Faith could see Dawn pale as the consequences of her actions hit home.

“Eeep!” Dawn bent, picked up a blanket and wrapped it around herself, “Oh, I’m totally screwed!”

“Yeah,” nodded Faith, “You an’ me both.”

“Vas ist going on here?” hopping on one leg, Conan struggled into his jockstrap.

Subotia realising that any further sex looked like it was out of the question, and thinking that he’d not understand the explanation anyway; wrapped his blanket around himself and turned over to try and get some sleep. Sadly, Faith wrapped her own blanket around herself and sat down by the fire signalling that Conan and Dawn should follow her example.

“Like, what’s going on, Faith?” Dawn asked miserably.

“I don’t know,” Faith sighed, she turned to look at Dawn, “but think, what’s the one rule we’ve always stuck to since we entered this world?”

“No unprotected sex,” breathed Dawn quietly.

“Vas?” Conan said scratching his head.

“Shut-up,” ordered Faith, “this is girl stuff.”

“Oh, vell,” Conan started to get up, “if mit ist going to be talking the girl stuff, unt there ist nien more nooky in der offing; mit ist offen to bed.”

Slowly the big barbarian crawled back to his blankets, as did everyone else, eventually.

0=0=0=0

Watching from a high tower, Toth-Amon tried to adjust the picture on his scrying bowl. There seemed to be a lot of interference tonight, it made the picture jump and blur, the sound was so bad he could hardly hear what was being said. In frustration he hit the side of the bowl with the flat of his hand, quick-silver slopped out of the bowl and across the table before dripping onto the floor.

“Damn!” he cursed.

Looking at the surface of the remaining quick-silver he noticed that the picture was clearing. A perplexed frown crossed the wizard’s face as he looked at the new scene depicted in the bowl. A man in a rather garish toga was starring back at him; the figure in the bowl slowly lifted his arm and pointed at the wizard.

“Are you,” said the man in the brightly coloured toga, “paying too much for your chariot insurance?”

“Bugger off!” muttered the wizard, with a wave of his hand the picture vanished.

Sighing deeply, Toth-Amon walked across the room and sat down on a settee (the man groaned at the weight of the wizard) he shook his head and sighed again. It seemed the two barbarian women had broken the ‘Lust spell’ he’d put on them…curse them! The spell had been the ‘long term’ part of his plan to get his revenge on the woman and her friend who’d killed him and stolen the Heart of Araman.

What would be funnier than two pregnant barbarian warrioress’? They would be defenceless and easy to kill while they were with child. However, even if they’d broken the spell he could enjoy their fear and worry as they waited to find out it they were in fact with child. Of course this wouldn’t stop him from trying to kill them in other inventive and interesting ways. What he couldn’t understand was how they’d broken the spell; surely they were just barbarians with no magical ability? The older of the two appeared to have broken the spell first; the dead wizard rubbed his chin in thought. He would need to look into this. However, it wasn’t just the two barbarian whores that he wanted his revenge on; there was that oaf, Conan he would have to die too.

“MAW-HA-HA!” laughed the wizard insanely.

0=0=0=0

‘DUM! DUM! DUM! DUM!’; the drum beat like the beating of a giant heart. 

The great doors to the throne room swung open in front of Dawn as she started to walk towards the double thrones at the far end of the great hall; she became conscious of the weight of the crown on her head and the long silk dress that caressed her body.

“ _Dawn! A-AH, Empress of the Universe!_ ” sang the choir in the audience chamber. 

“ _Dawn! A-AH, She’ll rule ev’ry one of us!_ ” continued the choir; Dawn waved her hand regally as she walked towards the thrones.

“ _Dawn! A-HA, She’s a miracle. Dawn! A-HA, Queen of the impossible._ ” 

The choir continued to extol the wonderfulness of Queen Dawn.

“ _She’ll smash ev’ry one of them,  
Grind down ev’ry one of them,  
She’ll crush with a mighty hand,  
Ev’ry man ev’ry woman ev’ry child.  
That’s Dawn!_”

Dawn sat down on the right hand throne, it was all gold and red velvet and surprisingly comfortable, she nodded graciously to several of her advisers.

“Your Imperial Gorgeousness,” one of Dawn’s Generals ran up and knelt at her feet, “your big sister is approaching!”

“What do mean,” snapped Dawn, “like, Buffy’s approaching? OPEN FIRE! All weapons!” she smiled nastily. “Dispatch Ajax Regiment to totally, bring back her body. Like I need to go to the market an’ like shop, much?”

“ _Dawn! A-HA She’ll coerce ev’ry one of them!_

The drum beat and the singing stopped rather suddenly; Dawn frowned for a moment as she wondered, why it had all gone so quiet? As if in answer a minstrel stepped forward and gazed up admiringly into her eyes, he began to sing;

“ _Just a girl with a Queen’s courage,  
She knows she’s nothing but a girl,  
But she can never fail,  
No one but the impure in heart,  
Can max out on Hayasa Express oh oh oh oh._”

“Whatever,” Dawn sighed as she dismissed the minstrel with a wave of the hand.

Suddenly the doors at the far end of the throne room burst open and Dawn watched as several of her royal guards dragged a female prisoner towards her. They threw the blonde criminal roughly to the floor at Dawn’s feet; she gazed down at the captive in shock.

“Buffy’s alive!” she cried in despair.

“DAWN!” Buffy glared up at her sister, “What do you think you’re doing?” her sister demanded angrily, “Where did you get that crown? Take it off before someone notices. Where did you get that dress? It’s far too old for you…have you been going out with boys again?”

Dawn noticed for the first time that she was heavily pregnant and looked down at her sister in panic. Suddenly all her self confidence deserted her and she felt like a girl of fourteen again trying to win the approval of her big sister. But then Dawn smiled, she realised she didn’t need Buffy’s approval, not for anything…not now.

“Take her away!” Dawn ordered her guards imperiously, “Off with her head!”

“Not until you’ve done your homework!” Buffy cried as the guards dragged her towards the royal executioner.

Sighing with relief, Dawn stood up and walked to the tall windows to one side of the throne room. At her approach the guards opened the shutters to allow her to step out onto a balcony. The square outside was packed with her happy, smiling subjects.

“DAWNIE! DAWNIE! DAWNIE!” chanted the crowd, the sound rolling over her like a wave.

“Dawn! Dawn! We love you!” they cried in one voice, “But we only have fourteen years to subjugate the World!”

“Dawn…Dawn?” annoyingly someone was shaking her shoulder, reluctantly Dawn opened her eyes to see Faith looking down at her, “Time to get up Dawnie.”

0=0=0=0


	19. Chapter 19

8.

Breakfast the following morning was a strained, silent, affair with Faith and Dawn sitting on one side of the cooking fire and Conan and Subotia on the other. Gone were the rather girlish, and they now realised as un-characteristic giggles of the two women as they discussed the previous nights love making. Now nothing but hurt and embarrassed looks were exchanged.

After the rather hurried meal, horses were saddled, gear was packed up and the party started to make their way up the side of the great escarpment. The path being very steep they led their horses, zigzagging their way across the face of the Heights. After a long dusty walk they came out onto the plateau and stood for a moment as they gazed out over the great expanse of flat grassland that spread itself before them. To the east and south there was nothing but grass, the domain of nomadic horse tribes. Faith knew that scattered across the plain were a few walled cities, hardly bigger than villages, that traded with the nomads. To the north stood the object of their quest; there standing proud of the plain like a huge, malignant, zit stood Mount Doom the stronghold of Thulsa Doom and his followers. The mountain itself was surrounded by a number of smaller hills that stood together in an unnatural cluster just east of the Heights. From the top of Mount Doom rose a wisp of smoke that climbed high into the clear blue sky. Dropping her eyes back to the surface of the plain, Faith’s enhanced slayer vision could pick out little groups of white robed people making their way towards the mountain.

“Mount Doom!” Conan gasped quietly.

Subotia muttered something that probably translated as ‘Huh?’

“Mount Doom?” Dawn looked at Conan sceptically, “Like, totally, no way.”

“Ja,” Conan turned to look at Dawn, puzzled at her tone of disbelief.

“Oh come off it,” Dawn started to explain, “you’re trying to tell me that this Seltzer Gloom guy, like, just happened to call his lair ‘Mount Doom’? Totally weird!”

“Mount Doom,” Conan shrugged, “Doom’s Mount, vat difference does it make?”

“Yeah, like who has his fortress built on an active volcano?” Dawn scoffed, “Stupid, much?”

“Ve must go on,” Conan urged his horse forward, “you have der mayor’s daughter to rescue and mit has der holy man to kill! Forvards!”

0=0=0=0

Riding along with nothing to do except count the parties of Settees making their way towards Mount Doom; Faith found her mind wondering back to the revelations of the previous night. Sighing sadly, she realised that she'd been getting used to regular sex again and for all that he was a big, dumb, Kraut sounding hillbilly, Conan was pretty good at it…maybe he’d taken night classes? 

Whatever, Faith grinned to herself, yeah, okay the sex had been fun but it wasn't as if she loved the guy. He was fun but he wasn’t the sort of guy she wanted to…y’know, make babies with! No way, no how, not in this life time...and babies? Yuk! Noisy, smelly little pink things with screwed up faces and their cute little fingers and toes and… Faith mentally slapped herself across the face; she was beginning to sound like ‘Red’ when she gushed over stuff. No, Faith shook her head, if by chance she did decide to settle down it would be with someone she could love…not that she’d met many men she could love. The mayor, but she’d sorta loved him like a father. Harris? Well she had to admit that she’d kinda liked him, but her ‘use ‘em and lose ‘em’ attitude had got in the way of any real relationship that might have grown from that one night stand. Woody? Yeah, well that’d been fun…to start with, but, that guy was like so full of himself? No, she could see it now; that had just been a one off thing brought on by the prospect of looming, sudden death.

Which didn’t solve the question of why she’d jumped so eagerly between the blankets with Conan? Not one thought of condoms or even Vatican Roulette had crossed her mind, it'd been lust, pure and simple and then there was Dawn. Faith had thought she’d got it into the girl’s head that she couldn’t screw around, not here not now. There’d be consequences, they were usually pink and grew up to call you ‘Mom’. ‘Faith the Momsie Barbarian’, she wondered how Dawn’s silly Buff Barbarian song would deal with that. Yeah and how would the exotic dancing go with Dawn nine months gone? Eww, Faith frowned as she remembered something, there’d been that town were…yuk, no way, she wasn’t going to go there not even in her mind. No, the only thing that could have made them both start to screw around like there was no tomorrow was magic, some kinda spell. Now, who had they pissed off that could do that sorta stuff? Faith thought long and hard; anyone that they'd annoyed enough to do this sorta thing they would have killed anyway. Faith shook her head, no there must be another reason. Maybe it was that ‘biological clock’ thing that people went on about…but, hey, she wasn’t that old.

0=0=0=0

Letting her horse pick its own path, Dawn tried to puzzle out the meaning of her dream the previous night. Was it prophetic she asked herself? It’d certainly felt real enough, a wide smile slowly spread across her face; she was going to be a Queen, that was just so cool. Hey, the thought struck her like a revelation from on high, this was gonna make Buffy so pissed! If of course she ever found a way of letting her sister know what had happened to her…oh, she’d totally find away of doing that. It’d be totally worth it to like see the look on Buffy’s face…wicked!

Of course there were a few things that sorta spoilt Dawn’s happy musings about all the nice dresses and shoes she could afford when she was queen; she would, of course, be a totally good queen. But just because she was good didn’t mean she couldn’t totally dress cool. No, there was the thing about the two thrones; she’d got the feeling that she ruled with someone. Then there was the pregnant thing, Dawn sighed heavily, that was probably just anxiety making itself known. Then there was that thing that the crowd had yelled up to her; something about only having fourteen years to subjugate the world. Yeah, that was a bit worrying, but, hey she was totally sure she’d work it out eventually…and where the hell was Hayasa anyway?

0=0=0=0

Riding along behind Dawn, Subotia sighed heavily and looked longingly at Dawn’s butt. It was obvious to him that for whatever reason, the dancing girl (he’d still not quite worked out her name yet) wasn’t going to be giving out again any time soon. Oh, well, he thought, it’d been fun while it lasted, but, hey…there were plenty more fillies in the herd. Although he doubted that they’d come anywhere close to matching the raw enthusiasm of his round eyed dancing girl.

0=0=0=0

First I vill kill der vizard, thought Conan as his horse plodded along, then I vill get drunk on der beer. Unt then I vill find out vas ist ‘rong mit Faith…or maybe I shall have der sausages first? Conan was a simple man with simple tastes, and maybe the wisest of the four of them.

0=0=0=0

“Hey, hold it guys,” Faith held up her hand to bring the party to a halt. “Look, we’re getting pretty close to this Mount Doom joint.”

The mountain was indeed closer; it loomed over them like a great big loomy thing that filled half the sky. Also the bands of Settees were getting more numerous the closer they got to the mountain and they were starting to take an interest in the little group of mounted warriors.

“We gotta have a plan,” Faith pointed out.

“Mit gotta plan,” Conan called impatiently, “mit vill ride in there unt kill der Thulsa Doom unt you can rescue the princess…nien problemo.”

“Yeah,” Dawn pulled up next to Faith, “like that’s the sorta plan my big sister would come up with. Ride into the, like so obvious big trap and get herself killed…much.”

“Enough talking,” snarled Conan, “lets just get on with mit!”

“HEY!” Faith urged her horse forward until it was blocking Conan’s, “You trying to get yourself killed?”

Looking around Faith caught sight of a cluster of ruins not a mile away.

“Look!” she pointed, “Let’s go over there and work out what we’re going to do, eh?”

“You can if you vont,” Conan pushed his horse forward until it had pushed passed Faith’s, “I have vaited all mien life for this moment.”

“Conan!” pleaded Faith, “At least wait for night.”

“Nien,” Conan cried over his shoulder as he cantered towards the mountain. “I vill meet you at der ruins ven I’m done.”

“DON’T YOU DARE GET YOURSELF GET KILLED!” Faith yelled after the rapidly departing barbarian.

“I’ll be back!” Conan cried as he rode towards his destiny…or more likely a slow, painful death.

0=0=0=0

To Subotia it seemed obvious what had to be done. They should lay up in those ruins; maybe scout out the enemy positions tonight. Then rest up and make their plans in preparation for their attack the following night. But, these damned stupid westerners had got it all arse-about-face!

Big-guy was riding off towards the enemy encampment…in broad daylight no less! Dangerous-Killer-Woman was just sitting on her horse crying as she watched Big-guy ride off. Dancing-Girl didn’t know what to do and was trying to comfort Dangerous-Killer-Woman. Subotia shook his head in disgust.

“Looks like I need to show some leadership,” he muttered to himself. “Come,” he called turning his horse towards the ruins, “lets ride!”

He touched his horse’s flanks with his heels and started to canter towards the ruins. After only a few yards he heard the sound of Dangerous-Killer-Woman’s and Dancing-Girl’s horses follow him.

0=0=0=0

“Looks sorta like an old temple,” Dawn looked around at the ruins, “musta been here for years.”

Subotia dismounted and told the women to start making camp while he looked after the horses.

“Any idea what he’s going on about?” Faith sat on her horse and starred down at the little guy.

“Nah,” Dawn shook her head, “never got past more than sign language with him…and that was fairly basic. Like, ‘do you want to screw?’ and ‘yes’.”

Dismounting, Faith and Dawn grabbed the gear from the backs of the horses and looked for somewhere to make camp. Subotia took the reins and led the horses off to hobble them where they could help themselves to the lush grass that grew all around. Picking a section of ruins which still had fairly high walls around it, Faith started to sort out their gear while Dawn began to look for firewood. Wondering through the ruins she kept an eye out for danger while she looked for fuel. Only finding a few dry old branches she was starting to think they would have to use dried buffalo crap or something. When she heard a stealthy footfall behind her.

“Get lost, Subotia,” Dawn turned to confront her erstwhile lover only to find herself facing a little guy who was pointing a spear at her.

“What you want?” demanded the spear carrier.

Dropping her firewood Dawn had her sword out in a flash. Using all of the skill learned from hours of dance practice and sword fighting lessons, she nimbly stepped to one side and slashed at the spear neatly cutting off the point and the first foot or so of shaft. Recovering from her swing, she deftly sidestepped the clumsy blow the guy aimed at her head with the butt of his truncated spear and then presented the tip of her sword at the little guy’s throat, he froze in an instant.

“You better watch out,” he said in a voice that Dawn thought she recognised, “I’m a powerful wizard, y’know?”

“Akiro?” gasped Dawn as she lowered her sword, “What are you doing here? I thought you were working for that bitch, Queen Jehnna.”

“Dawn?” the old wizard looked up into the young woman’s face and smiled, “By the gods it is you! Ha-ha!” if anything his smile got wider. “Yes,” he relaxed and grounded what remained of his spear, “I got one too many of her handmaidens pregnant and she threw me out.”

“Bitch,” spat Dawn.

“Whatever,” shrugged Akiro, “anyway, back to my question…what you want?”

Sheathing her sword, Dawn put her arm around the old wizard’s shoulder and started to explain as she led him towards their camp site.

0=0=0=0

Cantering towards Mount Doom, good sense started to reassert itself in Conan’s mind. What the hell did he think he was doing? Faith had been right, he needed a better plan than; ride into the enemy camp. Get captured, then wait until you’re brought before Thulsa Doom then kill him with your bare hands as his guards stand idly by. Somehow he didn’t think that would work. What he needed was some sort of disguise as the fur jockstrap, horse and really big sword were a bit of a give away. Bringing his horse to a halt he looked around; damn, he cursed quietly, never a washer woman around when you needed one! There was however a small group of Settees making their way toward the mountain. He galloped over to them to see if they could ‘help’.

0=0=0=0

“Give me you clothes unt your donkey…now!” Conan drew his sword as he confronted the little group of a dozen or so Settees.

“Hey man,” grinned the little group's leader, “no need for violence, man, what’s ours is yours, what’s yours is…AAAGH!”

Conan had leapt from his horse, his sword in hand and had neatly decapitated the leader before he could finish speaking.

“Hey, man,” another Settee confronted Conan, “chill out there’s no need for violence man.”

Conan ran him through, stupid long hair; thought Conan as he swung his sword to cut down another Settee, of course there was a need for violence! As he chopped the legs off the third man to confront him the rest of the group screamed and tried to scatter. Chasing after them, Conan cut them down one by one. After only a minute or two of blood and extreme violence, Conan had enough blood stained rags to disguise himself. Strapping his sword to his saddle, Conan slapped his horse on the rump and sent it galloping off in the general direction of the ruins. It should be able to smell the other horses then its herding instinct should take over, the animal would be waiting for him when he got back…if he got back. Totally unarmed and dressed only in blood splattered rags, Conan the Barbarian rode his newly acquired donkey towards Mount Doom.

0=0=0=0


	20. Chapter 20

9.

Disguised in his blood splattered rags and riding a donkey that was far too small for him, Conan entered the camp of the followers of Doom. All around him Settees knelt praying to their lord and master, Sett. Those not actively employed in praying right at that moment tended fires or stirred pots of thin unappetizing looking soup. Tents dotted the barren hillside, but there were far too few to house all the Settees, Conan surmised that most slept out in the open in the cold mountain air. Above the activity of the encampment loomed Mount Doom itself, its upper slopes shrouded in snow and a halo of smoke drifting from its summit. Studying the mountain Conan noticed the great white marble temple that had been built into the side of the crag. Below it was a long wide staircase with a great pool and a fountain at its foot. The stairs led up to the temple, or more precisely the entrance to the temple. The whole edifice was guarded by soldiers in white robes and black armour. Dismounting from his donkey, Conan found a spot on the cold hard ground to make camp. He built a small fire and made a nest for himself with the thin blankets he had taken from the Settees he had so quickly slaughtered earlier in the day. He settled down to spent a cold night and wondered if he’d ever get to couple with Faith again.

0=0=0=0

Starring into the roaring fire Subotia shook his head and sighed long and hard.

“You are troubled, Archer?” asked Akiro who sat next to him picking at pieces of meat from a jackrabbit.

“Aye, Master,” Subotia’s head sunk lower as he contemplated his fate, “I will never understand women.”

“What man can?” laughed the old wizard, “They are an enigma wrapped up in a what’s-a-name and too many clothes,” he gestured to Faith and Dawn who sat on the other side of the fire, “present company excepted.”

“I can’t understand it,” again Subotia shook his head sadly, “we were getting on so well, she certainly appeared eager to couple at any opportunity…she even seemed to be enjoying herself, I know I was.” Subotia drew his dagger and cut a strip of meat from the rabbit as it sizzled over the fire. “She may not have been the most experienced woman in the world,” explained the archer, “but what she lacked in technique she made up for in enthusiasm…and she was really bendy, if you know what I mean?”

It was Akiro’s turn to sigh wistfully now as he remembered one of Queen Jehnna’s handmaidens…she’d been an enthusiastic and ‘bendy’ girl too.

“Oh well,” Akiro laid a fatherly hand on Subotia’s shoulder, “plenty more fillies in the herd as they say, never mind you’ll get over her.”

“But I liked her,” complained Subotia, “alright I did think about kidnapping her and selling her for a fortune a couple of times…but I’d never actually done it…well probably not…almost certainly…and I never even found out her name!”

“So,” chuckled Akiro as he picked a piece of rabbit from between his teeth, “what did you call her?”

“Dancing Girl,” sighed Subotia.

“That’s a pretty enough name for a girl,” Akiro admitted, “her actual name is ‘Dawn’.”

“Dawn?” Subotia turned a troubled frown on the old man, “What sort of name is that?”

“It means, ‘Sunrise’ as near as I can tell,” the old wizard shrugged and went back to eating more rabbit.

Sighing one last time Subotia shrugged and put ‘Sunrise’ down to experience, it’d been nice while it lasted but there was always another ‘Sunrise’, somewhere. The trick was finding her…and she had been so bendy.

0=0=0=0

“What d’you think they’re talking about?” Dawn whispered in Faith’s ear; she watched the two men on the other side of the fire out of the corner of her eye.

“Damned if I know,” Faith admitted as she threw a rabbit bone into the fire, “us probably.”

“Us?”

“Yeah,” nodded Faith, “guys are like that; they talk about how good a screw you were, y’know?”

“Like, eww!” Dawn shook her head in disgust; in mid shake she thought of something and turned to look at Faith. “So, like, guys totally talk about how good we were in bed, right?”

Faith nodded her head.

“So,” Dawn paused for a moment before speaking, “like, how is that different from you and me totally swapping notes on Conan and Sub over there?”

“Yeah,” Faith frowned, “its totally different its…its…yeah,” she sighed, “I see what you mean.”

“Yeah,” agreed Dawn quietly, “Um, like Faith…”

“Yeah?”

“Like, do you know when the morning sickness is supposed to like start?” Dawn didn’t sound very happy.

“How should I know?” Faith put her arm around Dawn’s shoulder and gave it a squeeze; it seemed like the right thing to do.

“Oh, I don’t know,” Dawn said quietly, “Y’know you’re older, I thought you knew stuff like that.”

“Me?” Faith asked incredulously, “No way, Dawnie I’m as much in the dark as you.”

“Like oh,” Dawn replied miserably as she returned Faith’s hug, “that’s comforting…not!”

0=0=0=0

Dawn broke and Conan was awakened by a disturbance in the encampment. Pushing back his blanket he stood and stretched cold stiff muscles. He turned to see what all the fuss was about. He saw a group of priestesses in black robes making their way through the encampment accompanied by a detachment of black uniformed guards. For a moment, Conan thought that he’d been discovered and almost took flight, however the priestesses and their guards passed him by heading for a small outcrop of rock. All around him the Settees were getting excited, they kept chanting ‘Doom’ over and over as they crowded around the priestesses and their protectors. Conan kept to the edge of the crowd as the priestesses started to hand out simple white robes to the excited mob. Conan began to back away from the crowd until he felt a hand rest lightly on his shoulder.

“Where do you think you’re going, Brother?”

Conan turned to find a priest in a white robe with orange trimming standing next to him.

“I’m afraid,” replied Conan timidly, a plan had formed surprisingly quickly in his mind as he noticed the Settees changing into their new robes.

“Afraid?” exclaimed the priest, “Afraid to bare yourself? Why?” the priest reached over and pulled open Conan’s blood splattered rags. “You’re so big and so well grown, you should be proud of your body.”

Conan smiled inside while not altering the expression of innocent confusion on his face, it was as he’d suspected, priests, like wizards, were all sexual perverts!

“How do you expect to reach emptiness without knowing your own body?” the priest wanted to know.

“Could ve talk over there,” Conan pointed to a dip in the ground surrounded by rocks, “vhere der others can’t see?”

“Why, yes, brother,” the priest laid his hand on Conan’s butt, “of course.”

After walking over to the little hollow, Conan glanced around; it was as he’d surmised they were totally hidden from the rest of the encampment.

“I’m afraid I’m shy…oh fuck it!” 

Not bothering to carry the scene through to its end, Conan punched the priest in the belly. As the man doubled over in pain, Conan hit him on the back of his head with the edge of his hand. The priest’s neck made a satisfying 'snapping' sound as it broke. Checking to make sure he’d not been seen, Conan quickly stripped the priest and put on his robes.

0=0=0=0

Walking through the camp, Conan found himself being bowed to and generally shown respect. With growing confidence he walked on to join the great crowds of Settees who were making their way towards the Temple of Doom. The nearer he got to the temple the more guards he saw; men in black leather armour with sword, shield and spear. All wore helmets that covered their faces. Some wore white uniforms while a lesser number wore black. These Conan reasoned must be the elite guard just as the black robed priests must be the priests of Doom’s inner circle. As he got closer to the fountain at the foot of great staircase leading to the temple entrance, these black robed priests appeared to get thicker on the ground. They would pull a Settee out of the crowd and search him or her for weapons before letting them go on to the Temple. Arriving at the pool at the bottom of the stairs, Conan was stopped by an attractive young woman in a black priestesses robe, she instructed him to stare into the pool. Unsure of what was going on, Conan did as he was told.

“What do you see?” asked the pretty little priestess.

Conan thought faster than he’d ever done before.

“Erm,” answers appeared before Conan’s eyes; yes, no, maybe, I’ll be back, too many cooks spoil the broth, fuck you asshole! 

He finally chose “Infinity?”

“Good,” replied the priestess in a rather surprised tone, she gestured for Conan to continue up the stairs.

On the stairs sat large numbers of white robed followers guarded on each side by a double rank of spear armed guards. Separating and preventing the white robes from reaching the top of the stairs was a solid phalanx of black robed priests and priestesses backed up by black uniformed guards. Obviously this Thulsa Doom didn’t fully trust his followers. Finding himself up near the front of the crowd of followers, Conan sat on the steps as everyone else appeared to be doing, he didn’t want to stand out. Looking up towards the temple he noticed that something was happening. A girl in a long white diaphanous dress, slit up the sides to her waist appeared at the top of the stairs. She held out her arms with two snakes wrapped around her wrists allowing Conan to see the unsightly five o’clock shadow under her armpits. This must be the Mayor’s daughter that Faith and Dawn were supposed to rescue. Moments later Thulsa Doom himself appeared at the top of the stairs.

“I SEE YOU!” his voice boomed out across the mountain side and his followers looked up in awe. “I HAVE WATCHED YOU!” the Settees around Conan rose as one as their messiah spoke. “For a thousand years, I have watched you.”

“DOOOOOOM!” chanted the crowd.

Doom stepped forward and held up his hands causing the crowd to quiet as they starred up in adoration. Judging his chances of getting to Doom; killing him, with his bare hands, all before the guards cut him down, as ‘not good’. Conan decided to play a waiting game, maybe he could get a little closer as the ceremony continued.

“Who among you still fears death?” called Doom his voice echoing across the crowd, “Who will not face emptiness?”

“INFIDEL?” came a cry.

Turning Conan saw two large men in armour coming towards him through the crowd. One he recognised from the temple in Haafi the other he didn’t know. Several guards started to move towards him through the crowd. Fingers were pointing at him and Settees climbed to their feet to aid the guards in capturing the unbeliever. There was a short struggle as Conan was overwhelmed and forced to the ground, before being dragged off towards the temple.

0=0=0=0

“Throw him roughly to the ground!” Doom ordered.

Conan found himself being thrown through the air by the two big men in black armour, his flight, however, was brought up short as he collided with the base of a fountain. The last hour or so had passed with the two big guys pounding on Conan while he was held in place by relays of black uniformed guards. Groaning, Conan found himself lying half in half out of the pool at the foot of the fountain, greedily he took the opportunity to drink from the cool water there. He was in a sort of cave that’d had its roof removed so it was open to the sky. The floor was flagged with white stone blocks and he could make out columns and arches around the walls. There were the usual guards and scantily clad young women that you’d expect in such a place. There was also a definite ‘snake’ theme to the decoration, with snakes carved into the columns and painted across the walls. Conan’s eye took all this in but he was more interested in the man who was at present crushing his fingers under his boot!

“I wish to speak to you now,” Doom announced as he stood over the bruised and battered barbarian.

Conan looked up from where he lay to see Thulsa Doom standing over him. Doom was a large, tall, black man. Dressed in black over white robes, he had long hair and strings of beads around his neck, he held a single daisy in his left hand. The two big guys picked Conan up and then threw him roughly to the floor again.

“So,” Doom’s voice was calm almost friendly, “where’s the Eye of the Serpent?” Doom glanced away from Conan, “Rexor, says you gave it to a girl… It was worth more than one night of passion.”

“You just don’t understand do you?” Doom was starting to sound annoyed now, “You broke into my house, stole my jewel, killed my slaves and my pets…and you know what makes angry the most?” Now Doom really did sound angry, “You killed my snake! Thorgrim,” Doom pointed to one of the big guys, “was beside himself with grief, he’d, raised that snake from when it’d been hatched.”

“You killed mien papa,” cried Conan, “unt killed mien muttie, you killed mien volk! You stole mien papa’s sword.”

“I did?” Doom almost sounded sorry, “Must have been when I was younger.” Doom smiled sadly at Conan, “In those days man I was into swords and weapons. I’d travel for days for a new sword…not any more, of course? Now I’m a man of peace and love,” Doom laughed pityingly. 

“You are mad Doom!” cried Conan, “All this talk of peace unt love vere vill it get you?” 

Conan tried to sit up but was knocked down again by the two heavies.

“Der entire vorld economy vill collapse vithout der vars!” Conan rolled onto his side, “Millions vill be out of vork! It’ll never happen!”

“Oh?” smiled Doom, “Is that what you really think I’m after?” he laughed at the simple barbarian, “I don’t want world peace? Do not think that I’ve come to bring peace to the world? No, I’ve not come to bring peace, I’ve come to bring the sword! I’ve come to set each man against his father, and daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law, you get the picture? Your foes will be, the members of your own household. You see whoever loves their father or mother more than me isn’t worthy of me; and whoever loves son or daughter more than me isn’t worthy of me either. Whoever doesn’t take up the Snake and follow me isn’t worthy of me.” Doom gazed insanely across the courtyard as if seeing the world spread out before him at his feet, “Those who find their life will lose it, and those who lose their life for my sake will find it!" There was a moment’s silence before Doom turned to his guards. “Take him away and like crucify him!”

0=0=0=0


	21. Chapter 21

10.

The Tree of Woe; sounds a bit ominous doesn’t it? Wow, you think this is going to be something really, really scary…skulls and stuff, dead bodies everywhere, get the picture? Actually the ‘Tree of Woe’ was a very old, very dead bottom half of a tree that was situated on the edge of the semi-desert to the north of Mount Doom. It was not impressive, neither were the guards who ‘crucified’ Conan. If Conan had known the word he’d have called them ‘incompetent’, but he didn’t so he just called them really nice fellows. Whatever else he might be Conan wasn’t stupid and he knew he should never interrupt the enemy when they were screwing up.

By the time the guards had delivered him to the so-called Tree of Woe, he’d more or less recovered from his beating. Come on, look, Conan is a big guy, lots of muscle, lives a healthy lifestyle eating only sausages made out of animals that he can actually recognise and put a name to. He drinks only ale that doesn’t have rates tails (for added flavour) floating in it; plus he only couples with prostitutes that he knows are healthy. See? An all round fit and health conscious guy, so, a little beating from a couple of pansy bullies isn’t going to slow him down for long.

So, as I was saying by the time the guards got him to the lump of dead wood by the desert he was feeling better, not fine, but better. Then the guards tried to nail him to the tree and it was all, ‘Hey man, you got the hammer?’ and ‘Bummer man, where’s the nails?’ and ‘Dude, ‘the man’ is gonna to be so pissed!’ Eventually the guards decided to tie Conan to the tree and not mention to anyone that he’d not been properly crucified.

0=0=0=0

Watching the guards leave through slitted eyes, Conan hung from the tree and smiled confident that he’s soon be free and back in the loving, tight embrace of Faith. Well, maybe not actually ‘in’ Faith, but he was fairly sure she’d be pleased to see him. Probably pleased to see him…okay wouldn’t throw him out of the camp. Anyway, to business, time to get himself free of the pretty shoddily tied knots that held him.

Just as he was twisting his wrists so he could slip his hands free, a large and hungry looking vulture flapped down out of the clear blue evening sky and settled on a branch near his head. Conan eyed the bird hungrily, the bird returned the compliment. Unfortunately for the vulture, Conan was more intelligent, or at least sneakier than any vulture. He pretended to fall asleep or even die, the vulture was taken in and as he was just about to take a good beak full of Conan the seemingly ‘dead’ barbarian, he ‘woke up’ and bit into the bird’s neck. The vulture squawked and flapped a bit but Conan’s grip on its neck was unbreakable and very soon the bird ceased its struggles and died. As I’ve mentioned, Conan was at least sneakier than the vulture so he hung on to it for a while to ensure it was dead and not faking. With a snort he spat the bird and its feathers from his mouth.

After several minutes of wriggling and squirming about, Conan jumped down from the tree and stood for a moment rubbing his wrists where the ropes had cut into them. He looked around and studied his surroundings. As previously mentioned, the Tree of Woe was on the edge of an area of semi-desert near the foot of Mount Doom. The mountain still loomed over him but he didn’t recognise any landmarks. He guessed that he was on the opposite side of the mountain to where he’d left Faith and the others. Night was drawing in and it was starting to get decidedly chilly as it often does in the desert at night. It was too late now to try to find his way back to Faith’s warm embrace…well probably her annoyed scowl (he’d never understand women). So, he’d make himself as comfortable as he could and start out in the morning. There was plenty of fire wood and he could pluck and eat the vulture, which seemed only fair as it had been going to eat him. Collecting the dry branches of the Tree of Woe that lay in the sand around him, Conan started to rub two sticks together.

0=0=0=0

Having spent a fitful night in the ruins, Faith, Dawn and Subotia mounted their horses and started to scout around the foot of Mount Doom. Akiro had told them that there was supposed to be a rear entrance to Doom’s temple within the mountain. Trying to avoid the increasing numbers of Settees that were still making their way towards the mountain, they skirted Doom’s lair until they were far out of sight of the temple ruins and there were no groups of Settees making their way across the desert.

“What’s that?” Dawn pointed to where a thin trail of smoke rose lazily into the sky.

“What’s the betting,” Faith pulled up her horse next to Dawn’s, “there’s an over muscled, jockstrap wearing barbarian at the bottom of it?”

“Yeah!” Dawn kicked her horse into motion, “Or, like, it could be Conan, let’s go see!”

0=0=0=0

Sure enough, as they galloped over the sand they soon caught sight of the smouldering remains of the Tree of Doom and there, lying on the sand beside it was the great bulk that was Conan.

“Conan!” cried Faith trying not to show how pleased she was to see him, “Get up off ya ass, there’s work to do.”

Conan didn’t move.

“Conan?” Faith pulled up her horse in a cloud of dust and gravel; she leapt from its back and ran over to where Conan lay.

“Faith!” Dawn’s warning cry brought Faith up short and she came to an abrupt halt, “It might be a trap.”

His bow out and an arrow notched on the string, Subotia obviously agreed with Dawn’s assessment. The horse-archer guided his horse with his knees as he rode in a wide circle around where Conan lay. Once he was satisfied that there were no enemies lying in wait he shouted an all clear. As neither Dawn nor Faith could understand him they had to guess what his meaning was; as he wasn’t screaming or shooting off arrows they reckoned that it was alright for Faith to proceed. Kneeling in the sand next to him, Faith turned Conan onto his back, he groaned weakly as she moved him.

“What’s wrong with him?” Dawn ran over clutching a water-skin in her hands while Subotia kept watch from the back of his horse.

Laying her hand on Conan’s forehead, Faith snatched it away as if she’d been burnt.

“EWWWW! MAN!” Faith squealed as she threw herself away from Conan as he vomited all over the sand.

“Oh, gross!” Dawn was having trouble keeping her breakfast down as she flicked at lumps of semi-digested food on her fur trimmed bikini.

“He’s burning up,” Faith looked around to try and figure out what had happened; she saw the fire, the remains of the vulture, “food poisoning!”

“Food poisoning?” Dawn repeated the words as she looked at Faith disbelievingly, “Food poisoning? Him?” she laughed, “You've, like, seen what he eats, right?”

“Yeah,” Faith replied defensively, “hey, it can happen to anyone. Now help me get him aboard a horse.”

“Not mine,” Dawn stood up and backed away, “like, no way.”

“Okay, okay,” Faith struggled to get her hands under Conan’s arms, he groaned and threw up again, “I’ll put him on mine.”

“Way, gross,” Dawn gingerly picked up Conan’s feet reasoning that she was fairly safe being nearly six feet away from his mouth.

Can you say, ‘projectile vomiting’?

0=0=0=0

“Oh, gross this is disgusting!” Dawn emptied another bucket of water over her head; small pieces of semi-digested food were still lodged in her hair and clothes.

Luckily one of the reasons the ancient temple had been built where it was, was that it was over a well so there was plenty of fresh, clean water for Dawn to wash herself off with. The ride back to camp had been hell. Dawn could never have imagined that any one person could hold so much (for want of a better word) crap. Once she and Faith had manoeuvred Conan over Faith’s saddle the motion of the horse had caused Conan to throw up again and again and again! Surely, Dawn had thought, once they’d got him back to camp and off the horse he’d stop. No way; okay so he’d slowed down a little, but every few minutes up would come something else. Dawn looked down at herself, her outfit was ruined, and it had been one of her favourites. Just be thankful, she told herself, that she’d not been wearing her chainmail, imagine trying to get globules of puke out of that?

Glancing over to where Conan lay, she could see Faith clucking around him like a mother hen, while Akiro mixed something in a small bowl, he looked really worried. Dawn sighed heavily; maybe the big guy was really ill. Maybe this was something bad, maybe he wouldn’t recover. Oh, well, Dawn shrugged as she refilled the bucket, there was nothing for it. If she ever wanted to get clean again she’d have to strip off. Paying no heed to the Prairie Dog that sat a few feet away and watched her so intently, she stripped off her sodden fur bikini.

0=0=0=0

If only, thought Toth Amon, there was some way of recording these images and selling them he’d make a fortune. Hmmm, he thought, this was something to look into when he had the time. After all, when all things were considered there wasn’t actually much money in wizarding and even though he was dead he still had to ‘live’. The one-eyed wizard had been watching Conan since the day before. It was he who had put the compulsion into the warrior’s mind to go and try and kill Doom. He had warned Doom’s guards of Conan’s presence and for a while there Toth had hoped that Doom and his band of religious fanatics would deal with Conan for him. However, the wizard hadn’t reckoned on the innate incompetence of Doom’s men and once again Conan had survived.

Then the great dumb ox of a barbarian had decided to eat the vulture, that wouldn’t have been dangerous if he’d cooked it properly. As it was the barbarian was very sick and Toth Amon was wondering how he could take advantage of the situation. It was typical, he thought as he watched the barbarian dancing girl strip off and pour more water over her head, that while everything he did seemed to fail his would-be victims were laid low by their own hand. It just wasn’t fair. The Prairie Dog sighed and scratched behind its ear; maybe they’d all kill each other and save him the bother.

0=0=0=0

“What’s wrong with him, Akiro?” Faith sat next to the huddled form of Conan dabbing at his fevered brow with a rag.

“His is very sick,” the little wizard added some water to the herbs in the bowl in his hands.

“Yeah,” Faith gave the short guy a really hard look that would have blistered paint, “I sorta worked that out for myself,” she gestured to the paste in the bowl, “will that make him better?”

“Better?” the wizard frowned and looked down at his bowl, “OH! No,” he smiled, “this is for the soup for tonight’s meal!”

Finding himself with Faith’s dagger pricking his throat, Akiro swallowed very carefully.

“You want I should make him better?” he asked, Faith nodded, “There will be a price to pay.”

“There always is,” replied Faith, “I’ll pay it.”

“It may not be you who has to pay,” pointed out the wizard.

0=0=0=0

“Scoot!” Dawn threw a stick at the Prairie Dog that had wandered into camp, it trotted off a couple of yards, stopped and looked back at her accusingly.

“I said SCOOT!” Dawn shouted at the annoying pest, it just glared back at her.

An arrow came from behind her and cut the creature in two, Dawn turned and nodded her thanks to Subotia before joining Faith near (but not too close to) Conan’s body. Akiro was crouched over the warrior mumbling spells under his breath as he painted strange symbols of Conan’s skin.

“What’s going on?” she asked Faith in a whisper.

“Our very own tame wizard there,” Faith gestured at Akiro, “thinks that he can stop Conan from dying.”

“So this’ll cure him?” Dawn asked hopefully, she knew how much Faith really liked Conan; she didn’t ‘love’ him that was the spell that had been put on them, but, Faith liked him. There weren’t too many people in the world that Faith liked and it would be bad if there was one less.

“No,” Faith shook her head in the firelight.

“No?” Dawn was confused, “I thought you said that…”

“No, look,” Faith tried to explain, “Akiro says Conan’s, like, gonna die whatever we do he’s too far gone.”

“Uh-huh,” Dawn had some nasty thoughts about her own mother and zombies.

“This,” Faith glanced at Dawn, “will hopefully stop the death spirits from taking him.”

“Umm,” Dawn stared at Faith for a second, “you do realise, like, what an amazingly freaking BAD idea that is?”

“Huh?” Faith was knocked back on her heels by the force of Dawn’s comment.

“That’s, like, way up there with me trying to bring my Mom back,” Dawn poked Faith in the shoulder with her finger, “this is, like, way bad like Willow bringing Buffy back. This is sooo bad, like this puts the bad in totally, really, really BAD!”

“Hey,” Faith pushed back and sent Dawn sprawling in the sand, “he ain’t dead yet! We just have to stop him from like being really dead.”

“Look Faith,” Dawn was on her hands and knees facing Faith as she squatted beside Conan, “if I’ve learnt anything over the years, when it’s, like time for someone to go…let ‘em go.”

“NO!” snapped Faith, “Just how fucking stupid is that, huh?”

“It’s not…”

“Conan the fucking Barbarian killed by a fucking badly cooked vulture,” Faith wiped at her eye with the back of her hand, “how’s that gonna look in the history books?”

0=0=0=0

As usual, Subotia had no idea what was going on. From what he could work out and from the few words Akiro had spoken to him. Big Guy had eaten something bad, probably that vulture. Now everyone appeared to be arguing over what should be done. To Subotia it all seemed very straight forward, he’d found the root that they needed. All he had to do was boil it in some water and get Conan to drink it…but no one ever asked him what he thought. He sniffed and went back to repairing his arrows.

0=0=0=0

“BLOODY HELL!” screamed Toth Amon, the arrow had gone right through him, or at least the Prairie Dog’s body he’d been using, have to be more careful in future.

Searching with his mind he tried to find another suitable animal so he could finish his surveillance but he found nothing. Oh well, he sighed, nothing for it he’d have to wait until tomorrow; in the mean time he’d think about how he could replay and sell those images of the dancing girl.

0=0=0=0

“It is done,” announced Akiro causing Faith and Dawn to stop their bickering.

“Now what?” Faith asked.

“We wait for, like, the end of the freaking world,” muttered Dawn angrily.

“We wait,” announced Akiro.

He crawled away to put some more wood on the fire as the darkness pressed in around them. The silence beat oppressively against their ears, even the sound of the fire sounded muted.

It took Faith only a moment to notice that the flames had stopped in mid flicker and the sparks from the fire had stopped moving. Her friends seemed frozen in time as the universe ground to a halt. Reaching slowly for her sword she looked out into the darkness; it was like she was the only thing alive in the whole of the universe. Turning back to face the fire she found herself looking up at a tall thin figure in a black robe, he held a scythe in a skeletal hand. Faith gasped in shock; she’d never even heard him arrive.

GOOD EVENING, said Death* pleasantly in a voice like doom, NICE NIGHT FOR IT.

Faith climbed unsteadily to her feet and looked Death in…well not the face…the skull?

“I-I w-want to make a deal,” she stammered.

0=0=0=0

* This version of ‘Death’ is based on the one that appears in the Disc World series of books by the late, Sir Terry Pratchett 


	22. Chapter 22

11.

“Hey,” Faith nudged Conan as he started to show signs of waking, “how ya feeling?”

“Like a vulture crawled into mien mouth unt died,” groaned Conan as he propped himself up on an elbow, “vas happened?”

“Yeah,” Faith smiled in the early morning light, “funny ya should say that about the vulture…”

“Ach! Nien,” the memories flooded back into Conan’s mind, “der roast vulture!”

“Uh-huh,” Faith nodded her head, “ya make a better warrior than ya do a chef.”

“Damn,” Conan spat in disgust, “unt I zo vonted to open a small restaurant ven mien barbarian days vere over.”

“Is he, like, okay,” Dawn shouted from across the camp site, “He’s not going to like puke on me again, is he? I mean, eww, totally gross.”

“He’s alright now,” sighed Faith as she climbed to her feet, “you’re safe.”

“You sure?” Dawn still wasn’t convinced.

“Sure I’m sure,” Faith replied.

“Great!” Dawn bounced across the campsite and wrapped Conan in a tight hug, “Don’t you ever do anything like that again…”

“Ja,” Conan smiled as he returned Dawn’s embrace, “okay, but mit had just been crucified unt I vas hungry.”

“No excuse,” Dawn disentangled herself from Conan, “remember, it’s safe to eat when the juices run clear.”

“I’ll remember,” laughed Conan, “now talking of food?”

0=0=0=0

Sitting a little apart from the rest of the group, Subotia and Akiro watched as the two women fussed around Conan.

“I don’t understand,” Subotia picked at his breakfast porridge, “last night he was near death.”

“Last night,” agreed the wizard, “he was moments away from death, but…”

“But?” Subotia put down his bowl.

“I tried some ancient magicks in the hopes of reviving him,” explained Akiro.

“It must have worked,” Subotia pointed out reasonably.

“Hmmm,” Akiro pulled a face and shrugged, “if it did I must be a better wizard than I thought I was!”

“How so?”

“The spell was only supposed to revive him for a little,” sighed Akiro, “so he could say farewell to his loved ones.” The wizard ran a hand over his bald scalp, “Obviously I must have made it more powerful somehow.”

“Good,” Subotia nodded his head firmly.

“Good?” gasped the wizard, “Magic is a dangerous thing, archer. It is not to be trifled with.”

“But there will be four of us when we go back to Mount Doom,” so saying Subotia got up and walked across the camp to greet Conan.

0=0=0=0

The rest of the day was spent watching Conan put away copious amounts of food and preparing for the inevitable return to Mount Doom. Late in the afternoon, after Conan proclaimed himself ‘full’, the adventures sat around the camp fire as they made their final preparations for combat.

“Der ist unt gorge at der backside of der mountain,” Announced Conan as he wiped gravy from around his mouth (although he was ‘full’ a light snack before battle was always welcome). “Ve can find our vay in through there.”

“We’re just going to grab the mayor’s daughter, right,” Faith pleaded, “we kill Thulsa Doom later, okay?”

“As long as I don’t have to dress up as a washer woman,” put in Dawn, “or make like with the pole dancing…gross.”

“Vot ist rong mit der pole dancing?” Conan asked slyly sidestepping Faith’s question.

“I’m an exotic dancer,” Dawn said fervently, “like, an artist. Pole dancing is just totally gross, like lap dancing.”

“Yeah, okay,” Faith frowned, everyone was getting off the subject, “look; we go in, grab the girl and leave, right? No stopping off to kill wizards and their brothers, understand? Conan?”

“Ja,” Conan slowly nodded his head, “nien problemo.”

0=0=0=0

The sun was just touching the horizon when the party mounted their horses prior to galloping off towards Mount Doom.

“Maybe you should stay here, with Akiro,” said Faith as Dawn mounted her horse; she had a feeling things were going to turn to crap at some point and she wanted Dawn some place safe.

“Don’t you dare go all big sister on me now,” Dawn replied angrily, “I’m as good as any of you and I’m over eighteen so I can do what I want!”

“Okay, okay,” Faith held up her hands in surrender, “I just thought you might want to sit this one out. You know,” Faith smiled evilly, “in your condition.”

“I’M NOT PREGNANT!” Dawn shrieked more in hope than expectation, “At least, I don’t think so and any way, like you’ve been screwing Conan so you’re just as likely to be…you know, like, pregnant as me so maybe you should stay home.”

“No way,” sighed Faith; she shrugged; perhaps Dawn was right maybe she was trying to be all ‘big sister’ like. “Okay,” she cried out to the rest of the party, “let’s ride!”

0=0=0=0

They galloped over the plain towards Mount Doom avoiding the last straggling bands of Settees. Pausing for a moment they could see that the Settee encampment had grown to the size of a small town over the last day or so. Riding on they skirted the low hills at the foot of Doom’s Mount until they found themselves behind the mountain and out of view of their own camp. Here they became alert for any signs of Thulsa Doom’s men. Finding no guards or lookouts they approached the mountain seeking out the gorge that Conan had spotted while he was being taken out to be crucified.

“There,” Conan pointed, “there it is.”

Sure enough there was the gorge leading like a knife cut up the side of the mountain to a cave. The cave was lit by a dim red light and wisps of smoke curled up into the darkening sky.

“Ve can leave der horses there,” Conan nodded towards a pile of boulders that formed a natural coral over to their left.

Leaving their horses the group continued their climb up the side of the mountain. The great boulders that lay strewn across the side of the mountain could have hidden an army. However, no one challenged them and they reached the mouth of the cave unnoticed. They paused at the entrance to the cavern.

“Eww, gross,” Dawn fanned her hand in front of her nose, “like, what _is_ that smell?”

“Yeah, man,” Faith joined Dawn in fanning her face.

Wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, Conan spat in disgust, “Cannibals!”

Subotia, as usual said nothing other than to mutter a prayer to his gods.

Carefully they worked themselves through the narrow opening and into the mountain proper. Here the found a short passage way carved from the living rock and followed it until they came to small platform overlooking a scene from hell itself. Below them in a large cave lit by a sombre red glow, men and women worked at butchering the bodies of other men and women. They threw the pieces of meat into large cauldrons that bubbled over great cooking fires. The smell of blood and putrefaction hung heavily in the stagnant air.

“Crom im Himmel!” gasped Conan.

“What the fuck!” Faith groaned.

“Where the hell did they get the orchestra and the Italian choir?” demanded Dawn.

“WHAT!?” chorused Faith, Conan and Subotia.

“Listen,” ordered Dawn.

“She’s right you know,” Faith said in wonder; somehow the bad guys had secreted a full orchestra and a large Italian male voice choir in the cavern. They were performing a jaunty choral piece that you couldn’t help but hum along with.

“Crom,” breathed Conan. “Von good thing…”

“What’s that?” Faith asked.

“All the noise vill cover our approach!”

“He’s not, like, wrong,” agreed Dawn; the party started to climb down into the pit.

0=0=0=0

Completely unnoticed by the kitchen staff, our brave adventurers made their way from shadow to shadow around the edge of this hell’s kitchen. Noticing a group of half a dozen guards shoulder a great wooden frame holding a heavy, steaming, stone cauldron the group latched on behind the men. Following, as the guards carried their burden with a strange sort of scuffling, bouncy step, the raiders came to another brightly lit chamber. Here the guards turned to the right and went up a short flight of steps that led into the main area. Our heroes, however, took a left and peered over a wall to see what was going on.

“Don’t look, Dawn,” Faith ordered but to no avail; Dawn popped up next to her to see what was happening.

The chamber was huge and appeared to me lit by electric light, or possibly magic. There was a heavy snake theme to the decorations; snakes were carved into the walls and stairways. Snakes were painted on the floors and walls, great banners bearing snake motifs hung from the ceiling and the entire back wall had been painted to represent the back of some huge snake. In the centre of the chamber stoop a great marble pillar fashioned like four giant snakes pointing to the cardinal points of the compass. At the base of the pillar stood a semi-naked girl who’d been chained to the pillar, she writhed in some drug and lust induced ecstasy against the cold marble snakes. At her feet writhed a mass of bodies as they fornicated before the altar of their god.

“Like…wow!” Dawn grinned.

“I told you not to look!” Faith snapped.

“Look!” Conan pointed, “The Mayor’s daughter.”

Somewhere another orchestra struck up a tune that both Faith and Dawn recognised from when Queen Taramis had tried to sacrifice Princess Jehnna; both women tutted and rolled their eyes. Overlooking the orgy, seated on a high throne sat Thulsa Doom. At his feet, sprawled on piles of cushions lay the scantily clad body of the mayor’s daughter, she gazed adoringly up at her evil overlord as he slowly started to turn into a snake.

“Like, that never helps,” Dawn pointed out.

“What?” Faith tore her eyes off the orgy and looked at Dawn.

“Turning into a snake,” Dawn reiterated, “like, it never helps.”

“Nah,” agreed Faith, “I don’t think he can help it.”

“Whatever,” Dawn shrugged her shoulders and they all moved to take up their attack positions.

0=0=0=0

Glancing around, Faith took note that everyone was in position. Picking up a lit candle she slid across the smooth marble floor and placed it next to one of the hanging banners. Waiting only long enough to make sure the cloth of the banner had taken fire, she slid back the way she’d come and climbed over a low wall. As she did so her foot hit some hanging chains, the metal made a terrible clanking noise in Faith’s ears, however, the orchestra was making such a racket by now that no one noticed. Moments later someone screamed, they had noticed the flames licking up the banner. Jumping to her feet Faith had her sword out in an instant as she ran towards where Thulsa Doom continued his metamorphosis into his snake like form. A guard jumped out to block her way. Pausing only to decapitate the man, Faith ran on.

0=0=0=0

Leaping from his hiding place, Conan barged his way through the crowd of screaming, naked men and women who had until recently been worshipping their god in their own special way. Conan’s sword flashed left and right as he hacked off carelessly placed hands, arms, heads and other more tender projections. He smiled as the blood splashed over him and the bodies started to form a heap at his feet, this was the life.

0=0=0=0

Standing on a raised platform, Subotia plied his bow with inhuman efficiency. The long arrows from his powerful horn and sinew composite bow pinned his victims to the floor and walls like butterflies in a display case. Several times one of his arrows would pass through two bodies. All too soon his store of arrows was expended, drawing his sabre he jumped down into the sea of panicking humanity to ply his butcher’s trade.

0=0=0=0

Dancing lightly across the marble floor, her bare feet sure on the blood slick surface, Dawn sliced open the stomach of a guard who’d made the mistake of thinking she was nothing but a girl there to make up the numbers. Nimbly jumping over the man’s intestines she came to a halt, turned and blocked the sword cut aimed at her head. Letting the blade slide off her own, Dawn stepped delicately to one side to let the now unbalanced guard blunder by. Sticking out a foot she tripped the guy, he fell to the floor but managed to turn just as Dawn thrust with her sword. The tip of her sword entered the man’s throat and he clutched at the blade with frantic fingers as he gurgled his last. Pulling her sword free, Dawn’s eyes caught the sparkle of jewels on a dead woman’s necklace.

“Goodie!” Dawn giggled with glee, “Pretty!”

Dawn got down to the serious business of stripping the dead and dying of anything valuable.

0=0=0=0

Arriving at the throne just as Thulsa Doom slithered off down an escape pipe, Faith killed another guard who tried to stop her.

“Damn!” she cursed, she’d really hoped to kill Doom; it would make things less complicated later; whatever, she could still grab the girl.

Backhanding the girl, Faith knocked her senseless, pulling some leather tongs from her boot she quickly tied the girl’s hands. Pulling the semi-conscious girl to her feet, Faith heaved her up onto her shoulder.

“DAWN! CONAN! SUBOTIA!” she yelled, “TIME TO GO!”

Faith started to run for the passageway that they’d used to get in. As she ran her comrades got into their agreed positions to make their escape. Dawn, being the lightest on her feet would lead and scout for trouble. Subotia would stay near Faith and protect her from anyone that got past Dawn. Faith, being the strongest could carry their captive without any real difficulty. Conan would bring up the real and discourage any pursuit.

0=0=0=0

Glancing over his shoulder, Conan saw Faith and Subotia disappear down the passage. Clutching his blood wet sword he turned once more to watch the chamber for threats. Just as he was about to follow his friends Doom’s two supposed bothers appeared at the head of a band of guards on the other side of the chamber. If he couldn’t find Doom he could kill his brothers.

Screaming an incoherent challenge, Conan raced across the chamber his sword held high. Hacking and slashing at the guards who tried to slow his progress he attacked the brother that looked a bit like a fatter Lemmy from Motorhead. Ducking under ‘Lemmy’s’ great double bladed axe, Conan shoulder charged the man to the ground. He was just raising his sword to deliver the coupe de grasse when the other brother attacked. Ducking under the great blow of the huge wooden mallet wielded by the other brother, Conan suddenly realised that now was not the time to settle old scores. The guards were closing in and Doom’s brothers looked as if they meant business.

“Later,” Conan gasped as he dodged another swing of the mallet.

The great wooden hammer went over his head and struck the base of the snake totem. There was the loud crack as the stone shattered and the pillar started to topple. Seizing the moment Conan turned and ran.

0=0=0=0

Watching from a rough hewn balcony, Thulsa Doom saw the raiders gallop off into the moonlight with his bride. To say he was not best pleased would be an understatement. A priest passed him a bow as Doom took a snake from around his neck, he said some words of power and the snake became suddenly rigid.

“The infidel defilers,” he spoke quietly so only his brothers, who stood close by could hear, “they shall all drown in lakes of blood. Now they will know why they fear the dark. Now they will learn to fear the night.”

Placing the snake on the bow he drew the string to his ear and loosed it at the freeing raiders. The snake flew straight and true (obviously a Sidewinder) until it hit its target. One of the riders cried out in pain but didn’t fall; the sound of hoof beats faded into the night.

0=0=0=0


	23. Chapter 23

12.

Watching the flames consume Conan’s body, Faith fought back her tears. There was nothing to cry about, she told herself, he was just some big guy she’d screwed a few times. It wasn’t as if she’d loved him or anything, he was just some guy…

0=0=0=0

**~The night before~**

“I-I w-want to make a deal,” Faith stammered.

Death sighed as only Death could, he shook his head.

I DO NOT MAKE DEALS, he informed her in a voice like two slabs of lead being banged together.

“You’ll make one with me,” Faith’s hand moved to the hilt of her sword.

OR YOU WILL WHAT? KILL ME? again Death shook his head, IT IS TIME FOR HIM TO GO.

“Yeah, okay!” Faith frantically searched her mind for some way out of this situation, “Take me instead!”

NO. The world seemed to vibrate with the word’s finality, YOUR TIME IS NOT NOW, SLAYER.

Death looked at Faith, he saw everything that she tried to keep hidden, he didn’t ‘enjoy’ taking people’s loved ones away, however he had his ‘duty’…but, there might be some wriggle room here. After all there was the spell the wizard had cast, and the woman was the slayer, maybe…

HMMMM, Death scratched his bony chin with a skeletal finger, I MIGHT BE ABLE TO POSTPONE HIS DEPARTURE SOME WHAT.

“What?” Faith grasped for the straw that had been held out to her.

AFTER ALL, mused Death, I AM A BUSY ANTHROPOMORPHIC MANIFESTATION OF A NATURAL PHENOMENON…THINGS CAN GET FORGOTTEN ABOUT…FOR AWHILE.

“Eh?” Faith looked at Death completely mystified by what he was saying.

…I MEAN, continued Death, I DON’T **HAVE** TO TAKE HIM NOW… Death let the words hang in the air for a moment, I MEAN I COULD COME BACK FOR HIM LATER.

“So you won’t kill him?” Faith demanded.

I NEVER ‘KILL’, Death informed her, HE IS ALREADY DEAD, Death paused before saying I WILL BE BACK…LATER.

“So…” Faith found herself talking to the empty air as the world went back to normal.

0=0=0=0

The sparks from the funeral pyre rose into the night sky as Dawn stood a few paces behind Faith. Her tears streamed down her face to drip onto her breasts, she felt someone come up behind her and lay a hand gently on her shoulder.

“Why do you cry?” asked Akiro, “He wasn’t your man.”

“I’m crying for Faith,” Dawn sniffed, “she won’t cry, she’s the Slayer.”

0=0=0=0

“HE WILL COME FOR ME!” screamed the mayor’s daughter, “AND WHEN HE DOES HE’LL KILL YOU ALL!”

“She’s right you know,” Akiro pointed out as the depleted band sat around their fire and eat a silent breakfast.

The four friends turned to where the girl stood chained to the remains of a large pillar, she was still ‘dressed’ in her rather revealing costume from the night before. However, now what material there was of it was stained and ripped revealing even more white skin than it had before.

“Then,” Faith glanced over to where a thin trail of smoke still rose from Conan’s pyre, “we'll prepare a warm welcome for them.”

“You want us to, like, fight?” Dawn asked in surprise, “Hey, Faith they totally out number us wouldn’t it be better to…”

“If ya don’t want to stay,” Faith spat out the words, “ya can go and take the bitch with ya!”

“HEY!” Dawn stood up and glared down at Faith, “Don’t you dare pull that suicidal slayer crap on me! Just coz your honey, like totally died on you doesn’t mean you have to act like a complete jerk!”

“HE WASN’T MY…” shouted Faith, but Dawn could shout louder.

“ **SHUT, FREAKING, UP**!” Dawn yelled into Faith’s face, “I’ve had to live with Buffy whining on about Angel all my life, and then it was Spike or Riley…WELL I’M JUST ABOUT SICK OF LOVE SICK SLAYERS!” Dawn paused to take a breath, “Now get over it and stop being totally lame. Conan was a nice guy, now he’s dead. He wouldn’t want you to do anything stupid.”

Standing up, Faith turned and rushed off into the ruins.

0=0=0=0

“What the fucks going on?” asked Subotia.

“More women’s stuff,” Akiro announced wisely, “if you have any sense you’ll stay well out of it.”

“A-ha,” Subotia nodded his head, “I see.”

“Come on,” Akiro, got slowly to his feet, “we must prepare a welcome for Thulsa Doom.”

0=0=0=0

Standing on the balcony of his high tower, Toth Amon chortled and rubbed his hands with glee. Things were going better than he expected; Conan was dead, the older of the barbarian whores was bereft at the loss of her lover and was falling out with her companion. Both of the sluts were still unsure of whether they were pregnant or not. The steppe warrior and the miserably inept wizard were showing signs that they thought following the two women was foolish now Conan was dead.

“HA!” he barked as he looked out over the world.

If he let events take their course, Thulsa Doom would have all his enemies dead by the end of the day. All he, Toth Amon, would have to do was to let things unfold as they should. He could just sit back and wait.

0=0=0=0

Watching from the top of the wall next to where the mayor’s daughter was chained, Faith followed the dust cloud that marked the approach of Thulsa Doom and his men.

“They are so, totally screwed.”

Faith turned and looked down to see Dawn grinning up at her.

“I mean,” continued Dawn, “what sorta name is freaking Salsa Dumb?”

“Yeah,” agreed Faith after a moment, “like, we’ll kick his scrawny ass!”

Looking around Faith did wonder however, Doom hadn’t exactly given them a lot of time to prepare defences. Then of course she’d wasted a lot of time moping like a stupid schoolgirl over Conan. Would he have cried over her, she asked herself. Well, yeah, came the answer; right up until when he got drunk and found the first whore house. No, the time had come to fight and fighting was what the slayer did best.

“Okay, Dawn,” Faith jumped down from the wall, “You ready? Where are the guys?”

“I was born way ready!” she replied, then seeing Faith’s look added, “Hey, it seemed like the thing to say, okay?”

“Yeah, right,” Faith led the way as she walked briskly over to the camp area where Subotia and Akiro stood and waited. “Look,” she announced as she came to a halt facing the two men, “you two don’t have to fight you can get going, Dawn and me can deal.”

“No,” replied Akiro, “Conan was our friend too, we stay.”

“Jeez,” Faith sighed in relief, “that’s a relief, hoped you’d say that. Right, they’re coming on fast on horse back,” she pointed in the general direction of the fast approaching enemy. “There’s about twelve of the fuckers, but we have surprise on our side,” she hoped, “they’ll expect to be able to ride right over us, grab the girl and get gone in a couple of minutes. We’re gonna prove ‘em wrong.”

“RIGHT ON!” cried Dawn punching the air.

“What’s going on?” Subotia asked Akiro.

“We’re going to fight,” replied the old wizard.

“Oh,” nodded Subotia as he picked up his bow, “that’s good.

0=0=0=0

Riding at the head of the small party of his most trusted members of his Legion of Doom; Thulsa Doom glanced to left and right to see his brothers, Rexor and Thorgrim at his side. Doom smiled complacently; soon the barbarian bitches and their lackeys would feel his wrath. How dare they break into his stronghold and steal away his latest ‘squeeze’? 

Yes, now there was a point; Doom let his mind wonder for a moment, how had the barbarians gained access to his supposedly impregnable Fortress of Doom? When he got back he’d be asking questions…very ‘pointed’ questions about fortress security. Plus there had been the poor performance of his Legions of Doom. Some of Doom’s complacency started to slip away as he glanced around at his guards. Maybe he should have brought more men, just to be sure. No, no, he told himself, he had his brothers with him that should be enough. After all there were only three of them now Conan was dead.

Riding up to the ruins Doom could see no sign of his enemies; the girl was chained to an old broken pillar like bait. He didn’t really care about her, girls were ten a splonder and she had served her purpose now anyway. No, he was here for revenge; these barbarian scum had been a thorn in his side for weeks. It was time to deal with them, time to yank out the thorn and crush it under foot. Pulling up his horse, Doom signalled his brothers to lead the assault on the old temple and crush the upstart thieves and whores beneath their horse’s hooves.

0=0=0=0

Peeping over the top of a wall, Dawn saw Doom’s party stop less than a hundred paces away.

“Coward!” Dawn sneered as she saw the party split up and Doom hang back with a single guard as the rest of the party rode on towards the ruins.

A dozen paces to Dawn’s left Faith drew her sword and smiled a wolfish smile. Any moment now the bad guys would be riding into their trap and she would make them pay for killing Conan. Gauging the distance to the enemy by the sound of their horses, Subotia crouched behind a jumble of masonry, bow in hand and his first arrow notched on his string. A few paces away, Akiro sat cross legged muttering his spells. Subotia smiled to himself, he would trust in the strength of his bow and the sureness of his eye over the old wizard’s spells any day.

0=0=0=0

On rode the Legions of Doom, ever onward towards the ruined temple, as the last rider passed the first stone that marked the perimeter of the old temple precinct; a man in the centre of the column fell from his horse an arrow sticking out of his chest. There was a scream like a soul in torment as another man was dragged from his horse and pulled into the shelter of a wall. His cries were cut off sharply only moments later.

Calling a halt to the column’s head-long advance, Rexor and Thorgrim looked around in confusion, they could see no foes. Another man sprouted an arrow, this time from his eye; the two brothers ordered their remaining men to dismount and seek out the enemy. Men slid hurriedly from their saddles as yet another arrow cleaved the air above their heads this time doing no more than making them duck. Together the two brothers started forward to search through the ruins for their attackers; they didn’t have to search for long.

0=0=0=0

Jumping out from behind a tumbled down pillar, Faith took a swing at the brother who didn’t look like Lemmy from Motorhead. Unfortunately the brother moved at the last moment and her sword blade only cut the leather of his armour.

“Fuck!” she cursed as she recovered from her swing.

The two brothers turned and grinned in anticipation at what they would soon be doing to the barbarian woman. Rexor hefted his great wooden mallet in his hand as he took a step towards Faith. Taking a deep breath he raised his weapon to bring it crashing down on her head. Faith, however saw her chance and thrust with the point of her sword like a striking snake. The blade entered Rexor’s chest, the force of the thrust shattering ribs and cutting through his organs as if they weren’t there. The first three inches of Faith’s bloodied blade protruded from Rexor’s back as his knees gave way and he slumped to the ground. Thorgrim roared in anger and took a swing at Faith with his great double bladed axe. Faith ducked and rolled out of the way as she yanked her sword from Rexor’s ruined chest. One brother down, she smiled, one to go.

0=0=0=0

“Oh no!” cried Dawn in mock despair as she danced away from a clumsily aimed sword thrust, “Whatever shall I do?”

The two Legion of Doom soldiers tried to aim cuts and thrusts at the girl, but they never seemed to be able to hit her; whenever their attacks landed she wasn’t there.

“Oh dear,” Dawn spun away from another fruitless attack, “I’m just, like, a weak little girlie girl,” she parried a half heated thrust aimed at her stomach, “however will I fight off you two big strong men?”

There was a flurry of movement as the two warriors redoubled their efforts to kill the dancing girl. Dawn’s blade flashed in the setting sun as she pushed herself between the two warriors. For a moment the three bodies were locked together as they struggled to unlock their blades. There was a flash and one of Doom’s warriors vanished leaving behind only a pair of smouldering boots and a thin haze of greasy smoke. Dawn ducked down as the remaining warrior screamed and searched frantically for his comrade. Soon, however, his scream of fear and confusion was turned to one of pain as Dawn thrust her sword up under his armour and into his belly.

“Loser!” Dawn taunted as she pulled her sword free.

Tossing the Heart of Araman up into the air and catching it again, Dawn skipped away from her victim in search of more prey.

0=0=0=0

Standing up, like some dishevelled desert spirit, Akiro succeeded in scaring the crap out of the warrior. The old wizard had cast a camouflage spell and had remained unnoticed by the Legions of Doom as they hunted through the ruins. Deciding that the time had come to take a more active part in the proceedings, he waited until an enemy came within reach. Grasping his spear tightly in both hands he thrust at the warrior. Surprised the fighter made one feeble attempt at blocking the thrust before the spear point took him under the chin and lodged in his brain.

0=0=0=0

Loosing off his last arrow, Subotia watched in satisfaction as another enemy fell writhing to the ground. Drawing his sabre he trotted over to help the old wizard who was having trouble pulling his spear from a dead warrior’s head. Anyway the fight was almost over. He could see one wounded man stagger off towards where Doom still sat his horse. If he’d had any arrows left he’d have tried to kill both Doom and the wounded man. ‘Sunrise’ was merrily slitting the throats and robbing the purses of any enemies that still showed signs of life. That was women’s work anyway. Coming from behind a ruined wall he could hear the sound of a fight as steel crashed on steel.

0=0=0=0

Dodging out of the way of yet another axe attack from Thorgrim, Faith sighed tiredly. This was all getting really old now, time to bring the entire tedious business to an end. Thorgrim had been a firm believer in a good attack being the best form of defence. He was also very strong and it had taken a little while for Faith to wear him down. After all she might be a slayer, but that was a really big and sharp axe, she had no intention of it ever touching her precious skin. 

“Okay,” Faith announced tiredly, “enough is enough.”

Stepping forward she lashed out with a vicious side kick aimed at Thorgrim’s left knee. Just as the exhausted warrior lifted his axe, Faith’s kick landed. Screaming in agony as his knee cap shattered, he fell to the ground dropping his axe. He rolled across the sand clutching at his ruined leg. He was so preoccupied that he never noticed Faith step forward and bring her sword down on his neck. Watching Thorgrim’s head spin through the air as his blood made pretty patterns in the sand; Faith caught sight of Thulsa Doom still sitting his horse fifty paces away. If she could get to her horse perhaps she could catch up to him and bring this to an end right now.

0=0=0=0

Sitting atop his horse Doom watched the battle unfold before him with increasing alarm. His forces had been swiftly defeated, even his brothers had been cut down; he looked down in shock as the last survivor of the detachment crawled across the sand towards him.

“Hey, dude!” gasped the man as he looked up at his leader, “It was like a trap…there were four of ‘em, man!” 

With a final groan the man expired. Turning his horse towards Mount Doom, Doom realised that all wasn’t necessarily lost. If he could get back to his mountain stronghold he would have the mass of his followers to protect him, there was still hope.

“My lord!” the girl’s voice came to him across the desert, “My lord don’t leave me!”

Pulling up his horse, Doom turned to see the girl still chained to the pillar; he pulled his bow from its holder.

0=0=0=0

“MY LORD!”

Walking over to where the girl was chained, Faith shook her head; she’d realised that she’d not be able to catch Doom before he got back to his Fortress of Doom.

“Shut the fuck up,” Faith snapped as she got near the chained girl, “can’t ya get it through ya thick skull he doesn’t give a fuck whether you live or die?”

“MY LORD,” repeated the girl, “DON’T LEAVE ME!”

Faith sensed more than saw the arrow as it flashed through the twilight towards the girl’s chest; she plucked it out of the air just before it hit the girl and killed her. Snapping the arrow in two with an easy flick of her fingers Faith held the pieces in front of the girl’s face.

“I think the engagement’s off, kid.”

0=0=0=0


	24. Chapter 24

13.

“THE BASTARD!” screeched the mayor’s daughter, whose name was, Abiyshag. “Did you see that?”

Faith watched as Doom rode off into the fading light and ‘yes’ she’d seen the priest try to kill the girl.

“The fucker tried to kill me!” Abiyshag strained against her chains as she tried to break free.

Turning back to look at the girl, Faith smiled sadly and shook her head. There was nothing like attempted murder to spoil a relationship, been there, done that. Picking up the key that’d been hidden under a nearby stone she began to unlock the girl’s chains.

“We came to take ya back to your old man,” Faith informed her as she released the girl from the last of her restraints.

“OH MY GOD!” cried the girl, “Daddy!” she turned to Faith as she rubbed her wrists, “He’s gonna be soooooo pissed at me!”

“Yeah, well,” Faith shrugged her shoulders as she led the girl down towards their camp, “I think he’ll be happy to see ya,” one thousand gold sheckles happy she added to herself.

“I don’t know what I saw in him, y’know,” Abiyshag pulled what remained of her clothing more tightly around her as she stepped delicately between the corpses. “I mean,” she sniffed, “he wasn’t even that good in bed.”

They had arrived at the camp where Dawn, Subotia and Akiro were cleaning themselves and their gear free of blood.

“It was all about the snakes with him,” Abiyshag sat down by the fire and stared into its flames. “Every time we did, you know, ‘it’…just as we got to the exciting bit he’d turn into a snake! I mean…yuck!”

Dawn clamped her hand across her mouth and tried not to laugh.

“It doesn’t help, y’know,” Abiyshag complained sadly, “turning into a snake like that…its weird.”

“Yeah well,” Dawn, now back in control of herself moved and sat down next to Abiyshag and placed a comforting hand on the younger girl’s shoulder. “Hi, I’m Dawn by the way, that’s Faith,” Dawn pointed out the members of her band, “Subotia and Akiro, what’s your name?”

“Abiyshag,” replied Abiyshag.

“W-what d-do they call you for short?” Dawn was having another fit of the giggles, “And please don’t say ‘Shag’!”

“No,” replied Abiyshag perplexed at Dawn’s obvious amusement, “daddy calls me Abiy…he’s gonna kill me when I get home. I’m gonna be so grounded ‘til I’m, like old and grey!”

“I’m sure he won’t,” Dawn tried to sound reassuring, “will he, Faith?”

“Nah,” replied Faith as she checked the edge of her sword for sharpness.

“What y’gonna do like now?” Dawn stood up and walked around the fire to stand next to Faith.

“Tomorrow, I’m gonna ride in there and kill Doom,” Faith slid her sword back into its scabbard.

“Um, excuse me,” everyone turned to see Abiy waving her hand in the air trying to attract everyone’s attention. “If there’s any killing to be done, you better do it tonight.”

“Why?” demanded Faith.

“Because, like, snake-boy is totally gonna screw things up tonight,” Abiy looked from face to face in the firelight, she explained further. “Tonight he’s sending his, like followers out to start their freaking ‘Holy Crusade’ an’ totally kill all the, like important people so he can, like, take over the world…totally!”

“Oh,” shrugged Faith unimpressed.

“Been there, like done that,” Dawn sighed.

“But…” squeaked Abiy in surprise.

“Same old, same old,” explained Dawn tiredly, “turn into a snake, take over the world, way unoriginal.”

“Crap,” Faith stood up and adjusted her sword belt, “I’m gonna have to stop him, aren’t I?”

“Yeah,” agreed Dawn, “and I’m coming too.”

“But…” Faith started to tell Dawn ‘no’.

“Look, Faith I’m coming and you’re not going to stop me…”

“Me too!” cried Abiy jumping to her feet, “Me too! I want to see that bastard die!”

“Oh!” Faith looked at the two girls, and finally shrugged her shoulders, “Okay, if ya wanna come, come. But ya do as you’re told right?”

Dawn and Abiy nodded their heads eagerly.

0=0=0=0

Watching the proceedings with growing confusion, Subotia eventually turned to Akiro.

“What’s going on?” he asked, the women had been jabbering on with growing excitement for several minutes now.

Turning to gaze at the steppe warrior, Akiro looked deeply into the man’s eyes. He really had no idea what was happening, Akiro coughed to clear his throat.

“Even more women’s stuff,” he said after a moment or two, “you really don’t want to know.”

“I don’t?” Subotia glanced up to where the three women stood around the fire arguing.

“No.”

“Oh,” Subotia shrugged and went back to repairing his arrows, “you’re probably right.”

0=0=0=0

Having galloped through the night the three vengeful women reached the Temple of Doom. Here they found the Followers of Doom lined up on the Staircase of Doom performing some religious rite.

“How do we get in?” Dawn asked.

“We can go through the kitchen again,” Faith suggested.

“You mean,” sniggered Dawn, “like, the Kitchen of Doom?”

“Which leads to the Hall of Doom,” smiled Abiy.

“And…” Dawn was giggling quite loudly by now, “and the Bedroom of Doom…”

“What about the en Suite Bathroom of Doom!?” laughed Abiy nearly falling off her horse.

“HEY!” Faith silenced the girl’s with an angry frown, “You’re not gonna make me regret bring ya, are ya?”

“No Faith,” Dawn tried to keep her face straight.

“No Miss,” added Abiy.

“Good,” Faith turned away from the girls and smiled to herself; ‘Bedroom of Doom’ that was quite good, she’d been to a few of those in her time. Anyway no time for that, snake priests to kill.

0=0=0=0

Ramming her sword into the back of the guard, Faith clamped her hand over his mouth to stifle any cries for help. The guard sagged in her arms as she lay him quietly on the ground. They’d galloped around the mountain until they’d come to the entrance to the Kitchen of Doom. Luckily Thulsa Doom hadn’t had time to do more than post a few guards. Faith had made short work of them. Leaving a trail of dead bodies behind them the girls had climbed the slope and entered by the same passageway as they had before. The Kitchen of Doom was empty.

“This way,” whispered Abiy as she led them along a rough stone passage and out into one with smooth stone walls.

Silently they padded along the corridor (of Doom) until they came to a junction where two warriors stood guard.

“My turn,” Dawn stepped forward only to have her arm grabbed by Faith.

“Hey,” she whispered, “let me it too dangerous.”

“What do you mean, like, its too dangerous?” whispered Dawn angrily, “I can totally handle these bozos,” she shook her arm free of Faith’s grasp, “you’re beginning to sound like Buffy.”

Stunned by the accusation, Faith let go and watched as Dawn sauntered towards the guards.

0=0=0=0

“Hey, guys,” Dawn smiled brightly as she approached the two men.

“Hey, dude-ette,” grinned the first guard, “like what cha doin’, huh?”

“Oh,” Dawn reached up and ran a finger lightly along the line of the first guard's jaw, “nothin’ much. The Boss, he said you guys had been goin’, like such a slap up job that you deserved a prize.”

“Like, he did?” gasped the first guard.

“Like, wow, man,” agreed the second guard.

Dawn made suggestive movements involving her hand and the hilt of her sword.

“Now,” she smiled, “if you both close your eyes I’ll give you your prize.”

“Hey, man” laughed the first guard, “I just know this is gonna be totally awesome.”

The two men closed their eyes and grinned foolishly. There were two bright flashes in rapid succession as the guards turned to ash leaving only two pairs of smoking sandals to mark their passing. Putting the Heart of Araman back in its pouch, Dawn turned and signalled her companions forward.

“Wow, Dawn!” grinned Abiy, “That was like, totally awesome!”

“SHH!” Ordered Faith; she had the feeling that she was losing control of this commando raid, “Quiet, we’ve still got a ways to go yet.”

“Yeah, right,” agreed Dawn.

“Can I kill the next guard?” Abiy wanted to know, “Pleeeeeeease!?”

“Jeez,” Faith sighed in despair.

0=0=0=0

“Lady Abiyshag!” the guard exclaimed without a hint of amusement, “I thought you’d been captured by the rebels.”

“I escaped,” replied Abiy haughtily, “now tell me where my Lord is.”

“The Great Lord of Doom,” replied the guard formally, “Is out on the Staircase of Doom addressing the Followers of Doom, ma’am.”

“Thank-you,” Abiy took a long sharp knife from under her ripped robes and slashed it across the guard’s throat while he was looking the other way.

“COOOOL!” squealed Abiy as she jumped back to avoid the worst of the blood; the guard gurgled his last and fell to the floor.

“That’s so amazingly awesome,” giggled Abiy as Faith and Dawn ran up to her; Faith took the knife from the girl’s blood wet hand.

“That was wicked cool,” congratulated Dawn.

“Look!” snapped Faith, “Will you two stop acting like a couple of schoolgirls on their first date?”

“Sorry,” chastened Dawn hung her head.

“Is she always this grumpy?” Abiy whispered.

“No,” replied Dawn pointedly, “she used to be fun.”

“Will you two stop fucking about?” Faith held onto her temper by her finger nails, “If ya don’t take this more seriously I’ll…I’ll…I’ll leave you behind next time.”

“Oh, Faith!” whined the girls.

0=0=0=0

Back hard up against the cold marble wall, Faith peeped around the corner to see Thulsa Doom standing at the top of the stairs leading to the temple. Before him like a great murmuring sea of fire stood the Followers of Doom. Each follower held high a burning torch that lit up the valley filled to overflowing with Doom’s white robed slaves. On the staircase below Doom stood a few black robed priests, there were no more guards in evidence.

“Look,” Faith spoke softly so as not to be overheard, “I’ll go out and kill the bastard. You two stay here and watch my back, okay?”

“Yeah, okay,” agreed Dawn soberly, the time for jokes had passed.

“As long as I can watch you do it,” demanded Abiy in a loud whisper.

“Dawn?” pleaded Faith.

“No worries,” confirmed Dawn with a reassuring smile, “I’ve got your back.”

0=0=0=0

“The purging is at last at hand…” Thulsa Doom spoke with a magically enhanced voice so all his followers could hear clearly.

“Doom!” murmured the crowd.

“The Day of Doom is here…” continued Doom.

Faith cast an angry look over her shoulder as she heard Dawn giggle from around the corner.

“All that is evil, all that have eyes,” cried Doom, “your parents, your leaders. Those that would call themselves your judges,” Doom’s voice rose in volume as Faith sneaked ever closer.

“Those who have lied…” Doom was really getting into it now and his audience was lapping it up, “and corrupted the world! They shall all be cleansed…”

“DOOM!” roared the crowd like a wave crashing against the rocks.

“You my children, are the water,” explained Doom, “that will wash away all that has come before. In your hand you hold my light…”

Faith was only a few paces behind Doom now, in a moment he would be dead. There were no more guards and the black robed priests would never reach her in time to save him. Faith felt the weight of her sword in her hand and felt comforted, she was the slayer, she was invincible. No magic, snake-priest, bastard could stand before her…she was Faith the Buff Barbarian!

“…the gleam in the eye of Sett,” Doom continued unaware of his approaching nemesis. “This flame will burn away the darkness! BURN YOU A WAY TO PARADICE!

“ **DOOOOOM!** ” roared the crowd once more.

Sensing something, Doom turned to see Faith standing behind him. The crowd cried out in alarm as they saw the figure that menaced their messiah; some rushed forward but were held back by the black robed priests who were unsure what they should do. For a long moment Doom gazed into Faith’s eyes, finally he spoke.

“My child,” Doom’s voice was soft as silk and as sweet as honey, “You have come to me, my daughter.” Doom shifted his torch into his other hand all the time keeping his eyes locked onto Faith’s. “For who now is your father if it is not me?” asked Doom, “Who gave you the will to live?” Doom smiled at Faith, “I am the wellspring from which you flow…”

Faith felt as if she was floating on the warm, soft, sea of Doom’s words, she wanted to bask there in the light of his presence for ever and ever.

“When I am gone…” Doom almost sounded sad, “…you will have never been.”

Hold on, thought Faith, back up there a minute. Who was this asshole trying to kid? The slayer in Faith, never very far from the surface, reasserted her control over Faith’s mind, she smiled at Doom…was that doubt she saw in his eyes?

“Hey, asshole,” Faith took a final step towards Doom, “I don’t know who my father was,” she grinned at the look of fear that had started to creep slowly over Doom’s face. “But I’m sure that my mother, however big a whore she might’ve been, would never go with a loser like you!”

Raising her sword, Faith brought it down like lightning on the side of Doom’s neck, much to her surprise it didn’t cut all the way through. Raising her sword again she struck again as Doom fell to his knees and clutched at the mortal wound in his neck. He gazed up at Faith, shock and fear in his eyes. The sword flashed down cutting deeply into Doom’s neck. A great gasp arose from the mouths of Doom’s followers as the watched in impotent rage as their leader was cut down before their very eyes. Grabbing hold of Dooms long hair Faith hauled back on it lifting his body up from the floor of the temple; raising her sword a third time she finally hacked off his head. Holding up the severed, bloody, head she showed it to the crowd.

They screamed in despair, leaderless they milled about at the foot of the long stairway. Behind her, Faith could hear Abiy cheer and clap her hands in glee at the death of Doom. Then, in a final show of contempt, Faith hurled the bloody head down the stairs towards the crowd. It landed with a crunch of shattering skull bones and the soft wet ‘splat’ of blood, it bounced down a few steps until it came to rest about halfway down towards the mob. For a moment the crowd became silent, then there was a low moan that grew in volume until it sounded like a swam of angry bees.

“OOOOOOH! CRAP!” Faith turned and ran as the Followers of Doom surged up the stairs in their determination to rip apart the woman who had killed their leader. “RUN!” yelled Faith as she grabbed Dawn and Abiy, dragging them through the corpse littered Temple of Doom only a few steps ahead of the avenging horde of Doom.

Running into the Hall of Doom, Faith pushed the two girls towards the exit, “I’ll be along in a second!” she cried.

Pulling Abiy behind her, Dawn ran on knowing not to argue with Faith in situations like this. Turning, Faith heard what sounded like a million angry homicidal maniacs making their way towards her through the temple. There was no way even she could fight them all, she looked around and her eyes fell on the torches that lit the chamber and the wall hangings and soft furnishings. Grabbing a torch she quickly ran around the hall setting fire to everything that would burn. With hardly a backward glance she tossed the torch over her shoulder and headed for the exit. As her feet slapped on the stone floor she could just hear the cries of rage and despair coming from the crowd over the sound of the fire behind her.

0=0=0=0

Stalking silently through the smouldering ruins of Doom’s temple, Toth Amon muttered darkly to himself. Would he never get his revenge on those two barbarian whores who’d killed him? It appeared they led charmed lives, every subtle plan he hatched seemed to fail. All his unwitting servants fell before their blades. What was he to do? How was he to end the lives of these two…two…words failed him for a moment, really, really annoying women?

Well, he thought as he stood amid the ruins of Doom’s dreams, the gloves were coming off now. No more Mr Nice-Zombie-Wizard, no more ‘subtle’. From now on it was going to be all out, toe to toe mortal combat with those barbarian bitches. He laughed hollowly as a new plan formed in his mind; yes that would do very nicely. It might take a little time to arrange but when it was ready…oh how he hoped he’d be there to see their faces.

 **“MAW-HA-HA!”** he laughed evilly.

0=0=0=0

EPILOGUE.

_Mourning the loss of her one true love, Faith led her companions back to the city of Haafi. There she and Dawn returned the wayward daughter of the Mayor. With a heavy heart they accepted the reward money, and having no further concerns there, left before anyone could change their minds and stop them! Leaving Subotia and Akiro in that great city, Faith and Dawn sort adventure and fortune to the north in the Shattered Kingdoms. Here they fought in many feuds and wars; honour and fear were heaped upon their names until, in time, they became Queens by their own hands…_

_…But that, as they say, is another story._

0=0=0=0


	25. Chapter 25

**Part Three.  
Of Handsome Princes and Witches.**

The tavern seemed to vibrate with the noise of the thunderous applause, over on the little stage, Dawn climbed to her feet having finished her dance routine. Smiling she waved in acknowledgement as the crowd of hunters, traders and adventurers cheered, clapped and stamped there feet in appreciation of her performance. More importantly they threw money.

Standing off and to one side of the stage, Faith realised she was just standing there with her mouth open in shocked amazement. She should be out there helping Dawn pick up the money and preventing her from being dragged off into the crowd by some over enthusiastic fan. Closing her mouth with a snap, she came back to the present and jumped up onto the stage to help her friend collect the coins that lay thickly on the wooden boards. Finding her mouth only inches away from Dawn’s ear, Faith spoke up loudly.

“What the fuck do y’think ya doing?” Faith picked up a handful of small silver coins.

“Like, what do you mean?” Dawn looked sharply at her friend as she swept up the last of the coins.

“Are ya trying to get y’self dragged into the crowd and gang raped?” Faith snapped.

“Hey, like it’s never bothered you before,” Dawn sounded a little hurt at her friend’s reaction; she’d worked hard perfecting her latest routine.

With a final wave and smile, Dawn skipped from the stage followed by a sullen Faith, who clutched handfuls of coins to her chest.

“You never danced almost naked before,” Faith pointed out when they got to the relative quiet of the tiny backstage area.

Wearing little more than a thong, nipple tassels and some bangles, Dawn left little to the overheated imaginings of her audience. 

“Yeah, well,” Dawn slipped a tunic on over her head, “we’ve got to eat.”

“Yeah but…” the words died on Faith’s tongue.

The thousand sheckles that Faith and Dawn had got off the mayor of Haafi for rescuing his daughter hadn’t lasted as long as they’d hoped. When they’d moved into the Shattered Kingdoms, Faith had hoped that the opportunities for roving freebooters, like herself and Dawn, would be greater than in the more civilised lands near the coast. Unfortunately it appeared that the petty kingdoms and city states that made up the Shattered Kingdoms were going through an unusually peaceful period.

Not being able to find any wars or feuds to fight in the two women had fallen back on their more peaceful skills; Faith had taken various jobs as either a caravan guard or bodyguard, while Dawn had been dancing in wine shops and taverns. At the moment both Dawn and Faith were employed at a large tavern situated in a small village that owed its existence to the crossroads of two important trade routes. Faith was employed as a ‘bouncer’ while Dawn danced every night on the little stage in the great hall.

While the job gave them food and kept a roof over their heads it wasn’t going to make their fortunes. Each week that past Dawn had worn less than the week before and her dance routines had become more ‘risqué’. Tonight’s performance had been the most blatantly sexual so far. Faith had always felt responsible and protective for her younger companion since they’d found themselves in this strange world. She’d always hoped that Dawn would never have to do any of the more ignominious things that she’d had to do to survive before she’d become a slayer. Faith felt like she was letting Dawn down in some way.

“Yeah I know,” Faith sighed as she watched Dawn slip into her skirt, “we gotta eat.”

“Come on,” Dawn smiled and rested her hand on Faith’s shoulder, “let’s go somewhere quiet and like count my ill gotten gains!”

Heading on down to the kitchens, Faith called to the tavern keeper that she was taking a break.

“Y’know,” Faith sat down on a bench across a rough wooden table from Dawn, “we could roll old Acaph, torture where he hides his stash outta him and be outta here.”

“Yeah we could,” agreed Dawn with a nod as she dumped handfuls of mismatched coins on the table, “but would you totally do that? I mean, Acaph isn’t so bad.”

In fact Acaph, the tavern keeper and his wives had been really good to Faith and Dawn and the two women had grown quite attached to the old guy and his family.

“You’re right,” agreed Faith, she watched as Dawn sorted the coins into piles, “how much?”

“Not bad,” admitted Dawn, “but not enough to get us out of here.”

“Crap!” Faith cursed just as Acaph came up behind her.

“Dawn,” the old man stood there in his leather apron wiping his hands on a dirty rag, “when you’re ready can you do another dance? They’re going wild out there.”

Listening Faith could hear the sound of broken cups as the tavern’s customers got more and more rowdy as they called for Dawn’s reappearance; sighing Dawn and Faith got up.

“Like, no rest for the wicked,” muttered Dawn, she looked at Acaph, “I’ll just put this away then I’ll be down, okay?”

“Good,” Acaph looked nervously in the direction of the hall, “Faith you better make sure they don’t wreck the place.”

“Sure thing, Boss,” walking towards the entrance to the hall, Faith picked up a cudgel, “right on it.”

0=0=0=0

The riot didn’t break out until about half way through Dawn’s second number. A group of hunters decided to storm the stage. There was a cry of, ‘Get offa me you freaks!’ from Dawn and this seemed to be the signal for hostilities to break out throughout the hall. Faith jumped up on the stage and made short work of the half dozen men who were trying to drag Dawn off to enjoy her ‘charms’ in private. Dawn had, up until this point, been holding her own against the hunter’s drunken advances waiting for Faith to appear. Faith’s sudden and violent appearance had tilted the scales inexorably in favour of women’s lib.

Once Dawn was safe, Faith plunged back into the maelstrom that was the main hall. Laying out customers left and right, she soon had the situation in hand and most of the tavern’s patrons decided that fighting the fur bikini clad warrioress wasn’t a good idea. They either retook their seats or left; the most stubborn of the rioters were encouraged to leave by the judicious use of Faith’s boot.

0=0=0=0

The following day, after helping restore the tavern to something approaching its former glory; Faith and Dawn walked the mile or so to where a small river flowed. The river, little more than a stream really, ambled between the rolling hills that surrounded the flood plain that was the main feature of this part of the world. They followed the path until it came to a shallow ford before turning downstream to where the river opened out into a natural pool surrounded by bushes and trees. After checking that they’d not been followed, the two young women stripped off and jumped laughing into the cool water.

Lying on her back in the water, Faith drifted on the current around and around the pool; every now and then she’d kick with her legs to prevent herself from running aground on the river bank. Sighing contentedly she lay in the water almost becoming one with the river. It was restful and peaceful here away from the bustle of the tavern and the caravan parks. Sometimes she thought she could stay like this forever, she smiled, she knew herself well enough to know that without something to fight she’d go mad within a week.

Raising her head from the water slightly, Faith checked on Dawn; the kid…no, Faith corrected herself, young woman now. It'd been hard to think of ‘the brat’ as anything other than B’s annoying little sister. But in the year or so they’d been here, Dawn had grown up in every sense of the word. Almost daily, Faith thanked whoever was in charge of the universe that she’d been stuck here with Dawn and not anyone else. 

Standing up in the water, Faith walked over to where Dawn sat on a blanket plucking wayward hairs from her body with a pair of tweezers; she was working quickly and without the slightest sign of discomfort. Faith had stopped shaving her legs and underarms ages ago. Dawn, however, had to be careful with her personal grooming, no one wanted to see a hairy exotic dancer. Lying down on her own blanket, Faith felt the sun start to dry her off as she lay back to do some sunbathing, bikini lines were such a turn off.

0=0=0=0

Waking up with a start, Faith turned to Dawn to see her friend look up from her plucking and around at the surrounding bushes.

“What’s…?” Faith began only to be interrupted by a cry for help; it seemed to be coming from the direction of the ford.

“Like, crap,” cursed Dawn, reaching for her blouse and skirt.

“Stay here,” Faith was on her feet, sword in hand, in about half a second.

“Screw that!” Dawn was on her feet just behind Faith, her clothes in one hand her sword in the other.

Looking from her clothes to her sword, Dawn shook her head, cast away her clothes and ran after Faith who was making her way swiftly along the river bank towards the ford.

Running around a clump of bushes, Faith checked her headlong advance for just a second to take in the scene before her. Six ruffians were busy attacking an old guy; he appeared to be a tinker judging by the pots and pans that lay scattered on the ground. The toughs had the old man on the ground, while a couple of them kicked the unfortunate man another two searched through his pack scattering his tools and wares across the track. A fifth man appeared to be directing operations, obviously the leader while a sixth, and by far the biggest, stood just behind the band’s chief laughing at the unlucky tinker’s fate.

Satisfied that there were no additional forces hidden nearby, Faith raised her sword, gave a loud warbling warcry and rushed at the miscreants. As one the bandits turned at the sound of Faith’s warcry to see the naked warrioress charging towards them. Thinking that all their birthdays had come at once they hesitated before drawing their own weapons; their hesitation would prove fatal.

Running towards the biggest bandit, Faith noted that none of the robbers were doing anything to protect themselves. Mentally, she shrugged, if they wanted to be stupid, sexist, bastards then that was alright by her. It was only when she got to within a couple of yards of the big robber that the bandits started to think something was wrong and began to go for their swords; for the big robber it was already too late. Swinging her sword, Faith cut the thief's head clean off. The severed head spun one way as blood fountained up into the air only to fall to the ground like thick red rain seconds later. The decapitated body stood for a moment before its legs finally gave way and the body fell to the ground like a felled tree. By now the remaining five bandits had their swords out and where moving in to attack the female berserk.

Her feet sliding on the dusty ground, Faith skidded to a halt and turned to face the rest of the gang. In accordance with the laws of ‘Fantasy Sword-fights’ the outlaws attacked her one at a time while the unengaged bandits danced around giving the impression of violent action. Parrying her attacker’s blade, Faith ran the man through. He gasped and looked down foolishly at the blade that stuck out of his stomach. Slumping to the ground as Faith pulled her sword free the robber died without a sound.

The remaining four robbers backed away from Faith; obviously this woman wasn’t your usual run of the mill, naked, sword wielding, homicidal, sex object. No, they collectively thought, this woman actually appeared to be dangerous; it was time to rethink their tactics. At some unspoken signal the four remaining robbers turned to flee…only to come face to face with yet another nude, sword owning and attractive young woman. This really wasn’t their day. Smiling, Dawn lunged forward thrusting her sword through the body of one of the stunned robbers. He cried out as the sword passed easily in and out of his stomach just before he collapsed at Dawn’s feet. By now the three remaining bandits realised they were in big trouble, they were surrounded with no means of escape. They formed themselves into a defensive triangle and tried to protect themselves.

There was a sickening ‘crunch’ as one of the robbers had his legs lopped off. Lying on the ground the unfortunate man just had time enough to see his legs still standing there before a razor sharp blade passed across his throat and he saw no more. The outlaw band now reduced to two members decided that discretion was the better part of valour and cast their weapons away in an attempt to surrender. It did them no good; Faith took a pace forward and decapitated one bandit while Dawn droved her sword through the other. Standing amidst the bodies, Faith and Dawn nodded to each other in satisfaction before turning and trotting over to where the old tinker lay.

0=0=0=0


	26. Chapter 26

2.

“Hey,” Dawn knelt down beside the bruised and beaten old pot maker, “you alright?”

“Please!” wailed the old man as he cowered away from Dawn’s hand, “I have nothing! Please don’t kill me!”

“Hey,” Faith walked over after checking that the bandits were really dead and not faking, “we’re not bandits, we’re the good guys.”

Hesitantly the tinker looked up, he turned around and noticed the pile of dead bandits and smiled; then he looked from Dawn to Faith and smiled more widely.

“I would argue with the description of ‘guys’,” he chuckled as he let Dawn help him to his feet.

“Are you hurt?” Dawn asked as she put her hand gently on the old man’s shoulder.

“I’m fine,” nodded the tinker, “thanks to you. Those,” he pointed to where his former tormentors lay, “would have killed be for my pots and tools…as I say I have nothing, I’m sorry I’ve nothing to give you as a reward.”

“Don’t sweat it, old man,” Faith made a dismissive gesture with her hand, “it’s on the house.”

Bending, Faith helped Dawn collect the old man’s pots and pans and pass them to the tinker who replaced them in his pack. While they worked the old man grinned and gave the two young women appreciative glances.

“There ya go, old man,” Faith helped the tinker put his pack back on his back, “you’ll be okay now, right?”

“I’ll be fine,” smiled the tinker, “and I thank you for your kindness I only wish I had some way of rewarding you.”

“As my buddy said,” Dawn smiled and hid her bloody sword behind her back, “think nothing of it, it was like totally our pleasure.”

“Thank-you again,” with a wave the tinker turned away and started to walk off; then he paused in mid step. “There is one thing,” he turned to face Dawn and Faith again and started to open a pouch that hung from his belt. “I have this,” he pulled out a thick square of parchment, “I got it some years ago but I’m too old to use it now…here,” he held the parchment out to Dawn, “it’s a map.”

“A map of what?” Dawn took the offered document and started to unfold it carefully.

“Its supposed to show the route to an enchanted palace,” the old man shrugged, “I don’t know how true it is, it could be a load of rubbish, but they do say…”

“Who says?” Faith asked suspiciously; she’d seen more than enough so-called treasure maps in her time in this world, all of them had proved to be bogus.

“Oh, people,” the tinker replied nonchalantly.

“Go on,” Dawn’s eyes shone bright with the light of avarice, “what do people say?”

“Well, they do say,” continued the old man conspiratorially, “that within this enchanted palace lies a sleeping prince who was enchanted by an evil sorceress. He can only be woken by a maid who kisses him three times. Once awake it’s said that he will shower his benefactor with riches beyond her wildest dreams!”

“Hey,” Dawn scratched her head as she studied the map, “look, I have some pretty wild dreams.”

“Whatever,” the old man shrugged, “as I say this could all be some wild fairy tale. There’s probably no palace and no prince, but…” The tinker let the word hang in the air as he watched Dawn and Faith study the map. “Anyway,” the old man shrugged, “take it or leave it as you will. Perhaps it shows the way to fortune and fame. Perhaps it only shows the way to a fool’s errand. Whichever it is, it’s all I have to give you.”

“Yeah,” Dawn looked up from the map and studied the old man for a moment, “thanks, maybe we’ll like look into it.”

“As you will,” the old man waved and turned away.

Glancing down, Dawn studied the map once more, it certainly looked like a real map there were even landmarks on it that she recognised.

“What d’ya think?” Faith asked as she looked over Dawn’s shoulder, “Think there could be something to it?”

“Maybe.” Dawn replied uncertainly, “it looks genuine enough,” she looked up to ask the old man a question only to find him gone, “Where’d he go?”

“What?” Faith looked up to search for the old tinker, he was nowhere in sight.

Looking up and down the track neither Dawn nor Faith could see any sign of the tinker. There was no way he could’ve moved fast enough to have got out of sight so quickly. The land next to the river was flat for several miles and apart from the bushes by the river it was devoid of any cover.

“Wicked!” Dawn gazed around a smile slowly spreading across her face, “I totally know what this is…there!”

Following Dawn’s pointing finger, Faith looked to find that the bodies of the six bandits had vanished.

“Hey, what’s going on?” Faith hefted her sword in her hand and looked warily around.

“This totally proves the map’s real,” Dawn announced excitedly.

“What’d’ya mean?” Faith was not so easily convinced; the mere disappearance of an old tinker and half a dozen bodies proved nothing in her book.

“Well look,” Dawn slapped the map with the back of her hand, “it’s obviously one of those test things.

“Tests?” Faith didn’t like tests, it was one of the reasons she’d stopped going to school; tests meant someone was trying to catch you out.

“Totally,” Dawn turned and started to walk towards where they’d left their clothes.

“Hold on!” Faith grabbed Dawn by the shoulder and hauled her to a halt, “Right, explain to me what’s goin’ on.”

“Okay,” Dawn stopped and took a deep breath, “it’s simple…we save the old guy when we totally didn’t have to. Then we say it’s okay that he’s got nothing to reward us with, with me so far?”

“Yeah, okay,” reluctantly Faith nodded her head, she still couldn’t see how this was a test and how that made the map real.

“Cool,” Dawn took another deep breath, “the old tinker guy he must be, like, some totally powerful god or something; he goes around seeing who’s naughty or nice and totally gives the nice people, us,” Dawn pointed to herself and then Faith, “a prize.”

“You think?” Faith frowned, in her experience things like this just didn’t happen; she had a strong feeling that this was all going to turn ‘round and bite them both on the butt.

“Uh-huh,” Dawn nodded her head eagerly, “it’s in all the best fairy tales…”

“Fairy tales?” Faith frowned harder; Dawn was basing her actions on fairy tales? “I ain’t so sure…”

“Look,” Dawn skipped along the path to where they’d left their clothes and started to dress; “it’s in legends too and have you got anything better to do? Or were you planning on staying at the tavern until we’re both old and grey?”

Opening her mouth to speak, Faith closed it as quickly as she’d opened it; Dawn was right, they really hadn’t got anything better to do. They were never going to make much money working at the tavern. How long would it be before one of them slipped up and got themselves killed or worse yet, pregnant? No, Faith told herself as she slipped into her fur bikini, the time had come to move on. If they were going to die or even start a family they might as well do it whist daring great deeds and striving for fame and fortune, after all wasn’t that why they’d come here in the first place?

“Okay,” Faith settled her sword on her hip, “we’ll go look for this palace place.”

Giving an excited cheer, Dawn clapped her hands and bounced up and down on the balls of her feet.

“But!” Faith held up a warning finger, “We do this properly, we get rope and lanterns and stuff,” Faith counted off points on her fingers; she didn’t really know what they’d need but being prepared seemed like a good idea. “And the first time we see any long haired princess in high towers or something we’re outta there, right?”

“Right!” Dawn agreed hardly able to contain her excitement.

“Okay,” slightly mollified Faith led the way across the river valley towards the tavern, “so, how much money do we have?”

0=0=0=0

As it turned out, just enough. On getting back to the tavern the two young women made their way up to the room in the attic where they lived. Faith pulled up the loose floorboard under which they’d hidden their cash and Dawn started to count the money in the purses. Luckily for them they’d made enough money to buy two riding horses and a pack animal; some dried rations, rope, a tent, cooking pots, blankets and a couple of good spears. The following morning they said a tearful farewell to Acaph, the tavern keeper, his wives and children. They set off towards the river following the route set out on the map.

0=0=0=0

“If I’ve got this right,” Dawn rode along as she studied the map, “it should only take a week or so to reach this palace place.”

“A week?” Faith turned in her saddle to look at Dawn; a week spent riding? Already her inner thighs were beginning to chafe against her saddle.

“About that,” Dawn agreed, “of course there’s bound to be stuff to slow us down.

“Stuff?” Faith asked suspiciously, “What sorta stuff?”

“Oh, y’know, stuff,” Dawn replied non-committally, “Like tests and things.”

“I thought you said we’d passed the tests,” Faith said uneasily.

“Yeah well,” Dawn shifted uncomfortably in her saddle; it wasn’t that her thighs were chaffing that made her wriggle about it was the thought of what Faith might do to her if this didn’t turn out well that had her worried. “There’s always additional tests on quests like this.

“Yeah?” the only ‘quest’ Faith knew about was, ‘Monty Python and the Holy Grail’; while that’d been really funny, Faith had the feeling that this quest wouldn’t provide half as many laughs. “I just hope you know the airspeed velocity of an African Swallow.”

“What?” It was Dawn’s turn to look confused. “Look,” she sighed, “I don’t suppose it’ll be anything too difficult…”

Faith made a sort of growling noise in the back of her throat that told Dawn exactly what she thought of that idea.

“…after all we’ve already proved we’re virtuous and brave,” Dawn pointed out.

“Virtuous?” Faith sounded a little worried at Dawn’s use of the word.

“Yeah like, righteous, worthy, upright, honest, moral…” she paused and looked at Faith for a moment, she sighed, “...yeah I see what you mean.”

“And wasn’t there something about one of us being a maiden?” It’d been some time since Faith could describe herself as a maiden.

Dawn had stopped being a ‘maiden’ just before Queen Taramis’ guards had tried to grab her for the vacant virgin sacrifice position. Luckily they’d had Conan the Barbarian with them at the time otherwise there could have been a problem.

“Look,” Dawn tried to sound positive, “we’ll think of something,” she looked into Faith’s sceptical eyes, “honest!”

0=0=0=0

A night and a day past as our two intrepid heroes rode on, their inner thighs becoming more chaffed and sore with each passing mile. Very soon they left the river valley and started to ride up into the tree covered hills that surrounded the valley. The further they rode the thicker the trees became as the landscape changed from woods to full blown forest. As they rode Dawn sang a song to keep their spirits up and to pass the time.

_“Bravely Buff Barbarian rode forth from Tel-Aswad  
She was not afraid to die, O brave Barbarian!  
She was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways,  
Brave, brave, brave, Buff Barbarian!”_

Faith glared at Dawn hoping to shut her up, unfortunately Dawn continued to sing unaware that her words weren’t exactly having the desired effect.

_“She was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp,  
Or to have her eyes gouged out and her elbows broken!  
To have her kneecaps split and her body burned away  
And her limbs all hacked and mangled, brave, Buff Barbarian.  
Her head smashed in and her heart cut out,  
And her nipples removed and her boobs sliced off  
And her bottom raped and her nose burnt off and her clitoris...”_

“DAWN!” finally Faith could take no more, “Shut up will ya!?”

“Sorry,” Dawn gave Faith a resentful look, “I was only trying to help pass the time, there’s no need to shout.” 

Riding along in silence, Dawn sulked as she watched the trees get bigger and closer together so that they blocked all the sunlight from the track. The track got narrower and narrower until the two women were forced to ride in single file. After about a mile the track opened out in front of them as they came to a clearing. Riding up beside Faith, Dawn saw a narrow but fast flowing stream with steep banks too precipitous to get the horses across. So, it was lucky there was a bridge; however the bridge had a keeper, a warrior in full, black painted, hoplite armour. As he saw Faith and Dawn approach he brought up his shield and dropped the point of his spear.

“HALT!” the warrior’s voice echoed from the depths of his helmet.

“Stay here,” Faith whispered to Dawn, “I’ll see what this bozo wants.”

0=0=0=0


	27. Chapter 27

3.

Bringing her horse to a halt just outside of spear thrusting range, Faith leaned forward in her saddle and looked down at the hoplite. A ghost of a smile crossed her lips, this guy was certainly into black; black armour, black tunic, black helmet crest even his spear had been painted black. Staring at the warrior for a minute she waited for him to say something; he, on the other hand, just stood there and ignored her.

“Okay,” Faith sighed and sat up straight, “What’d’ya want to let me and my friend cross y’bridge?”

The hoplite remained mute.

“Come on,” Faith was getting a little bored with the warrior’s silent act; she reached for the purse on her belt, “how much?”

Still the hoplite ignored her.

“Hey look buster,” Faith was now starting to get impatient as well as bored, “if ya holding out for anything more than money ya got a long wait.”

The hoplite stood statue-like as if Faith hadn’t spoken. Frowning, Faith scratched her butt and glanced over her shoulder to where Dawn sat her horse, an idea popped into her head.

“Okay, okay,” Faith leaned forward in her saddle once more and spoke softly so only the warrior could hear her. “If that’s what ya want, y’can have the dancing girl; she’s younger than me anyway and nearly as hot.” Faith waited for a reply, “She’s almost a virgin,” she added hopefully. Still the warrior said nothing, “Come on,” Faith couldn’t understand why the guy didn’t jump at the chance of screwing Dawn (not that Faith would actually let him) “you can’t wanna do both of us?” Faith sat up again, “I mean there’s no way that’s goin’ to happen…” just then the penny dropped. “Oh! Crap sorry man!” Faith slapped her forehead, “Of course you’re gay!”

Still the hoplite paid as much attention to Faith as if she’d been a wall. Having grown exasperated with the warrior’s silent treatment, Faith shrugged, clicked her tongue and urged her horse forward. As her horse brushed by the warrior’s spear he moved and spoke.

”None shall pass,” announced the warrior. 

“What?” Faith brought her horse to a halt and looked down at the man.

“NONE SHALL PASS!” Repeated the hoplite loudly, just in case Faith was hard of hearing.

“Yo,” Faith pinned the guy with a hard stare, “you’re cruisin’ for a bruisin’ man, if ya don’t get the fuck outta my way, don’t y’know who I am?”

Obviously the hoplite either didn’t know or didn’t care as he went back to giving Faith the silent treatment.

“Look, asshole!” Faith drew her sword with a flourish, “Me an’ my friend are gonna cross this freakin’ bridge an’ if I have to ride over you then that’s just…”

“Then you shall die,” the hoplite shifted his stance a little so he was square on to Faith. 

“Get outta here!” Faith couldn’t quite believe her ears, “I’m freakin’ Faith the Buff Barbarian, I’ll freakin’ well cut ya to ribbons, asshole. Now get the fuck outta my way!”

“I move for no man,” the hoplite informed her.

“Excuse me?” Faith looked down pointedly at her breasts.

“Sorry,” the hoplite shuffled his feet in embarrassment, “I meant; I move for no woman.”

“Fuck you!” Faith slipped from her saddle and faced off with the warrior.

Sitting a few yards behind Faith, Dawn had been watching the interplay between the bozo on the bridge and Faith; she’d had a feeling that it’d all end in tears just seconds after the bridge-guy had refused to take money. Sighing, Dawn settled in to watch the fight; this should be interesting, in a very bloody and painful way.

Weapons clashed together as the hoplite thrust his spear at Faith’s face. Faith jerked her head back, while at the same time bringing her sword up to parry the spear thrust. Her sword (which like all good hero’s swords, had been forged from the heart of a falling star) cut through the spear’s shaft like it was butter and taking the point clean off; the metal clanged as it hit the hard ground. As quick as lightning the hoplite reversed his spear and presented another shorter, but no less deadly spearpoint to Faith. However, it did him no good because as he was distracted turning his spear, Faith jumped forward and brought her sword whistling down onto the hoplite’s right arm severing it between elbow and shoulder. The arm, still clutching the shortened spear in it’s hand fell to the ground. The warrior stood and looked at his severed arm as blood dripped from his truncated limb.

“Okay,” Faith stood back and watched the injured warrior warily, “you’ve done the fight thing now, so fuck off!”

“Tis but a scratch,” the hoplite shrugged his shoulders and squared up to Faith once more apparently willing to continue the fight. 

“A FREAKIN’ SCRATCH!?” Faith yelled in disbelief, bringing herself back under control she added, “Ya fuckin’ arm's off!”

“No, it isn't,” denied the hoplite. 

“Well, what's that, then?” Faith pointed with her sword to where the hoplite’s arm lay on the ground.

”I've had worse,” replied the warrior dispassionately.

“Liar!” Faith accused with just a hint of the playground in her voice.

“Come on, you pansy!” taunted the hoplite.

Once again the two warriors joined in combat; Faith’s sword flashed and sang as it sliced through the air; the hoplite fended off her attacks with his shield while at the same time trying to hit her with its rim. For a moment the two fighters appeared locked together, suddenly, Faith broke free of the hoplite’s clumsy attempt at wrestling her to the ground; brought her sword arm back and struck out yet again. The hoplite’s left arm fell to the ground still with the shield attached, it rolled like a bicycle wheel until it hit a tree, stopped and fell to the forest floor spinning slightly as it did so. 

”Got ya, asshole!” Faith wiped the blood from her sword and turned to go back to her horse.

“Hah!” cried the hoplite as he danced towards Faith, “Come on then!”

“Fuck this,” sighed Faith, she turned to confront the stubborn warrior once more.

“Oh come on Faith,” called Dawn from the safety of her horse’s back, “lets get going…he’s ‘armless,” she giggled, “get it…‘armless?” Dawn saw the thin lipped frown on Faith’s face and shrugged, “Oh, suit y’self then.”

“Have at you!” the hoplite danced around Faith and tried to kick her butt.

“Oh come off it!” Faith sighed wearily as she dodged the hoplite’s kicks.

“Oh, had enough, eh?” for a moment the two warriors did a strange little dance around each other as the Faith avoided the hoplite’s wild kicks.

“Look, you stupid fucker!” Faith didn’t know what to do, “You've got no freakin’ arms left!” 

“Yes, I have,” once again the hoplite appeared to be reluctant to admit his injuries.

“Look!” Faith gestured with her sword to the warrior’s severed arms. 

“Just a flesh wound,” claimed the warrior as he tried to kick Faith once more.

“Look, will ya freakin’ stop that!” she really didn’t want to injure this guy anymore.

“Chicken!” the warrior started to make clucking noises as he danced around Faith, “CHICKEN!”

“Look, I'll have ya leg off,” just because she didn’t want to hurt the guy didn’t mean she wouldn’t; the hoplite kicked Faith hard on the shin, “OW! RIGHT!”

Sword whistling through the air, Faith lopped off the hoplite’s right leg.

“Right!” the warrior stood rather foolishly, hopping up and down on one leg, “I'll do you for that!”

“You'll what?” Faith demanded sceptically, she started to walk away from the hoplite who tried to hop after her. 

“Come here!” demanded the almost limbless warrior.

“What’re ya goin’ t’do, bleed on me?” Faith looked over her shoulder at the guy as she gathered up her horse’s reins 

“I’M INVINCIBLE!” screamed the black and bloody hoplite.

“You're a bleeding loony,” observed Dawn quietly, she smiled again, “Get-it? Bleeding?” Getting no reaction from Faith she sighed heavily, “Oh, why do I bother?” 

”The Black Hoplite always triumphs!” the warrior laboriously hopped over to Faith and started to shoulder barge her, “Have at you! Come on you coward!”

With a sigh, Faith turned and casually chopped off the hoplite’s remaining leg.

“Oh? All right,” the truncated warrior looked up at Faith as she mounted her horse, “we'll call it a draw.”

Faith ignored the warrior’s taunts and after retrieving the warrior’s shield, swung herself up onto her horse’s back.

“Oh! Oh, I see,” cried the warrior from the ground. “Running away, eh? You yellow bastards!” Dawn followed Faith across the bridge giving the warrior a pitying look as she passed by, “Come back here,” he cried as they rode on, “and take what's coming to you. I'll bite your legs off! COWARDS!”

_“When danger reared its ugly head,”_

Dawn sang quietly as she rode behind Faith.

_“She bravely turned her tail and fled.  
Yes, Buff Barbarian turned about,  
And gallantly she chickened out!  
Bravely taking to her feet,  
She beat a very brave retreat,  
Bravest of the brave, Buff Barbarian!”_

“Not helping, Dawn,” Faith replied menacingly as she rode on eyes looking dead ahead.

0=0=0=0

After riding for an hour or so without speaking a word, Dawn thought it was time to break the ice.

“Y’know,” Dawn began brightly, “if we handle this right, even if this enchanted palace place isn’t, like, chock full of gold and jewels, we could still come out of this totally ahead of the game.”

Faith looked out of the corner of her eye at the younger woman and raised a questioning eyebrow inviting her to explain.

“You see,” Dawn continued merrily, “like, its all down to marketing.”

“Marketing?” Faith knew she was going to regret this but said it anyway, “What’d’ya mean ‘marketing’?”

“Look,” Dawn beamed at Faith, “like its totally simple. Like, y’know the song?” Faith nodded her head but Dawn sang a line anyway, “ _She is the very model of a heroine barbarian…_ ” The ‘Buff Barbarian’ song was well known throughout the land, “All we have to do is like get bards an’ such to sing songs about our adventures on this quest and people will like want to hear more.”

“So?” Faith had no idea where Dawn was going with this.

“Like, it totally forms a niche that’ll need to be filled!” Dawn was looking quite excited with her new plan; Faith on the other hand still looked puzzled. Seeing the confusion on her friend’s face Dawn explained further, “Y’know like merchandising back home?”

“What like toys an’ stuff?” Faith really couldn’t see how this was going to work.

“Right!” cheered Dawn, “We have a range of merchandise made to cash in on the fame, see?”

“Yeah,” Faith nodded her head slowly, “What’d’ya gonna sell?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” Dawn blew out her cheeks as she thought about this important decision for a moment. “Hey, I know,” she grinned excitedly at Faith, “we could have, Buff Barbarian swords and bikinis; do them in both adult and children’s sizes to maximize our market. We could have ‘Faith the Buff Barbarian’ action dolls and of course; ‘Dawn the Perky Parthenian Dancer Dolls’ and outfits. We could get someone to do graphic novels about our adventures and books about…I don’t know…The one hundred best ways to chop off a monster’s head or something and…”

As she rode on Faith noticed that the birds had stopped singing and the trees were, once again getting closer together. It had got decidedly gloomier under the trees as more sunlight was blocked out by the branches above. Glancing into the shadows under the great, dark looming trees, Faith thought she saw figures move quickly from behind one tree trunk to another. Holding her hand up she signalled Dawn to shut up and stop. The darkness seemed to get thicker and began to press in on their eyes as they watched indistinct figures dart from tree to tree; all the time getting closer and closer and closer until…

Suddenly a tall figure loomed over them blocking their way along the track. The man, or whatever it was, wore a horned helmet and a long flowing cloak that hid its body from Dawn and Faith’s eyes. There was more rustling in the undergrowth as several more figures joined the first, completely surrounding our two heroes.

“We,” said the first figure in a strangely hi-pitched, strangled voice, “are the knights who say...AAAAAAGH! NO! PLEASE! MERCY!!!”

Having caught a glimpse of Faith, sword in hand, jumping from the back of her horse, Dawn closed her eyes and listened. All around her were the sounds of bloody execution as Faith butchered the knights who were, at this moment, screaming and begging for clemency. Keeping her eyes tightly closed, Dawn listened to the wet, meaty sound of Faith’s sword chopping the knights up into manageable chunks.

Eventually silence fell once more across the forest, here and there a terrified bird plucked up enough courage to sing a few notes. Dawn cracked open one eyelid and quickly closed it again; she took a deep breath and opened both eyes. Arms, legs and bits of internal organs hung from the trees around the track. Wiping still warm blood from her face, Dawn fought to keep down her breakfast; she flicked a lump of chopped liver from off her leg.

“Gross!” Dawn whispered then more loudly, “Faith?” she turned around slowly to see her blood soaked friend wiping blood and gore from the blade of her sword, “You okay?”

“Yeah,” Faith slid her sword back into its sheath, “I think I got ‘em all.”

“Yeah,” Dawn nodded her head in agreement as she looked around, “I think they’ve all been well and truly ‘got’.” Dawn felt she had to ask, “So what’s with the mega-mayhem? I mean we usually go through the pretence of trying to talk our way out of things.”

“Oh,” Faith shrugged as she remounted her horse, “they just annoyed me.”

“Oh,” Dawn nodded her head and made a mental note not to annoy Faith anytime soon, she asked, “PMS?”

“Yeah,” Faith got herself comfortable in her saddle again, “a bit.”

“Okay,” Dawn sighed and urged her horse onwards and away from the failed ambush, “I wonder what they wanted?”

0=0=0=0


	28. Chapter 28

4.

Having ridden for several more days our heroes come across a large village hidden deep in the great forest. Deciding to take a few days off their arduous schedule of mayhem and murder they decided to rest up and replenish their supplies; the girls went about their business in their own inimitable way.

0=0=0=0

“…look, at least take your sword with you,” Faith sat on the edge of the bed in the tavern room they shared.

“Look,” Dawn rolled her eyes heavenwards, “I’m dancing at the Mayor’s son’s birthday party, not in some lowlife dive,” she crossed her arms under her breasts, “I’ll be fine, I mean what’s the worse that could happen?”

Silence fell across the room as both women imagined the worse that could happen.

“Okay, I’ll take my sword,” Dawn turned around and picked up her sword from where it rested against the wall.

“Ya sure ya don’t want me to come with?” Faith was still unsure about letting Dawn go off by herself.

“Yes!” Dawn was starting to feel smothered by Faith’s concerns, “Y’know, Faith sometimes you're worse than Buffy, she never used to let me go do stuff on my own.”

“I AM SO NOT!” Faith jumped up and glared at Dawn, “I-I’m nothing like ‘B’, I-I’m…”

“Sorry,” Dawn held up a placating hand and tried to calm Faith down, “I’m sorry it was a slip of the tongue you’re nothing like Buffy,” Dawn grinned as she saw Faith come off the boil, “I mean you’re way cooler for a start...”

“I am?”

“Of course you are,” Dawn knew exactly which of Faith’s buttons to push, “you’re totally cooler than ‘B’, she’d never have lasted here so long without whining about not having any new shoes and moping over Angle or Spike or whoever.” Dawn picked up her bundle of stage clothes and her sword; she kissed Faith on the cheek before heading for the door. “You go out and enjoy yourself, just don’t wreck the town, okay?”

0=0=0=0

It didn’t take Dawn long to find the major’s house; it stood near the bridge over the river that flowed around the village, it was also by far the biggest house in the hamlet. Following the instructions she’d been given, Dawn walked around to the rear of the house and knocked on the kitchen door. Moments later the door was opened by a rosy cheeked plump woman who smiled at Dawn in greeting.

“You must be the dancing girl for the young master’s party,” the woman gestured for Dawn to come in, “I’m Bercu the housekeeper, I’m to look after you until its time for you to…perform.”

Being slightly surprised by her warm welcome, Dawn didn’t notice the way Bercu hesitated before she said ‘perform’. Instead, Dawn smiled happily as she was shown into a large warm kitchen where cooks and maids worked busily preparing the food for the coming party. Leaving her things in the little room that Bercu used as an office she was shown the hall where she would dance in a few hours time.

Being taken back below stairs, Dawn was led to a very small room, really no bigger than a large closet where she could change; there was, however, a real glass mirror on the wall. Next she was taken back to Bercu’s office where she was told to sit down and given a cup of herb tea.

“Hey this is. like, totally wicked tea,” Dawn smiled politely as she sipped her beverage, “and it’s so nice to have such a pleasant welcome, so often people look down on us dancing girls.”

“Well that’s just people for you,” Bercu smiled in a motherly way and patted Dawn’s leg, “now did anyone tell you what was expected of you?”

“Um,” Dawn took another sip of her tea, it was really good after all, “Only that I was to entertain at the party.”

“Right then,” Bercu sat back in her chair and crossed her arms under her ample bust, “you’ll be expected to do three dances at various times of the evening. The first one better be something traditional.” Bercu smiled conspiratorially, “All the ladies of the family and their guests will be there so you better do something demur…you can do demur?”

“Oh yes,” Dawn nodded as she put down her empty cup, “I can be as demur as you want.”

“The middle dance,” Bercu explained, “only the gentlemen will be there so you can show a bit more of yourself and go a little bit wild.”

Dawn nodded her head again; she knew exactly what she was going to do.

“Then finally the third dance,” Bercu leaned towards Dawn as if she didn’t want to be overheard, “quite honestly you can be as sexy as you want. In fact the sexier the better, after all it is the young master’s coming of age party and by that time of the night there’ll only be him and his friends left in the hall so let yourself go!”

“Right!” Dawn nodded her head, “First dance, demur. Second dance a little racy, third dance, blow their socks off,” Dawn giggled at the idea of blowing people’s socks off, “got it.”

“Good,” Bercu smiled contentedly, “now I’ve got to get on, so I’ll leave you here. Now is there anything you want before I go?”

“Um, yeah,” Dawn looked up at the woman hopefully, “could I have another cup of that tea please?”

“Of course you can my dear,” Bercu went off to get Dawn’s tea.

0=0=0=0

**The Following Morning**

Groaning at the sound of all the pneumatic drills in her head, Dawn rolled over and buried her head in a pillow. Although it didn’t quiet the road works in her skull, the softness of the pillow made her feel momentarily happier. It was then her senses started to tell her things weren’t as they should be, the pillow was wrong for a start. It was really soft and appeared to have a silk pillow case and the sheets... Dawn cracked open an eyelid and looked around the chamber like some incredibly sexy Cyclops. This so wasn’t her room at the tavern; sitting up quickly, Dawn nearly cried out in pain as the men with the drills in her head fell about the inside of her skull bumping about and crashing their road digging machinery.

“Oh god,” Dawn moaned as she looked around the room: this was defiantly not the tavern.

This was somewhere with curtains on the windows, hangings depicting battles and hunting scenes covered the walls, there were rugs on the floor, plus a big double bed with silk sheets, soft wool blankets and someone else in it!

“Crap!” whispered Dawn quietly as she studied the lump in the bed next to her, “What the freaking hell did I do last night?”

Calming herself down, Dawn tried to remember what had happened at the party; she could guess some of it by the way she was sitting in bed stark naked.

“Oh god,” Dawn buried her face in her hands as the memories didn’t exactly flood back into her mind; they more, sort of oozed and pooled around the ankles of the road diggers who seemed to be taking a break for a moment, she groaned anew, “Faith’s gonna kill me!”

Sitting there in the bed with a person, or possibly persons, unknown lying next to her, Dawn desperately tried to remember what she’d done.

“Okay,” Dawn thought really hard, “did the first dance and everyone clapped politely and the band were pretty good.” Dawn sighed heavily, “Nothing weird happened then.”

Remembering how she’d gone back to the closet and changed for her second number, Dawn tried to think of anything that might explain why she felt like this now. She’d had a cup of tea then changed for her second number. As she’d been told, when it was time for her second dance all the ladies had retired just leaving the men-folk to enjoy her performance, which they had. The second dance had been wilder and she’d shown them a lot more of herself than in the first dance.

By the time she came out to do the third dance the audience consisted of the ‘young master;’ and his friends (a crowd of pimply youths of both sexes) and Dawn was down to her thong and nipple tassels. It was here that her memory appeared to get a little fuzzy…well actually a lot fuzzy! She had flashes of doing some wild, provocative dance and lying at the ‘young master’s’ feet. Then there was wine and a lot of laughing and quite a bit of 'fooling around' and…

“Oh my god!” Dawn looked in horror at the lump in the bed next to her, “Ohmygodohmygodohmygod!” Dawn reached out with a trembling hand to pull back the covers so she could see who she’d spent the night with.

Desperately she hoped it’d been one of the ‘young master’s’ older relatives.

“Crap!” Dawn stared down at the tussled hair of the ‘young master’ as he slept the sleep of the sexually satisfied, “I’m a cradle robbing slut!”

Scrambling out of bed, Dawn stumbled as the workmen in her skull threw away their coffee mugs and picked up their drills again. Not bothering to try and find the thong and tassels she’d worn the night before, Dawn wrapped a blanket around herself and headed for the door.

“The bastards!” Dawn snarled quietly as she padded through the silent house towards the kitchen, “They musta put something in the tea!”

Once in the kitchen, she locked herself in the closet and changed into her street clothes. Bundling up her stage things, Dawn buckled on her sword belt and burst back out into the kitchen ready to do major mayhem. Coming out into the kitchen, Dawn was confronted by Bercu, Dawn’s sword was in her hand in an instant. The housekeeper appeared completely unconcerned by the prospect of having two feet of sharp steel rammed through her stomach.

“What did you do to me?” demanded Dawn.

“Nothing that you hadn’t done before,” Bercu smiled serenely, “don’t try and claim you were a blushing virgin.”

“But…!” Dawn pressed the point of her sword against Bercu’s stomach, the older woman seemed strangely indifferent; this rang alarm bells in Dawn’s mind. People who were unconcerned by their imminent death were either mad or not what they appeared to be, “I’m best friends with Faith the Buff Barbarian so you better watch out!”

“Oh, yes girl we knew that,” Bercu smiled calmly, “that’s why we chose you, the Master couldn’t believe his luck when you rode into town…you’re famous.”

“I am?” Dawn let the point of her sword drop.

“Of course you are silly,” Bercu turned away from Dawn and headed towards her office. “Now put away that silly sword and come and get your pay, then you can be on your way and back to your friend.”

0=0=0=0

Five minutes and a heavy bag of coins later, Dawn found herself standing in the road outside the mayor’s house. Smiling she hefted the purse in her hand, after all it hadn’t been so bad, apart from whatever they’d put in her tea. But the gold more than made up for that and now as her head cleared she was remembering stuff and the party had actually been quite fun, what with the group sex and Faith couldn’t kill her if she didn’t know and Faith really didn’t need to know now did she? Having justified the previous night’s activities, at least in her own mind, Dawn walked off down the street with something of a spring in her step. Only to be brought up short by a woman’s voice that called to her.

“I say!” cried the rather well spoken voice, “I say, dancing gal!”

Dawn turned to see a rather attractive and well dressed woman hurrying along the road behind her.

“Oh I’m so glad I caught you,” she said in her rather upper crust voice.

Looking the woman up and down, Dawn saw a dark haired woman in her late twenties or early thirties; she wore her hair up in the classical Greek style and her clothes appeared to be of Greek origin too. Dawn noted that they were also very well made, the woman must be rich because her dress was hemmed in gold thread.

“Can I help you?” Dawn asked politely.

“Oh I do hope so,” the woman appeared genuinely relieved to have caught up with Dawn. “Let me introduce myself,” the woman gestured for them to keep walking as she fell in beside Dawn. “My name is Lady Aglaia, I run a little Sapphist Temple just north of here.”

Dawn nodded her head respectfully, she had no knowledge of any god or goddess called Sapphie.

“I was at the party last night and saw you dance,” Lady Aglaia explained, “I was most impressed and I wondered if you’d be willing to give a little performance at the my temple tonight?”

“Well, I don’t know,” Dawn said doubtfully, two late nights in a row and she was supposed to be resting.

“Oh please say you’ll come,” Aglaia pleaded, “there’ll just be my acolytes and the other priestesses and we pay very well…”

“Acolytes?” Dawn asked slowly.

“Oh, just over a hundred girls,” Aglaia explained nonchalantly, “learning to be Sapphic priestesses plus half a dozen full priestesses of course.”

“All women?” Dawn asked suspiciously.

“All women,” smiled Aglaia reassuringly, “absolutely no men, in fact men would be against the rules of the temple.”

“You mentioned money?” Dawn had already decided to go, a girl’s night out would be fun.

0=0=0=0

Reaching her room, Dawn fell onto the bed and quickly dropped off to sleep, she only awoke at about midday when Faith finally got back and bounced on the bed beside her. The two women gave heavily censored accounts of what each of them had done the night before. After eating, Dawn went off to the village bathhouse to bathe while Faith got her head down for an hour or two.

Freshly scrubbed, plucked and combed, Dawn returned to the tavern to get her things ready for her performance that night. Faith seemed unconcerned that Dawn had another job, obviously she felt that these Sapphists posed no threat to her own or Dawn’s well being. Late that afternoon, Dawn gathered up her things, buckled on her sword and after wishing Faith a good evening, headed on out to the stables.

0=0=0=0

**Later.**

Glancing up at the sky, Dawn eyed the big black storm cloud with trepidation. It would just be her luck to be caught out in the rain before she got to this temple. Looking at the map Lady Aglaia had given her, Dawn looked around trying to get her bearings. Yes, she smiled, there was the track off the main road that would lead her to the temple; she cursed as a big, cold, drop of rain splatted against her head.

0=0=0=0

**Later Still.**

The wind howled and the rain poured down by the bucket load as Dawn forced her way through the restless forest. Thunder boomed and lightning flashed lighting up the trees and making them look like grotesque monsters that seemed to reach for her as she stumbled, lost, cold and soaking wet deeper into the forest. 

The thunder had frightened her horse and she’d fallen into the mud by the side of the track. Next the stupid creature had galloped off into the night leaving her covered in mud with only her sword and the clothes she stood up in. Somehow she’d lost the track and had wandered aimlessly through the trees until now she leaned against a tree trunk and shivered as the rain ran down her body. Miserably, Dawn realised she’d have to sit out the storm until morning then hopefully she’d be able to find her way back to the village. Sliding down the tree trunk, Dawn crouched under its poor protection; she wrapped her arms around herself and shivered. It was then she saw it through the restless branches; a sort of beacon shining in the night bringing hope to her sodden heart.

As she fought her way closer to the hoped for sanctuary, Dawn noticed the strange design of the beacon. It was obviously magical as it flashed on and off rather like a neon sign in her own time showing the outline of a busty young woman doing some sort of dance. Thoughts about signs were quickly driven from her mind as she stumbled into a huge clearing and saw the white marble temple (it looked a little like a miniture Taj Mahal) standing there in front of her. Almost crying with joy, Dawn ran up to the building, drawing her sword she used it to bang on the heavy wooden door that obviously lead to hot drinks and warm fires.

“Open the door! Open the door!” Dawn cried piteously as she pounded on the wood with the pommel of her sword; her last reserves of energy almost gone, Dawn collapsed on the threshold.

There was a great crashing and squeaking as bolts were drawn and locks were unlocked followed by a loud creaking noise as the door was pulled open.

“Hello?” said a well spoken female voice.

0=0=0=0


	29. Chapter 29

4A.

Laughing, Faith raised the tankard to her lips and quaffed the ale it contained; she’d never ‘quaffed’ before and hadn’t been sure she’d been doing it correctly. However, no one had said anything about her quaffing technique so she assumed she must be doing it right. Wiping her lips on the back of her hand, she glanced around the tavern before looking back down at the cards in her hand.

“Two,” she said laconically and discarded two cards before accepting two from the dealer.

The tavern was full of loud, happy, half drunk people. Serving wenches dodged between groping hands as they carried foaming tankards of ale to tables and collected the empties on the way back. Occasionally a short lived fight would break out, but, as the combatants were pretty drunk the fights didn’t last long and caused few injuries. Studying her cards, Faith decided to risk a couple of coins and threw them into the pot, immediately one of the four men playing at her table folded and threw his cards on the table with a disappointed sigh. That only left Faith and one other player still in the game.

“Too rich for ya, eh?” Faith smiled good naturedly.

“Hey,” it was the player who hadn’t folded, “where’s that pretty little dancing girl that you travel with?”

“Out dancing at some temple in the woods,” Faith laid down her cards and watched the disappointment spread across the other player’s face.

“If I didn’t know better,” laughed the loser, “I’d say you’d got another pack o’ cards hidden somewhere!”

Everyone around the table laughed including Faith; her fur bikini didn’t have many places to hide even one card (it was the daringly low cut, heavily underwired, leopard skin one with the tassels, everyone who saw it thought the leopard had died in a worthy cause).

“Dancing at a temple you say?” the man with one eye sitting next to Faith asked.

“Yeah,” Faith collected her winnings, “what of it?”

“Do you happen to know which one?” one-eye wanted to know.

“I think she said something about Sapphists?” Faith picked up her winnings and placed them in her purse; she suddenly noticed she’d become the centre of a little circle of quiet, she looked at her fellow card players, “What?”

“Sapphists?” One-eye shook his head.

“Yeah, what’s up?” Faith looked from one shaking head to another, “If someone doesn’t tell me what’s so wrong with these Sapphists there’s gonna be trouble!”

“You mean you’ve never heard of them before?” asked the player with a nasty scar on his cheek which he hadn't got from shaving carelessly.

“Would I be asking if I had?” Faith was starting to get concerned about Dawn’s welfare, “What the fuck’s goin’ on?”

“Well known for it in these parts,” One-eye sucked his few remaining teeth and clicked his tongue.

“Well known f’what?” Faith demanded, “If I don’t get some straight answers soon I’m gonna start breakin’ bones!”

“Calm down,” Scar-face made calming motions with his hands, “look,” he took a deep breath. “What happens is this; they lure some unsuspecting young woman to their temple…”

“Cesspool of sin and depravity,” slurred the local priest who’d been sitting at Faith’s left elbow trying to look down the front of her bra all evening (the fact that he’d failed just went to show how drunk he was).

“As I was saying,” Scar-face gave the priest a warning look, “they lure some poor unsuspecting girl to their temple then force her join in with their depraved sexual practices.”

Just before Faith jumped to her feet ready to go and rescue Dawn; a thought entered her mind.

“Hey, if these Sapphist chicks are so evil why haven’t you rooted them out?”

“Ah-well,” One-eye looked around the table before glancing down in embarrassment, “you see…well…”

“They always pay their taxes…” explained Scar-face.

“…and they always let their victims go unharmed…” added One-eye.

“…and sometimes they let us watch,” hic-cupped the priest.

Studying her card playing companions for a moment, Faith wondered just how urgent rescuing Dawn was; after all if these Sapphists always let their victims go, what harm could there be?

“Just how depraved are these acts?” Faith wanted to know.

“Oh, very,” Scar-face smiled wistfully.

“Totally unspeakable,” One-eye grinned so hard it looked like it hurt, “that’s why we hardly ever speak about it.”

“Beyond imagining,” voiced the priest with a faraway look in his eyes, “you wouldn’t believe the things they can do with a marrow.”

“A marrow!” Faith gasped as she turned and fled from the tavern heading towards the temple.

“What’s wrong with her?” One-eye sighed sadly as he watched Faith leave.

“I think it was when I mentioned the marrow,” the priest pointed out.

“You think she’s got something against marrows?” Scar-face scratched the stubble on his chin in disbelief.

“Marrow is the best part,” explained the priest.

“Aye,” agreed One-eye, “stuffed marrow…very tasty.”

“Aye,” agreed the priest and Scar-face.

“No accounting for barbarians,” One-eye picked up the cards and started to shuffle, “any one for Whist?”

0=0=0=0

“Welcome gentle Dawn,” Lady Aglaia smiled down at the drowned rat that was Dawn Summers, “welcome to the Temple of Sappho.”

“The Temple of Sappho?” Dawn took hold of Aglaia’s hand and stood up, she also took a moment to take in her surroundings.

Finding herself in a large entry hall decorated with life size statues, all of which seemed to show figures in various erotic poses. Dawn looked at one particularly closely; screw erotic, she thought, that was darn-right pornographic! Lady Aglaia was dressed much as she’d been when Dawn had first met her, however the two teenage girls who stood behind her holding lanterns, where dressed in long white robes made of some clingy material that hugged the contours of their bodies.

“Yes,” smiled Aglaia as she led Dawn by the hand deeper into the temple, “we’re all Sapphists here. We pride ourselves on our hospitality and we shall pamper to your every whim!”

“Oh,” Dawn smiled politely, “I’ve not had my whim pampered in a long time.”

“Oh, you poor girl,” replied Aglaia sadly, “you are tired, you must rest awhile,” she turned to the two girls with the lanterns and clapped her hands, “Maia! Callidora!”

“Yes, oh Lady Aglaia!” the two girls looked expectantly at the priestess.

“Prepare a bed for our guest,” ordered the Lady Aglaia.

“Oh thank-you, thank-you, thank-you!” Chorused the girls before they ran off down the corridor giggling.

“Away, away varletesses,” Aglaia laughed before she led Dawn to a heavy wooden door a little further down the corridor, “The beds here are all warm and soft, and very, very big.”

“Well, look, I-I, erm,” Dawn couldn’t help but think that things weren’t quite as they appeared at this temple. “you know? I think I ought to be going back to the village,” Dawn turned to go, “its late and my friend will worry.”

“Oh,” Lady Aglaia held on to Dawn’s arm with a grip like steel preventing her from going, “you have suffered much on your travels, you must be exhausted!”

“No!” Dawn tugged at her arm but couldn’t break free of the priestesses hold, “A bit damp but otherwise…” With a yank Dawn finally managed to free her arm, “I really should be going…”

“But please,” once again Lady Aglaia took hold of Dawn’s arm, “You wouldn’t be so discourteous as to refuse our hospitality?”

“Well, I-I um,” Dawn was caught in a trap, her mother had always taught her to be a polite girl.

“I'm afraid our lives here must seem very dull and quiet compared to yours,” Aglaia sighed, “We are just one-hundred-and-sixty young blondes and brunettes, all between the ages of sixteen and twenty-one, cut off in this temple not seeing anyone from one week to the next,” again the priestess sighed, “Oh, it's a lonely life...bathing, dressing, undressing and making exciting underwear...”

Pushing open the door, Lady Aglaia led Dawn into a chamber containing a super king-sized bed; Dawn frowned when she noticed the mirror on the ceiling above the bed, she wondered what it could possibly be used for.

“We’re just not used to attractive, young dancing girls...” Lady Aglaia held on to Dawn as she tried to pull away, “No-no, come and lie down.” Gasping Lady Aglaia pointed to a small tear in Dawn’s britches and the small cut on her leg, “Oh, but you are wounded!”

“No, no,” cried Dawn as she was pushed firmly down onto the bed, “I-it's nothing really!”

“But you must see the doctors immediately!” Lady Aglaia let go of Dawn then clapped her hands, “No, no, please, lie down!”

“Ah-ha!” As if by magic two young girls appeared by the bed, they were dressed in the same clingy white robes as the other girls, “What seems to be the trouble?”

“They're doctors!?” Exclaimed Dawn, the girls didn’t look more than sixteen.

“Uh,” Lady Aglaia hesitated, “they've had a basic medical training, yes.”

“B-but…” Once again Dawn tried to get off the bed, this time she was held down securely by the two ‘doctors’.

“Come, come,” Lady Aglaia ordered, “you must try to rest! Doctor Penelopeia, Doctor Titania, practice your art.” 

“Try to relax,” Doctor Titania knelt on the bed next to Dawn and unbuckled Dawn’s sword belt before starting to pull down her trousers.

“Are-are you sure that's absolutely necessary?” Dawn wanted to know.

“We must examine you,” breathed Doctor Penelopeia huskily as she helped Doctor Titania slid Dawn’s britches down across her thighs, “Trust us, we’re doctors,” reassured the girl. 

“NO!” Dawn struggled her way past the girl doctors and climbed off the bed.

“Back to bed!” Ordered Doctor Penelopeia sternly, but to no avail.

“N-no way!” Dawn had decided to leave, screw the hundred silver splonders she’d been offered to perform here tonight; this was all just way too weird for her tastes. Sword belt clutched in one hand and holding up her britches with the other, Dawn made her way to a door on the other side of the room. Turning the handle she threw herself against the heavy oaken portal, to her surprise the door opened easily and she stumbled into a large room.

“Hello,” smiled a naked blonde girl who was standing in a tub while her equally naked friend poured a jug of water across her shoulders.

“Oh!” Dawn stood with her mouth open as her eyes took in the sight of thirty or forty young attractive girls in various states of undress. 

“Hello!” Chorused the girls turning predatory smiles on Dawn. 

Keeping a firm hold on her trousers, Dawn ran across the room towards yet another door. Just as she was about to open the door it opened of its own accord. Lady Aglaia stood blocking Dawn’s escape route.

“Lady Aglaia!” Cried Dawn in surprise.

“No,” smiled the woman, “I’m Aglaia's identical twin sister, Dareia.” 

“Oh, well, excuse me,” Dawn tried to push past the woman but she was stronger than she looked; Dawn felt something like a pin prick her arm, “Ow!”

“Where are you going?” Asked Dareia in a voice like honey.

“I-I…” Dawn rubbed her arm, she started to feel all warm and fuzzy and she appeared to be seeing things through a soft focus lens. “Y’know,” Dawn gazed into the woman’s soft brown eyes and sighed, “I can’t remember.”

“Did Aglaia tell you why you were brought here?” asked Dareia gently.

“No,” sighed Dawn as she pulled at the neck of her tunic, it seemed to have become terribly warm in the temple.

“Oh! Oh! Bad, bad Aglaia!” Dareia stamped her foot in anger.

“What’s wrong?” Dawn started to feel distressed that Aglaia had upset her sister.

“Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Aglaia!” Sighed Dareia in frustration, “It's not the first time she’s done this.”

“Done what?” Dawn started to pull her tunic off, as her trousers slowly slid down around her ankles, it was really hot in the temple now.

“Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, evil Aglaia!” explained Dareia, “Oh, she is a naughty person, and she must pay the penalty,” the woman paused drawing breath, “and here in the Temple of Sappho, we have but one punishment.”

“You have?” Dawn stopped undressing for a moment.

“Yes,” nodded Dareia, “you must tie her down on a bed and spank her!”

“A spanking! A spanking!” Chorused the girls with glee.

“Okay!” Dawn agreed happily.

“You must spank her well,” continued Dareia, “and after you have spanked her, you may deal with her as you like…and then, spank me!” 

“And spank me. And me. And me.” Cried several of the girls as they gathered around Dawn and Dareia.

“Yes, yes,” Dareia nodded her head firmly, “you must give us all a good spanking!”

“A spanking! A spanking!” Cheered the girls eagerly.

Dawn couldn’t help but think she was going to be very busy over the next few hours, she also wondered who was going to spank her.

“And after the spanking,” Dareia continued with her explanation, “the oral sex!”

“Oral sex! Oral sex!” Chanted the girls.

“Well,” Dawn shrugged still half in and out of her clothes, “I ‘spose I could stay a BIT longer.”

“DAWN!” Faith, sword in hand, burst into the room.

“Oh, hi,” Dawn waved dreamily to her friend.

“Quick!” Faith fought her way through the crowd of girls and across the room, which wasn’t really that difficult because none of the girls were trying to stop her.

“What?” slightly annoyed, Dawn frowned at Faith.

“Quick!” Faith repeated as she pulled a reluctant Dawn towards the exit.

“Why?” Dawn tried to disengage her arm from Faith’s hand while not tripping over her britches which were still down around her ankles.

“You're in great danger!” cried Faith as she struggled with Dawn.

“No she isn't!” cried Dareia.

“Shut-it bitch!” Faith pointed her sword at Dareia.

“Now look here,” Dawn tried to exert some control over her life, “don’t…”

“Come on,” Faith interrupted as she dragged Dawn inexorably towards the door, while at the same time keeping the girls back with the threat of her sword.

“Look, I'm fine!” Dawn fought against Faith’s slayer strength to no avail.

“MOVE IT!” ordered Faith losing her temper, anyone would think Dawn didn’t want to be rescued.

“Now look,” Dawn managed to bring Faith to a momentary halt, she waved her finger under the older woman’s nose, “I can tackle this lot single-handed!”

“Yes!” pleaded Dareia, “Let her tackle us single-handed!”

“Yes! Yes!” Begged the girls, “Tackle us single-handed!” 

“No,” once again Faith started to pull Dawn through the door and down a corridor towards the outside world as the Sapphists tried to stop them. 

“No, really, honestly, I can cope,” insisted Dawn, “I can handle this lot easily!”

“Oh, yes,” beseeched Dareia, “let her handle us easily.”

“Yes, yes!” wailed the girls as they saw Dawn slip from their grasp.

“Wait! I can spank them!” Dawn was dragged unceremoniously out into the night, “There's only a hundred-and-sixty of them!”

“Yes, yes,” cried Dareia forlornly, “she'll beat us easily, we haven't a chance!” 

“Yes, yes!” sobbed the girl’s as the main gate swung shut with a final ominous *BOOM!* 

“Oh shit!” Cursed Dareia, she turned sadly to the girls, “Looks like its marrow again tonight, girls.”

With a disappointed groan the girls turned and walked slowly back to their rooms.

0=0=0=0


	30. Chapter 30

5\. 

The part of the great forest that Dawn and Faith were at present riding through appeared to be (not to put too fine a point on it) idyllic, which was never a good sign. Although the sun shone down through the great trees and birds sang merrily as they hopped from branch to branch doing whatever it was birds did; all was not well in the questing world.

“How do you expect me to grow as a person if you don’t let me experiment?” Dawn was still not best pleased about being rescued from the Temple of Sappho.

“Experiments can get ya killed,” Faith pointed out; her buddy’s at the tavern had warned her about the stuff that went on at the so-called temple, so, she’d ridden off to rescue Dawn before the Sapphists could have their evil way with her (of course Faith didn’t actually think like this, her thoughts were much more graphic).

“OH!” Dawn cried in frustration, deep down she knew Faith was right, but how was she to learn things with Faith protecting her all the time? “It’s not fair!”

“HEY!” Faith turned angrily in her saddle and pointed an accusing finger at Dawn, “I’ll rescue you whenever I like, so…”

“Sorry,” Dawn apologised quickly, “but what was the worst that could have happened?” She asked reasonably, “It’s not like they were going to kill…!”

Too fast for even Faith to react, the arrow flashed through the air and struck Dawn in the chest. With a surprised cry, she flung up her arms and fell sideways off her horse; Dawn landed heavily in the grass beside the track. In an instant, Faith had jumped from her horse and with sword in hand was at Dawn’s side.

“DAWN!” Faith cried as she knelt beside the younger woman; looking around she could see no immediate danger, putting down her blade she lifted Dawn up into a sitting position “Hey, Dawn?” she almost sobbed.

Lying in Faith’s arms, Dawn made not a sound. Quickly Faith examined he friend’s wound. The arrow was sticking out of Dawn’s right breast, but there didn’t appear to be any blood, Faith didn’t know if that was good or bad.

“Oh Dawn,” sniffed Faith; now she regretted every time she’d been hard on the girl, she even regretted not letting her ‘experience’ the Temple of Sappho.

Now she’d never hear any of her silly songs again, which were actually quite good in a weird sort of way; now Faith would never have the chance to tell her. Sobbing, Faith rocked Dawn’s lifeless body back and forth; she sniffed and wiped the one perfect tear from her cheek smearing snot across her face as she did so. Now she’d never be able to tell Dawn how much she loved her (in a purely platonic and sororal way), how she wished Dawn had been her sister.

Regaining control of her emotions a steely resolve came across Faith, her jaw set and her eyes became hard. Faith would exact terrible vengeance for the death of her dearest, truest, sweetest friend.

“Dawn,” Faith’s voice trembled with emotion, “your death will not go unpunished.”

“I ain’t dead yet,” Dawn opened an eye and looked up at her friend, “an’ would ya mind gettin’ ya hand offa my boob?”

“WHAT!?” Faith looked down at her supposedly dead companion; oddly she felt a little disappointed, she’d got herself all upset over nothing.

“Here,” Dawn sat up and started to pull on the arrow that stuck out of her chest, “Ouch! That hurts, give me a hand will ya?”

“Yeah sure,” Faith frowned at Dawn, there seemed to be something different about the girl (apart from the arrow sticking out of her chest that is), something not quite right.

Between the two of them they pulled the arrow from Dawn’s boob. While Faith examined the bent and twisted arrowhead, Dawn examined her battered and bruised breast.

“Just as well I was wearin’ m’ steel reinforced bra!” Dawn climbed to her feet as she rubbed her bosom. 

“Yeah,” agreed Faith, she was distracted by something attached to the arrow, “hey there’s a note!”

“Yeah?” Dawn came over to stand next to Faith, “What’s it say?”

“To whomever finds this note.” Faith read the note aloud, “Help! I am being held prisoner by my father who wishes me to marry **against my will**!! Please, please, please, please, rescue me. I am in the Tall Tower of Swamp Palace.” 

“I bet that’s the same motherfucker that shot me!” Dawn looked around angrily through the trees to where a large palace stood surrounded by swamp.

“Hey, Dawn?” Faith gave her friend a concerned look, “You feeling okay? You’re not sounding like y’self, know what I mean?”

“Yeah I’m fine,” Dawn collected up her reins and started to mount her horse, “‘bout as fine as anyone who’s bin shot in the tit!” Dawn swung herself into the saddle as Faith rushed to mount her own horse. “I’ll teach the careless fuckers to go ‘round shooting off arrows, like willy-nilly…BASTARDS!”

Putting her heels to her horse, Dawn galloped off at breakneck speed towards the palace. Clambering onto her own horse, Faith raced after her friend wondering what had come over the girl.

0=0=0=0

Standing guard at the main gate of Swamp Palace, Ahriman and Merikh leaned on their spears and wished they were anywhere but where they were. Their helmets were ringed with garlands of white flowers indicating that there was going to be a wedding today. Instead of being able to join in with the festivities they’d drawn guard duty, both men were convinced that the sergeant at arms didn’t like them.

Nodding a welcome to a wedding guest, something caught Merikh’s eye. He grunted at Ahriman to attract his attention and pointed towards the forest. Squinting against the sun that shone off the patches of water between the reeds, the two men saw a rider; no, make that two riders galloping towards the palace. The first rider had a sword in his hand and seemed to be yelling something in some incomprehensible barbarian tongue. The second rider appeared to be riding frantically to catch the first. 

The two men looked away from the riders and turned to each other, they both gave a resigned shrug before turning back to watch the rider’s approach. Much to their surprise the first rider was already upon them screaming some hi-pitched warcry. Merikh looked up in horror to see a sword blade slash down towards his head. He just had time to scream in fear before his world turned red and then black.

Shocked by the rider’s sudden appearance and his comrade’s even more sudden death, Ahriman just had time to lift up his spear in an attempt to ward off the blade that whistled towards his neck. Unfortunately he was just a little too slow and the sword slashed across his throat. As the blood fountained between his fingers, Ahriman was scandalized to see that his attacker was a young woman; shortly after that he was never scandalized by anything ever again.

0=0=0=0

Jumping from her horse, Dawn stepped over the bodies of the two guards, ahead of her was a short tunnel leading through the palace walls and out into a courtyard. Behind her she heard Faith gallop up and dismount, dimly she heard Faith call to her. Ignoring her comrade’s call (she was probably only going to tell her to be careful or something), Dawn ran through the short tunnel and out into the sunlit courtyard.

Thrusting her sword into the back of a woman who’d not got out of her way fast enough, Dawn looked around. There was some sort of calibration going on; on one side of the courtyard, on a stage set against the palace wall, where a group of five musicians playing their instruments as a dozen or so white clad virgins danced in a circle in front of the stage.

Screaming in incoherent bloodlust, Dawn hacked her way through the dancers. Screams of pain and fear ripped the air as blood stained white gowns red and the survivors ran screaming for safety. Hardly slowed by the dancers, Dawn plunged into the struggling sea of humanity as the wedding guests tried to escape her blade as it rose and fell laying out bodies in an untidy path behind her.

Turning to savour the death and destruction she was causing, Dawn spied a staircase leading up the side of a wall. Running towards it she easily dispatched the two guards that tried to block her path; they died screaming as they clutched at severed limbs and sliced open stomachs. Running to the top of the stairs she plunged her sword into the belly of yet another guard who tried to bar her way, screaming in agony the man tripped on his own intestines and fell off the stairs to dash his head open against the paving slabs below.

0=0=0=0

Coming out into the sunlight courtyard, Faith came to a traumatized halt. All around her men and women ran screaming for the shelter of the palace buildings. On the ground lay the wounded moaning and begging for help as they tried pitifully to staunch the bleeding of their horrific wounds. Stumbling into the centre of this blood soaked charnel house, Faith couldn’t believe her eyes.

Had Dawn done all this? What’d happened to the girl, why’d she suddenly turned into a blood crazed homicidal maniac? Then it dawned on her, Dawn must have hit her head or something when she’d fallen off her horse. Dismayed, Faith realised she’d have to stop Dawn one way or another. Following the trail of dead and maimed wedding guests, Faith moved further into the palace.

0=0=0=0

Laughing insanely, Dawn burst into a flower bedecked hall. Laying about her with her sword she cut down servants and wedding guests alike. Coming on a group of white clad teenage girls, some part of her mind told her that these were the bride and her bridesmaids, she raised her sword. Cutting down two of the bridesmaids in fountains of rich, warm, red, blood, Dawn kicked the bride in the chest before turning and running towards a flight of stairs that led up to the next floor.

Pausing only to dispatch two more guards, Dawn burst into a chamber at the top of the stairs. Breathing heavily her blood flecked breasts rising and falling as even more blood dripped from her sword blade. She advanced slowly towards the weak looking, pallid skinned princeling who stood before her dressed in an ill fitting tunic.

“Were you the motherfucker who shot that arrow?” Dawn asked coldly as she raised her sword ready to strike.

“You got my note!” exclaimed the prince.

“Note?” Surprised, Dawn stayed her hand.

“I knew someone would read it and rescue me!” the prince appeared not to notice the copious amounts of fresh blood on Dawn’s clothes, body and sword; he rushed over to a bed were sheets had been roughly tied into a rope, “I've got a rope all ready,” he smiled foolishly, “let's climb down!”

“What's all this!?” an older man in hastily donned armour bustled into the room, he glared at Dawn, “Are you the one who killed all my guests?”

“She's come to rescue me!” cried the prince carrying the sheet rope to the window and throwing it out.

“Shut your noise, you.” The King pointed at his son before turning to confront Dawn once again, “Well, what about it?”

“Erm,” Dawn couldn’t help but think things weren’t turning out how they should, “I suppose I may have got...a bit...you know, totally caught up in the, like, moment.”

“Caught up in the moment!” cried the king doubtfully, he paused and cleared his throat with a cough, “Look, whoever you are, you not only ruined my wedding reception, and caused me great mental anguish, but you killed the bride's father and kicked the bride in the chest! Now what sort of behaviour is that? Who are you, anyway?”

“I’m, like Dawn the Perky Parthenian Dancer,” Dawn looked at the sword in her hand and wondered where all the blood had come from, “I travel with, Faith the Buff Barbarian.”

“Dawn the Perky Parthenian Dancer?” a calculating tone entered the kings voice, “You’re Faith the Buff Barbarian’s sidekick?”

Dawn nodded her head noticing for the first time how she was covered in blood.

“I'm ready, sweet Dawn!” the prince started to climb out the window.

“Yeah...and I'm, like real sorry about all the mess...” Dawn gulped, “and all the totally dead bodies.”

“Mess?” the king smiled resting a fatherly hand on Dawn’s bloody shoulder, “Nonsense!! Why, Dawn, consider yourself my honoured guest, I insist.” 

“That’s, like really nice of you,” Dawn smiled uncertainly, “and, like I'm totally sorry about killing all those people...and-and kicking the bride...”

“Hurry, Dawn!” cried the prince as he climbed out the window and started down the rope.

“Don't you worry about a thing, luv,” the king started to lead Dawn towards the door. “Just you come downstairs with me and I’ll introduce you to everyone…well the survivors anyway.”

“Gee,” Dawn smiled, “that’s, like, great and totally understanding of you....Thank you, like, very much...your kingy-ness.”

“I won't be a minute,” the king eyed the sheet rope that stretched across the room, drawing his dagger he crossed the floor towards it.

“Are you coming, Dawn?” the prince’s voice floated in from outside; the king quickly cut the rope. There was a long drawn out “Aaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!!” Followed by a soft, wet *THUMP!* The king smiled to himself, and called “Just coming Dawn.” 

Standing at the top of the stairs, Dawn looked down at the scene of death and devastation that greeted her eyes. Looking up at her the surviving wedding guests recognised her as the murdering bastard that'd caused all the bloodshed.

"There she is!" cried a man clutching the stump of his arm.

“She's the one!" called another picking up a discarded spear and advancing towards the stairs.

“Get her!" came the general cry as men and women grabbed what weapons they could find and advanced on Dawn. 

“Oh, bloody hell,” muttered the King as he came up behind Dawn and laid his hand once more on her shoulder. He held up his other hand in an attempt to calm his angry guests, “Ladies and gentlemen, this woman whom you see beside me is my own honoured friend, Dawn the Perky Parthenian Dancer. She has come all this way just to…”

“She killed the bride's father!” Came a cry from below.

The king couldn’t be bothered with that just now, he’d been thinking. If the sidekick could cause this much devastation with just her sword; how much more dangerous would the hero be? With these two women on his side he wouldn’t need to marry his useless son off to the daughters of snooty kings who looked down their noses at him because of his humble beginnings. No, he could conquer all the land he wanted with this girl and her friend at the head of his army.

“Oh, come now!” the king tried once more to pacify the crowd, “Let's not bicker and argue about who killed who!” the king looked admiringly at Dawn, “Lady Dawn has come to celebrate with me the joyful occasion of my son's marriage to Princess Lucky.” The king frowned sadly, “Unfortunately, my son Kerecacpa has just fallen to his death from the Tall Tower.” There were gasps of dismay from the crowd, “But,” continued the king, “I like to think of myself, not so much as having lost a son, but as having gained a daughter.” He looked at Dawn lovingly, the thought that Dawn might make a good wife was also going through his mind.

“Right...” the king was thinking quickly now, if he married the sidekick the hero would have no choice but to help him. “As this is meant to be a wedding I would like to welcome Lady Dawn into my family, and give her my hand in marriage in earnest token of my esteem and the deep undying love that I hold for her…and her no doubt equally dangerous companion.” 

“WHAT!?” Dawn looked at the king in surprise; somehow she’d gone from murdering everyone to prospective queen in about five minutes; suddenly she really wished Faith was here. “Look,” Dawn started to edge down the stairs, “I really oughta be going, Faith’ll be looking for me.”

“Going?” the king wrapped an arm tightly around Dawn’s shoulders, “ Nonsense! Why,” he smiled insincerely, “how could you leave me at a time like this, so recently bereft of my only son?” 

“He ain’t quite dead yet!” called Faith as she carried the prince’s limp body into the hall.

“Oh, bloody hell,” sighed the king seeing his plans start to unravel before his very eyes “But, how on earth did he survive the fall from the Tall Tower?” 

“Well, I'll tell you...” the prince groaned from the floor where Faith had lain him.

“No!” Cried the King, “Wait!” He looked around anxiously for some guards to shut his son up; unfortunately, Dawn had killed them all, “Stop that!” 

“RUN DAWN!” Cried Faith from below, “Let's get the fuck outta here!” 

Seeing her chance to escape, Dawn grabbed hold of a rope that was used to raise and lower a chandelier. Untying the end she swung across the hall above the heads of the crowd and straight into the wall on the other side of the room. Like a bug on a windscreen, she slid down the wall to land in a heap at Faith’s feet.

“Come-on!” Faith pulled Dawn upright, “RUN!”

“What happened?” Dawn clutched her forehead as Faith dragged her towards the exit, “Where are we, what’s going on?”

“Never mind,” they were out in the courtyard and nearly at the horses, “I’ll tell ya later.”

0=0=0=0


	31. Chapter 31

6\. 

It was now nearly five weeks since, Faith and Dawn had started out on their quest. Dawn had long ago ripped up the map and used it for kindling when she was lighting the camp fire in the evening. Now the two women were simply riding about the Great Forest at random, making their living by dancing and acts of arbitrary violence. It was a recent ‘act of violence’ that was the topic of their present conversation.

“Look,” Dawn explained to her friend and comrade, “anything with, like, three heads must be totally evil; I wouldn’t beat y’self up about it.”

Not looking convinced, Faith rode on in silence.

“And-and what about all those dead bodies and stuff?” Dawn pointed out happily, “Look, Faith you did the right thing…three headed warriors, totally evil.”

“Yeah I ‘spose ya right,” Faith still didn’t sound totally convinced, “they just didn’t sound that evil.”

“Trust me,” Dawn leaned over and placed her hand on Faith’s thigh (in a purely sisterly way), “you did the right thing…hey look!”

The track had opened out into a wide green valley hidden away in the depths of the forest. The valley was at least a mile wide and about five times that long. It was green with grass and there were neat little fields with crops and animals in them. Roughly in the middle of the valley, Dawn and Faith could see smoke rising into the clear blue sky, obviously the location of a village. As they rode out into the sunlight, Dawn spotted two figures working in a field.

“Hey,” Dawn glanced around at Faith, “I’ll go ask those peasants who’s in charge shall I?”

“Knock y’self out,” Faith watched as Dawn trotted her horse over to where the peasants worked.

“Old Woman!” Dawn called cheerfully.

The peasant turned around revealing that he was in fact a man with a long beard, or, an incredibly ugly woman.

“Man!” Replied the peasant putting pay to any doubt.

“Man, right,” Dawn laughed to cover her mistake, “sorry.... um who’s, like, in charge of that village?” Dawn pointed towards the smoke rising from behind an orchard.

“I'm thirty-seven,” replied the man carrying on his very own surrealist conversation.

“Huh!?” Dawn was beginning to regret asking this guy anything.

“I'm thirty-seven! I'm not old,” explained the man, by now the other peasant had stopped working and had walked over to join the ‘man’.

“Sorry,” Dawn shifted uncomfortably in her saddle. “like, I just couldn't call you ‘man’, could I?”

“Well you could call me Ohrmazd,” the peasant replied haughtily.

“I didn't, like, know your name was Ohrmazd!” Dawn could feel the conversation slip out of her control.

“Well,” sniffed Ohrmazd, “you didn't bother to find out, did you!?”

“Like I did say I was sorry about the ‘old woman’ thing,” Dawn attempted to placate the peasant.

“Well,” Ohrmazd drew himself up to his full height (about five-foot-four) I object to you-you automatically treating me like an inferior!”

“What!?” Dawn said aloud and then through clenched teeth too quietly for Ohrmazd to hear, “I’m the one with the horse and sword not grovelling in the mud, asshole.”

Instead of saying this out loud, Dawn smiled brightly.

“Sitting there on y’horse exploiting the workers and no doubt 'angin' on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society,” Ohrmazd paused to take a breath, “If there's ever going to be any progress…”

“Oh!” the other peasant looked up at Dawn, this time Dawn was eighty percent sure that the figure was in fact a woman (whether she was ‘old’ or not remained to be seen) “'Ow'd'ja do?”

The ‘old woman’ smiled showing great gaps in her teeth.

“Hi, like, ma’am?” Dawn hoped she’d get more sense out of the woman than she had out of the man, “I’m, Dawn the Perky Parthenian Dancer, I just want to know who’s in charge of that village and whether me and my friend, _Faith the Buff Barbarian_ ,” she said rather pointedly, “would be welcome there.

“Oh! Buff Barbarian’s is it?” the woman asked shrewdly.

“And slayer,” added Dawn hopefully.

“Slayer?” the old woman gave Dawn a distrustful look. “Don’t know ‘bout slayers or buff barbarians,” the woman shifted her bust into a more comfortable position, “I ‘spose you’ll be wanting to take over then? An’ there was me just getting used to living in an autonomous collective!”

“You're fooling yourself,” interrupted Ohrmazd, “We're living in a dictatorship! A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes…”

“There you go,” tutted the woman, “bringing class into it again.”

“That's what it's all about!” Ohrmazd pointed out, “If only people would…”

“Please!” tears of frustration burnt Dawn’s eyes, “Just tell me who totally runs your freaking village!”

“No one,” replied the woman simply.

“No one?” Dawn couldn’t quite believe her ears.

“No one,” reiterated the woman.

“I told you,” interrupted Ohrmazd once more, “we're an anarcho-syndicalist commune! We take turns to act as a sort of executive-officer-for-the-week…”

“Gee, that’s, like, totally wicked,” Dawn replied patiently.

“But,” Ohrmazd continued as if Dawn hadn’t spoken, “all the decisions of that officer 'ave to be ratified at a special bi-weekly meeting…”

“Cool,” agreed Dawn, maybe the time had come to just ride away.

“By a simple majority,” Ohrmazd explicated, “in the case of purely internal affairs…”

“Shut up!” by now Dawn’s patience had worn wafer thin.

“…but by a two-thirds majority,” Ohrmazd went on (and on and on…) “in the case of more major…”

“SHUT UP!” Faith snapped as she rode over to join Dawn, “I order you to freaking, SHUT UP!” she looked at Dawn and smiled supportively, “I thought you could do with a hand.”

"Order?" the old woman laughed, “‘who does she think she is?”

“I’m the freaking slayer, that’s ‘who!” Faith announced.

“Well I didn't vote for you!” the old woman turned to Ohrmazd to see if he’d voted for Faith.

“You don't vote for slayers!” Dawn tried to explain.

“Well 'ow'd you become slayer then?” the old woman (who’s name no one ever bothered to find out) asked.

“She was chosen,” Dawn explained rapidly, “It’s a heritage thing.”

“Oh!” Ohrmazd laughed and gave his companion a meaningful look, “Inherited was it?”

“Fuck you!” Faith said succinctly.

“You can't expect to wield supreme executive power” Ohrmazd started up again, “just 'cause you was ‘chosen’.”

The way Ohrmazd said ‘chosen’ made it sound all dirty and insignificant.

“Hey, shut the fuck up!” Faith had jumped off her horse and had grabbed Ohrmazd by the collar of his shabby tunic.

“I mean,” Ohrmazd ignored the angry slayer who was shaking him by the tunic, “if I went 'round, saying I was a slayer, just because I’d inherited it, they'd put me away!”

“Yeah, they would,” Dawn said wearily, “only girl’s can be slayers.”

“SEXIST!” yelled Ohrmazd just before Faith threw him to the ground (quite roughly as it happened).

“Aha!” Ohrmazd pointed up at Faith from his position in the mud, “Now we see the violence inherent in the system!”

“Screw you,” Faith gave Ohrmazd a light kick in disgust.

“Come and see the violence inherent in the system!” cried Ohrmazd, “HELP, HELP, I'M BEING REPRESSED!”

“Bloody PEASANT!” Faith turned away and remounted her horse, “Lets get outta here.”

“Oh, what a giveaway!” Ohrmazd cried as he pointed accusingly at Faith and Dawn as they rode away, “Did'j'hear that, did'j'hear that, eh? That's what I'm all about! Did you see ‘er repressing me? You saw it, didn't you!?”

Not bothering if they’d been seen ‘repressing’ anyone, Faith and Dawn rode on.

0=0=0=0

The village, once they arrived at it, was made up of a couple of dozen mud brick houses, a temple to some local god, a tavern and a smithy. The buildings were arranged in a loose circle around a dusty square which had a large pool of dirty looking water to one side of it. At present the square was full of what looked like the entire population of the village who were dragging some unfortunate woman towards the pool.

“A witch! A witch! A witch!” Chanted the crowd as Faith and Dawn rode slowly over to see what was going on, “We've got a witch! A witch!”

“What’s goin’ on here?” demanded Faith from the back of her horse.

“A witch!” cried a villager who had the look of a blacksmith about him, “A witch! We've found a witch!” He looked up at Faith recognising a figure of authority, “May we burn her, ma’am?” 

“Burn her! Burn her!” yelled the crowd as they closed in on the unfortunate young woman, “Burn her!”

“How do you know she’s a witch?” Dawn rode up next to Faith; leaning forward she rested her arms on the horn of her saddle.

“Coz she looks like one,” explained a villager, this man appeared to be a farm labourer, he pointed at the young red haired woman currently being held by the mob.

“AYE!” Agreed the villagers shaking there fists at the unfortunate woman, Dawn held up her hand and gestured for silence,

“Bring her forward,” she ordered; the young woman was roughly pushed forward and Dawn got her first proper look at her.

The ‘witch’ appeared to be a slim young woman about the same age as herself, she had shoulder length red hair and green eyes, Her complexion was pale as if she didn’t spend much time out of doors and her arms were covered in freckles Dawn found herself strangely attracted to the woman, thinking how much she reminded her of Willow.

“I'm noo a witch,” the young woman looked up at her with pleading eyes sensing her possible deliverance, “I'm noo a witch,” the ‘witch’ favoured the villagers with a look of sheer hatred; Dawn noticed one or two villagers take a step away from the girl.

“Um, but you’re dressed like one.” Dawn pointed out reasonably. 

“They dressed me up like this, y’ken?” the young woman sounded confused and close to tears, there was also the odd accent that Dawn couldn’t quite place. 

The youthful woman did indeed wear a tall pointed black hat and had a turnip tied over her nose, she also sported a few warts that Dawn suspected were made of wood pulp roughly stuck to her face. 

“NO WE DIDN’T!” cried a few voices from the crowd, “We didn't...” the voices faded into silence as Faith glared at them.

“This is nae m’nose,” sobbed the alleged witch, “it's a false one, y’ken.” 

“Well?” Dawn scanned the crowd for anyone who might disagree with her, or more importantly, Faith. 

“Well,” admitted the blacksmith, “we did do the nose.”

“And?” prompted Dawn.

“And the hat,” the blacksmith confessed guiltily, but then he rallied and added, “but she’s still a witch!” 

“AYE!” yelled the crowd before once more starting their chant of, “Burn her! Burn her!”

Dawn held up her hand again for silence, slowly the crowd quietened down.

“Did you dress her up like this?” she demanded, the villagers shuffled their collective feet and looked about uncomfortably. 

“Yes.” confessed the Blacksmith, “we did a bit.” 

“A bit?” queried Faith.

“She’s got a wart!” called a warty faced woman helpfully from the back of the crowd. 

“What makes you think she is a witch?” Dawn fanned herself with her hand, it was too hot for all this fuss.

“Well,” called a new voice from the crowd, “she turned me into a newt!” 

“A newt?” Dawn cried in disbelief.

“I got better.” the voice admitted quietly. 

“Burn her anyway!” a labourer cried waving a pitchfork in the air (there’s always one). 

“Burn her!” yelled the crowd once more, “Burn! Burn her!...” 

“SHUT THE FUCK UP!” Yelled Faith in a voice that brooked no argument. 

“There are ways of telling whether she is a witch,” Dawn explained to the now cowed villagers.

“There are?” asked the blacksmith a puzzled frown crossing his face. “What are they then?” 

He looked around to his fellow villagers for support. 

“Aye,” muttered the crowd, “tell us! Tell us!” 

“Tell me,” Dawn began with a long suffering sigh, “what do you totally do with witches, much?” 

“BURN ‘EM!” cried the crowd recovering some of its bravado. 

“Like, what do you burn apart from witches?” Dawn asked tiredly. 

“More witches!” came an anonymous voice from the crowd which was quickly ‘shushed’ into silence.

“Wood?” said the Blacksmith after a little thought. 

“So,” a small smile spread across Dawn’s face, “why do witches totally burn?” 

The villagers muttered amongst themselves for a moment or two. 

“Be…because they're made of...wood?” the blacksmith scratched the back of his head.

“Wicked!” Dawn pointed excitedly at the blacksmith who looked around at his fellows and swelled with pride, “Like, how do we tell whether she’s totally made of wood, much?” 

This question prompted another round of puzzled mutterings from the villagers, finally Dawn took pity on them and asked; “Does wood sink in water?” 

“No!” cried one of the farm labourers as if he had discovered the answer to all the mysteries of life the universe and everything, “No it floats! It floats!”

“Throw her into the pond!” shouted several villagers causing the others to cry out and start to wave farm implements threateningly, “The pond! Throw ‘er in the pond!”

“So, what else totally floats in water?” Dawn asked bringing the crowd back under control, but causing several villagers to call out one after the other.

“Bread!” cried one.

“Apples!” shouted another.

“Uh, very small rocks!” called a third trying to be clever. 

“A freakin’ duck you assholes!” Faith’s voice came clear and strong over the hub-bub of the crowd which turned towards the buff barbarian and gasped. 

“Oooooooh!” said the crowd in wonder.

Eyeing her friend, Dawn studied the ‘witch’ for a moment and calculated the witch’s weight; although she was slim she obviously weighed more than a duck. The crowd turned from Faith and switched their attention fully back onto Dawn.

“Exactly.” Dawn favoured the ‘witch’ with a conspiratorial wink, “So, logically...” she let the question hang.

“If...she...weighs...the same as a duck,” the blacksmith looked from one warrioress to the other his confusion growing by the moment, “…she's made of wood?” 

“And therefore she’s totally a…?” again Dawn let the villagers work it out for themselves; this took a couple of minutes. 

“A witch?” someone cried out, a little unsure of themselves, but very soon everyone had taken up the cry again, “A witch! A witch! A witch!” 

“Here’s a duck!” a villager stepped forward, a large white duck under his arm, “Use my duck y’honour.”

The duck quacked nervously. Dawn looked from the duck to the alleged witch, yes she easily outweighed the duck; this should all work out for the good.

“Wicked!” Dawn cried again before issuing some rapid orders and getting the villagers to build a set of scales from a long plank and a section of tree trunk.

The villagers eagerly laid the plank across the tree trunk and as directed by Dawn the two ends here supported by more pieces of wood and the witch placed at one end and the duck at the other. While all this was going on the villagers kept up their chant of; “Burn the witch! Burn the witch! Burn her! Burn her!” While at the same time the ‘witch’ pleaded that she wasn’t a witch.

“Right,” Dawn ordered, “remove the supports!” 

The blacksmith and one of the farm labourers kicked the supports away, for a moment the scales tittered one way and then back before settling perfectly level. The girl did in fact weight the same as a duck; therefore she must be made of wood and by Dawn’s logic a witch.

“Cool,” whispered Dawn in amazement, “that’s totally never happened before!”

“A witch! A witch!” screamed several women who looked more like the traditional description of a witch than the young woman that sat perfectly balanced with the nervous and increasingly incontinent duck. 

Pushing her horse forward, Faith tried to get into a position from where she could rescue the witch. Unfortunately the crowd was too thick and her horse wasn’t a trained warhorse so wouldn’t barge its way through the crowd.

“I nae wanna burn! A big ‘NOO’ tae being burnt, y’ken!” Faith heard the girl say just before the mob grabbed her and started to pull her towards a stake driven into the middle of the square.

“Burn her! Burn her!” chanted the crowd as the young woman resisted weakly.

The sound of a slingshot cracking into the post echoed around the square bringing the mob to a sudden halt.

“LIKE TOTALLY HOLD IT!” snarled Dawn as she slipped another lead shot into the pocket of her sling; the warlike effect of her cry was spoiled when her voice took that moment to make her squeak girlishly, she tried again, “STOP!” 

Swinging her sling slowly above her head and trying to control her horse with her knees, Dawn kept the villagers covered. Her horse snorted at the villagers and pawed the ground with a hoof, it was actually very nervous but the villagers didn’t know that. The villagers stood uncertainly in front of the sling swinging girl and tried to make up its group mind as to the best course of action.

“Why?” asked the farm labourer clutching his pitchfork, “You’m only got one stone an’ there be lots o’ us!”

Damn, thought Dawn, this guy obviously had some brains; he must be some sort of dangerous revolutionary. Some in the crowd grew bolder at the labourer’s words and bent to pick up stones.

“If you don’t hand over that woman immediately,” Dawn started to swing her sling more quickly as she watched the dangerous revolutionary, “you’ll be as dead as that buzzard!”

The young man with the pitchfork looked around; he couldn’t see any dead buzzards. A smile came to his lips. “What dead buzzard?” he laughed.

“That one!” Dawn let fly with her sling, the lead shot flashed like silver lightning across the square; about fifty paces away a dead buzzard fell from the roof of a house with a surprised squawk.

The crowd gasped in shock and took a joint step or two back from the rider who was now frantically trying to reload her sling while controlling her skittish horse at the same time. Taking advantage of the confusion caused by Dawn’s display of marks-woman-ship; Faith urged her horse through the mob, knocking several to the ground and pushed her way through to the girl, she held out her hand to the witch.

“Here!” she called out to her, “If you wanna live, come with me.”

The witch hesitated for only a heartbeat before grabbing hold of the offered hand. Faith swung her onto her horse and galloped off across the square bowling over several villagers who’d tried to grab hold of her horse’s bridle. Keeping the attention of the greater part of the crowd, Dawn set her horse to rearing up and pawing the air with his hooves. The villagers shied away from the flashing iron shod hooves while Dawn slipped her sling into her belt and drew her sword. Using the flat of her blade she crashed through the mob and made off after Faith not forgetting to bend down out of the saddle and grab hold of the duck as she passed.

0=0=0=0


	32. Chapter 32

7\. 

“So,” Dawn struck sparks from her flint and steel as she lit the fire for the night, “your name’s Hazel, right?”

“Aye,” the witch sat on an old tree stump plucking the duck.

“As in Witch Hazel?” Dawn bent down and blew on the smouldering kindling until little flames appeared.

After rescuing the witch, Dawn, Faith and their new friend, had ridden out of the valley and back into the depths of the forest once more.

“Och! They’ll be sorry,” white feathers flew hither and yon as Witch Hazel plucked the duck.

“Umm, who?” Dawn carefully placed progressively larger pieces of fire wood on the fire.

“Yon villagers,” a tear (and not a perfect one either) ran down Witch Hazel’s cheek as she ripped feathers from the dead duck, “they’ll be sorry when there’s noo one there tae tend their wounds or birth their babes.” Witch Hazel let out a great sob as her shoulders shook and the duck fell from her hands, “It’s the ingratitude that’s the worse,” she sniffed as Dawn sat down next to her and put a comforting arm around the witch’s shoulder. “Noo,” the witch tried to laugh through her imperfect tears, “it’s the being burnt tae deeth that’s the worse…” 

Witch Hazel took a deep breath, wiped her eyes and nose on the rather grubby apron she still wore then picked up the duck and started to pluck again.

“I dare say their punishment will come,” dry eyed now the witch set to plucking with a will, “but enough o’ me. Yon friend o’ yours,” Hazel gestured to where Faith was dealing with the horses, “she says ye seek the enchanted palace?”

“Yeah,” Dawn nodded as she withdrew her arm and went back to tending the fire, “the one with the sleeping prince.”

“Och aye, I noo the one ye mean,” Hazel held up the now completely naked and gutted duck, “y’noo got any silly ideas aboot marryin’ the prince I hope.”

“No,” Dawn shook her head in the fire light, “Faith and me are in it purely for the treasure.”

“That’s good,” Hazel placed the duck on the spit above the fire and sat back to watch it cook, “I thought y’were a pair of good sensible lassies the moment ye rescued me from those ingrate villagers.”

“You wouldn’t happen to totally know where this palace is, would you?” Dawn asked hopefully, “It’s just we’ve been riding around for weeks and we still can’t find it.”

“Och, nay worries,” Witch Hazel turned the duck as fat started to hiss into the fire, “I noo where it is y’ken. It’s noo far from here!”

So it was that over their duck supper, Witch Hazel told the tale of the Sleeping Prince.

“Many years ago at the naming ceremony for a long wished for prince,” began Witch Hazel as the fire light flickered and the duck cooked, “fairies were invited as godmothers tae the party. They offered gifts, such as courage, wisdom and honesty. The usual cheep-skate fairy presents y’ken,” added Hazel in disgust. “However, there was a wicked fairy…there’s always one y’noo, she placed the prince under an enchantment, saying that, on reaching manhood, he’d screw a maid servant and die!”

“Harsh!” commented Faith as she stuck her knife into the duck to see if it was cooked.

“Aye, well that’s the way of y’common evil fairy godmother,” observed Hazel wisely, “Noo a good fairy, though unable to completely reverse the spell, said that the prince would instead sleep for a hundred years, or, until awakened by true love's first kiss.”

Making retching noises Dawn mimed throwing up.

“M’feelings exactly,” observed Hazel before getting back to her tail, “The king forbade maid servants within the palace, upon pain of death, but all in vain. When the prince was fifteen or sixteen he chanced on an attractive young woman in a tower o’ the palace. The prince offered her a silver coin to let him screw her ‘cause he were gaggin’ for a shag!”

“‘Gaggin’?” Faith looked to Dawn for an explanation but only got a puzzled shrug in reply.

“O‘cause the inevitable happened and the wicked fairy's curse was fulfilled.” Hazel shrugged and started to cut up the duck, “Noo doubt the girl just thought the prince had fallen asleep…typical man,” she tutted, “who wants a leg?”

After the duck was cut up and shared out, Hazel went back to her story.

“Anyway, the good fairy returned…too late to actually do any good, y’ken?” Hazel bit into her duck leg, “Ain fae noo adequately explained reason yon fairy put everyone in the palace asleep and placed yon randy young prince in a glass coffin to await ‘true-loves first kiss’…makes ye wanna puke, y’ken?”

The were a few moments of silence as the three women devoured the duck, then with a loud burp Witch Hazel came to the end of her tale. 

“Next the silly old bat magiced up a forest of briars around yon palace, shielding it from the outside world: noo one dare try to penetrate it y’ken, without facing certain death in the thorns.”

“There’s always the ‘certain death’,” sighed Dawn sadly.

“Is that it?” Faith asked discarding a duck bone, “no monsters guarding the gate, no magic spells to stop you getting in, just a load of thorns?”

“Aye,” Hazel wiped her hands on her none too clean apron, “they do say, y’ken, that they’re magic thorns.”

“We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it,” Dawn yawned and patted her full belly, it had been a long day; what with three headed warriors, communist peasants and witch rescuing.

“There’s a bridge?” Faith asked as she threw Dawn her blanket and another to Hazel.

“No!” Dawn caught the blanket, even after all this time she was never quite sure if Faith was actually being ignorant or if she was just pulling her leg, “There’s no…”

“Aye, there’s a bridge,” Hazel was already wrapping herself in her blanket, “Ain a monster to slay, y’ken?”

“Oh, goodie,” Dawn sighed as she curled up in her blanket, “monsters.”

“See,” Faith said from the far side of the fire, “told you there was a bridge.”

0=0=0=0

Our three bold adventurers were up with the lark the following morning (the blasted thing woke them well before sun-up; Dawn had a terrible job hitting it with one of her sling stones). While Faith got the horses ready for the day’s ride, Dawn prepared the breakfast with Hazel’s help.

“That’s a new look for you,” Dawn pointed out as Hazel helped her mix the oatmeal for breakfast.

Somehow, Hazel had managed to cut and sew her dress and underwear into something more in line with what was thought to be traditional adventuress’s garb. Instead of the full skirt and tunic she’d worn the day before (needless to say she’d discarded the black pointy hat); she now wore a short skirt. A top that bared her midriff and quite a bit of cleavage too, plus leggings made from strips of cloth that she’d wound up her legs to her knees. Around her waist she wore a belt with a knife and leather pouch and on her feet she wore the sandals she’d been wearing the day before.

“Och, it’ll have tae do ‘til I can get something better, y’ken?” Hazel mixed the oatmeal with a spoon as she spoke.

“Yeah,” agreed Dawn, “it’ll be easier to ride and you won’t stand out so much.”

After a breakfast of cold duck and hot oatmeal, the little party rode on through the forest. Riding behind Dawn, Hazel pointed out the trail they should take until they came to a deep, tree, bush and rock choked gully. Coming to a halt the three women dismounted from their increasingly nervous horses.

“Behold the cave of Cravendale!” Hazel announced with a dramatic wave of the arm.

“It’ll be a bugger to get the horses down there,” observed Dawn, “isn’t there a way ‘round?”

“Noo,” Hazel shook her head, “the gully goes on fae miles in either direction, y’ken?”

“Isn’t there a path down?” Faith asked after she’d spat over the edge.

“Aye,” admitted Hazel, “but ye’ll ha’ to fight the monster fae ye cane cross, y’ken?”

“Oh yeah,” Dawn sighed absently, “the monster.”

“Okay,” Faith drew her sword, “show me the monster. I’ll slay and we can get on and find this palace joint.”

“Och, on ye ain heed be it,” Hazel led the little party along the side of the gully until they came to an easy path that led down through the trees and bushes.

“There!” Hazel whispered and pointed down into the rock strewn gully.

“What?” Chorused Faith and Dawn as they peered into the gully, obviously Hazel could see something they couldn’t.

“This isn’t one of those ‘only magically inclined people can see’ things is it?” Dawn was about to add that killing those cost extra but stopped herself.

“Noo!” Hazel pointed excitedly, “There he is!”

“Where?” Faith was beginning to think that this monster was just another story, all she could see down below was a white rabbit.

“There!” Hazel pointed extra hard.

“Where?” Dawn scratched her boob, “Behind the rabbit?”

“Och!” Exclaimed Hazel in frustration, “It is the rabbit, y’ken?”

“Oh! Give me a break, will ya?” Faith relaxed letting her sword fall to her side.

“W-what!?” Hazel turned to stare in shocked surprise at her two companions.

“You got us all worked up for a rabbit?” Dawn smiled and came to look at the rabbit; as she looked down at the white, floppy, hoppy, bunny she saw the bones littering the floor of the gully and Anya’s thoughts on bunnies came flooding back to her mind.

“Och, that's nae ordinary rabbit, y’ken?”

“Yeah, right,” Faith sighed starting to think she’d been led on a wild rabbit chase.

“That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent ye ever set eyes on, y’ken?”

“Hazel!” Dawn pursed her lips and gave the witch a disappointed look, “It’s totally just a rabbit.”

“Look,” Hazel explained urgently, “yon rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide; it's a killer, y’ken!”

“Fuck you,” Faith hefted her sword in her hand and started down the path towards the rabbit.”

“He'll stitch ye up a treat, y’ken?” Hazel warned.

“Yeah, right,” Faith was almost at the bottom of the gully by now.

“You silly…” words failed Dawn so she just rolled her eyes.

“I'm warning ye!” Hazel called after Faith, “He's got huge, sharp…an’…he can leap aboot,” Hazel gestured wildly, “Och! Look at the bones will ye?”

“Go on, Faith,” called Dawn trying not to laugh at the idea of a slayer being sent to kill a bunny, “Chop its head off, we’ll have it for supper.”

“Okay!” Faith readied her sword, “One rabbit stew comin' right up!”

“LOOK OUT!” Hazel cried as she covered her eyes with her hands.

*SQUEAK!* The bunny, now equipped with extra long and sharp teeth leaped towards Faith aiming for her throat. Luckily for Faith her extra fast slayer reflexes enabled her to intercept the blood thirsty bunny with her sword. As has been pointed out before; Faith’s sword was made from the heart of a falling star and was considered magical in some quarters of the adventuring community. Faith of course knew better; she knew that her sword was made out of extremely good steel by a very fine swordsmith and as a result was incredibly sharp. Hitting the blade, the bunny suddenly discovered it had a split personality...it also had a split body. The two halves of the bunny fell at Faith’s feet, she looked up to where Dawn and Hazel still stood.

“Okay,” she called as she wiped bunny blood from her sword, “I think its safe.”

Up on the lip of the gully, Hazel turned to Dawn, sniffed haughtily and started down the path.

“See,” she said quietly as she walked past Dawn, “I told ye so…y’ken.”

0=0=0=0


	33. Chapter 33

8.

“The Bridge of Death?” Queried Dawn, as they rode up to the bridge.

It was mid afternoon and Hazel had said that they really needed to cross the bridge before dark (y’ken?). Dawn eyed the bridge uncertainly; maybe they called it the ‘Bridge of Death’ because it looked as if it was going to fall down at any moment. Dawn gulped as she looked over the edge of the chasm the bridge spanned, like the gully before it there was no way they were either going to ride around it or climb down and out of it.

“The gate-keeper of the Bridge will ask any who attempt to cross three questions, y’ken?” Hazel explained as she climbed down from behind Dawn and walked over to the bridge. “If y’answer yon questions correctly ye can cross the bridge in safety…” Hazel paused as she examined the bridge she appeared to be having the same thoughts as Dawn about the bridge’s construction. “However, if y’fail y’will be cast intae yon Gorge of Eternal Dooom…y’ken?”

“Looks like the gorge of a very long drop and a sudden stop at the end!” Faith pointed out as she dismounted and joined everyone looking into the gorge. “Who goes first?” There was a great deal of embarrassed shuffling of feet from Dawn and Hazel. “Okay,” Faith sighed and hitched up her sword belt, “the slayer’ll go first.”

The instant Faith set her foot on the bridge an old man in raggedy clothes and clutching a staff appeared out of thin air next to her. The dark haired slayer gave an involuntary yelp; clutching at her sword she took a step back from the old man.

“Jeez, man!” she gasped, “Don’t do that.”

“STOP!” cried the bridge-keeper (which was a bit superfluous as Faith had already stopped) he held up his free had in the traditional ‘stop’ gesture, then went into a bit of bad poetry;

“He who would cross the Bridge of Death…”

“Hey!” Faith frowned and caught the bridge-keeper’s eye as she glanced down at her inter-mammary concavity.

“Oh!” the bridge-keeper coughed to cover his mistake before correcting himself.

“ _She_ who would cross the Bridge of Death,  
Must answer me,   
These questions three,   
Ere the other side she see.” 

“Okay,” Faith gave the appearance of being extremely bored with the entire exercise; she watched the bridge-keeper with her hand on her hip and her head tilted slightly to one side, “ask you questions, ya don’t scare me.”

“What...is your name?” the bridge-keeper wanted to know.

“Faith the Buff Barbarian,” Faith replied as if daring the bridge-keeper to disagree with her.

“What...is your quest?” the bridge-keeper demanded looking deeply into Faith’s cleavage as if he could see into her very soul; unimpressed Faith yawned and replied.

“I’m looking for this enchanted palace place, okay? You got a problem with that?”

“What...is your favourite colour?” The bridge-keeper was obviously right out of probing, insightful questions.

“Pink,” Faith said quietly so Dawn wouldn’t overhear her.

“Right,” smiled the bridge-keeper as he stood aside to let Faith pass, “off you go.”

“Oh!” slightly surprised at how easy it’d been, Faith smiled at the old guy and crossed the bridge. 

“That’s, like, wicked easy!” grinned Dawn, she stepped up to the bridge and once again the bridge-keeper said his party piece.

“STOP!” once more the order was completely pointless.

“Get on with it,” Dawn rolled her eyes impatiently. 

“She who would cross the Bridge of Death,   
Must answer me,   
These questions three,   
Ere the other side she see.”

“Ask away,” Dawn smiled confidently, “you totally don’t scare me!”

“What...is your name?” as before the bridge-keeper started with the easy questions.

Just about to open her mouth to reply, Dawn paused, what should she say? Should she use her proper name or the one she was known by here? After a moments hesitation she answered;

“Dawn the Perky Parthenian Dancer!” This seemed to satisfy the keeper as Dawn didn’t find herself falling to her doom.

“What...is you quest?” The bridge-keeper wanted to know.

“I’m totally looking for the same enchanted palace place as Faith.”

The bridge-keeper nodded apparently satisfied with her answer.

“What...” the bridge-keeper paused for what felt like an age before asking his third and final question; “is the capital of Assyria?”

“Oh come on!” Dawn laughed, “That’s, like, soooo easy, its Babylon everybody knows that!”

Dawn crossed the bridge unhindered.

Finally, Hazel marched boldly up to the bridge-keeper, once more, as he’d done with everyone else the old man ordered her to stop.

“STOP!”

“Och, get on wee it!” Hazel glared at the bridge-keeper, but he wouldn’t be hurried, he seemed to delight in saying his little rhyme.

“She who would cross the Bridge of Death…” 

“Och!” interrupted Hazel, “I’ve nae time fae this…Stitch tha’ Jimmy!” Hazel head-butted the bridge-keeper on the bridge of his nose.

The old man cried out in pain and alarm. He clutched at his ruined nose as blood poured down his face and he sank, sobbing, to his knees. Hazel would normally have put the boot in at this point, but as she was only wearing sandals she settled for a quick clip ‘round the ear as she walked by. With the bridge-keeper’s moans of pain ringing in her ears she walked triumphantly across the bridge.

“Why didn’t we think of that?” Dawn whispered to Faith.

“I didn’t think it was allowed,” Faith kicked herself for not dealing with the bridge-keeper as Hazel had, however something did occur to her just at that point. “Hey,” once again she rested her hands on her hips, “it might have escaped ya notice but we’re over here and the horses and all our gear are still over there.”

“Och,” Hazel walked up to her two comrades, “its nae far tae the palace…you’ve got yon weapons, wha’ else dee y’need?”

“She has a point,” Dawn shrugged, “like, we often manage with less.”

Giving a resigned shrug, Faith lead the way on towards the enchanted palace.

0=0=0=0

The party had not walked very far when they came to a wide and deep looking river, luckily there was a boat tied up to a tree on their side. As they walked over to the boat the bridge-keeper (now in the guise of the boat-keeper) reappeared and blocked their path.

“STOP!” Cried the boat-keeper obviously having not learnt his lesson from the débâcle at the bridge.

“He…damn! Sorry. _She_ who would cross The River of Fate,” rhymed the boat-keeper, “Must answer me these questions twenty-eight!” 

Stepping forward, Faith and Dawn grabbed the boat-keeper by his arms and legs and tossed him into the river. Standing for a moment they watched as the boat-keeper struggled weakly against the current for a while before disappearing beneath the water.

“Right,” Faith stepped into the boat and picked up an oar, “how do we make these things go again?”

0=0=0=0

So, thought Dawn, here we are at last! After weeks of travelling and loads of adventures they’d finally reached their destination…The Enchanted Palace.

“Bit of a dump really,” Dawn said aloud.

The palace was indeed nothing special, it was the usual, higgledy-piggledy collection of two and three story white-washed, mud brick building surrounding yards and gardens. In turn this was all surrounded by a twelve foot high wall with what looked like three or four gates. This place looked really down at heel; the plaster had fallen off the walls in places exposing the mud brick beneath. The walls and gardens were overgrown with vines and creepers and around the entire complex was a thick hedge of thorns.

“Nae time tae waste,” Hazel led the way towards the thorn barrier.

As they got within a few yards of the hedge the sickly sweet stench of corruption came to Dawn’s nose.

“Here,” Faith called from a few yards further to her left.

Walking over, Dawn saw the bodies caught up on the thorn bushes like some picture of no-man’s land in a World War One history book.

“Ewww,” Dawn said quietly before saying, “Looks like they were cutting their way through and just stopped.”

“Aye,” agreed Hazel from several yards away, “there’s more o’ them here.”

Walking over to look, Faith and Dawn saw a pile of bones, rusty weapons and armour overgrown with thorns.

“Tack y’sword,” Hazel looked at Faith, “ain cut me a piece o’ thorn, but be verrry careful an’ no prick y’sel.”

Drawing her sword Faith sliced off a foot long piece of thorn bush; carefully she picked it up and took it to Hazel. The witch gingerly took it from Faith’s fingers and held it carefully between her own.

“Aye,” she sighed, “its as I feared, y’ken.”

“What?” interested Dawn came over to look at the thorn stem.

“Its magic thorn,” sighed Hazel, “yon adventurers,” she gestured with the thorn, “must hae tried tae cut themselves a path, y’ken. They got pricked an’ fell tae sleep an’ deed.”

“Deed?” Dawn frowned for a moment, “Oh! Died!”

“Couldn’t we burn a path to the gate?” Faith wanted to know.

“Aye,” Hazel agreed brightly, “tha’ might work.”

Quickly using her super strength slayer muscles, Faith rubbed two dry sticks together. Having caused enough friction for them to start to smoulder; Dawn placed some kindling on the glowing ends of the twigs. After five minutes they had a little fire going, carefully Faith took some burning grass on the end of her sword and held it to the dry looking thorns. For a moment they cheered at the thorns caught fire and flared into smoky red flames. Their cheers died in their throats as after the initial flare the flames died away to nothing.

“Och,” Hazel sighed sadly, “I was sore affreed o’ tha’.”

“That it wouldn’t burn?” Dawn watched as the scorched thorn branch started to repair itself.

“Och well,” Hazel’s lips set in a firm line, “there’s nae for it then.”

Suddenly a ball of blue magic fire appeared in the young witch’s hand, when it had grown to about the size of a soccer ball she hurled it into the middle of the thorn barrier. The thorns caught fire immediately and flared into great sheets of blue fire. Watching wide eyed Dawn saw the thorn branches writhe like living things as they were consumed by the sea of blue flames.

“Cool!” Dawn gasped quietly.

“Och noo lassie!” laughed the witch, “They’re fare hot!”

After only a few moments the flames petered out leaving a gap fifty yards wide in the thorn hedge.

“Why didn’t ya do that first?” Faith wanted to know as the crunched across the charred remains of the thorns.

“Och, it’s the law, y’ken?”

“The law?” Dawn wanted to know more.

“The Laws of Magic,” explained Hazel without actually explaining, “I hae tae try non-magical means first before ye cane use the magics, y’cannae break the laws o’ magic, lassie.”

They were now at what had been the main gate; one of the great bronze bound gates was hanging drunkenly from its hinges while the other lay flat on the ground. The desiccated remains of two warriors lay overgrown by grass and small shrubs.

“Dead,” announced Dawn un-necessarily.

“Och,” laughed Hazel, “you’d nae look too good y’sel after lying oot here fae a hundred years o’ more.”

“Oh gross!” realisation had dawned on Dawn, “You mean the sleep spell didn’t protect them?”

“Nae, lassie,” Hazel shook her heed (sorry, head) sadly, “they fell asleep ain died o’ starvation in their sleep.”

“What about this prince guy?” Faith wanted to know, “If he’s all dried out, what’s the point?”

“Och,” Hazel took a step into the darkened dilapidated palace, “I expect he’ll be protected in some way, y’ken.”

“Hold up there,” Faith held up her hand bringing everybody to a halt, “we’re here for the treasure right?” She looked from Dawn to Hazel and back again, “So, we just need to find the treasure chamber or whatever…we don’t need this prince guy.”

“Well…” Hazel began hesitantly.

“Well?” Faith and Dawn pinned Hazel with a basilisk like stares.

“I was sorta hoping tae wake the prince,” Hazel twisted her hands together in embarrassment, “ain well…marry heem!”

“Marry heem…him?” Dawn looked at the witch in shock, “That’s why you asked if either of us wanted to marry the prince, isn’t it?”

“Aye,” admitted Hazel, “Och I’m fae fed-up o’ living wee the constant threat o’ bein’ burnt by a bunch o’ ignorant peasants…I thought if I were the queen…”

“I see,” Dawn stepped forward to confront the witch before Faith could even move, “and what’s next? Global domination using your witchy powers!?”

“Och nae!” Cried Hazel, “I just didnae want to be burnt, I didnae want to take over the world…I…,” a big tear appeared in the corner of Witch Hazel’s eye before rolling down her cheek (this one wasn’t particularly perfect either). “I…just wantae live happily ever after, y’ken?”

“Hey, Dawnie,” Faith gestured for Dawn to join her, “Look I don’t think she’s evil, if she was the old spider sense woulda said something by now…let her have the prince if he’s still alive.”

“Well…” Dawn looked over at the quietly sobbing witch, “I suppose so, but I still want a fare share of any treasure,” she turned a full power glare on Hazel, “right?”

“Och aye,” Hazel sniffed as she dabbed at her eyes with a screwed up piece of rag, “I’ll make sure you’re both richly rewarded.”

“Okay,” Dawn relented; she whispered in Faith’s ear, “Watch her when we find the treasure…one evil overlord type move out of her, you cut her head off, right?”

Nodding her head firmly, Faith led the party into the palace.

0=0=0=0

The interior of the palace was like a dim, dusty maze. What little light there was came in through windows overgrown with creepers. Dust and cobwebs lay thickly over the floors and furniture; here and there they found the dry remains of the palace’s inhabitants. They’d fallen where they’d stood when the spell kicked in and slowly starved to death in their sleep.

Finally, after much backtracking and many dead ends our intrepid heroes came to a large chamber in the middle of the palace. Great shafts of dusty sunlight came in from overgrown skylights. Wooden furniture, delicate with rot, lay in haphazard piles as if someone had tried to barricade the doors and windows. 

As they walked further into the chamber the women examined the remains of a dozen or so warriors who had met an obviously violent end.

“Like, someone must have got in,” Dawn pointed out.

“And some one…or something musta killed them,” Faith added comfortingly.

“Aye,” agreed Hazel, “but it musta been many years ago, y’ken.”

“Look!” gasped Dawn.

There in the centre of the chamber directly in a beam of sunlight lay a great crystal sarcophagus. Walking slowly over the three women looked into the dusty coffin; they saw the vague outline of a figure lying inside. Dawn swept some of the dust and dead leaves away with her hand. Once again the three women peered through the crystal.

“Wow!” Gasped Dawn.

“Gings!” Giggled Hazel.

“Will ya look at the size of that!?” Faith exclaimed really impressed.

0=0=0=0


	34. Chapter 34

9.

“How do we get this totally open?” Dawn asked a little too eagerly as she searched for a catch or something that would open the sarcophagus.

“Here,” Hazel knelt down next to the see-through coffin, “there’s some writing doon here, y’ken.”

Joining Hazel on the floor, Dawn studied the mystical writings that Hazel had just found.

Leaving the two younger women to their studies, Faith walked away from the sarcophagus over to where one of the mummified bodies lay. Something didn’t feel quite right to her and she’d that weird itchy feeling at the back of her brain that indicated that her slayer senses were picking up something evil. Reaching across her body, she loosened her sword in its sheath and walked over to one of the creeper covered windows.

Half listening to the excited chatter coming from the two girls, Faith examined the window. It was about two feet square and apart from what looked like some scratch marks on the stone window sill it told her nothing. Just as she was turning away and back towards the girls, she sensed movement. Faith had her sword out in an instant. There was, however, nothing there. Feeling slightly foolish she frowned, but she’d been sure there’d been something over by one of the bodies. Seeing nothing there now, Faith shrugged and walked over to the broken down door by which they’d entered the chamber; she didn’t sheath her sword, there was still something nagging at the back of her mind.

Looking down the dark, dismal corridor, Faith saw their tracks in the dust, four sets of quite distinct footprints in the… Hold on a minute, Faith did a double take; four sets of tracks?

“Hey guys…” Faith glanced over her shoulder to where Dawn and Hazel were doing something to the sarcophagus.

“Faith,” Dawn’s voice echoed excitedly across the chamber, “come and give us a hand will you?”

“Yeah sure,” Faith replied distractedly, she turned away from the passageway and trotted over to Dawn and Hazel.

0=0=0=0

“Okay,” what ya got?” Faith asked as she came to a halt next to Hazel.

“Och, it’s quite simple, y’ken.” Hazel smiled excitedly, “The lid is released by these catches,” she pointed to some rusty metal catches, “then as far as I cane see the top lifts off, y’ken?”

“Yeah,” agreed Dawn, “but its, like, totally too heavy for us to lift by ourselves.”

Getting organised, Dawn and Hazel stood at the head end of the sarcophagus while Faith went to stand at the foot end. As she made the short trip to her place by the coffin’s foot, Faith glanced towards the corridor again, she paused for a moment to stare into the darkness; she couldn’t be sure but was there a new shadow down there?

“Faith?” Dawn called snapping her friend back into the here and now, “What’s up?”

“Nothing…” Faith took her place by the foot of the sarcophagus, “okay what’d we do?”

“There should be some hand holds…” Dawn explained as she searched for her own.

Quickly finding the handholds, Faith got ready to lift.

“Everybody ready?” Dawn asked and got answering nods from Faith and Hazel, “On three…One, two and lift!”

Grunting with effort, Dawn and Hazel heaved their end of the sarcophagus up while Faith easily lifted hers.

“On the floor!” groaned Dawn as she shuffled away from the now fully exposed prince.

Unfortunately they didn’t move quite fast enough and the heavy sarcophagus lid slipped from Dawn and Hazel’s hands to crash onto the floor with a sound like a thousand shop windows breaking. Jumping back from the shards of crystal the three women cried out in alarm.

“Nae matter,” gasped Hazel, “didnae think we’ll be needing it again, y’ken.” She turned towards where the prince lay, “Noo lets see what we’ve got…och,” sighed Hazel, “he does look so peaceful ain comfy it almost seems a shame tae disturb heem.”

“Yeah,” Dawn agreed, “like, the old peddler did say he was ensconced not ‘enspelled’ or 'ensnared' or whatever!”

Once again, Faith had been distracted. Instead of looking at the prince she found herself staring down that dark, ominous corridor. Her slayer sixth sense was telling her that there was something down there, her other five were saying there wasn’t. The slayer sense was outvoted by the others and Faith turned back to look and see what they’d found.

“JESUS CHRIST!” Faith cried out as she caught sight of the fine upstanding appendage that grew from the prince’s pubic region.

“Noo that’s what I call a ‘morning stiffy’…y’ken,” giggled Hazel as she licked her lips.

“I never knew they grew to that size.” Dawn sighed longingly, before regaining her equilibrium and asking, “So, how do we wake him up?”

“In the fairy tails an’ stuff it’s usually a kiss, right?” Faith suggested; by an enormous effort of will she dragged her eyes away from the rock hard phallus and scanned the rest of the chamber; something had moved, her slayer sense told her so, something was out of place.

“Och, right,” Hazel stepped cautiously towards the prince, “we could try that I suppose.”

“Hey,” Dawn caught hold of Hazel’s arm and held her back for a moment, “are you sure you want that wandering around,” she nodded at the phallus, “I mean he hasn’t had sex for nearly a hundred years.”

“Aye, y’right,” Hazel nodded her head, “but I fae one am willing to tack the risk and he probably knows where the treasure is.”

“Yeah!” Dawn nodded her head firmly, “You’re right…what do you think Faith?”

“What?” Faith, sword in hand was walking slowly towards the corridor trying to penetrate the darkness with her enhanced slayer eyes.

“Should she kiss him?” Dawn called.

“Whatever…” Faith replied as she continued her advance.

“Okay then,” Dawn gestured to the naked body of the prince, “you’re the one who wants to marry him, so go on, kiss him.”

“Right,” Hazel seemed a little reluctant, “Y’noo I’ve nae too much experience at kissing boys, y’ken.”

“Oh it’s simple,” Dawn replied with all the confidence of an experienced kisser, “it’s as easy as falling off a log.”

“Y’mean painful and embarrassing?” Hazel cast Dawn a worried look.

“No!” Dawn rolled her eyes heavenward, “Just get on with it will you?”

“Here goes,” Hazel bent over the prince’s head and kissed him gently on the lips, nothing happened.

“Maybe you should put some more ‘umph’ into it,” Dawn suggested.

“More ‘umph’ y’say?” Once again Hazel bent to her task but with more enthusiasm this time. “Anythin’?” she asked coming up for air.

“Nothing,” Dawn shook her head sadly, her expression changed as an idea popped into her mind. “Hey, maybe you have to kiss that?” she pointed to the prince’s phallus and shrugged.

“Och nooo!” Hazel looked down at the upstanding member and turned bright red with embarrassment. 

“If you marry him you’ll probably end up doing it anyway,” Dawn pointed out matter-of-factly.

“Y’think?” Hazel didn’t sound convinced (she was also starting to rethink this entire marriage thing); Dawn nodded her head as firmly as she could. “Och, well,” sighed Hazel, “here goes.”

Once again she bent over the prince giving the end of his penis an almost chased kiss, nothing happen.

“Harder!” suggest Dawn.

Again, Hazel set to kissing the phallus making up with enthusiasm for what she lacked in experience.

“Anything?”

“Nah,” Dawn stood back and thought about the problem; something at the back of her mind called out to her, it jumped up and down and waved its arms in the air trying to get her attention.

Yes, that was it; she’d been doing some research for Giles, about a similar situation…something to do with waking people up who’d been put under a spell. They’d not been having much luck when she’d come across this paper on the hidden meanings behind fairy tales.

“Y’know,” Dawn began slowly, “the kissing thing was often a euphemism for, well,” Dawn took a deep breath and took the bull by the horns, “sex!”

“What!?” gasped Hazel; where she came from sex was something you did in private, in the dark, in bed, with the curtains closed and not in a dusty, spooky, old palace…and apart from anything else she’d not actually done ‘it’ with anyone else in the room as yet.

“You got a better idea?” Dawn crossed her arms, “You’re the one who wants to marry him remember, its no bother to me and Faith we’re only here for the gold and jewels.”

Hazel looked down at the prince miserably; this was not how she’d imagined her first time to be like. She’d imagined a nice wedding and reception, then she’d be whisked away in a carriage to a secret location. There’d be a roaring fire and rose petals and a big comfy bed and romantic music and…and… What did she have instead? Dust, spiders, mummified bodies a grinning dancing girl and her warrioress friend…life simply wasn’t fair.

“Och,” sighed Hazel as she resigned herself to the inevitable, “needs must when the drunk vomits down y’cleavage!” Reluctantly, Hazel started to remove her clothes.

“That’s my girl,” Dawn smiled before she happened to glance over at Faith, “I’ll leave you and your fiancé alone…I’ll go see what Faith’s up to.”

Leaving Witch Hazel to her…well, Dawn didn’t know what to call it; a fate worse than death just didn’t seem to fit, she crossed the chamber coming up behind Faith.

“What-cha-doin’?” she asked breezily.

“Down there,” Faith pointed with her sword, “something moved.”

Dawn peered into the darkness, “Well, there’s nothing moving down there now,” Dawn dismissed Faith’s feelings of impending doom.

“Yeah,” Faith relaxed and shrugged, “maybe you’re right. What’s going on with the witch and her boy?”

“Oh,” Dawn glanced over her shoulder to see a naked Hazel straddle the prince, “we thought of something.”

Turning slightly, Faith looked in the same direction as Dawn to see Hazel lowering herself slowly onto the prince’s…appendage.

“Hey,” Faith whistled in admiration, “that girl’s got hidden depths.”

“Yeah,” Dawn agreed in awe, “I never thought she could take it all!”

There was a loud moan from Hazel as she settled herself on top of the prince followed by a sound like dead leaves.

“Hey, what’s that?” Dawn asked her companion.

Turning, Dawn gave a little shriek of surprise, coming towards them down the corridor were wall to wall desiccated warriors and palace servants.

“Get back!” cried Faith as she readied her sword and stepped away from the corridor to give herself more room to fight. 

Running lightly across the chamber, Dawn retreated half dozen steps as she pulled her sling from her belt and loaded a lead slingshot. She whirled the weapon above her head and let fly, the lump of lead flew almost bullet fast towards one of the walking cadavers. The chicken egg sized bullet hit the advancing horror squarely in the chest with a hollow sounding thump. The bullet passed right through her target knocking it off course for a moment but otherwise not having any effect.

“Crap!” Dawn put away her sling and drew her sword, time to get up close and personal.

Thrusting with her sword, Faith ran the first zombie-mommy-thing through, it didn’t seem to help much as it kept coming, reaching for her with its bony, claw-like hands as it walked down her blade towards her.

“FUCK!” Faith cursed and yanked her sword from the creature’s chest, time to think of something else.

Slashing at the horror’s head, Faith’s sword caught the bone dry monster under the chin and sliced off its head. The skull flew through the air for a few feet before hitting the floor and rolling away. The rest of the desiccated warrior fell to the floor with a sound like a lot of dry things falling to the floor!

“Cut their heads off!” Faith called as she moved in to the attack.

Slicing off an arm, Dawn stepped back from her attacker and took a swing at the creature’s head; like Faith’s it spun in the air before joining the rest of the body in an untidy heap on the floor. Luckily although there were a lot of the murderous undead corpses, they moved slowly, unthinkingly and didn’t use weapons. Glancing over to where Faith fought, Dawn saw her spin and dodge between the animated corpses cutting off heads like a whirling, spinning, cutting off heads machine.

For her part, Dawn wasn’t doing so badly herself. Her fighting style involved rooting herself to a spot on the floor and destroying anything that came within range of her sword, that way she could conserve energy, she wasn’t a slayer and she didn’t know how long she’d need to fight. However, after only a few more seconds the undead tide was sent scurrying back into the dark.

“What’s goin’ on Dawn?” Faith strode towards Dawn stepping over piles of dry bones and rotten parchment-like cloth.

“I bet this is some sort of spell put on the dead by the big bad fairy,” Dawn glanced over towards where Hazel was picking up speed as she raised and lowered herself on top of the prince.

“Ya think?” Faith had a feeling the battle wasn’t over yet.

“We must be doing the right thing to wake the prince,” Dawn explained, “once he, umm…you know, ‘arrives’, the spell will be broken. We’ve got to keep the dead off until Hazel and the prince have consummated their umm, relationship.”

“How do you know this shit?” Faith brought up her sword, the undead were preparing for another try.

“I read it somewhere,” Dawn explained bringing her own sword up ready to fight.

“This shit’s written down!?” Faith stepped forward ready to meet the first rush.

“Yeah,” Dawn glanced back at Hazel and wished the prince suffered from premature ejaculation or whatever they called it, “yeah, it went something like this; In case of undead attack on your palace follow these rules. If you are making love it is imperative to bring all bodies to orgasm simultaneously…”*

“It really says that?”

“In Sumerian.” Nodded Dawn.

“Wow,” impressed Faith stepped forward and took the heads off two more attacking corpses.

As quickly as the first rush had been defeated the second lay scattered about the chamber floor.

“Hey,” called Faith, “this is getting old fast…how much longer is she gonna be?”

“Erm,” Dawn glanced over to where Hazel moaned and writhed in pleasure on top of her prince, “If she gives him any more he’ll blow! I think,” she added, “not that I’m any judge,” there was a slight note of accusation in Dawn’s voice, “not that I’ve been allowed to gain any experience on the subject.”

Just as Dawn was about to turn to face the third wave, she noticed the warriors who’d been lying peacefully on the floor get up and start to advance on the loving couple.

“FAITH!” Screamed Dawn as she turned to charge into the advancing cadavers.

“YOU DEAL!” Faith cried back already fully engaged with her own rustling horde of attackers.

Running up behind the new group of attackers, Dawn lopped the heads off two in rapid succession without the rest noticing. All too quickly she lost the element of surprise as two more warriors clattered headless to the stone floor. Four of the undead turned to attack her as another moved in on the bouncing witch. Dawn found herself ensnared in the dry, dusty remains of the undead warriors. Desperately she tried to fight free but the cadavers held her back as their comrade advanced inexorable towards the couple.

“NOOOOOO!” cried Dawn as she watched helplessly as the corpse raised its hands to drag the witch from her mount.

Just as Dawn thought it was all over a loud, long cry of pent up ecstercy split the room as Hazel and her prince ‘arrived’ at the same time. Like marionettes that’d had their strings cut the dead collapsed on the floor to lie in untidy heaps. Finding herself free of dry bony hands, Dawn turned to check on Faith only to find her trotting over to join her.

“I say…” said the prince as he opened his eyes for the first time in nearly a hundred years; he noticed the red haired beauty sitting astride his, not to put too fine a point on it, penis, “I say!” he repeated intrigued, “do you come here often?”

0=0=0=0

Several weeks later, Faith and Dawn rode away from the palace. Witch Hazel had married her prince and the young couple seemed to getting along fine. Unfortunately the stories about wealth beyond even Dawn’s wildest dreams turned out to be (as usual) false. What money there was would be needed to help rebuild the prince’s principality; Dawn had reluctantly insisted that they only be given a small bag of gold to cover expenses plus a small finder’s fee.

“Do you think we’ll ever get to live happily ever after, Faith?” Dawn asked as they rode away from the palace and its busy workmen and gardeners.

“Hey,” Faith smiled at her friend, “happy ever afters are over-rated.”

“They are?” Dawn wasn’t so sure.

“Yeah,” laughed Faith, “you’d get so bored after a week you’d be off killing monsters again first chance you got.”

“You think?”

“Sure of it,” Faith nodded, “Hey, there’s a war started up north, ya wanna check it out?”

“Yeah,” Dawn grinned at the thought of all the booty just lying around unattended, “why not!?”

0=0=0=0

_…and so our two heroes galloped off into a new day, to new lands and new adventures.  
But that, as they say, is another story…_

0=0=0=0


	35. Chapter 35

**Part Four.  
'Red' Dawn.**

0=0=0=0

_Having spent nearly a year in the Shattered Kingdoms, Faith and Dawn have become less poor and more feared. Stories are told around the campfire of their many exploits. They are welcomed by those who wish to buy their services and feared by those who find themselves set against them. Yet neither of our great heroes is truly happy; their lives as wandering freebooters weigh heavily on their souls. Long ago they have both realised that this life they lead cannot last forever. They yearn to settle down and find somewhere to call home. Fame has become as a bitter taste in their mouths._

0=0=0=0

“Y’know, Faith,” Dawn sat facing their campfire picking meat off the rabbit she’d killed and cooked earlier, “fame has become, like totally, a bitter taste in my mouth.”

“Yeah,” agreed Faith from the other side of the fire, she stared off into the darkness for a moment, “never thought I’d say it but, this adventuring gig is getting old.”

“Yeah,” Dawn threw her rabbit bone into the fire, “like, it wouldn’t be so bad if there was like, a proper banking system.”

“Huh!?” Faith nearly dropped her rabbit leg in surprise at Dawn’s words, “I don’t…”

“Look, it’s wicked simple,” Dawn wiped grease from her fingers onto her legs and leaned towards Faith. “All the stuff we’ve, like, ripped off since we’ve been here you’d think we’d be awesome rich, much?”

“Yeah,” Faith sounded uncertain, she’d not really thought about it as such, “I suppose…”

“But we’re not!” Dawn replied emphatically, “Everything we, like, steal has to be sold almost immediately just so we can totally live. We never get the full freaking value for anything coz we’re totally in a hurry and the jewel merchants know it, so they rip us off.”

“Crap,” Faith spat into the fire, “what do we do? Kill the bastards?”

“Maybe,” Dawn considered the idea of making an example of one or two of the more dishonest merchants they’d been forced to do business with. “Yeah, but that doesn’t like solve the long term problem. Even if we got, like the full value for the stuff that, y’know, comes into our hands, we’ve still nowhere to totally stash the loot.”

“We could bury it,” Faith suggested, not that she thought it was a good idea, it was more that she thought she should be contributing to the conversation in some way.

“Not like a long term solution,” Dawn pointed out, “what we need is a bank; some sort of totally long term security. We can’t go on like this, like forever.”

Nodding her head in agreement, Faith stared into the fire. Dawn was right; they couldn’t go on like this forever. What’d brought it home to her was the ‘pregnancy scare’ of a year ago. Both she and Dawn’d had a ‘Lust Spell’ cast over them and they’d both indulged in copious amounts of unprotected sex. It was pure good fortune that neither of them had fallen pregnant. But this was the point, what if they wanted children, not now of course, but sometime in the future, what then?

“I don’t know,” Faith shrugged her shoulders helplessly, “let’s sleep on it, eh?”

“Yeah,” Dawn started to arrange her bedding into a snug nest for herself, “perhaps we should like, find somewhere to settle down, much?”

0=0=0=0

_Mounted on her great white horse, Faith looked out over the sea and wept salt tears. There were no more lands to conquer, no more armies to beat, all had fallen before her. Now it only remained for her to lead the army home again. Behind her the soldiers waited for her orders; her generals sat their horses hoping that she would give the order so they could go home to their lands and enjoy the fruits of victory._

_Gazing out over the ocean, Faith wondered; surely there were more lands across the sea. They could build boats and she could lead her armies on to new lands and conquests. Turning in her saddle she saw the hopeful faces turned towards her, no, she sighed; quit while you’re ahead Faith. She smiled at her generals and saw them relax; giving the order she watched as the army turned about; she waved to her cheering troops as she rode forward to lead them home._

_Home; now how would she adjust to that? Oh, there would always be little wars to fight, border clashes and minor rebellions. But what really worried her was; would she be able to stand to listen to Dawn going on about fiscal policy, taxes and what the children had done today without ripping her heart out?_

0=0=0=0

“Kids?” Faith awoke from her dream in a cold sweat and looked around in panic.

Sighing with relief she realised she was still in the camp that Dawn and herself had set up the night before. Everything she had seen was just a dream, nothing more. There were no armies, no generals and most importantly no children. Yes, there had been a scare when Dawn had started to throw up in the mornings; but it’d soon turned out that she’d caught a tummy bug and wasn’t pregnant. Since their near brush with unplanned pregnancy, both women had abstained from sex (well mostly, Faith knew she’d slipped a few times and she thought Dawn had too) which was probably why she felt so on edge; she was suffering from withdrawal symptoms.

0=0=0=0

After breaking camp, the two women mounted up and rode on. The area they were passing through was mostly rolling grass lands with a few stunted trees and bushes hidden amongst the shallow valleys that criss-crossed the steppe. They were on a mission to rescue a merchant’s daughter who’d been taken hostage by some local demon.

“Like, exactly why are we doing this?” Dawn asked as they rode side by side over yet another small valley side.

“Rescue the girl y’know?” Faith glanced across at Dawn, “Kill the demon, that sorta thing.”

“But are we, like, getting paid for it?” Dawn scanned the horizon for trouble as the reached the crest of yet another low hill.

Sometime before, Dawn had shown a certain reluctance to rob and kill and well, generally live a life of crime. Somewhere between then and now she’d gotten over it. Now she appeared to accept, even seemed eager to rob people blind and if that meant slipping a knife between their ribs this didn’t appear to worry the younger girl anymore. In fact, Dawn’s new found attitude worried Faith more than a little. She’d always thought of herself as the cold blooded killer, now Dawn was rivalling her in the ‘cold-killer-bitch’ stakes.

“Hey,” Faith reigned in her horse causing Dawn to halt, “look, this is what we do, remember? Slayer, y’know? We kill demons and rescue maidens in like distress, okay?”

“So, it’s, like pro bono work then?” Dawn reached for her water skin as she spoke.

“Huh?” Faith shook her head; sometimes she wished Dawn would speak English.

“Like, this is a freebee,” Dawn took a mouthful of water swilled in ‘round her mouth and spat it out, “like lawyers do back home. It makes people think they’re not so totally bad after all.”

“No,” Faith watched Dawn carefully for a moment, sometimes she worried about Dawn’s; well there was no nice way of saying it…greed. “No,” Faith repeated, “we kill the demon and send the girl home to her old man…”

“…and if we happen to find any gold and jewels,” Dawn continued Faith’s sentence for her, “we can, like so pick them up and totally stuff them in our saddle bags, much?”

“Yeah, I suppose,” Faith sighed; she’d thought she was supposed to be the amoral one, “but only after we’ve killed the demon, right? Come on,” Faith pointed ahead, “this guy’s fort or whatever’s supposed to be another hour or two this way.”

“Cool,” smiled Dawn; she was already counting the jewels and how much money they’d bring in.

0=0=0=0

Bringing their horses to a halt on the brow of the hill, Faith and Dawn looked down into the shallow valley that held the demon’s lair.

“Umm,” Dawn ran her fingers through her none too clean hair, “you sure, like, we’ve totally got the right place?”

Frowning, Faith turned in her saddle and reached into her saddlebags for the map she’d been given. After a moment or two she found the chart and unrolled it, still frowning she gazed down at the tatty piece of parchment. It was basically blank with a doted line that wandered across its surface until it came to a big black ‘X’ right in the middle of the sheet. Next to the ‘X’ was written the legend, ‘Here be the lair of the Evile Daemond!’. After studying it carefully for a minute or two she passed it over to Dawn.

“Here,” she shrugged, “what d’ya think?”

“Like, not a lot about their spelling,” quipped Dawn, “totally bogus.”

Glancing at Dawn out of the corner of her eye, Faith shrugged yet again and urged her horse down the slope towards the demon’s hide out.

0=0=0=0

The liar of the ‘Evile Daemond’ was not so much of a ‘hide out’ as a palace. Somewhere at the far end of the valley a spring rose to meander down the valley and through the palace grounds. Its waters filled ornamental ponds and lakes that shimmered in the soft sunlight that shone between groves of date palms and brightly flowering shrubberies. Roses bloomed in abundance next to the paths that wound through the gardens which surrounded the palace. Amid this confusion of colour the palace stood in white-washed splendour shining as bright as snow in the sun.

Halting their horses in front of what looked like the main gate, Faith and Dawn looked up at the palace more than a little confused. Where were the stinking tar pits? Where were the souls in torment, the skulls on stakes lining the route to some dread portal covered in spikes? Where were all the lesser demons and the angry villagers with their pitchforks and torches?

“Y’think we’ve come to the wrong place?” Faith scratched her butt as she eased herself forward on her saddle.

“Like, y’think?” Dawn raised an eyebrow in Faith’s direction.

“Look,” Faith started to dismount, “we’ll ask, if someone says, ‘No ma’am, no demons here’, we’ll just be on our way and tell the merchant guy we couldn’t find his daughter.”

“Okay,” agreed Dawn jumping down from her own horse, “but like, can’t we just do a little looting…y’know for all the time we totally took riding here?”

“NO!” replied Faith more sharply than she’d meant to, Dawn’s lust for wealth was starting to get on her nerves. “We’ll just knock and ask, then take it from there, okay?”

“Okay,” Dawn agreed reluctantly.

Standing next to her horse, Faith untied her shield from where it hung over one of her saddlebags. Having got fed up with people threatening her with bows and arrows; which even as a slayer she couldn’t do much about, she’d found herself a big bronze hoplon shield. The shield was nearly three feet across and would stop all but the most powerful bows, plus it also made an effective weapon in close quarter battle. Settling her shield on her arm Faith drew her sword and looked over at Dawn who was just finishing with her own preparations.

A shield the size of Faith’s would have been too heavy and cumbersome for Dawn, so she had solved the problem of dealing with archers in her own special way. If she couldn’t protect herself from arrows she’d at least put the bastards off their aim by shooting back. Over the last year she’d taught herself how to use a sling. She could pick up ammunition from the ground or alternatively she had a store of lead shot in the bag where she kept the sling. She also carried a small shield that she could slip onto her wrist so she could still use her sling.

Gripping her ‘buckler’ in her left fist, Dawn drew her own sword; she turned to look at Faith. Nodding to each other they advanced on the door, coming to a halt a couple of feet from the impressive but in no way threatening gate the two young women stopped and glanced at each other feeling rather foolish.

“Like, what do we do now?” whispered Dawn.

“I kinda expected someone to open the door and let us in,” Faith rubbed her forehead with the back of her sword hand.

“They could’a, like, at least tried to throw boiling oil at us,” Dawn sighed, “this is so totally embarrassing!”

Stepping forward, Faith banged on the door with the pommel of her sword. The sound of her particularly forceful knocking echoed through the demon’s palace. The gate slowly swung open on well oiled hinges making not the slightest of squeaks. Once again, after exchanging glances, our two brave heroes advanced into the palace’s gloomy interior. At least it would have been gloomy if it hadn’t been from all the sunshine pouring in through skylights and reflecting off the polished marble floors and walls.

“Oh!” sighed Faith and Dawn at the anticlimax of it all.

“Oh well,” Dawn straightened up from her fighting crouch and let her sword and buckler fall to her side, “Like, look at all those candle sticks!”

Turning, Faith followed Dawn’s lascivious gaze towards a delicately made and highly polished wooden table upon which stood two candle sticks.

“Looks like gold to me,” Dawn walked over to the table and picked up a candle stick to examine it; she screamed and let the object fall to the floor where it scuttled away into a dark corner. “FREAKING HELL!” 

Jumping back Dawn brought up her sword and buckler ready to fight.

“Like, did you see that!?” she squeaked nervously, “That thing was totally alive.”

“Nah,” Faith tried to sound convincing as she walked over to the table and pocked the remaining candle stick with the point of her sword, “it must be a trick or something.”

“Yeah,” Dawn nodded her head unconvinced by Faith’s argument, “like, some neat trick. This place is totally bogus.”

As Faith eyed Dawn at the second mention of the word ‘bogus’, she absently pocked the candle stick again with her sword.

“OW!” cried the candle stick, “Will ya stop doing that?”

Faith screamed in a very un-slayer-like fashion and jumped back; reacting instinctively she raised her sword and brought it down on the candle stick with a resounding *CLANG!*. The candle stick groaned as it was cut in two and fell lifeless on the table top.

“Hey,” Dawn turned to face an archway that led out into a sunlit courtyard; she’d thought she’d heard something. “Like, maybe the whole place is totally bewitched, much?”

“Yeah,” agreed Faith backing away from the table, “maybe we should come back later, eh?”

“Totally, much!” Dawn nodded her head.

As the two young women turned and walked quickly towards the door by which they’d entered. They froze in mid step at the sound of furniture being dragged across the floor behind them. Turning slowly they saw the table (which until recently had stood quietly against the far wall) as it shuffled its way across the hallway towards them. As it moved it gave the impression of growling at the two intruders.

With a cry, Faith leapt at the table raising her sword and bringing it down on the ferocious furniture. Wood chips flew across the room as she hacked and slashed at the desperate desk. The terrible table, however, continued to press its attack even though it was slowly being whittled down to a mere coffee table.

Running to guard Faith’s back, Dawn found herself set upon by a footstool and a comfy chair. She slashed at the chair, her first attack sending stuffing flying in all directions. She was prevented from following up her early success by the footstool which kept getting under her feet and tripping her up.

“Freaking get offa me!” Dawn cried as she took a swipe at the footstool slicing off one of its legs. It yelped and scurried for cover out of range of her wildly flailing sword.

Having cut the table down to size, it was now little more than an occasional table, Faith turned to attack the wounded chair that was trying to stamp on Dawn with one of its legs. Raising her sword, which had been made from the heart of a falling star, she cut off one of the chair's arms. Shocked the chair staggered back as Faith ran it through and through the back rest, leaving a trail of horse hair and springs as it retreated from Faith’s frenzied attack. With a final swing Faith cut the remains of the chair neatly in two in much the same way as Buffy had disposed of Caleb.

“Come on!” Faith turned to help Dawn to her feet, “We’re outta here!”

“FAITH!” cried Dawn and pointed to the gate way.

Following Dawn’s wildly pointing finger, Faith saw that a herd of heavy garden furniture had blocked off their escape route to their horses. Realising they’d never be able to fight their way through the selection of heavy, creosoted, tables and benches they turned once more. Only to find their route to the courtyard blocked by a large pack of dinning room chairs that snarled at them woodenly as they closed in for the kill.

0=0=0=0


	36. Chapter 36

2.

“Don’t worry Dawn,” Faith stood back to back with Dawn as the furniture advanced slowly towards them across the marble floor, “we’ll soon polish this lot off and then we’re outta here, okay?”

“Okay,” agreed Dawn as she eyed an umbrella stand that was trying to outflank her, “let’s totally reduce this stuff to like fire wood, much?”

“Hey! Hey! Hey!” a man in a badly fitting lion suit appeared from behind the dinning room chairs, the furniture parted to let him through, “What goin’ on here?”

He stood in front of Faith, hands on hips and head tilted slightly to one side, his tail twitched a little, rather in the same way as a cat’s did when it’s annoyed. Looking more closely at the man, Faith realised that he wasn’t wearing a suit; it was in fact his skin that was badly fitting. The guy or beast or demon or whatever he was; was about five-six, a little on the chubby side and appeared to lack any vicious fangs or wickedly sharp claws. He did, however sport a rather comical frown and seemed to be waiting for an answer.

“Hey! Cat got ya tongue?” he sneered; Faith noticed a slight Bronx accent. “Hey,” the Lion-man seemed to prefix almost everything he said with at least one ‘Hey!’, “Are ya robbers?” the Lion-man went down into a crouch as if he was about to spring to the attack. “Yous-yous better not be,” the Lion-man took a half hearted swipe at Faith with a hand shaped paw, “ROAR!”

The effect of this threat display was pretty much spoilt by the way the Lion-man actually said *Roar!*, he followed this up with a *Snarl!* and a *Growl!*. Faith tried not to laugh.

“Okay,” smirked Faith, “you the demon that owns this joint?”

“Yeah,” agreed the Lion-man putting his fists up as if he was going to box Faith’s ears, “what of it? Yeah, I’m the Beast,” the Lion-man or Beast was bouncing about on the balls of feet with his fists up occasionally lunging at Faith in a half hearted way, *ROAR!* he added after one particularly wild display of mock attacks.

Dawn giggled into her buckler as she turned to stand next to Faith, the furniture having scurried off at the approach of its master.

“This is getting old,” Faith whispered to Dawn as the Beast danced around them saying, ‘Put ‘em up! Put ‘em up!’.

Not having any idea what the Beast wanted her to ‘put up’, Faith lashed out with her shield catching the Beast a resounding blow to the side of the head.

“What ya do that for!?” wailed the Beast as he cringed on the floor clutching the side of his head, “I wouldn’t’a really attacked ya!”

A big tear appeared in the corner of the Beast's eye and rolled down his cheek to fall on the floor with a tiny splash. Faith shifted uncomfortably and looked at Dawn. The younger woman shrugged her shoulders; just like her friend she was at a loss what to do, demons weren’t supposed to cry when you hit them.

“Like, sorry?” Dawn glanced helplessly at Faith.

“Yeah,” Faith said uncertainly, “we thought you were some terrible demon…look, I’m sorry for hitting ya…and smashing up ya furniture.”

It felt odd to be apologising for acts of mayhem that were their usual stock-in-trade.

“Yeah,” Dawn pulled on Faith’s arm and they started to move towards the door, “like we totally made a mistake…we’ll be on our…!”

Before Dawn could finish her sentence a door slammed open and a young woman burst into the hall.

“WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE!?” she demanded in a tone of voice that made both Faith and Dawn cringe and try to hide their weapons behind their backs.

The young woman (for that was what she was and not some Fury from Hell) stood no more than four-foot-eight tall. She wore a full skirted dress with a tight bodice that had sleeves that went down to just below the elbows. Her dress was dyed in deep reds and shades of green and was heavy with intricate embroidery. Her hair fell in masses of long dark ringlets around her shoulders. The jewellery she wore about her neck and wrists would have kept Buffy in shoes for at least one life time.

However, the most startling thing about her (apart from the ferocious scowl she directed at Faith and Dawn) was the way the neckline of her dress started under her amazingly large and well rounded breasts exposing them to the world, Dawn and Faith in particular. Turning her head slightly with a slight tinkle of priceless gems and invaluable gold work, she saw the Beast cowering on the floor.

“Oh poor Beast!” she cried clasping her hands together in front of her monstrous mammaries; she glared back at the two barbarians, “What have you done to him you rotters?”

Striding across the hall her breasts bouncing hypnotically in time with her steps the young woman knelt down next to the sobbing creature, gathering his head in her hands she buried his face between her breasts.

“I hope you’re satisfied attacking my poor harmless Beast,” she stroked Beast’s main as the creature’s sobs slowly subsided, “What did the nasty barbarians do to you, baby?”

There was a mumbled reply from deep within the young woman’s cleavage which even Faith’s slayer enhanced hearing couldn’t quite make out. Shifting uncomfortably under the outraged stare of the young woman, Faith thought it was either time to run or try to explain her actions; she was just about to take to her heels when Dawn started to speak.

“Um, like we’re totally sorry, Miss…?”

“And so you should be!” some of the anger had left the young woman’s voice as she rocked Beast back and forth in her arms, “attacking poor, silly Beast like that. You know, he doesn’t mean any harm,” she frowned up at Dawn, “he just gets over excited if he thinks someone’s come to take me away,” the woman sighed sadly. “I suppose my father sent you?”

Dawn and Faith nodded.

“I’m Yafa; by the way,” Yafa pulled Beast’s face from between her breasts, “do you feel better now?”

Beast nodded his head slowly while casting Faith and Dawn fearful glances.

“Right then,” Yafa helped Beast to his feet, “you run along Beast,” she placed a gentle hand on Beast’s shoulder, “go and lie down and I’ll see you later, alright?”

Beast nodded his head and reluctantly did as he was told.

“He’s a sweetie really,” explained Yafa as the Beast wandered off across the courtyard still holding his head where Faith had hit him, “he wouldn’t hurt a fly. I expect my father told you he was some sort of ravening monster, didn’t he?”

Dumbly Faith and Dawn nodded their heads.

“I thought so,” Yafa sighed sadly, “I expect he offered you a huge reward too?”

“Like, actually,” Dawn spoke up, “we’re doing this one, like, for free, totally.”

“Free?” Yafa sounded slightly hurt.

“Yeah,” Dawn nodded her head, “it’s like the pro bono work lawyers do, makes us look good.”

“Yeah,” Faith took a step forward, “look it’s our job, hunting down monsters and evil an' all; we’d have still done it for free even if ya old man had offered to pay.”

Faith silenced Dawn’s next words with an angry glare.

“Oh well,” Yafa appeared to notice the wrecked furniture for the first time, she frowned at the two barbarians for a moment and then sighed resignedly, “now you’re here you'd better come in.”

Yafa looked once again at the mess.

“BRUSH!” she yelled in that commanding voice of hers.

Faith turned at the sound of a door opening behind her, she was surprised to see the handle of a broom peering from behind the door.

“Ah! There you are Brush,” Yafa walked across the wood littered hall, “clear up in here will you and tell Stove, and the Pots and Pans there’ll be two more for dinner tonight.”

The animated Brush gave the impression of nodding in the affirmative before disappearing again behind the door.

“Well then,” Yafa stood with her hands clasped in front of her, “you’ll stay for dinner of course. The stable things will look after your horses, so if you’d like to come with me I’ll show you were you can bathe and what-not.”

Once again Yafa's tone of voice would brook no argument, so Faith and Dawn followed her meekly into the palace proper.

0=0=0=0

**Meanwhile at an oddly shaped temple about a days ride from the Beast’s palace.**

The temple was shaped like an up-side-down ice cream cone; it towered over the surrounding steppe; which wasn’t difficult as there was nothing in any direction for several days ride that could come near rivalling it in height. Simply bringing the stone across the plain had been a Herculean effort and people said that it had been built by giants hundreds of years before. What this actually meant was it’d been built by someone with better organisational skills and more money than anyone alive today.

Inside the temple young women in bronze scale armour and white robes stood guard over a strange orb that glowed with an eerie green light. Something important was about to happen; you could tell by the way everyone present was dressed in their best robes and how they’d polished their armour and weapons to a mirror-like sheen. From a side door set into the wall of the great round chamber, came the high priestess and her acolytes. They too were dressed in pristine white robes; around their necks they wore gold talismans and on their heads they balanced unwieldy headdresses. As the High Priestess and her posse of priestess’ made there way around the wall of the chamber they stopped so that the High Priestess could talk to Varna, Captain of the Guard. 

“Varna,” Kendra the High Preistess looked around the chamber searching for someone or something, “where is Lord Kalidor?”

“He has not arrived yet, my Lady,” replied the captain.

“He should be here for the destruction of the talisman,” the High Priestess spoke as if it was the Captain’s fault that this Lord Kalidor hadn’t turned up.

Captain Varna, stifled a sigh of resignation, she was used to being blamed for other people’s incompetence.

“However,” continued the High Priestess haughtily, “we cannot delay, we will proceed without him.”

With that the High Priestess and her lackeys continued on their way towards where the talisman awaited them. Varna shrugged under her armour as she joined the end of the procession. If only women could guard, or indeed touch the talisman, why did they need a mere man to destroy it?

Slightly bored Varna watched as the High Priestess and her flunkies arranged themselves around the talisman. Why didn’t they just get on with it and throw the thing into the pit and brick it up in the darkness forever? Varna tutted with disgust, she knew the answer well; the High Priestess and her puppets had to justify their existence with a lot of chanting and overblown speeches. Varna glanced nervously at the main gate, while the High Priestess was rambling on to the gods about how sorry they all were for destroying the talisman; enemies could be even now creeping up on the temple.

The anger Varna felt was almost at boiling point and she was tempted to just step forward and start the mechanism that would send the talisman into eternal darkness. Why couldn’t the priestess’ stay in their quarters trimming each others 'wicks' and let her get on with her job?

0=0=0=0

As Varna thought these dark thoughts riders were indeed approaching across the steppe. If lookouts had been posted; as Varna had wanted (instead she had been over ruled by the High Priestess) the riders would have been easily spotted. As it was, no one was there to see the riders dismount and set ladders against the wall of the temple and start to climb. Neither was there anyone to see the men run towards the main gate with a mobile battering-ram in their arms.

The High Priestess had finished her prayers and had removed the safety device that would let the pit be sealed for all eternity. Just as she raised her arms to once again beg the gods for forgiveness for locking the talisman away. A dart appeared in her chest thrown from above. For a moment the thought that the gods weren’t in a forgiving mood crossed Varna’s mind. The sound of the main gate being smashed in drove all thoughts of the motives of the gods from Varna’s mind. Turning she saw a band of warriors burst into the temple; cursing the now dead High Priestess for the fool she had been, Varna yelled a high pitched war cry and led her temple guards forward to eject the interlopers. 

Running towards the first soldier, Varna noted that he wore good quality iron armour and wielded a long iron sword. Neither did him any good as Varna struck and spilled the man’s intestines across the stone floor of the chamber. Stepping back after killing the first trooper, Varna directed her guards into position. Occasionally she had to push a girl back into the fight as fear got the better of her. Satisfied that all was well she threw herself back into the fray. Her sword rose and fell as she chopped off hands, arms and heads, Varna noted with pride that her girls had got the better of the attackers and were forcing them back towards the gate. Catching a man under the jaw with the heavy pommel of her sword, Varna pushed him back with her shoulder thus making enough room for her to bring up her sword and ram its blade up under his breastplate and into his heart.

The man didn’t even scream as he fell his heart still pumping bright red blood over Varna’s white robes and making the floor slick and slippery. With a final heave of bodies and flourish of sword blades the last of the still living attackers were ejected from the temple. Turning away from the door as her guards forced it shut, Varna did a quick count of her casualties; sighing with relief, she saw that only three of her girls had been killed, while another six appeared to be wounded in one way or another. Now the gates were shut they’d be able to get the bows and crossbows from the armoury and shoot these dogs down from the walls. These thoughts of extracting vengeance from those that had dared to attack the temple, were driven from her mind as she watched ropes snake down from the roof. Very soon men started to slide down the ropes; shouting a warning, Varna charged towards these new foes.

Just as a few of the guards at the gate detached themselves to face this new threat, the troops outside renewed their assault and burst through the inadequately secured gate. As more and more men slid down the ropes into the chamber, so did more soldiers charge through the now ruined gates. The guards were pushed back and all order was lost as the battle degenerated into a series of individual combats which the temple guards were bound to lose in the long run.

Carelessly decapitating a soldier who’d charged at her, Varna stood with her back against the wall. She watched as the battle raged across the floor of the temple. Although her guards were fighting bravely and well, the attackers could gang up on a single guard two or three to one. Varna knew that all was lost, it was only a matter of time before all her guard force was either killed or captured. It would be pointless to waste her own life in futile heroics; she needed to find this laggard, Lord Kalidor, and warn him that someone had stolen the talisman. Sneaking away from the battle, Varna ran lightly along a temple corridor until she came to a piece of wall that looked no different from any other. Looking up and down the corridor to ensure she wasn’t being observed, Varna pressed a carving set into the wall and stood back to watch a section swing open to reveal a dark passageway. With a last look behind her Varna disappeared into the dark as the wall swung closed behind her.

0=0=0=0


	37. Chapter 37

3.

The last of the still struggling temple guards were dragged to one side of the chamber where their comrades stood in a sullen huddle. A sneaky, slimy sort of man dressed in black armour with the obligatory skull adorning the top of his helmet, stepped forward. He bent to retrieve the device that controlled the closing of the pit from the dead high priestess’ hand. He stood up and slipped it into the hole provided and stepped back and smiled as the mechanism stopped.

The man turned towards where the main gate had been and bowed as a woman rode her horse into the temple. Halting some yards from the talisman the woman dismounted and walked forward to examine her prize, for it was she who had set this entire sorry incident in motion. This was the Great Queen Gedren; Queen of Hayasa who was determined to fore fill the ancient prophecies of rebuilding the old Hayasian Empire which had haunted the rulers of Hayasa from the day that the empire had fallen. She walked toward the talisman as it glowed greenly on its stand above the pit. Resplendent in her figure hugging black leather, bejewelled, designer outfit, she smiled in triumph; with the power of the talisman she could re-conquer the empire and put it under her hand. Stifling an outburst of maniacal laughter she turned to one of her surviving officers and pointed at the talisman.

“Touch it,” her order was driven by the intelligence that the officer had been plotting her overthrow with some of her more disloyal nobles.

The captain hesitated then looked at the half dozen black armoured guards that surrounded the Queen. Reluctantly he stepped forward and touched the talisman. There was a painfully bright flash of green light; then when everybody had recovered their sight they found that the traitorous officer had gone leaving only a pair of smouldering boots to mark his demise. Now, this time Queen Gedren did laugh.

“Ha!” she barked before turning to her ‘handmaiden’ and ordered, “Touch it.” 

The girl looked at her Queen with pleading eyes silently begging her not to make her touch the glowing orb of death. Finally after a silent battle of wills the girl reached out and touched the talisman…nothing happened and the teenager sighed with relief as she withdrew her hand from the orb.

“HA-HA!” cried the Queen throwing back her head and smiling evilly, “So it is true, only women may touch the talisman.” The Queen reached out and caressed the orb lovingly. “So this is the talisman that can create life or bring down entire cities with storms and earthquakes?” the Queen gestured to her guards. “Remove it,” she ordered, “take it to the palace.”

As the queen’s guards carefully placed a cover over the talisman and removed it gingerly from its stand above the pit; a voice as old as time and as dry as parchment echoed across the chamber.

“Great Queen,” the tall and slightly green figure of the undead wizard, Toth Amon stepped out of the shadows and walked into the light that shone down from above.

“GUARDS!” cried the sneaky, slimy man who was in fact Queen Gedren’s chancellor, Ikol.

The guards moved to intercept the wizard but were brought up short by a wave of Toth Amon’s hand.

“Who are you?” demanded the Queen showing incredible courage, or alternatively, unbelievable stupidity.

“I, Great Queen,” the wizard stalked across the chamber past the frozen guards, “am Toth Amon, Wizard and…” the wizard paused for dramatic effect, “...the man who will make you ruler of the world! MAW-HA-HA!”

Forgetting the old rule about not trusting anyone who burst out into spontaneous maniacal laughter, Queen Gedren considered the wizard’s words.

“Why do I need you,” the Queen glanced at the orb, “when I have the talisman?”

“HA!” laughed Toth Amon, “A mere toy!”

Reaching out his hand as if to take hold of the talisman, Toth Amon closed his fist and watched as the talisman shattered leaving broken shards of green glass littering the floor. The Queen cried out in despair, all her plans for rebuilding the empire and almost unlimited shopping opportunities had been dashed in a moment and now lay at her feet.

“WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!?” screamed the Queen in despair.

Her handmaiden rushed to her side to steady her Queen as she staggered away from the wizard.

“Have no fear Great Queen,” Toth Amon’s cadaverous figure advanced on the distraught Queen. “I can give you weapons that will make the talisman look as if it were a simple child’s toy.”

“Show me,” demanded the Queen quickly recovering from her earlier distress.

“Behold!” the wizard waved his arm in a dramatic and no doubt magical way, “The ‘Davy Crockett’!”

“The what?” frowned the Queen as she looked at the short dumpy cylinder that had just appeared next to the wizard; it had fins that made it look like some strange metallic fish. “It doesn’t look very impressive,” the Queen pursed her lips and crossed her arms over her chest.

“I assure you, Great Queen,” Toth Amon sounded a little put out that his great unveiling hadn’t been as well received as he’d hoped, “that the ‘Davy Crockett” or to give it its full name; the ‘M-388 Davy Crockett, tactical nuclear recoilless rifle projectile’, “will destroy your enemies and their cities most effectively.”

“Uh-huh,” replied the Queen still not convinced by the wizard’s claims, she smiled, but not in a very nice way, “So what do you want for this weapon of mass destruction?”

“Nothing much;” the wizard walked across the chamber to stare out of the ruined door, “a place to stay, enough to eat, somewhere an old, undead wizard can shuffle safely down the street. Maybe those young women you’ve captured there,” he gestured towards the survivors of the temple guard force, he paused. When he spoke again Toth Amon’s voice was full of hate and loathing. “And…the heads of, Faith the Buff Barbarian and Dawn the Perky Parthenian Dancer,” spit flew from Toth Amon’s lips as he snarled “…ON PIKES! MAW-HA-HA!”

0=0=0=0

**The Beast’s Palace**

At that very moment, Dawn the Perky Parthenian Dancer was sitting at Yafa’s dressing table having the tangles combed out of her hair. Having bathed and was now cleaner than she’d been for several months, she had, however, found the entire bath experience unsettling to say the least. The taps had kept looking at her and asking if she wanted more hot or cold water, the entire palace was like that, it was weird.

“OW!” Dawn cried as Yafa found a particularly stubborn knot.

“Sorry,” Yafa bent to pick up a pair of scissors to cut the knot out.

“Okay,” Dawn watched the teenager work in the rather good quality magic mirror that hung on the wall over Yafa’s dressing table, “like, what’s the story?”

“Story?” Yafa put down her scissors and went back to combing Dawn’s hair, “I must say you have very good skin.”

“It’s the blood,” Dawn replied shortly.

“Blood?” Yafa paled visibly.

“Yeah,” Dawn sighed a little, “like, in my line of work you get freaking covered in blood; totally other peoples,” she reassured the girl. “They say it’s like wicked good for the complexion. Now stop stalling and totally tell me what’s going on here. Like, the palace, the Beast and what did your father totally do, much?”

Sighing, Yafa’s shoulders slumped a little and she started to tell Dawn the tale of how she had come to live with the Beast.

0=0=0=0

When she was a little girl, her father being a wealthy merchant, Yafa, and her two sisters had lived in a large villa. All was well for many years and Yafa lived a life of idle luxury until one day her father lost all his money when his trading ships were caught in a great storm. Her father was then forced to sell his beautiful villa and his eldest daughter to pay off his debts. Eventually they all had to go and live in a small farmhouse where the two remaining girls had to work for a living trimming other girl’s wicks. 

After many months, her father heard that one of his ships had finally arrived in the port of Haafi; having escaped the destruction of its fellows and going the long way home. Overjoyed at the news, her father travelled to Haafi only to discover that the ship’s cargo had been sold to cover his back taxes. Having found that once again he was destitute and only narrowly avoiding having to sell his second eldest daughter, Yafa’s father trudged home, penniless and weary.

Before leaving home, he’d asked his daughters what they’d like him to bring them back as a gift from Haafi. Yafa’s remaining older sister, Atalya, asked for jewellery and fine dresses, thinking that their father’s wealth had at last returned. Yafa (being an insufferable little ‘goody-two-shoes’ at the time) said she would be satisfied with the promise of a rose, as none grew on that part of the steppe where they lived. 

On his way home Yafa’s father became lost and took refuge in what he later discovered to be the Beast’s palace. On entering the great hall he found the tables laden with food and drink which had, apparently, been left for him by the palace's owner. Yafa’s father gratefully accepted this bounty and being about to leave the next morning; he saw a rose garden and recalled Yafa’s desire for a rose. Thinking that Atalya would be grateful enough to learn she wasn’t going to be sold he picked the rose for his youngest daughter.

Having picked the most beautiful rose he could find, Yafa’s father was confronted by a hideous 'Beast'. Very angry at Yafa’s father’s ingratitude the Beast demanded that he pay for his board and lodging for the night. Yafa’s father explained that he had no money but he did have two daughters that he could do with off loading as they ate him out of house and home; maybe the Beast would like to have the pick of them…or perhaps both?

The Beast had Yafa’s father send for both Atalya and Yafa, keeping him locked up in a dungeon until the girls arrived. After a week of getting to know the girls the Beast decided to keep Yafa and sent her father and her elder sister on their way.

0=0=0=0

“Freaking hell!” gasped Dawn when Yafa came to the end of her tale, “Your father totally left you here with the Beast?”

“Oh yes,” nodded Yafa as she watched Dawn’s reflection in the mirror, “Beast didn’t like Atalya, between you and me she’s a bit of a shrew.”

“That’s like, so not the point!” Dawn turned to look up at the girl; she had to shift in her seat a little to see ‘round Yafa’s boobs, “He totally left you here with that…” Dawn pointed vaguely off into the house, “that…like, Beast!”

“Oh,” Yafa busied herself tidying away the scissors and combs she’d been using on Dawn’s hair, “Beast’s very nice and gentle and everything is enchanted here so I don’t have to do any housework, not like home and Beast’s very good at the sex stuff…multiple techniques, you know, and…”

“SEX!” screeched Dawn standing up and nearly losing the towel she had wrapped around herself, “Like, you totally have to have sex with, like, that…that…monster, much!?”

“No not much,” replied Yafa innocently, “only two or three times a day…it’s quite good fun, you should try it sometime…so much better than trimming your own wick.”

Dawn’s mouth opened and closed a few times but no sound came out.

“You know,” continued Yafa, “its better than being sold to be an old man’s concubine or being married off to some smelly farmer.”

“Yeah, like, yeah, totally!” Dawn had found her voice again; it had been hiding behind her, “but what about the hair…fur I mean?”

“It tickles,” giggled Yafa, “and talking of which I couldn’t help noticing that your legs and underarms haven’t seen ‘Mr Razor’ in quite some time, I’ll have a word with the cutlery if you like?”

“Yeah, thanks,” still a little lost for words Dawn sat down again.

“You know,” Yafa went on wistfully, “everything’s so nice here and Beast is such a sweetie, but the one thing I miss is not having another girl to talk to…you know about girlie things.”

“Yeah,” agreed Dawn, “I could like, see how that would be a problem.”

“I was wondering if,” Yafa twisted her hands together as she spoke; “you’d like to stay for a while. Y-your friend, Faith doesn’t seem to be very chatty, y’know?”

“Faith?” Dawn shook her head slowly, “Like, no way.”

Finding it difficult to imagine Faith staying here to be a friend to Yafa, Dawn started to seriously think about the idea herself. Hadn’t they been talking about settling down only the other night? Life had been quite hard the last year or so. Dawn had more or less given up the dancing and quite frankly she’d let herself go; you only had to look at her hairy legs to see that. No, life had turned into one long round of robbery with violence and sometimes just the violence. Sighing, Dawn let her shoulders slump; some girl-time with some nice dresses and shoes would be cool. Not having to worry about where your next meal was coming from or whether anyone was going to slip a knife between your ribs; that would be wicked cool as well.

But she couldn’t see Faith going for it; a week here without killing something would have her climbing the walls. To be honest Dawn thought the luxury thing would get to her after a while…say five or ten years. Plus, if she left Faith to her own devices she’d bound to get herself killed. Faith was way cooler than her sister, but just like Buffy she wasn’t the brightest quarter in the till. Dawn sighed sadly, no she had her duty to think of; not only did she have to save the world from Faith, she also had to save Faith from the world.

“Sorry,” Dawn said eventually, “like, it sounds totally wicked and all…awesome even, but…but I’ve got to look after Faith.”

“Oh,” sniffed Yafa as she looked down at the floor, or she would have if her breasts weren’t in the way, as it was she looked at the top of her boobs. “Oh, all right then,” the girl pulled herself together and stood up straight, she wiped at her eye with a silk hankie, “why don’t you come with me and pick out a dress to wear at dinner tonight?”

“Yeah,” Dawn smiled as she got up and walked over to join Yafa, “why don’t I?”

0=0=0=0

At dinner that night, Dawn sat rather self consciously dressed in one of Yafa’s ‘frontless’ dresses. Faith, it seemed, had not availed herself of Yafa’s wardrobe; she’d had the enchanted household appliances run her up a new and heavily underwired fur bikini. Dawn wondered whose clothes were the most proactive; Faith’s amazing cleavage or her own slightly rouged nipples. Whatever, she decided that she was glad that the Beast hadn’t joined them for the meal.

“He never joins me at meal times,” explained Yafa, “I don’t think he has very good table manners,” she smiled wistfully and shrugged her shoulders, “It’s very lonely having to eat by oneself.”

“Look,” Dawn reached across the table and put her hand on top of Yafa’s, “I promise we’ll, totally try and find you a way cool companion and send her back to, like, keep you company.”

Yafa smiled at Dawn, but Dawn could tell the girl didn’t really believe her.

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	38. Chapter 38

4.

**The Temple.**

Emerging from the short tunnel and out into the daylight, Varna ran for her life. Unfortunately several of Queen Gedren’s troopers noticed her flight and gave chase. Running for the cover of an area of scrub, Varna came to a gorge that had not been bridged yet. However, someone had placed a rope slide across the chasm so it could still be crossed in an emergency.

Glancing behind her, Varna caught sight of the soldiers following her, they were too many to fight and there looked to be no escape route other than the rope slide. Trusting to her luck, Varna launched herself across the gorge on the rope. Gedren’s men arrived at the edge of the rift before she was half way across. Instead of cutting the rope and sending the unfortunate Captain plummeting to her death they foolishly elected to shoot arrows at her.

Crying out in pain, Varna held on grimly as an arrow struck her high in the shoulder, she felt the blood start to trickle down her back under her armour. Looking out through pain filled eyes, Varna saw a large man in a red suit sitting on a horse waiting for her on the other side of the gorge. Damn, she cursed to herself, her escape was all in vain and she would die before she was able to warn anyone about what had happened to the talisman.

0=0=0=0

Nearing the temple, Lord Kalidor noticed that something was amiss. Strange horses were corralled in a dip in the ground some short distance from the temple. Bringing his great warhorse to a halt, Kalidor screwed up his eyes and saw soldiers in iron armour guarding the houses. There were far too many horses for the number of men left to guard them so he surmised that a far larger force was not far away. Shifting his gaze to the temple he saw a multitude of troops march away from that building towards where the horses where hidden. Cursing long and hard, Kalidor realised what must have happened, someone had attacked and looted the temple. Why? What had they taken? What had happened to the Priestess’? Where was he going to get a bath now? These were all questions that went through his mind as he watched the warriors mount up and ride out.

What to do? Kalidor decided he had three choices; he could follow the raiders. He could investigate what had happened in the temple, or, he could run like hell and claim he was ‘going for help’. Just as he was about to put spurs to horse for a quick getaway he saw one of the temple guards run from a doorway in the wall of the temple and dash towards the gorge that ran around the south and east side of the temple. Still thinking that he should ‘go for help’, Kalidor was once again about to gallop off. Just as he turned his horse’s head to the north he saw half a dozen soldiers give chase to the woman.

“Donner und Blitzen!” he cursed, “Now I vill haf to stay unt fight,” Urging his horse on he rode off in the direction of the gorge. 

The gorge itself wasn’t actually that great an obstacle. True it was deep and littered with stones and the bones of unwary animals that had blundered into it in the dark. It was, however, only a few hundred paces long which was why it was low priority for having a bridge put across it. Arriving at the end of the rope slide just as the injured female warrior came to a halt; Kalidor helped the woman down and rested her against the trunk of a nearby tree. Expertly he examined the wound in her back. Her armour had taken most of the force from the arrow so it had only penetrated an inch or so into her body. With any luck it wouldn’t have done any serious damage.

Grasping the shaft in his huge but gentle hands, Kalidor quickly pulled the shaft from the woman’s back; she gave a cry of pain before passing out. Watching the flow of blood from the wound, Kalidor congratulated himself on making the right choice. At first the blood ran freely but it soon slowed; he need only put a dressing on the wound and wait for the woman to wake up. Standing up to get a dressing from the store in one of his saddle bags, Kalidor heard a twig snap as if under someone’s foot. He screamed like a girl as the first of Queen Gedren’s troopers appeared from out of the undergrowth. Startled by such a high-pitched cry from such a big fierce looking warrior the first of Gedren’s men tripped on an exposed root; he fell and impaled himself on his own sword.

Dying noisily the first soldier distracted the second for long enough so that Kalidor could fumble his sword from its scabbard. Recovering quickly the second man advanced on Kalidor intent on extracting revenge for the death of his comrade. Crying out, Kalidor back peddled in fear away from the grim faced trooper as he jabbed at him ineffectually with his sword. Tripping over his own feet, Kalidor fell and watched in horror as his attacker ran onto his blame and died noisily. Blood gurgling from his mouth the second soldier slid to the ground just as his last two comrades appeared in the little clearing. Seeing one comrade impaled on his own sword, while a huge blood and gore covered warrior stood over the body of their other comrade. The two soldiers looked at each other for a moment before turning and running for there lives. One blundered over the edge of the gorge and fell to his death while the other, too intent on watching the big fierce warrior behind him ran into a tree, knocked himself out then dashed out his brains as his head hit a sharp stone where he fell. Looking around in horror at the mayhem he had caused, Kalidor scooped up the injured woman in his arms and ran for where he’d left his horse.

0=0=0=0

**The High Steppe near the City of Kablach.**

Looking back along the line of the column, Queen Gedren frowned, she’d had the talisman in her hands only to have it snatched away by the wizard. Turning back to her front, Gedren sighed, so, the Wizard was powerful; he’d proved that when he’d so easily destroyed the talisman. But so far he’d not demonstrated the power of the weapons with which he'd promised to supply her; she wanted to see concrete proof of the wizard’s words and not hear anymore vague promises. Looking around she suddenly realised that they were near the city of Kablach; the city would make a perfect demonstration for the wizard to show his power. The city was an important trading center standing as it did at the junction of several lucrative trade routes. It took much trade away from Hayasa; with Kablach gone traders would have no choice but to sell their goods in her city and fill the coffers of her exchequer. Another plus for destroying Kablach was it would rid her of the city’s ruler, the forever annoying Prince Tarn who had taken great joy in humiliating her at every opportunity. Yes, the Queen smiled to herself, he would learn the error of his ways. Raising her hand, Queen Gedren brought the column to a halt; she turned to her chancellor.

“Tell the wizard, Toth Amon, that the Queen wishes to see a demonstration of his weapons.”

“At once, Great Queen,” her chancellor smiled slimily, he turned and rode back down the column to where the wizard and his wagons where situated.

The Queen rode over to where her handmaiden waited; she reached out and ran her hand lightly up and down the girl’s leather clad thigh.

“Soon, my dear,” the Queen spoke softly so that only the girl could hear, “I shall be the Great Queen in fact as well as in name, ruler of the empire and you shall be my consort.”

The Queen’s handmaiden smiled at her mistress uncertainly, she’d heard this sort of talk before. Although she loved the queen dearly she’d believe it when the crown was on her head and the money was in her bank account.

0=0=0=0

Watching as the prisoners set up the ‘launcher’ under his direction, Toth Amon smiled to himself. The ex-temple guards had been stripped of their armour, weapons and most of their clothes. They really were fine examples of athletic young women; after all he might be dead but he could still appreciate a pretty girl. Coming back to the job in hand the wizard frowned; the ‘Davy Crockett’ was a really powerful weapon, so powerful in fact that at first he’d doubted that it was truly the work of man and not a weapon of the gods. He’d been shocked to discover that in the far future from where he’d stolen the weapon the ‘Davy Crockett’ was considered to be one of the less powerful weapons of its type.

Never mind, he thought, he had the weapons here and they were sufficient to do the job. Ordering the prisoners to carry a ‘bomb’ over to the launcher, he watched closely as the women sullenly obeyed. When they were more tractable he would train them to set up and fire the weapon without him having to watch their every move. The primary effects of the weapon were devastating enough, but he’d been horrified at the weapon’s secondary effects, which were almost as bad. If you were too close to the ‘bomb’ when it went off you could be poisoned and die horribly several days later. If you looked at the explosion you stood a chance of being blinded. It poisoned the ground so you dare not walk on it; it could poison the very air that you breathed. However, by using the safety measures laid out in the instruction book that came with the weapon these dangers could be avoided. By now his slaves had finished their work and had been herded back over the ridge to hide with the rest of Queen Gedren’s force. He, Toth Amon, would fire the weapon and destroy the town.

Opening the instruction manual at the first page Toth Amon re-read the words printed so clearly across the page, it read; ‘Thank-you for choosing the M-388 Tactical Nuclear Weapons System, with care this system will give you many years of good service and fore fill all your tactical nuclear weapon’s needs’. Kneeling down next to the launcher, Toth Amon put his eye to the sighting device and smiled, perfect he thought. The weapon was aimed at the center of the city’s west wall, the blast should be sufficient to destroy at least half of the city. Chuckling to himself he pulled the trigger.

0=0=0=0

**Several Miles Away.**

Having ridden for several hours, Kalidor finally called a halt after even he was fairly sure they’d outdistanced any pursuit. He helped the injured woman off his horse and laid her on the ground under a great sculpture of a yak. It was one of many that blighted the steppe here abouts. The story went that a rather pretentious artist had built them, to show the simplicity of steppe life or some such. Anyway, the artist was murdered by some ‘simple’ steppe tribesmen who didn’t appreciate ‘fine’ art. So, now they stood, half finished as a warning to artists who think they know what people like and as a handy camping ground for fugitives. Making the woman comfortable, he stripped off her armour, cleaned her wound properly and carefully put in a couple of stitches before applying a clean dressing.

“Vot happened?” he asked the woman as he washed his hands and put away his medical equipment.

“Someone came and stole the talisman,” Varna replied weakly.

“Nien! ‘Der Talisman’?” gasped Kalidor in horror, “Vo?”

“Yes,” Varna nodded her head, “I don’t know who did it, some mad bitch in black leather and a gold crown is all I saw.”

“But der talisman,” Kalidor rubbed his chin deep in thought, “in der hands of ien nutter, vell…that could be very bad!”

“You’re telling me!” Varna felt better now and pushed herself up on one elbow, “Already it was powerful enough to destroy entire cities, in thirty days if its left out in the light it’ll be powerful enough to destroy the world!”

“Oh geschissen!” once again Kalidor gasped.

“Oh crap indeed,” Varna tried to get up but winced and fell back on her bedding, “you must go and find my sister, Red Sonja, she’ll help me take back the talisman.”

Kalidor was just about to ask where he could find this ‘Red Sonja’ when he was distracted by a bright flash on the horizon. He looked up to see a strange mushroom shaped cloud rise up into the sky.

“Vas ist das?” he, for want of a better adjective, gasped.

“Someone is using the talisman,” announced Varna incorrectly, “hurry bring my sister to me, there’s no time to lose!”

0=0=0=0

**Several Miles in the Opposite Direction.**

“Well I like it,” Dawn ran her fingers through her reddened locks as Faith looked on sceptically.

“I suppose you’ll want to be called ‘Red Dawn’ from now on?” Faith smirked at her own pun.

“Yeah, like, why not?” Dawn straightened her shoulders and sat up in her saddle, “like, everyone totally calls you ‘Faith the Buff Barbarian’, why shouldn’t I be called ‘Red Dawn’…its, like, cool.”

“They only call me Faith the Buff Barbarian,” frowned Faith, “because of ya stupid song.”

Faith had indeed hit the nail squarely on the head, not long after their arrival in this world; Dawn had started to make up this song about Faith’s exploits. She’d claimed it was good advertising and it had indeed spread word of Faith’s fame far and near. Unfortunately it had also attracted the sort of guy who had to show how manly he was by either killing and/or raping the upstart female warrior. Faith had killed them all of course and word soon got around the adventuring community not to bother the dark haired warrioress and her perky, dancer, side-kick. It was shortly after this that the question of whether Faith and Dawn’s relationship was, ‘sororal or sapphistical’ had come to the fore. This had led to more gruesome deaths after which the debate died out owing to the participants all being…well, dead.

The source of Dawn’s hair colour change was the pampering that she’d received from Yafa, the Beast’s, for want of a better word, concubine. The girl seemed quite happy with her life the way it was, other than wanting a companion to talk to of course. She’d begged Faith and Dawn not to go back to her father and had given the women gifts and supplies to see them on their way. Reassuring the girl, that they had no intention of reporting back to her father, Faith and Dawn had left the next day wishing her good luck and promising to try and find a suitable companion for her. Riding across the steppe, they’d decided to try their luck in Kablach. It was an important town and there were always border squabbles and vendettas that would benefit from their tactical input. Riding slowly towards the city both women blinked and cried out in alarm as a bright flash came from the direction of the town.

“JEEZ!” cried Faith as she struggled to control her frightened horse.

“CHRIST!” Dawn cried as she pointed to where an ominous mushroom shaped cloud rose into the sky.

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	39. Chapter 39

5.

**The Steppe the next day.**

Riding hard all morning Lord Kalidor arrived at the Sword School, where Varna’s sister studied, just before midday. He had left the guard captain in the shelter of one of the Yak sculptures when she insisted that he go and find her sister, Red Sonja. Kalidor didn’t really have a problem with this; the sooner he could find the captain’s sister and turn the entire problem over to her, the better from his point of view. He was no real fighter, and the sooner he got home the more he liked it.

Thundering through a great archway, Kalidor found himself in a wide ancient arena. In the centre of this sand covered amphitheatre a tall slim red haired young woman fought with a shorter oriental looking man. A group of strangely garbed young men, who Kalidor assumed were students, watched from the far end of the field. An ancient oriental man sat on a throne dressed in flowing black and white robes; he called out points as the two warriors battled each other. This must be Red Sonja’s final test before going out into the world. Steel crashed on steel as Kalidor rode up to the battling couple.

“Red Sonja, Red Sonja!” Kalidor called as he approached, “Your sister is injured, I’ll take you to her.”

Distracted, Red Sonja looked up at Kalidor and dropped her guard. Her opponent, who was caught up in the moment and hadn’t really noticed Kalidor, saw an opening and struck! There was a sickening *Crunch!* as steel passed through bone and muscle. Red Sonja’s body collapsed onto the sand as her head rolled across the arena to come to a halt at the feet of Kalidor’s horse.

“Ooops!” Kalidor said quietly as he turned his horse towards the exit and galloped off pursued by a crowd of angry, sword wielding students.

0=0=0=0

**Earlier that very same morning.**

Tying scarves over their noses and mouths, Faith and Dawn rode slowly towards what had once been the great city of Kablach. Fires still raged within its once great walls which now lay in still hot pools of melted stone. Great columns of smoke and ash rose into the sky blotting out the sun and making it appear almost as if it was night. Riding around what remained of the wall the two adventurers came to what appeared to be an area that had been outside the initial blast zone. Here the fires weren’t so bad and buildings still stood although badly damaged. Halting their horses the two young women surveyed the destruction.

“I suppose I’d better go in there and look for survivors,” Faith said without too much enthusiasm, “maybe get a handle on who did this.”

“Like, ‘we’ should,” Dawn replied stressing the ‘we’.

“Hey,” Faith turned to look at the younger woman, “no way are you going in there,” she pointed to the devastated city, “it’s too dangerous.”

“Like, totally, yes-way!” Dawn snapped back, “there’s, like, no way I’m letting you go in there by yourself, much! You’ll get y’self killed if I’m not there to look out for you.”

“Okay,” Faith frowned at Dawn; after all this time together, Faith knew the younger woman’s moods pretty well by now.

There was no way she’d argue Dawn out of her decision and that only left violence and Faith would never do that to Dawn. She smiled behind her mask, whatever Dawn might say, she and her sister were more alike than she’d admit; they were both as stubborn as mules.

“Come-on if you’re coming,” Faith kicked her horse into motion.

“Knew you’d see things my way,” Dawn followed Faith through the ruined town. “Just remember, don’t eat or drink anything and we’ll need to find a river or something to wash the dust of this place off us and our gear.”

“Huh?” Faith eyed Dawn suspiciously, “What are you talking about.”

“Like,” Dawn sighed, “if that was totally a nuclear bomb, like, everything ‘round here is going to be soooo radioactive. Like, we should be totally okay as long as we, don’t ingest any of the icky glowing dust, okay much?”

“Yeah,” Faith nodded her head slowly, “okay, much…how do y’know this stuff?”

“I, like, did a project at school ‘bout it once,” Dawn replied matter of factly, “it totally wigged me out, I was like, twelve at the time!”

“SHH!” Faith held up her hand; they'd travelled about fifty yards into the ruins by now, “I think I can hear voices.”

“Is that like, voices in your head,” Dawn looked at her friend closely, “coz that, while being awesome, probably means you’ve gone, like, totally, mad, much.”

“Nah,” Faith ignored Dawn’s gentle teasing, “there’s someone shouting over there.”

Pointing in the direction of some impressive looking ruins, Faith led them deeper into the town.

0=0=0=0

“Don’t shake it, fool! Hold it steady!” the voice was that of a boy or young teen; it came shrilly to Faith’s and Dawn’s ears over the sound of the still burning buildings. 

“Can you do nothing right?” continued the voice; Faith had already decided she wasn’t going to like the voice’s owner. “STILL! You great idiot!” 

The two warrior women rode out into an area almost clear of fires.

“I’m trying, your highness,” this was a man’s voice.

Now they could see what was going on; there was a rather tubby man hanging on for grim life to a large stone hand, maybe twelve feet long. The appendage must have come from some massive statue that had stood in this part of the city. The man was dressed in a scorched red uniform with a strangely shaped bronze helmet. He had throwing knives sheathed on the belts that crossed his body and what looked like the thigh bone of some large animal hung from his waist.

Balanced on the other end of the hand, over a river of boiling mud, stood a boy of about twelve. He was, like the man, dressed in a scorched red uniform of jacket and trousers edged with gold lace; Dawn thought the costume looked slightly oriental. The boy’s clothes were of better quality than the man’s and were embroidered with what looked like more gold thread. The boy also wore a bronze helmet on his head and a curved sword hung from the belt around his waist.

“Clumsy oaf!” screamed the boy at the man hanging onto the other end of the giant hand; who was coincidentally preventing the boy from falling and being drowned in the boiling mud, “Stupid dumb beast!”

Stopping her horse Faith leant on the horn of her saddle and took in the scene; either the boy was terminally stupid or he had some hold over the man.

“Quickly come,” the man held his hand out to the boy, “come to me!”

“Don’t give me orders slave,” whined the boy, “or I’ll have you hung up by your heels!”

Nodding to herself, Faith decided that the boy was terminally stupid and not worth the effort of saving.

“Anyway its too slippery,” continued the idiot child, “do you want me to fall into that boiling mud? You numbskull!”

Uncharitably, Faith thought, ‘yes’.

“I’ll try to swing it around,”

What the hell? Faith looked up to see that Dawn had dismounted and was standing by the stone hand.

“Now,” cried Dawn as she started to push against the finely balanced hand, “like, totally hold still kid.”

“KID!?” screeched the youngster, “KID!?”

Faith dismounted and walked slowly over to help Dawn. Pushing the guy out of the way she added her not inconsiderable slayer strength to that of Dawn and pushed the hand around so the boy could jump to safety.

“Jump, brat,” Faith called when the boy didn’t appear to want to move, reluctantly the boy jumped to the ground.

“Get back here,” the boy spoke harshly to the man as if everything had been the man’s fault, “and stop playing the fool.”

Then without a word of thanks the boy turned on his heel and stomped off into the ruins.

“I hear and obey, Master of the World,” the man picked himself up from where Faith had pushed him and trotted off after the boy, “I’m coming!”

Looking at each other and exchanging puzzled shrugs, Faith and Dawn followed the unlikely couple through the ruins and into what might have once been a throne room. The boy seated himself on what remained of a stone throne and waited impatiently for his lackey to arrive.

“Lucky for you,” the boy piped, as he gestured to where Faith and Dawn stood, “that these persons came along.”

“Y'know we could, like, so throw him back,” whispered Dawn slowly realising she may have made a grave error in saving the boy.

“Reward them,” the boy said imperiously, “and tell them who I am.”

“His royal highness the Prince Tarn,” announced the man standing to attention next to the shattered throne, “Great lord of Kablach…”

“Great royal pain in the ass, more like,” observed Faith quietly.

“…Keeper of the spotless throne…” continued the man.

“Like, it totally doesn’t look so spotless to me, much,” smirked Dawn.

“…Great Elephant who fertilises the world with his…”

The two barbarian warriors covered their mouths with their hands to prevent themselves from giggling in a most un-barbarian warrior way.

“I told you not to use that title,” commanded Prince Tarn, clearly the man wasn’t as under the boy’s thumb as it would first appear, “do it again and I’ll have you impaled.”

Obviously the boy hadn’t come to terms with his changed circumstances; like he hadn’t asked himself who was going to impale the man. Faith and Dawn weren’t going to do it; they were, quite independently, thinking of unpleasant tortures that they could inflict on this right, royal, pain in the arse. Surprisingly it was Dawn who thought up the most imaginative torments. For a moment there was an uncomfortable silence.

“Well?” prompted Prince Tarn, “Reward them. Fool!”

“We don’t want any reward,” Faith rested her hand on the hilt of her sword as she watched the man look around at the ruins a helpless expression on his face.

“Hey!” Dawn turned on her friend, “Like, you totally speak for y’self…if there’s a reward I so want it!”

The man advanced on the pair searching around inside his jacket, finding a gold coin he held it out to Faith: Dawn snatched it out of his hand before Faith could move. Hiding it away amongst her clothes she watched the man expectantly, hoping for something more. Faith looked around at the ruins; there was a short lived struggle as she wrested possession of the gold coin back from Dawn.

“By the looks of your kingdom, shit head,” ignoring the strangled cry of despair from Dawn, Faith flicked the coin back at Tarn, “you need this more than we do.”

“Did she address me?” Tarn asked as his man struggled to rebuild the throne on which he sat.

“Like, what happened?” Dawn cast Faith a black look, thinking that the barbarian woman was talking to him the man explained.

“What happened?” asked the man bitterly as he fitted another stone back into position, “Queen Gedren attacked us is what happened!”

“Gedren?” Dawn turned to Faith and gave her a questioning look, Faith shrugged back; neither of them had heard of any Queen Gedren.

“That’s right,” continued the lackey misunderstanding the looks the women had given each other. “She demanded our surrender; when we refused she unleashed the power of her god, ‘Davy Crockett’ on us and destroyed the city.”

“My army ran away,” announced Tarn sadly.

“Like, I’m so not surprised,” replied Dawn looking around at the destruction brought down on the city by the great god Davy Crockett.

“Did they want to live forever?” asked the prince.

“I would,” replied Faith.

“Or, totally die in the attempt,” Dawn agreed with a grin.

“I refused to surrender,” proclaimed the boy self importantly.

“So she had all the survivors massacred,” explained the man, he received a dark look from the boy for his words.

“Falkon!” snapped the boy, “Tomorrow you will escort me to the mountains where I will raise a new army and crush this upstart Gedren underfoot.”

“Like, where can we find this freaking bitch?” Dawn wanted to know, it was always useful to know where your enemies where; that way you could either destroy them or avoid them.

“In Hayasa,” explained the man Falkon, “the ‘Land of Eternal Night’.”

“How do we get there,” Faith wanted to know, she was clearly all for the ‘destroying your enemies’ option.”

“Well,” sighed Falkon, “there’s the long scenic way or there’s the short way through Brytag's toll road.”

“We’ll take Brytag’s toll road,” announced Faith totally ignoring Dawn’s frantic gestures to the contrary, “which way is that?”

“Straight north from here,” by now Falkon had almost completely rebuilt the prince’s throne, “you can’t miss it, but it’s worth a try…”

“Falkon!” squeaked the prince, “ask the women if they wish to join my army, we’ll probably need cooks.”

Laughing out loud Dawn realised that of course the boy had never tried Faith’s cooking, she stopped laughing once she’d noticed Faith’s dagger at the boys throat. Faith was a firm believer in women’s lib and didn’t appreciate it being suggested she was good for nothing more than looking after the men-folk.

“Dismiss the woman,” ordered the boy with remarkable aplomb, “I shall dine in an hour.”

Shrugging and sheathing her dagger, Faith collected up Dawn with her eye and walked slowly towards where the horses which were waiting patiently for them, mounting her horse Faith called to the man.

“Falkon,” Faith settled herself on her saddle, “can I give you some advice?” Falkon nodded as he went about his task of single-handedly rebuilding the princes’ palace; “Beat the crap outta the brat and then leave him for the wolves!” 

Dawn laughed, on this she and Faith were in full agreement. Turning their horses away from the man and the boy the two adventurers rode off towards Brytag’s toll road.

0=0=0=0

**Meanwhile back at the Yak Sculpture.**

By missing his lunch and riding all afternoon Kalidor got back to where Varna lay just as dusk was falling.

“My sister?” asked the woman when she saw Kalidor.

“Um, she couldn’t come,” replied Kalidor truthfully.

“What do you mean, ‘she couldn’t come’?” Varna pushed herself up onto her elbows and scowled in Kalidor’s direction.

“She’s, um,” Kalidor scratched his head looking for the right words, “she’s um not the voman she once vas,” he tried to push Varna back down onto her bedding and pull the blanket back over her.

“What do you mean?” demanded Varna struggling weakly against Kalidor’s greater strength, “why wouldn’t she come?”

“She um,” an idea flashed into Kalidor’s mind, “she’s taken a vow of silence unt entered holy orders…she’s given up der idea of being unt great svords voman.”

Which was all true, but not in the way that Varna thought.

“Oh no!” sobbed the injured warrior, she dashed away her tears, “Then it is up to the two of us to hunt down Gedren and destroy her?”

“VAS!” screamed Kalidor in a panic, “Just der zwie of us? Vouldn’t it be better to raise der army unt…”

“No time,” gasped Varna weakly, “if we don’t move against her soon she will be too powerful to fight.”

Kalidor thought that she was already too powerful to fight.

“Tomorrow,” whispered Varna her eyelids growing heavy, “come what may we must ride on to Brytag’s toll road and onto Gedren’s kingdom…”

“Oh, Muttie!” whimpered Kalidor quietly.

0=0=0=0


	40. Chapter 40

6.

**Queen Gedren’s Palace, Hayasa.**

Standing on the balcony of her palace, Queen Gedren smiled as she looked down at the refugee camp she’d had set up in the palace gardens. She watched as her agents moved through the camp distributing food and spreading the (more or less true) story of how Prince Tarn was responsible for all his people’s present woes. They reassured the one time citizens of Kablach that the Great Queen held no ill will towards them. If they would just swear allegiance to her there would be money to help them start new lives in the Hayasian Empire.

The people of Kablach had been rounded up by her soldiers and brought here after they had wisely fled their doomed city…doomed by Tarn’s arrogance and stupidity. After all, she had offered him reasonable terms; all he had to do was swear an oath of fealty to her and he could continue ruling over his city. The only difference would be that her troops would garrison the citadel and he would answer to her if he continued to oppress his people. But no, he was too proud and foolish to accept her more than generous terms. Now Kablach was a smouldering ruin that glowed eerily in the dark and cities people where now homeless and helpless.

Fool! Gedren snorted laughter at the young boy’s folly, pride didn’t fill your exchequer; dead people didn’t pay taxes or fight in your armies. Tarn was just the same as all the other petty princes who had spurned her when she’d been a princess. Bitterly she remembered the balls her mother had sent her to; she remembered waiting by the wall…always the wall-flower, wondering why no one would dance with her, start up a romance with her. Just someone somewhere, someone who’d dare take a chance with her.

Of course no one ever did, she’d stand there against the wall in her frontless dress. Gedren had been a late developer and she’d felt so embarrassed standing there alone. Now that she had a truly majestic bosom, that fashion had gone out of favour, it was typical of the way fate had treated her. No one had ever came over and asked for the pleasure of the next dance…now they would all pay! When she was truly the ‘Great Queen’, they would all scurry over and offer to dance with her; how she would cut them dead!

“Maw-ha-ha!” the Queen’s hand flew to her mouth to stifle the diabolical laughter that threatened to burst forth from her well developed chest; no she thought, save the diabolical laughter until you are secure on your new throne, she told herself.

“Great Queen?”

“Ah!” Queen Gedren turned, “Ikol,” she smiled warmly at her chancellor, “What have you found out about this, Faith the Buff Barbarian and Dawn the Perky Parthenian Dancer whom our new found ally wants dead so badly?”

The sneaky, slimy, conniving, underhand bastard, also known as Ikol; might hold the position of ‘Queen’s Chancellor’ but he actually ran the Queen’s intelligence gathering service, the Hayasian Imperial Secret Service. Ikol produced some papers, after shuffling through them for a moment he handed his queen the two top sheets. Each held an artists impression of the subjects named across the top of the sheet plus information about each subject. The Queen looked at the pictures of the two attractive young women and smiled appreciatively.

“Very attractive,” she smiled again before glancing up at Ikol and demanding, “well?”

“Your, majesty,” Ikol nodded towards the papers in the Queen’s hands, “as you can see,” if you bothered to read, he thought but didn’t say, “this Faith and her side-kick Dawn appeared on the scene about two years ago. At first they contented themselves with a little light robbery,” Ikol searched through his papers for the police reports, they were written in some kind of cruciform writing which he couldn’t read so he relied on his memory.

“The girl, Dawn,” he continued, “would perform some sort of exotic dance, then she would entice a wealthy mark to her chambers for a ‘private performance’. Upon entering the girl’s chamber her partner would render the mark unconscious and they would rob him and leave town.”

“Women of great resource then?” the queen raised an eyebrow in Ikol’s direction.

“Indeed, Great Queen,” Ikol searched through his papers once more, “it was after one particular robbery that they were employed by Queen Taramis to escort her niece, Princess Jehnna on some journey.”

“Ha!” the queen laughed scornfully, she remembered Queen Taramis (of course she was only a princess then), she’d never had a problem getting anyone to dance with her…the little slut!

“It was in the course of this mission,” Ikol explained, “that the Faith woman killed Toth Amon and the girl, Dawn, stole the Heart of Araman.”

“Oh!” Queen Gedren clapped her hands with delight, “I like these two more and more every minute.”

“Indeed, your great scrumptiousness,” Ikol eyed the queen wearily for a moment before continuing. “After killing Queen Taramis and setting Queen Jehnna on the throne, who, I might add treated her benefactors rather shabbily in my opinion…”

“Indeed,” agreed the queen, “ungrateful little bitch by the sounds of it.”

“…they continued for a time dancing and fighting their way to the port of Haafi.” Ikol quickly read a police report from Haafi, it wasn’t relevant so he didn’t tell the queen, but he always found what the two women had done to the priest amusing. “Here, they were employed by the mayor of that port to retrieve his daughter from a religious cult run by one Thulsa Doom.”

“You mean?” gasped the Queen, Doom had planned to wipe out the ruling families of the civilised world so he could take over.

“Yes, your cute-ness,” fawned Ikol, “they were the ones responsible for Doom’s doom. Also during the course of that mission the girl, Dawn, killed Thrud the Barbarian, they fought and won a war between two city states and got the mayor’s daughter back while at the same time eliminating Doom’s organisation as a threat to the stability of the world!”

“By the gods, Ikol!” exclaimed the queen, “we must subvert these women to my cause…” the queen paused for a moment, she glanced at Ikol her eyes flashing with ill concealed desire. “I wonder, these women, what do we know of their personal lives? I mean is their relationship purely sororal or is it sapphistical?”

“Purely sororal, your majestic wonderfulness,” Ikol sighed sadly he didn’t like disappointing his queen…it could be so, unhealthy. “In fact, the woman, Faith, had a short but torrid affair with Conan the Barbarian shortly before he died…”

“And the dancing girl?” the queen asked hopefully.

“I’m sorry, your great beneficence,” Ikol shook his head, “but she had an affair with an eastern warrior of no great note called Subotia.”

“Oh well,” sighed the queen it couldn’t be helped, “now, what is the opinion on the best way to kill Toth Amon,” the queen paused for a moment, “should it become necessary?”

“Ah,” Ikol folded away his papers, “opinion on that is divided, your…your…absolute…umm…”

“Stop the flattery,” snapped the queen, “and get on with it.”

“Of course Great Queen,” Ikol bowed low, “some of your advisers on things undead assert that you will need to cast dark and powerful spells to ensure the downfall of the great wizard. On the other hand, others say you should simply cut off his head while he’s not looking!” Ikol shrugged, “You pays your money and make your choice.”

“Hmm,” the Queen rubbed her chin with a thumb and forefinger, “we’ll go with the simplest method, less to go wrong. Have some of the Guard trained in unexpected decapitation…and the Davy Crocketts?”

“Locked away in a deep dungeon and guarded by those temple girls you let him have.” Ikol pointed out with just a hint of disapproval.

“We need to learn how to work those things ourselves,” observed the queen, “we’ll need to subvert one of his ‘girls’.”

“I’ve already tried, Great Queen,” Ikol shrugged his shoulders helplessly, “the wizard appears to have them under some thrall spell, they are incorruptible.”

“Unlike their master,” chuckled the queen, “I wonder why he doesn’t just rot?”

“He does, your majesty,” sighed Ikol, “but he keeps renewing himself with magic.”

“AH!” exclaimed the queen seeing another way to destroy the wizard, “See if you can find something that will negate his magic…now go!”

“Of course, Great Queen,” Ikol bowed low as he backed away from the queen (there was no way he was going to turn his back on her while he was still in throwing range), “The barbarian women, your greatness?”

“Have them watched, ordered the queen, “but do not harm them…now on your way out send my handmaiden to me, I have need of a quick wick trimming!”

“By your command, Great Queen!” Judging that he was at a safe distance from his monarch, Ikol stood up, turned and swept from the room.

0=0=0=0

**Brytag’s Toll Gate.**

It was almost dark by the time Faith and Dawn found their way to Brytag’s toll road. The road was cut through a narrow mountain pass and reduced the journey time by several days for those travelling from Kablach to Hayasa. The toll gate itself was in an old defensive wall built many years before when Kablach controlled the area. Although the walls were old and in many places starting to crumble they were still a formidable barrier as was the gate that barred their way. Looking up at the great wooden gate, Faith reached out to test just how sturdy it was while Dawn bent down from her horse to examine the huge lock that secured the portal.

“Take too long to knock it down,” observed Faith.

“Yeah,” agreed Dawn, “if, like, I had a crow bar or something, I could, totally, pick this lock.”

“Okay,” sighed Faith, “let’s see what this Brytag asshole wants so we can move on.”

Faith opened her mouth to shout only to cut off before she could utter a word.

“Hey!” Dawn cried, “Why can’t I like, do it for a change?”

“What?” Faith frowned at her friend.

“Yeah,” Dawn’s eyes pleaded with Faith, “I can, totally, do the wise ass comments with this guy. I mean, like, how hard can it be?”

“Hey,” Faith shrugged, why not? Maybe the girl was right; it didn’t always have to end in a fight. “Go ahead,” Faith gestured for Dawn to take the lead, “knock y’self out.”

“Cool!” Dawn ginned so much it hurt.

0=0=0=0

“Brytag!” called Dawn her voice echoing off the ruins of the old fort that stood near the wall. “Brytag! Get your ass down here and like, open the gate, much!”

“Not so fast, red hair,” a voice echoed from within the ruins, “come up here so I can get a better look at you.”

“Like, what now?” Dawn asked Faith quietly.

“Don’t ask me,” Faith grinned back unhelpfully, “you’re in charge.”

“Yeah,” Dawn nodded her head firmly, “right, follow me.”

Putting her heels to her horse’s flanks, Dawn urged the animal forward up a long wide flight of steps. The horses easily gained the top of the steps and the riders turned to ride their mounts through the ruins. The place had once been a magnificent building, but now it lay roofless and stripped of its past glories. Standing in the shadows cast by camp fires stood Brytag’s warriors. They watched the two women approach with lust filled eyes as they adjusted their uncomfortable and impractically designed armour. Eventually our heroes came to what had once been a great hall, they brought their horses to a halt in front of a dais covered in cushions and animal skins. Something stirred within as a great bear-like man in highly polished chainmail sat up to look at his two visitors; a great bronze key hung around his neck by a heavy chain, this was Brytag!

“What have we got here?” rumbled Brytag as he looked closely at the two women, “Hannah the Henna Haired Harridan and her side-kick?”

Faith bristled at being referred to as the ‘side-kick’, she’d worked hard at her barbarian reputation and it hurt to realise that she wasn’t immediately recognisable.

“No,” squeaked Dawn, her voice cracking a little from nervousness; she was beginning to think that maybe she should have let Faith do the talking. “Like, I’m Red Dawn and this is my, totally, best-ist bud, Faith the Buff Barbarian!”

“Best-ist bud?” Faith spoke quietly as she shook her head in despair.

“Move it, like, I’ve no time to waste, much!” Dawn continued regaining her confidence.

“Come here wench,” chuckled Brytag as he idly drew his sword.

“Like, why should I?” Dawn reached over and loosened her own sword in its scabbard.

Faith, seeing exactly where this was going reached across herself and laid her hand on her the hilt of her sword.

“For I am Brytag,” announced Brytag, “this is my land, and all that pass through must pay me tribute.”

“Like, how much?” Dawn placed her free hand on her purse.

“Who mentioned money?” Brytag’s men sniggered at their master’s words, “Tribute I said,” Brytag toyed with his key, “the tender kind all women pay to Brytag.”

“EWWWW!” squealed Dawn as she fiddled with another pouch on her belt, “Like, gross, much!”

“You or your friend,” Brytag gestured towards Faith, “I’m not bothered either way,” Brytag laughed nastily, “but I think you should know; that while one of you are paying tribute to me the other must satisfy my men!”

“Asshole!” Faith’s sword was in her hand in an instant.

“FREAKING PERVERT MUCH!” Screamed Dawn as she threw something glittering and glass-like towards Brytag.

The great bear-like warrior snatched the jewel out of the air; there was a bang, a flash and all that was left of Brytag was a pair of smoking boots, his key and the Heart of Araman lying close together in the sand. Dawn leaped from her horse as Brytag’s warriors stood in stunned silence, she ran towards where the key lay and snatched it up along with the Heart. Unfortunately she didn’t have time to get back to horse before the warriors regained their wits and charged.

0=0=0=0

Laying about herself with her sword, Faith urged her horse forward to where Dawn struggled with two of Brytag’s men. Faith’s sword rose and fell shattering the cheap bronze blades raised against her. She cleaved men’s heads in twain and lopped off arms and hands as her horse bit and kicked its way through to where Dawn fought desperately to keep hold of both the key and her life.

Not having slayer strength, Dawn had to rely on her skill and nimbleness, she whirled like a really dangerous whirling thing and cut down her first two opponents easily. Her keen edged sword cut through their leather armour with ease. Shouting in triumph she took a moment to stuff the key down the front of her fur trimmed panties; she shivered at the coldness of the metal against her skin. Her sword firmly in her right hand and the Heart of Araman in her left, Dawn started to cut her way back towards Faith.

Ramming her sword into the mouth of a man on her right, Faith smashed every bone in the face of the man who tried to come at her from the left with her foot. She felt his bones shatter through the sole of her boot and she made a mental note to have her boots resoled when next they came across a cobbler. It was at this point that she realised that things weren’t quite as bad as they at first had seemed. The warriors were dancing around a lot making it look as if they were doing something but mainly they only came at herself and Dawn in ones or twos. This was very helpful of them as it made it easier for her to kill them. Faith sighed with relief; if the assholes got it together and swarmed her, even she, the slayer, would have trouble fighting them off.

“HERE!” she yelled to Dawn as she neatly took the head off a man who’d plucked up the courage to attack her.

Turning at the shout, Dawn ran her sword through the belly of one man, ducked under the wild swing of another and touched him on the leg with the Heart. Again there was a bang, a flash and another pair of empty, smouldering boots. Taking the opportunity of being free of enemies for a moment, Dawn ran over to Faith and jumped up onto the horse behind her. Yelling their victory they rode from the fight knocking down several warriors as they went. As soon as they were clear of the main chamber, Dawn jumped down and ran over to where her own horse stood and waited for her. Once they were both mounted they galloped towards the gate. It was only then that they noticed two riders standing by the gate waiting for someone to open up.

“BY THE GODS!” cried Faith as she urged her horse on towards the riders, her sword ready to strike as soon as she got near.

Eyes wide with amazement, Faith frantically reigned in her horse, she and it came to a halt in a cloud of dust. 

“WHAT’S WRONG!” Dawn asked as she raced up beside Faith.

Staring at the two mounted warriors by the gate, Faith was momentarily lost for words.

“CONAN!” she cried eventually.

0=0=0=0


	41. Chapter 41

7.

**A Forest near Brytag’s Toll Gate.**

The fire light flickered as Faith and Dawn studied Kalidor closely. Reaching out Dawn poked the man’s cheek as if to check that he was real; her action wrung a startled 'OH!' from Kalidor’s lips.

“Its way weird,” Dawn ignored the man’s anxious cry, “like, there’s even that little scar on his cheek from here you punched him that time!”

Eyes growing rounder by the moment, Kalidor tried to edge away from the two insane barbarian women who thought he was someone called ‘Conan’.

“Look,” sighed Faith in exasperation, “he can’t be Conan, we saw him die, we burnt his body.”

“Totally true,” nodded Dawn, “like, unless he’s totally…”

“You don’t mean!?” gasped Faith.

“He could be, like a totally identical twin!” Dawn turned wide eyed to look at Faith, “like separated at birth.”

“Nah,” Faith shook her head, “that only happens in fairy tales or badly written fantasy novels when the author can’t think of a good reason to have two characters who look exactly the same.”

“Oh,” Dawn said slightly disappointed, identical twins would have been cool; she looked at Faith closely, “I didn’t know you read fantasy novels.”

“Didn’t say I did!” Faith back peddled frantically trying to save her hard woman image. “What the hell,” she sighed, “I used to read ‘em waiting for the vamps to dig ‘emselves outta the grave.”

“Oh,” Dawn nodded just before she had another idea, “Like he could totally be a robot!” 

“What?” Faith shook her head, “You mean living flesh over a metal combat chassis or something?”

“Yeah,” Dawn scratched her head, “but when you, like put it like that it totally doesn’t sound, like, plausible.”

“There’s only one way to settle this,” Faith reached behind her back and unlaced her bra.

“FAITH!?” Dawn shrieked as Faith discarded her bra and kicked off her boots.

“Okay, Kalidor…Conan, whatever,” standing up Faith started to wriggle out of her panties, “get your pants off!”

“Fräulein!” Kalidor jumped to his feet, “For der last time, I-am-not this ‘Conan’ person of whom you speak. I am, Kalidor, Lord of the High Steppe and a happily married man!”

Faith stood naked in the fire light.

“I guess that settles it,” Faith sighed sadly as she retrieved her panties, “he’s not Conan.”

“L-like, what makes you so, like, sure?” Dawn sighed with relief as Faith started to get dressed again.

“Come on, Dawnie,” sadly Faith got back into her bra, “do you really think Conan could’ve resisted an offer of sex?”

“Totally, no-way,” agreed Dawn.

“Okay, Kalidor,” Faith, more or less dressed again, sat down by the fire, “what’s your story?”

Kalidor took five minutes to outline his and Varna’s place in the plot up until this point.

“So,” Dawn nodded at the end of Kalidor’s story, “what does a Lord of the High Steppe actually, like, do?”

“Oh der usual,” Kalidor sighed sadly, “I ride around leading der varriors of der tribe,” he took a delicate sip from the goblet of wine in his hand. “Ve raid der caravans, unt ve attack der towns unt cities unt fight vith der neighbouring tribes…its all very boring.”

“Boring?” Faith asked incredulously, it sounded like fun to her.

“Ja,” agreed Kalidor, “it’s no vay to run der economy.”

“Yeah,” Dawn agreed without a hint of sarcasm, “I totally see that.”

“Unt I’m not even that good at it,” admitted Kalidor staring into his wine, “the fermented mare’s milk gives me der vind unt I hate der fighting.”

By now even Faith was feeling sorry for the big loser.

“I…” Kalidor hesitated and looked up under his brows at the two barbarian women, “I never vanted to do this for a living…”

Faith glanced at Dawn, a worried frown on her face; if this guy said he wanted to be a transvestite lumberjack she’d run him through on the spot.

“I,” continued Kalidor as Faith’s hand slowly reached for her sword, “I always vanted to be…to be…der gynaecologist!”

“A GYNAECOLOGIST!?!?” screamed Faith and Dawn in perfect harmony.

“U-huh,” Kalidor nodded his head confused by the women’s reaction.

“Freaking pervert!” spat Dawn.

“Weirdo!” agreed Faith.

“But…?” Kalidor gave up and shook his head sadly, maybe gynaecologist meant something different where they came from.

0=0=0=0

**The Forest the following morning.**

Kneeling next to Varna, Dawn took her pulse and felt her forehead; it was obvious to her that the woman had a fever.

“How is she?” asked Faith.

“She shouldn’t ride,” Dawn helped the woman take a sip of wine, “she’d be no good in a fight. Kalidor there,” she nodded in the direction of the big man as he packed everyone’s gear onto the horses, “he did a good job sewing up the wound, but she has a fever. She shouldn’t go on.”

“But I must,” croaked the woman.

“Look,” Faith knelt do next to Dawn, “you’re sick, you’ve…”

“I have to stop Gedren,” Varna cried weakly, “I have to destroy the talisman.”

Both, Dawn and Faith had been relieved to find out that they were facing a mad woman with a magic talisman thingy; not a mad woman with nuclear bombs. All things being equal, magic talisman thingies were easier to deal with.

“Look,” Faith frowned and placed her hand on Varna’s shoulder, “you’re in no condition to chase after a mouse let alone a mad queen.”

“But it’s my duty!” gasped Varna.

“Duty, snooty,” pointed out Dawn, “like, we’re here now.”

“It’s what we do,” Faith pointed out simply.

“That and the larceny,” agreed Dawn.

“You can leave it to us,” Faith said comfortingly.

Feeling the tears well up in her eyes, Varna started to sob quietly, she had failed in her duty to protect the talisman. She had failed to get it back, how could she trust these two barbarian’s to complete her task for her?

“Who are you?” whispered Varna.

“She’s, Faith the Buff Barbarian,” grinned Dawn, “and I’m Red Dawn.”

“Faith the Buff Barbarian!?” gasped Varna, “Bloody hell why didn’t you say earlier?” she wiped the tears from her eyes, “There was I getting all upset and beating myself up for being a failure when, Faith the Buff Barbarian…”

“And Red Dawn,” Dawn reminded the woman.

“Whatever,” acknowledged Varna, “is on the case.”

“Yeah, right,” Faith was a little overwhelmed at Varna’s vote of confidence in her, she turned to speak to Dawn. “Look, it looks like we’ll be leaving Varna behind, we can’t just leave her in the forest, why don’t…

“I know totally what you’re going to say!” Dawn grinned at her friend.

“You do?” frowned Faith.

“Yeah! It’s obvious!” Dawn clapped her hands together, “We tie her on her horse and send her back to Yafa!”

“Yafa?” Faith frowned, this hadn’t been what she was about to say, however…

“Yeah,” Dawn continued excitedly, “It totally kills two birds with, like one stone.” Reading Faith’s puzzled expression Dawn carried on, “Varna gets someone to nurse her back to health and Yafa gets someone to talk to.”

“Oh, yeah,” Faith nodded her head, “that’s totally what I meant.”

0=0=0=0

**The same forest a little later in the morning.**

By mid morning the little party of, Faith, Dawn and Kalidor were deep in the forest. All things considered it was a nice forest; widely spaced trees and little undergrowth to hide monsters or bandits. It was, thought Dawn letting her mind drift, almost a fairy tail forest; she half expected to see vertically challenged jewel miners marching home to their quaint little cottage. 

Riding between one town and another was, to put it mildly, boring. Ravening monsters and vicious gangs of robbers, contrary to popular belief, weren’t that common. In fact days could pass between sightings of these particular highway hazards. To counter the boredom that inevitably struck about five minutes into any journey, Dawn liked to make up songs, her ‘Buff Barbarian’ song being the most popular so far. However, the universe is a cruel, cold, hard place and it is sad to say that for someone with such an active imagination and quick wit as Dawn; she had not been blessed with the best of singing voices. Some of her rhymes left something to be desired too; which wasn’t surprising since she’d been heavily influenced by Spike, possibly the worst poet since McGonagall.

Throughout these assaults on the English language, Faith would stoically ride beside Dawn and try to save the world from her companion’s worse excesses by making, what she thought where, helpful comments; it was no more than her duty as a music critic and slayer.

_“When I was on horse back wasn’t I pretty?” _Dawn sang,_ “When I was on horse back wasn’t I gay?”_

“Hey,” observed Faith, “you sure ya wanna go with the ‘gay’ thing there?”

“I was like, using ‘gay’ in the merry and carefree meaning,” Dawn replied hardly missing a beat.

_“Wasn’t I pretty when I entered Kablach city,”_

“Not no more ya won’t,” Faith leaned forward and tried to ease her saddle-sore butt, “Kablach’s a smouldering ruin remember?”

“Yeah, like I know,” Dawn frowned at her friend, “I’ll totally change it later, okay?”

_“And met with my down fall on the fourteenth of May.”_

“Why the fourteenth of May?” Faith wanted to know.

“I don’t freaking know!” Dawn was starting to get annoyed at Faith’s continued interruptions, “Look, it could have totally been the 31st of July or something, like it just sounded right, okay?”

Faith shrugged her shoulders non-committally.

_I can see by your outfit that you’re a Barbarian.  
These words she did say as I boldly walked by.  
Come an' sit down beside me an' hear my sad story.  
I'm stabbed in the boob an' I know I must die._

“Ouch!” Faith absently rubbed at her own breast in sympathy with the stabbed barbarian in the song.

Dawn however just gave her friend a glare that said; if you don’t shut-up you’ll get stabbed in the boob too! However any murderous intent was brought to a halt by Faith holding up her hand and bringing the party to a stop, she jumped from her horse to listen.

“What’s up?” asked Dawn as she silently came to stand beside Faith.

“Listen,” Faith turned her head to hear better, “someone’s being robbed, we better help.”

“So we can get, like a share of the loot?” Dawn asked hopefully before adding, “Cool!”

“No!” Faith snapped at her friend, “So we can rescue whoever’s being robbed, we’re the good guys remember?”

“That’s, like, cool too,” Dawn replied unabashed, “maybe there’s a reward!”

“Whatever,” sighed Faith; she turned to pass her reigns to Kalidor, “You stay here and look after the horses.”

“Nien problemo,” Kalidor agreed eagerly.

Drawing their swords, Faith and Dawn crawled off into the trees and towards the sounds of robbery with violence that they knew so well.

0=0=0=0

Lying in the cover of a bush, Faith and Dawn looked down into the shallow valley that cut through this part of the forest. It was more of a leafy glade than a valley, but the half dozen bandits were certainly real enough. They’d caught someone and were presently torturing them to, no doubt, find the location of their victim’s stash. They’d tied their captive’s feet to a sturdy tree and his arms to a couple of horses and were in the process of stretching their prisoner to make him talk.

“Prince Tarn!” whispered Dawn.

“Yeah,” agreed Faith not moving.

“Aren’t we supposed to go in there and rescue him?” Dawn asked, not exactly showing much enthusiasm for the idea.

“What’s the rush?” Faith asked to the accompaniment of the boy’s screams, “People are always telling me I do everything in a rush. Let’s just lie here for a minute or two and think this through, okay?”

“Okay,” agreed Dawn with a nod of her head.

0=0=0=0

“The gold boy,” the chief robber stood next to Tarn’s head as the boy hung between the tree and the horses, “where’s the gold?”

“There is no gold villain!” cried Tarn as the horses stretched him a fraction of an inch taller.

“AAAAAAGH!” cried Tarn as the robber chief signalled for his men to stretch the boy just a little more. “I tell you I have no gold!”

“You have fine clothes, boy,” the robber chief pointed out reasonably, “almost as resplendent as mine, eh?”

The robber chief; like his men, were dressed in a miss matched mixture of clothing all of good quality, chosen, or so it seemed, mainly for the brightness of their colours.

“You expect me to believe you’re penniless?” the robber chief was starting to sound angry.

“I’ll have you know, villain,” Tarn swung between the tree and the horses, “I am Prince Tarn of Kablach! My subjects will see you punished for this…!”

“Ha!” laughed the robber chief, “Your subjects?,” he laughed nastily, “Your subjects couldn’t give a damn about you, your right royal pain in the arse!” Again the chieftain laughed, “last I heard they’d all sworn fealty to Great Queen Gedren, gods bless her!”

0=0=0=0

“Shouldn’t we, like, y’know…” Dawn gestured to the torture session in the glade.

“Yeah,” sighed Faith as she climbed slowly to her feet, “I suppose. You get the boy I’ll get the bandits.”

“Hey,” complained Dawn, “like, you totally get all the fun. Like, why don’t you get the boy? How’s ‘Red Dawn’ supposed to get a totally wicked rep if she’s always, freeing the prisoners?”

“Okay,” Faith relented, “I don’t suppose it’ll do him any harm to be stretched another inch or two. What say we go half and half, eh?”

“Cool,” agreed Dawn.

Screaming like a couple of banshees the two women fell upon the unsuspecting bandits and started to dispatch them in various gristly ways. The robbers weren’t much of a challenge to two such expert swords women. Plus they had made the mistake of thinking, ‘Hey, they’re only women, how dangerous can they be?’. By the time they’d found out, it was too late.

Looking up from where her last victim writhed in his death agonies amongst the forest litter at her feet; Dawn noticed Faith in combat with the robber chief. Faith must have been bored because she hadn’t killed him yet and was toying with him. Looking around at the sound of running footsteps, Dawn saw the last of her three bandits running away between the trees. Realising she’d never catch the robber, she stuck her sword in the soft forest soil and pulled her sling and a lead shot from the bag on her hip. Placing the chicken egg sized lead shot in the pocket of her sling, Dawn whirled it around her head. Once, twice then on the third swing she loosed the shot at her target.

The shot flew through the air like a silver streak straight towards its target. There was a loud *CRACK!* as the shot hit the man on the back of his head shattering his skull and burying itself in his brain. The robber staggered on for a pace or two until he ran into a tree and fell dead on the forest floor. Looking behind herself as she put away her sling, Dawn saw that Faith had finished playing with the robber chief and had finally killed him; she was now releasing the slightly taller Prince Tarn from his bonds. Smiling, Dawn picked up her blade and wiped it clean of blood and earth before returning it to its scabbard. Then pulling a knife she got down to the serious business of searching the bandits for any coins they might have hidden away.

0=0=0=0

**Near the Ruins of the Once Great City of Noddegamra.**

“What a pointless waste,” sighed Queen Gedren as she watched the fires consume the once great city.

Sadly she shook her head, fools she thought, all they’d had to do was swear an oath of loyalty to her, accept a few minor changes to their tax laws and supply a couple of units of troops to her army. Was that too much to ask? The Queen felt her handmaiden put a supportive hand on her shoulder, she smiled at the girl in thanks; she really ought to find out what the girl’s name was, she couldn’t keep going around referring to her as ‘handmaiden’; she’d get Ikol to look into it for her.

“Have you found those two barbarian bitches yet?” Toth Amon demanded.

“Not yet,” frowned the queen; the zombie wizard was getting really tiresome about the two female warriors, “we’re still looking.”

Watching as the wizard’s mind controlled female guards loaded the Davy Crockett launcher back into its wagon, the queen bristled. To be honest she’d rather have this Faith Barbarian woman and her sidekick Dawn, working for her. Also, what the wizard had done to the ex-temple guards went against all her ideals of women’s rights and self determination. No, as soon as Ikol found a way of breaking Toth Amon’s spells she would have the slowly rotting wizard killed and this time she’d make sure he didn’t come back. The queen doubted that she’d need his weapons any more. After the example of Noddegamra surely no one would be foolish enough to stand against her. Couldn’t they see that what she was doing would benefit everyone?

“Come,” she ordered turning her horse towards her palace, “let’s go home…Ikol?”

“Yes, Great Queen?” Ikol slithered over to stand next to his queen.

“See to it that the relief operation is in place before you leave,” ordered the queen, “We must do what we can for the survivors.”

“Indeed. Your majesty,” smarmed Ikol, “All will be as you have ordered.”

“And it jolly well better be,” rejoined the queen, she pulled her horse closer to Ikol and whispered, “That other matter I spoke to you about?” Ikol nodded his head imperceptibly, “I think its time, don’t you?”

“Indeed, Great Queen,” Ikol bowed low as his queen rode off towards her palace.

0=0=0=0

If you’re interested, here’s Dawn’s song in its entirety.

Sung to the tune, ‘Streets of Laredo’.

When I was on horse back wasn’t I pretty?  
When I was on horse back wasn’t I gay?  
Wasn’t I pretty when I entered Kablach city,  
And met with my down fall on the fourteenth of May.

I can see by your outfit that you’re a Barbarian.  
These words she did say as I boldly walked by.  
Come an' sit down beside me an' hear my sad story.  
I'm stabbed in the boob an' I know I must die

It was once in the saddle, I used to go raiding.  
Once in the saddle, I used to go gay.  
First to the wine-shop and then to the brothel,  
But I'm stabbed in the boob and I'm dying today.

Get six jolly barbarians to carry my coffin,  
Six jolly harlots to walk by my side.  
Throw bunches of roses all over my coffin,  
To cover the smell of the body inside.

Then go send a message to my grey-haired mother,  
An' tell her the Barbarian that she loved has gone.  
But please not one word of the bitch who stabbed me,  
Don't mention her name and her name will pass on.

When thus she had spoken the hot sun was setting,  
The streets of Kablach grew cold as the clay.  
We took the Barbarian down to the necropolis,  
And there stands her marker we made to this day.


	42. Chapter 42

8.

**The Forest.**

Hearing what sounded like a small elephant crashing through the trees, Faith turned bringing her sword up ready to attack. Falkon appeared in the clearing, he was biting into the drumstick of some wild fowl that he'd obviously caught and cooked.

“Falkon!” Faith cried, the man looked at her with a puzzled frown on his face, “Why did you leave him alone?” she pointed over to where Dawn was helping Prince Tarn to his feet.

“Huh?” grunted Falkon between mouthfuls of meat.

It wasn’t that Faith really cared what happened to Tarn, but, he was only a child and memories of her own youth kept coming back to haunt her; being left in the care of so-called ‘responsible adults’ had helped make her what she had later become.

“I went hunting,” replied Falkon innocently, “we needed food.”

“So why didn’t you take him with ya?” Faith slid her sword back into its scabbard.

“Oh that,” Falkon discarded the remains of his meal over his left shoulder, “the brat ‘doesn’t care for hunting’,” the man mimicked the boy’s manner, “so I left him here.”

“You’ve changed ya tune,” observed Faith, “not so long ago it was all, yes sir, no sir.”

“Yes,” sighed Falkon as he hitched up his belt, “what you said made me think…and I thought, ‘fuck him’! Not literally of course, but fuck him and his tantrums and his whining and his demanding the world on a platter.” Falkon smiled, “Now I do only what I want…I wouldn’t abandon the brat but things have changed.”

There was a scream followed by the sound of a resounding slap from the other side of the clearing. Turning, Faith saw Dawn heading towards her with a face like thunder as she readjusted the bra of her fur bikini. The Prince was picking himself up off the ground as he rubbed a bright red palm print on his cheek.

“Ouch!” chuckled Faith, “That musta hurt,” Dawn was a strong girl and she could hit real hard when she wanted to, “What…?” Faith was interrupted by Dawn before she could finish her question.

“That little shit!” snarled Dawn.

Faith could tell Dawn was really annoyed because she’d said three words, none of which were, ‘like’, ‘totally’ or ‘so’.

“I was just helping him up,” with a final tug, Dawn pulled her bra straight, “I was even being nice, no snarky remarks or anything; then the little, freaking bastard tried to, totally, grope my boob!”

“Yeah,” agreed Faith noting by the inclusion of a ‘totally’ that Dawn’s temper was beginning to subside, “I can see how that would get ya pissed at him,” she turned back to Falkon, “Deal with him,” she pointed at the boy. “Okay,” Faith put a sisterly arm around Dawn’s shoulder, “I thought you’d realised by now, all men are assholes. Twelve year old boys used to no one saying ‘no’ to them are ‘real’ assholes!”

0=0=0=0

“My Prince!” Falkon hurried over to the boy as he struggled back to his feet.

“You stupid oaf!” shrieked Tarn, “Why did you leave me here to be…AGH!”

Falkon cuffed the boy on the side of the head.

“Shut up, you annoying, ungrateful speck of dust!” Falkon threw some wild root vegetables at the boy’s feet, “There’s your supper.”

“I can’t eat that you…Agh!”

Again Falkon cuffed the boy again before turning his back on his one time prince and went to tend to the horses.

0=0=0=0

**Queen Gedren’s Palace.**

The room the queen was standing in was at one time going to be the ‘Chamber of Light’ where she'd planned to keep the talisman. The room was lined with rank upon rank of shelves built to hold candles that would have recharged the talisman after every use. Now it just held enough candles so the queen and Ikol could see each other.

“Great Queen,” Ikol looked around nervously, “are you sure the wizard can’t overhear us here?”

“Have no fear, Chancellor,” the queen smiled reassuringly, “this room is shielded against magic. If Toth Amon is watching us he’ll see nothing but me and my handmaiden trimming wicks together and if he bothers to look for you he’ll see you ‘questioning’ a prisoner in the persuasion room.”

“Good, your majesty,” Ikol sighed with relief, “I have no wish to be made into one of the wizard’s mindless slaves.”

“Indeed,” nodded the Queen, “now, on to business, have you done what I asked?”

“I have, oh Great and Merciful Queen,” Ikol bowed low, “you’re handmaiden’s name is…”

“Not that you fool!” snapped the queen, “The other thing…”

Ikol looked blankly at her for a moment.

“You know,” whispered the queen, “the other…you know?”

She gestured towards the dungeons where Toth Amon 'lived'.

“The other?” Ikol scratched his head, “Oh! The other…sorry oh Great One, clean slipped my mind…”

“Make sure it doesn’t happen again,” warned the queen.

“Of course, oh Great, Wise and totally beyond description in the beauty stakes, Queen,” Ikol noted the expression on the queen’s face and got on with his report. “All is as you have ordered, Great Queen. The men have been trained, the wizards have cast their spells and just to be on the safe side there are fast horses saddled and waiting for you in the stables.” Ikol paused to take a breath, “But, oh Great and truly Magnificent One, you need to give the order in the next twenty-four hours!”

“YOUR MAJESTY!” the Queen’s court magician burst into the chamber, “Enemies approach the Empire!”

0=0=0=0

**Toth Amon’s Dungeon.**

In the darkness of his dungeon, Toth Amon shifted the position of his scrying bowl as he tried to get a better picture. The Queen and her handmaiden were just getting to the interesting…no make that the REALLY interesting bit of their wick trimming. The picture cleared on the surface of the quick silver and the wizard chuckled with delight. You had to give the Queen her due, she gave as good as she got and that handmaiden of her’s certainly had nimble fingers.

Just as Toth Amon was getting lost in the action on the screen he cried out in disappointment; the Queen and her handmaiden looked up from their work as someone burst into the queen’s chamber, shortly after that the picture went blank. Toth Amon sighed sadly, oh well, he shook his head, better luck next time…and maybe next time he’d try for sound as well as picture.

0=0=0=0

**The Queen’s Audience Chamber.**

Smiling at her handmaiden as she approached her throne, Gedren mentally kicked herself. Damn-it! Ikol was going to tell her the girl’s name and she’d cut him off. Foolish, foolish queen, she admonished herself. The girl deserved more than just being called ‘Handmaiden’, she’d make it up to her later the queen promised herself.

“My dear,” the queen greeted her handmaiden with a kiss on the cheek as she gestured for the girl to sit down. 

“Why do you disturb the queen, Wizard?” Gedren turned to look at her court magician as she sat down on her throne.

“Oh, Great Queen look!” The wizard pointed over to where a great bronze mirror was being wheeled out from behind some curtains.

The wizard made some magical passes and smoke obscured the mirror for a moment; it cleared to show a picture of a scantily clad dancing girl gyrating provocatively in mid-air.

“Very nice,” commented the queen; this was just what the throne room needed, dancing girls! “Now I’m sure this isn’t all you intended to show me.”

“In-indeed n-not,” stammered the wizard making further magical passes and the picture changed and cleared once more to show a group of riders making their way through the forest.

“Prince Tarn and his ‘army’,” sneered Ikol.

“Indeed,” the Queen sat on the edge of her throne eyes glued to the vision before her, “so this is the Buff Barbarian and her Perky Parthenian side-kick?”

“Indeed, Great Queen,” Ikol looked closely at the picture, “and if I’m not mistaken there’s Lord Kalidor of the High Steppe. The fat man in red is Falkon, Prince Tarn’s chief body guard.”

“And all coming to see little old me!” the Queen smiled and contrived to look flattered, her face changed to a scowl in an instant. “No doubt that awful little brat, Tarn, has filled their heads with stories of how evil I am?”

“No doubt, Great Queen,” agreed Ikol sadly.

“No never!” cried the queen’s handmaiden, “How could anyone say such terrible things about your majesty?”

“Thank-you, my dear,” the Queen patted the girl’s hand, “but people don’t know me as well as you and prefer to listen to lies and wicked tales spread by the vertically challenged.”

“But,” the handmaiden looked adoringly up at her queen, “you’re the most gentlest, kindest, sweat natured monarch ever!”

“Oh, you’re too kind,” Queen Gedren bent down and kissed her handmaiden on her forehead, “and I’m sorry for making you touch that nasty green, glowy, orby, thing. I’ll make it up to you soon.”

“No need,” gushed the girl, “I live only to serve your desires!”

“Of course you do, my dear,” the Queen smiled at the girl but deep down she wondered; did the girl really love her or were mere words?

“Great Queen?” Ikol drew the queen’s attention back to the picture of the riders.

“Oh yes!” Gedren snapped out of her dark thoughts and studied the riders for a moment. “So, they’re coming to meet me are they?” the queen paused for a heartbeat. “Send a herald with a small escort of cavalry. Have him invite them for…tea! MAW-HA-HA!”

“Tea?” Ikol looked quizzically up at his monarch.

“Sorry,” the Queen fanned her face with her hand as she looked around, embarrassed at her outburst, “I don’t know what came over me.”

0=0=0=0

**Toth Amon’s Dungeon.**

“Invite them for tea, indeed?” sneered the dead wizard; he was rapidly losing faith in Queen Gedren’s desire to live up to her side of their bargain. “I’ll see about that,” he muttered darkly before turning to one of his slaves.

“You!” go to the Cave of Torment and activate the Killing Machine, one of his zombie-like slave girls turned and left the dungeon, “I have some spells to cast…MAW-HA-HA!”

Unlike the queen, the wizard didn’t feel the need to apologies for his maniacal laughter.

0=0=0=0

**A Grassy Meadow just this side of the Great Forest.**

The little group of riders approached the deep gorge slowly, they looked down into its depths to see smoke and steam rise from the chasm’s bottom.

“Wicked long way down,” observed Dawn.

“There,” Kalidor pointed, “a bridge…I think.”

Looking in the direction of the Steppe Lord’s pointing finger they saw that the bones of some great animal had been used to build what looked like a bridge across the chasm.

“Let’s go see,” Faith urged her horse into a canter; moments later the party stood looking uncertainly at the bridge.

“Do you think its safe,” Lord Kalidor asked nervously, he didn’t like heights.

“I’ll go check,” Faith jumped down from her horse and walked towards the bridge as thunder boomed in the distance.

“This is der old border of Hayasa,” observed Kalidor, “Queen Gedren…”

“Falkon!” Tarn cried out as he drew his sword with a flourish, “Proclaim my arrival!”

“Freaking, shut up!” Dawn whacked the boy across the back of his head so hard he nearly fell off his horse; rubbing his head the boy sheathed his sword.

Walking out onto the bridge, Faith bounced up and down a little; when the structure didn’t immediately collapse she decided it was safe, she turned and walked back to where Tarn and her friends waited.

“I think it’s okay,” called Faith, “we’ll lead the horses across.”

Taking up the reigns of her horse to lead it and the party across the gorge, Faith found herself pushed roughly to one side as Prince Tarn forced himself to the head of the group. Again the boy drew his sword and waved it about as if fighting some invisible foe.

“Now hear this Gedren!” squeaked the boy full of his own importance, “It is I, Prince Tarn who has come to avenge himself on the Tyrant of Hayasa!”

“That’s, like, totally it!” Dawn stepped forward and grabbed the boy by the scruff of the neck; she dragged the struggling youth over to the side of the bridge where she sat down and pulled the boy over her knee. “I am so totally going to teach you a lesson!” Dawn’s eyes were hard and her lips were set in a thin line; she raised her hand only to find Falkon had grabbed hold of it.

“If you’re going to beat him,” he said quietly, “make sure you do it properly and don’t hurt your hand. Here, use my riding crop!”

Several minutes later, Dawn stood up well pleased with her handiwork, Tarn, apart from a few quiet sobs, was a lot less noisy now as he walked slowly and carefully back to his horse.

“Like, shall we get on?” Dawn smiled as thunder boomed closer and closer, she cast a wary eye up at the dark clouds that had appeared above them, “looks like its going to rain, much!”

0=0=0=0

**A Cave just inside Hayasa.**

Thunder boomed, lightning flashed and rain fell in torrents from a sky that had turned as black as night.

“Fuck-it!” cursed Faith as she looked out into the storm, she turned to find Falkon standing beside her.

“It could be worse,” he noted, “we could be out in it instead of in this nice dry cave.”

“But we only have a few days before this talisman thing totally screws up the world,” Faith pointed out.

Turning away from the entrance Faith walked over to where Kalidor was cooking their midday meal. Frowning as she looked around the cave; Falkon was by the entrance, Dawn was sitting on a rock filling her nails and Kalidor was cooking; where was Tarn?

“Where’s the brat?” she asked.

“He vas cowering over in der corner there,” Kalidor pointed to a dark corner, “he vas hiding after Dawn had given him der fencing lesson.”

“Gods damn him!” Falkon wandered over to the fire, “I suppose I’ll have to go look for him now. I told him not to wander off, I won’t be but a moment.”

Picking up his riding crop and a burning brand from the fire, Falkon walked further into the cave.

0=0=0=0

The cave was more of a series of caverns than a single large cave and it took Falkon longer than he expected to find Tarn. He’d just grabbed the boy and was about to administer a thorough beating when Tarn cried out and pointed to something up on the cave wall.

“That could buy me an army, or even rebuild Kablach!” the boy pointed to a huge pearl set into the mouth of a stone demon built into the wall. “Dig it out, Falkon!”

As yet it still hadn’t dawned on Prince Tarn that he was no longer in a position to be giving people orders.

“Look, you horrid little brat,” sighed Falkon, “this pearl probably belongs to somebody.”

“It does!” whined the boy, “And he wants it NOW!”

Thinking for a moment, Falkon had to admit the obnoxious little worm might have a point. There were always expenses on journeys like these and anyway, if he didn’t take it Dawn probably would. Drawing a knife Falkon advanced on the pearl and started to work it free from its setting. After a minute or two’s work the pearl came loose and fell into his hand. He held it up to admire it in the light from his torch.

“Here,” demanded Tarn, “give it to me!”

“Bugger off,” Falkon cuffed the boy on the side of his head, “I’m going to keep this safe for the party.”

As he slipped the pearl into the pouch on his belt, Falkon looked up and around. Deep in the cave the sound of the storm was but a mere whisper but he was sure he had heard something. Holding the torch high he peered into the darkness as he strained his ears to hear. Yes, there it was again; it was like the sound of a man in full Cataphract armour clanking his way through the cave towards him. The thought struck him that the pearl’s owner was coming to reclaim his property.

“Run,” he said pushing Tarn towards the exit, “run for your life!”

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	43. Chapter 43

9.

**The Cavern.**

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!” screamed Prince Tarn as he ran into the cave where the party had made camp.

“What the…!” even Faith wasn’t quite quick enough to slap the boy and make him shut-up.

Turning away from Tarn, Faith saw Falkon lumber into the cavern, he at least was saving his breath for running.

“Jeez!” Faith grabbed hold of the man and halted his precipitous flight, “What’s goin’ on?”

“Mon-monster!” gasped Falkon as he panted and pointed back into the darkness of the cavern, “M-metal m-monster!”

“Metal monster?” repeated Dawn as she trotted over to stand next to Faith.

“Yes!” Falkon rested his hands on his knees as he tried to catch his breath, “Coming this way.”

“Crap,” muttered Faith as she drew her sword.

“Like, what sort of metal monster?” Dawn wanted to know; she pulled her own sword from its sheath.

“The usual sort!” exclaimed Falkon testily, “The sort that wants to kill you!”

“Oh,” Dawn breathed a sigh of relief, “that’s totally alright then, for a moment there I thought we were, like, in trouble.”

“Umm,” Kalidor spoke up from the rear; he’d already decided this was no place for a wannabe gynaecologist, “I’ll just go and look after the horses then.”

“Yeah, okay,” Faith replied absently; she could hear a strange clanking, whirring noise coming steadily closer.

“What do we do?” Falkon had regained his breath and held his bone club ready for action.

“Like, what we always do in situations like this,” Dawn took up her fighting stance, sword in one hand dagger in the other, “we fight…much!”

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**Queen Gedren’s Bed Chamber.**

Having had her wick well and truly trimmed, Gedren lay back on her pillows and sighed contentedly; she listened to the storm outside as the rain fell in torrents and the lightning flashed almost continuously. Rolling over onto her side she reached out to stroke the silky smooth skin of her handmaiden. The girl turned her head and smiled into the queen’s eyes.

“Do you love me?” the queen wanted to know.

“With all my heart,” the girl moved closer to the queen and reached out to touch her hip.

“No you don’t!” the queen sighed again and rolled onto her back again.

“But majesty!” the hurt in the girl’s voice was heartbreaking to hear.

“You may say that now,” replied the queen bitterly, “but I know its not true…how could anyone love such an ugly,” the queens hand came up to touch the scar on her right cheek, “disfigured old queen like me?”

“Madam!” the girl pushed herself up on her arms and looked down at the queen, “You are not ugly, neither are you disfigured and as for old? Huh! I don’t know what you’re talking about, you’re what? Twenty-seven?”

“But…?” the queen turned her head away from the girl, she was only saying these things to make her feel better or for some reward.

“Majesty,” this time it was the handmaiden’s turn to sigh, “it’s such a tiny scar…if you just let me use some cosmetics on it no one would even notice it was there!”

Indeed the scar was no more than half an inch long. When she had been a girl her father, the King, had taken her to see the palace being built. She’d been watching one of the stone masons at work when a chip of stone flew up and hit her on the cheek leaving a cut. Of course her father’d had the stone mason executed on the spot and his family sold into slavery (her father was a real ‘old-fashioned’ king). But, that hadn’t stopped the cut from leaving a scar which Gedren had felt self-conscious about for the rest of her life. She often wondered if it hadn’t been for that little accident that had blighted her life, whether she’d be trying to restore the old empire now.

“HA!” laughed the queen bitterly, “If you truly loved me you’d tell me the truth.”

“But I am!” the handmaiden almost sobbed with frustration, “You are beautiful and wise and clever and I truly, deeply love you!”

The girl threw her leg across the queen’s body and rolled on top of her, her lips crushed down on the queen’s with the force of her passion as her hands roamed over the queen’s shapely body.

“Please, Majesty,” gasped the girl, “please tell me what I need to do to convince you of that simple fact.”

“Well,” the queen smiled as she caressed her handmaiden’s breasts and felt her nipples go hard at her touch, “there’s always that thing with the egg whisk and celery that you do so well!”

0=0=0=0

**Meanwhile back at the Cavern.**

Leaning on their swords Faith and Dawn tried to catch their breath, Falkon was sitting on a rock breathing heavily and trying not to have a heart attack. In contrast the glittering, silver, metal skeleton that was the ‘Killing Machine’ stood motionless on the other side of the cave. Apart from a few minor dents and scratches it looked no worse for having been attacked by the slayer and her friends for the last ten minutes.

“Like, this isn’t working,” panted Dawn.

“Y’think?” Faith pushed herself upright and took a firm grip on her sword, “I could’a sworn we were wearing it down.”

“Yeah, like, right,” Dawn came to stand by her friend once more, she glanced over her shoulder at Falkon, “You, like, okay? You look, like totally ill!”

“Oh,” Falkon heaved himself to his feet and staggered over to where the women stood, “its nothing serious,” he breathed deeply still trying to catch his breath, “just a heart attack…nothing serious…nothing for you to worry about.”

“That’s alright then,” Faith gave the silver skeleton and it spinning cogs and slowly unwinding springs a cold calculating look. “Hey, if we can keep it occupied maybe it’ll unwind or something.”

“Is that, like, the best you have?” asked Dawn incredulously.

“Well, yeah,” Faith sounded a little defensive, “you gotta better idea?”

“Yeah, like maybe,” Dawn relaxed and took a pace towards the killing machine. “Can you, like talk?” 

The killing machine’s head swivelled to look at Dawn.

“Yes,” it said in a surprisingly feminine voice.

“Okay,” Dawn took a deep breath and asked, “can you like totally learn?” Again the machine said ‘Yes’. “Good!” Dawn grinned back at Faith who was completely mystified by now. “Are you, like, willing to entertain a few new concepts?” Dawn wanted to know. 

”I am always receptive to new ideas,” replied the killing machine metallically. 

“Like great!” Dawn smiled excitedly, “Totally think about this then… How do you know you exist?”

”Well,” the killing machine scratched its head sending sparks bouncing onto the floor, “of course I exist.”

”Yeah, wicked, but how do you know you, like _really_ exist?” Dawn persisted. 

”It is intuitively obvious,” the killing machine replied crossly, it took a step towards Dawn, “I think I should kill you now.”

”Like, intuition is so not proof,” Dawn replied quickly retreating from the machine. “Like, what concrete evidence do you have that you really, totally exist?” 

“Hmmmm...” the machine paused, “well...” again it scratched its head, “I think, therefore I am.”

“That's good,” Dawn replied, “that's, like way good,” she paused before continuing, “But, like, how do you know that anything else totally exists, much?

“M-my s-sensory apparatus r-reveals it to me,” the machine was definitely beginning to sound unsure of itself.

“But,” Dawn was closing in for the kill now, “like, what if it was all totally false data? Like, what if it was just your freaking imagination that was telling you things, like, existed…totally.”

“But…” the machines voice had slowed as its cogs spun and its springs twanged.

“And if everything around you is’ like false,” Dawn’s words wormed their way into the machine’s ‘mind’, “who’s to say that you’re not, like, a figment of your own imagination and totally don’t exist either, much!?”

The machine suddenly looked right at Dawn, its eyes glowing redly for a moment.

“Thank-you for explaining,” it said before it fell to the ground making a noise like a bull in a cooking pot factory.

“YAY-ME!” cheered Dawn as she punched the air.

“Cool,” whispered Faith as she looked at Dawn with new found respect, the girl never ceased to amaze her.

“Remind me never to get into an argument with you,” Falkon sat down heavily on his rock again.

“HA!” everyone turned to see Prince Tarn standing on a large stone waving his sword about, “Once again the armies of the Great Prince Tarn have defeated the forces of the evil tyrant Gedren!”

“Oh, shut up!” Faith cuffed the boy around the head sending him flying across the cave to land in a heap near where Kalidor hid.

Dawn went over to where her belongings lay and found her little set of tools. A complicated machine like the Killing Machine probably had some gems in it to make it work, like old wind-up clocks. Finding the little bundle of tools she went and sat on the ground by the machine. She had a small hammer and chisel for getting gems out of settings, slim blades that she could use as screwdrivers and a pair of pliers that she normally used for pulling gold teeth.

After working on the machine for awhile she’d collected a small pile of diamonds and rubies. There was just one final place to look; Dawn had found a large screw head in the machine’s skull. Taking the largest of her screwdrivers she started to unscrew what was obviously the access port to whatever made the machine work.

“Weird,” she said once she’d got the cover off.

“What’s up?” called Faith from across the cave.

“Nothing,” Dawn removed the contents of the hole she’d uncovered and held it up to look at it in the fire light, “it’s just like weird, is all.”

She held up a piece of potato that had been deep fried in oil.

“Yeah,” Faith came over to look at the thing in Dawn’s hand, “that must be the chip that makes it work!”

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**The following morning near Queen Gedren’s palace.**

The storm had eventually passed and our party of heroes made their way deeper into Gedren’s thankfully small realm. Hearing riders on the road ahead of them they pulled their horses off the track way and hid between the trees that lined the road. They saw a Herald and a small detachment of cavalry gallop by.

“I wonder where they’re going in such a hurry?” Falkon followed the riders with his eyes as they rode on down the muddy road.

“Maybe,” Dawn giggled quietly, “like, the queen has sent them to invite us for tea!”

Everyone laughed, then as soon as the soldiers were out of sight they rode back onto the track and continued on towards Gedren’s lair.

0=0=0=0

**Later.**

“Doesn’t look, like, very lairy,” Dawn gazed at the queen’s palace; this would be the second time during this adventure that her preconceived idea’s proved to be nothing like reality.

“No it’s far too, light and airy looking to be the lair of an evil tyrant,” agreed Falkon, “maybe the rows of executed prisoners are on the other side and we can’t see them from here.”

“It’s a trick,” announced Tarn, once again he’d whipped his sword out and was waving it about; more of a danger to his companions than Gedren’s forces. “The Tyrant thinks she can beguile you with the beauty of her palace and…!”

“Shut-up,” Faith absently cuffed the boy knocking him from his horse and sending him sprawling in the mud. “The brat might have a point,” she conceded, “maybe this is a trap.”

“Yeah, totally,” agreed Dawn.

“Then we act like it is a trap,” suggested Falkon.

“I’ll vait here then shall I?” Kalidor asked nervously, “Just in case,” the party started to move towards the palace, “I could go for help, if you vant?”

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**A little later.**

The party sat on their horses and read the notice on the palace gates, it read; ‘Palace Opening hours 10:30am to 4:30pm daily, except Sunday’.

“Ve’re early,” observed Kalidor as he turned his horse away from the palace, “maybe ve should come back later?”

“Look!” cried Tarn annoyingly, “there’s no guards we can scale the walls and be inside before the Tyrant can…!”

Once again Faith knocked the boy off his horse and into the mud, you’d think he’d start to learn by now.

“The brat’s not wrong,” admitted Faith, “we could be inside, no fuss no muss and no dressing up as washer women.”

“I’m all for that,” agreed Dawn, “I totally hate dressing up as a washer women.”

“So we climb the walls,” Falkon started to untie a length of rope from his saddle, “who stays here and guards the gate?”

“ME!” Kalidor’s hand shot up into the air, “I’ll volunteer for that really dangerous duty!”

“I don’t know,” Faith leant forward on her saddle, “maybe the brat should stay behind.”

“NO!” cried the prince of mud, “I demand…!”

This time it was Dawn’s well placed boot between Tarn’s shoulders that sent him sprawling in the mud once more.

“Yeah,” Dawn nodded her head, “like how annoying would it be to have to totally storm the lair of the evil queen bitch with mud-boy tagging along?”

“She’s got a point,” Falkon looked at Kalidor, “and look if we leave him here by himself maybe some one will kill him or take him away?”

“But…?” Kalidor was beginning to think that he might have to put himself in danger.

“Why would anyone, like, want to carry that off?” Dawn gestured towards the mud drenched prince, “killing him I could understand but…”

“HEY!” cried Faith, “off topic people!” she looked around at her available forces, “Dawn, Falkon, Kalidor you come with me…Prince shit-head can guard the door, come on lets get going!”

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**The Palace Dungeons.**

Staring at his scrying bowl in disbelief, Toth Amon watched as Faith and her party started to scale the walls of the palace. How had they escaped the clutches of his Killing Machine? Why weren’t the queen’s guards cutting the interlopers down or pouring boiling oil on their heads? The answer came to him in a flash; he had been betrayed! The queen had obviously made a deal with the two barbarian bitches, she wasn’t going to lift a finger to try and stop them. She’d let them get into the palace unhindered and then no doubt direct them to his dungeon. He turned to look at his zombie-like slave warriors.

“To arms,” he cried melodramatically, “the barbarians are at the gate!”

As his guards collected their armour and weapons, Toth Amon stood trying to decide what to do. These barbarian whores had plagued him for nearly two years now. Everything he’d tried seemed to fail, they must have the gods on their side, there was only one thing left to do.

“Guard the door,” he ordered his slaves, “let none pass…this will be your day of glory!”

Turning he swept from the chamber and down a flight of stone steps into an even deeper darker chamber where he kept the Davy Crockett rockets. Yes, he thought, he could set one of the bombs to go off and in one fell swoop he could rid himself of all his enemies. The barbarian whores, the bitch queen; everyone would be vaporised in a blinding flash of fire. While he would simply teleport himself to minimum safe distance and watch.

“ **MAW-HA-HA**!” he laughed as he started to set the timer on the bomb.

0=0=0=0


	44. Chapter 44

10.

“Look,” Dawn pointed upwards, “there’s like a totally big opening, way big enough to crawl through.”

“That’s good of them,” observed Falkon.

“Maybe it’s der trap,” Kalidor looked up at the wall apprehensively, “did I mention I don’t like der heights?”

“Me,” Faith started to climb the wall, “I’ll take everything I’m offered.”

“Yeah,” muttered Dawn quietly as she started to climb, “except, like when it comes to rewards, much.”

Very soon the assault party had climbed the wall and had clambered into the opening that Dawn had pointed out. The opening led into a pipe-like passage about three feet across, it sloped gently upwards which made their assent much easier.

“I’ll start my diet tomorrow,” quipped Falkon as he heaved himself, puffing and panting, along the pipe.

“I vonder vot they use it for?” Kalidor studied the smooth stonework of the pipe.

“Oh, its like probably for pouring boiling oil down,” Dawn replied cheerfully.

“Oh muttie,” whimpered Kalidor.

“Hey, you guys,” Faith called quietly from the front, “I can see the top.”

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**Queen Gedren’s private chambers.**

The Queen and her handmaiden were just getting down to some serious wick trimming when someone started banging loudly on the door.

“Go away I’m busy!” cried the queen.

“It is I, Ikol,” called Ikol from the other side of the door, “I bring news, Great Queen.”

“Darn,” sighed the queen, she sat up in her bed and put a robe around her shoulders, “what is it?”

“Umm,” hesitated Ikol, “can I come in?”

“Oh,” muttered the queen angrily, “if you must.”

Opening the door, Ikol insinuated himself into the room. Giving a little cry of alarm the queen’s handmaiden disappeared under the bed clothes.

“What is it?” asked the queen testily, “Can’t you see I’m busy?”

“Indeed, oh Great Queen,” Ikol bowed low, “but I bring urgent news.”

“OH!” gasped the queen as a smile flickered across her lips, “and, er, WHAT!” she shrieked as something moved under the sheets, “Would that be?”

Frowning Ikol watched as the queen lay back on her pillows with a contented sigh, there appeared to be a lot of movement under the bed covers.

“The barbarians are at the gate, Great Queen,” Ikol pointed in the general direction of the gates.

“Oh yes,” moaned the queen her eyes becoming unfocused for a moment. “Oh yes! I mean,” the queen coughed into her hand in an attempt to cover her lapse of attention, “WHY!” squealed the queen squirming about in her bed, “Don’t we JUST have them kill the old ZOMbie wizard?” the queen was breathing quite heavily now as she bit her finger in a bid to stop herself crying out anew.

“A brilliant idea, Great Queen,” Ikol bowed again and started to back towards the door, “I’ll have the guards drive the intruders towards his dungeon.”

With a relieved sigh, Ikol turned and swept from the room closing the door on the queen’s girlish laugher as he did so.

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**Back at the pipe.**

Coming to the end of the pipe, Faith looked out into a large chamber full of empty cauldrons hanging over unlit braziers. It would appear Dawn had been correct; the pipe was for pouring boiling oil down. Cautiously she stepped out into the chamber and drew her sword, hearing a noise behind her she glanced over her shoulder to see Kalidor standing behind her his own sword out and shaking in his hand.

“LOOK OUT!” cried Faith as a guard appeared on the platform above and behind Kalidor.

The guard, surprised by Faith’s cry of alarm stumbled and tripped, he fell forward off the platform and impaled himself on Kalidor’s up pointed sword, Kalidor screamed like a frightened schoolgirl. Then, just as he was trying to disentangle himself from the guard’s corpse, Dawn followed by Falkon climbed out of the pipe and into the chamber.

“See!” beamed Dawn totally ignoring Kalidor’s struggles, “I was, like totally right…it’s where they, like boil oil!”

Almost before she’d stopped speaking more guards appeared from the doors at either end of the room. There was a short and extremely bloody scuffle as the guards succumbed to the blades of our heroes. Pulling Kalidor to his feet, Faith looked around the chamber at her friends as they stood amongst the corpses.

“Look,” she wiped the blood from the end of her sword, “I’ll try and find this talisman thing and destroy it. Dawn, you find this Queen Gedren bitch…”

“What do I like do with her then, much?” Dawn pulled the Heart of Araman from its pouch on her belt and held it firmly in her left hand.

“Whatever you want,” replied Faith shortly.

“Coool!” Dawn grinned.

“Falkon,” Faith frowned as she looked at Kalidor who was cowering in the corner trying to get the dead guard’s blood off his jacket. “Sorry, but you take Kalidor and cause as much of a diversion as you can, okay?”

“If I have to,” sneered Falkon as he looked at the Steppe Lord.

“Okay then lets go!” Faith disappeared down a side passage as the others scurried off in diverse directions.

0=0=0=0

Leading the way and dragging Kalidor behind him, Falkon had only gone a few yards along a corridor when he came to a guard room…full of guards! With a roar he lifted his great thigh bone above his head and charged the startled guards. Behind him Kalidor held his sword out in front of him in trembling hands.

“I have swimmers ear!” Kalidor whimpered as a guard rushed at him, tripped on a discarded beef bone and fell onto his sword.

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**Meanwhile, back at the main gate.**

Feeling bored, Prince Tarn looked up at the gate and the massive walls that surrounded the tyrant’s palace. Just as he was beginning to think that maybe, just maybe he’d been fooled into staying here because no one wanted him around; Tarn jumped back in surprise as the gates started to open. Drawing his sword, he squeezed through the partially opened gates to confront the crowd of panicking servants who were milling about waiting for the gate to open fully. They’d been warned to leave by the captain of the guard who’d told them that barbarians had broken into the palace.

“HA!” Tarn cried as he struck what he thought was a heroic pose, his sword flashing through the air, “Gedren’s blackguards!” he cried, “It is I, Price Tarn of Kablach…AGH!”

“Out of the way shorty!” cried a not very large page-boy as he elbowed Tarn to one side and lead the exodus from the palace.

Picking himself up from the none too clean floor, Tarn looked around to find he was alone. Having single-handedly defeated the forces of the Tyrant Queen, he retrieved his sword, dusted himself off and headed deeper into the palace.

0=0=0=0

Running along a long corridor, Tarn skidded to a halt and looked through a huge doorway to his right. There before him lay Gedren’s throne room, he advanced cautiously. It appeared deserted except for a handmaiden who sat nervously on a chair next to Gedren’s throne.

“Queen Gedren!” demanded the boy prince, “Where is she!?”

“She’s gone!” the handmaiden stood up and took a step towards the boy, “I’m so glad you’ve come,” her voice trembled as she spoke, “I was so frightened, will you protect me!”

Full of his own self-importance, Tarn strutted into the throne room only to be grabbed from behind by Gedren herself.

“SO!” the great queen held a knife to the struggling boy’s throat, “Prince Brat honours us with his presence, unwisely…MAW-HA-HA!”

“Majesty?” the queen’s handmaiden stepped down from the throne dais and walked towards her queen.

“WHAT!?” snapped the queen sharply.

“The maniacal laughter, Majesty,” the girl frowned sadly at her monarch.

“Did I do it again?” asked the queen; her maid nodded her head, “Damn-it!” growled the queen as she shook the boy prince, “See what you’re mere presence does to me boy?”

“GEDREN!” Dawn burst from a secret passage behind the throne; she’d got totally lost and it was only by good fortune that she’d found the throne room, she came to a halt and glared at the queen, “You are, like Queen Gedren?”

“Hannah the Henna Haired Harridan!!” the Queen tightened her hold on the boy, “Yes I’m Queen Gedren…what of it?”

“Hey!” Dawn relaxed from her fighting stance and took a couple of steps towards the queen, “Who’s this Hannah chick? I’m totally not her, I’m, like Red Dawn!”

“Who?” frowned the queen.

“Whatever,” Dawn sighed as she took another step towards the queen.

“One more step,” warned the queen, “and Kablach will need a new prince!”

“Whatever,” repeated Dawn with a shrug and continued towards the queen.

“RUN, MAJESTY!” cried the queen’s handmaiden as she grabbed hold of Dawn’s arm and tried to pull her to a halt.

Instead of running the queen pushed Tarn to the floor and turned to pick up a sword that’d been carelessly left lying against the wall of the throne room.

“Get offa me freak!” Dawn placed her foot behind the girl’s ankle and pushed, just as Faith had taught her; the girl fell and sprawled on the ground as Dawn brought her sword up ready to fight.

Anger flashed across the face of the queen at the sight of her handmaiden being treated so roughly.

“You’ll pay for that,” snarled the queen.

“Like, you what?” Dawn was confused, evil-bitch-tyrant-queens weren’t supposed to get pissed because someone manhandled (or in this case, woman-handled) the ‘help’.

Bringing her sword up, Dawn blocked the queen’s first attack. Their blades clanged together and sparks flew as the two women circled each other warily feeling out the other for weaknesses. Then, as if by mutual agreement, Dawn and the queen had at each other in a flurry of sword strokes that filled the throne room with the sound of ringing metal.

0=0=0=0

**Down in the Dungeons.**

Bursting into a small Guard room, Faith slaughtered the three jailers, who’d been innocently playing cards, without breaking step. Standing amid their broken, bleeding bodies she cast about for the keys. There hanging on a peg by a door that led even further into the maze of tunnels under the palace, hung a bunch of large iron keys. Snatching up the keys, Faith ran on, looking this way and that for wherever the queen had hidden the talisman. Turning left into a corridor, Faith saw a small group of female warriors standing guarding a heavy wooden door. This must be where Gedren had hidden the talisman, a thought crossed Faith’s mind. If the talisman got its power prom the light, why had the queen hidden it away in the dark? The guards had seen her so Faith had no time to answer her own question. The guards advanced on her like zombies and Faith realised that they must be under a spell or something…she couldn’t really kill them, this wasn’t their fault.

Using her sword only to block the rather slow and wooden attacks, Faith kicked and punched her way through the guards until she came to the door they were guarding. Pushing away the mind-controlled warrioress’, she pushed on the door. To her relief it opened and she burst into yet another chamber. Shutting and barring the door against pursuit, she looked around this new chamber for any sign of her goal. Apart from some discarded clothes and bedding the room was bereft of talismans, seeing another door standing open, Faith headed for that and ran down the stairs that led to an even darker, danker and above all smellier chamber. Standing at the threshold she paused; even with her slayer enhanced sight the room looked dark and forbidding. Even so she could just make out a pile of long wooden boxes stacked against the far wall.

Stepping silently into the room, Faith held her sword in both hands ready to fight what ever jumped out to attack her. Half way across the room and concentrating on the boxes; she saw large letters written in white paint on their sides. Her slayer senses warned her of danger while her nose picked up the stench of corruption that had suddenly got stronger. Turning with all the speed of a whirlwind, Faith caught a glimpse as a tall figure appeared out of the darkness of the room’s corner. It shuffled towards her, a low moan of rage and hate coming from the rotting maw of its mouth. This decaying obscenity raised a sword in its putrefying hand in an attempt to cut her down. Bringing her own sword up with blinding speed, Faith caught the decomposing horror under the jaw. Her sword easily cut through the dry, festering flesh separating the creatures head from its body. There was a loud clang as the apparition’s sword fell from its hand to crash onto the stone floor. The creature’s ragged, rotting robes fell to the floor as the monster turned to grave dust.

“Gross!” breathed Faith before turning back toward the boxes.

Another two paces brought Faith to where she could see inside an open crate that lay on top of the pile. Her eyes grew round with alarm as she recognised what she saw; a fat obscene cylinder lay within the box. An inspection panel had been removed and small red lights winked at her malevolently from within.

“You have…thirty seconds…” a robotic voice told her, “...to reach minimum safe distance. Twenty-nine…twenty-eight…”

“CRAP!” for an instant Faith considered running, but realised that by the time she’d got out of the palace the bomb would have long gone off; she’d have to defuse the bomb in the time she had left.

“Twenty-five…twenty-four…” the bomb ticked off the seconds.

Snatching up a discarded booklet that lay by the box Faith stared in horror at the first page. Luckily she found she could read the mystical runes on the book they said…’US Army Surplus, M-388 Tactical Nuclear Weapons System’; she turned a page and started to read;

‘Thank-you for choosing the M-388 Tactical Nuclear Weapons System, with care this system will give you many years of good service and fore fill all your tactical nuclear weapon’s needs’. 

“Crap!” muttered Faith, this was going to take some time.

“Twenty-one…nineteen…” said the bomb.

0=0=0=0

**Meanwhile, back in the Throne Room.**

Staggering away from each other, Dawn and Gedren leaned on their swords and gasped for breath. Damn, thought Dawn, they were evenly matched. This was going to be a long and bloody fight. Normally in a sword fight you took your opponent down quickly and moved on; only occasionally did you take longer…like now.

“You, like wanna give up?” Dawn noticed she was recovering quicker than the queen, she brought her sword up ready to renew the fight.

“Never, barbarian!” gasped the queen readying herself to receive Dawn’s renewed attack.

“Okay,” Dawn smiled, it seemed like the thing to do, “can’t say I did….HEY!” Dawn found her arms being held tightly to her side as someone grabbed her from behind. “CRAP!” she cursed, Dawn had forgotten about the handmaiden.

Stamping down hard with her booted foot, Dawn heard the girl yelp with pain causing her to loosened her hold on Dawn’s arms. Noticing the queen step forward, Dawn saw her hand reaching towards girl, the queen had not even tried to attack Dawn.

“Weird?” muttered Dawn.

Without really thinking about it, Dawn reversed her sword and stabbed backwards, she didn’t think that she’d actually hit anything this was just a desperation move to make her attacker let go and jump out of the way of her blade. Dawn was shocked to feel the familiar sensation of her sword entering a human body.

“NO!” screamed the queen her eyes wide with shock, her hand covered her mouth as if to stifle the cry of distress that rose from her chest.

Turning Dawn found the first ten inches of her sword buried in the girl’s stomach. The girl looked at her shocked as if she couldn’t believe what had gone wrong. The handmaiden’s eyes sort out those of the queen as her knees gave way and she fell to the floor. Reaching desperately for the queen the girl slowly fell onto her face and lay still.

“Crap!” Dawn looked down at the girl as the blood spread from under her body; Dawn hadn’t meant to kill her, why’d she attacked like that? 

This was all against the rules, servants of the evil ruler weren’t supposed to get themselves killed like this. Turning at the sound of the queen’s roar of pain and loss, Dawn spun on the balls of her feet ducking under the queen’s wild attack. Striking across the queen’s body, Dawn sensed her blade bite and felt warm blood spray across her face. The queen crashed to her knees as her sword fell from her numbed hand, she looked down at the gaping wound in her stomach and then up at Dawn who stood over her in shocked silence.

“So,” gasped the queen, “you’ve killed me after all, red-hair,” the dying woman looked over at the dead girl, “my father always said I was too soft hearted to be a really great queen and love would be my downfall.”

“He did?” Dawn cast her sword aside and knelt down by the dying queen, resting the woman’s head against her leg.

“I loved her, you understand,” Queen Gedren reached out and took her handmaiden’s hand in her own, “and I finally believe that she loved me…too late of course.” The queen laughed bitterly, “Always too late,” the she looked at the blood on her hand then back up into Dawn’s face, “I tried my best,” a spasm of pain caused the queen to grip Dawn’s arm harder, “now its your turn, girl.”

“What?” Dawn was confused what was the woman going on about?

“You thought you could just come in here kill the evil queen and ride off into the sunset, didn't you? The queen’s laugh turned to a cough as blood stained her lips, “Well, that’s too easy, girl, there’s still a kingdom to be ruled an empire to build.”

“Yeah, like…” Dawn didn’t know what to say.

“You can’t be a ‘hero’ all your life, girl,” Gedren laughed and sprayed blood over Dawn’s arm. “Mark well what I say girl,” gasped Queen Gedren her voice a mere whisper, “first you lose your values, then you inevitably lose your self respect…heroing really screws you up!”

With a final, quiet, ‘Maw-Ha-Ha’, the Great Queen turned her eyes to where her handmaiden lay and died.

“HA!” cried Prince Tarn as he advanced across the blood soaked throne room, “The Evil Tyrant, Gedren is dead!”

Laying the queen’s body gently on the floor Dawn stood up and felt in the pouch on her belt for the Heart of Araman. Luckily for the boy it wasn’t there, she must have dropped it somewhere, so, instead of killing the brat she settled for hitting him so hard it sent him staggering across the throne room to crash into the far wall.

“Hey!” Faith’s voice came to Dawn’s ears from behind the throne, “Brat piss you off again?”

“Yeah,” sighed Dawn looking down at the dead queen and her handmaiden, she looked at Faith, “Do you ever get the feeling we were fighting on the wrong side?”

“All the time,” Faith put a sisterly arm around Dawn’s shoulder, “all the time.”

“Excuse me?” a man’s voice came to them from the main door.

“HA!” Tarn had climbed back to his feet and was making his way across the chamber to where Gedren’s Chancellor stood. “IKOL!” cried Tarn, “Gedren’s black spider, come to share the fate of your queen?”

“You can kill him if you want,” Dawn called over to Ikol.

“No, I don’t think I’ll bother,” Ikol batted the boy away as he walked over to where Dawn and Faith stood; as he passed Gedren’s body he paused and gave the dead queen a small bow. “So you beat the Queen,” he sighed tiredly, “pity, I had high hopes for her…so, which one of you wants the job?”

“WHAT!?” Faith and Dawn chorused.

“Well,” Ikol shrugged his shoulders, “it’s kind of traditional, you kill the queen and you get to wear the crown,” Ikol smiled, “it’s also a sort of curse.”

“He’s right,” Kalidor walked into the throne room, “there’ll be der power vacuum othervise.”

“We wouldn’t want Prince Brat grabbing power,” Falkon walked in behind Kalidor chewing on a leg of mutton.

“So really,” Ikol looked at Dawn and Faith and spread his hands helplessly, “which one of you wants the job?”

“Not me!” Faith backed away from the group hurriedly.

“HEY!” Dawn snagged hold of Faith’s arm bringing her to a halt, “You don’t get outta this so easily…I can’t, like do it totally on my own.”

“Okay,” frowned Faith, “we’ll both do it!”

Everyone gasped at the radical idea.

“Dawn can do all the thinking stuff,” Faith explained quickly, “and I’ll go ‘round breaking heads, y’know like be the general,” she looked at Ikol, “you have an army, right?”

“Yes,” Ikol nodded his head, the idea of two rulers was beginning to grow on him, “quite an effective one as it happens.”

“Okay then,” Dawn stood up straight, “as my first order as, like queen…”

“Dual Queen,” Ikol pointed out.

“Yeah, right,” Dawn nodded, “my first order is…lets get this place tidied up and have a party!”

“And the old queen?” Ikol nodded down at the bodies on the floor.

“Oh yeah,” Dawn hesitated for the merest of moments, “yeah, scrap the party…we gotta like arrange a funeral and Ikol,” she glanced up at her Chancellor, “We’ll have them buried together,” Dawn turned to look at her sister Queen, “That okay with you Queen Faith?”

“Knock ya self out, Queen Dawn.”

As they watched the old queen and her lover being carried away, Dawn went to whisper in Faith’s ear.

“The talisman thing,” Dawn looked around to check no one was listening, “what happened?”

“No problemo, Queen Dawnie,” Faith thought she could get used to this queen thing after all, “it’s all dealt with. But we’ll maybe need to brick the place up later, y’know?”

Dawn nodded her head regally.

0=0=0=0

**Deep under the Palace.**

In a deep, dark, dank dungeon lay the crates containing the Davy Crockett warheads. In the open crate lay the bomb which had been armed by the now permanently dead wizard Toth Amon; it lay silent and unblinking. Its electronic controls had been ripped from their casing and smashed into little shards of metal and plastic never to worry anybody again.

0=0=0=0

**Some months later.**

Queen Dawn sat in her office looking through the old queen’s records and accounts. Gedren, hadn’t been as bad as she’d been painted, of course there’d been the destroying cities and stuff. But that was only after she’d offered the city’s ruler’s very reasonable terms of surrender. Many other city’s had accepted her as their ‘Great Queen’ and were now thriving. It was only the cities with arseholes in charge and wouldn’t surrender that got zapped. Gedren had done her best for the survivors too; for a moment Dawn felt a pang of guilt but shook it off.

“We’ve got trouble!”

Looking up Dawn saw Faith stride into the room.

“Like, what’s up?” Dawn sighed wearily and put down her pen.

“It’s that asshole Tarn again,” Faith’s face was like thunder, “he’s having everyone who swore loyalty to Gedren killed or thrown in jail.”

“Asshole!” spat Dawn, something needed to be done about the brat once and for all.

“Yeah, and he’s having his palace rebuilt while his people are still living in the ruins.” Faith shook her head, “Is it alright if I take the army and kick his ass?”

“No!” Dawn stood up a malicious grin on her face, “Take the army and totally bring his head back on like a pike!”

“No problemo,” Faith turned and left, no doubt to get the army on the move.

Sitting down again, Dawn picked up her pen and got back to work.

In a dark corner, hidden by a tapestry and unseen by either queen, Ikol stood and smiled. It seemed to him that his old Great Queen still haunted the palace, he spoke to her often.

“I think these two will do nicely,” he told the queen’s shade with a smile.

0=0=0=0

**Epilogue.**

**Nine Years Later.**

Stepping out of her sunken bath, Dawn was set upon by a horde of teenage girls wielding fluffy white towels.

“Hmmph!” mumbled Dawn as she flailed about wildly with her arms, “Get offa me!”

The girl’s retreated clutching their towels and watched their Great Queen nervously. Free of her Ladies in Waiting’s attentions, Dawn sighed and regained control of a little of her temper.

“Someone call my handmaidens,” she snapped, “NOW!”

A couple of the girls hurried from the room as the others continued to retreat before the Great Queen and cast each other fearful glances; they all knew (or thought they did, which was almost as good) what happened to Ladies in Waiting who displeased the queen.

“Sorry,” sighed Dawn, “I shouldn’t have snapped like that, I must be feeling hormonal or something,” she stroked her tummy which was just beginning to swell with her third child. “Now run along and like trim your wicks or something…”

The girl’s giggled behind their hands.

“…but be ready in time for the big parade, okay?”

There was a quiet chorus of ‘Yes Majesty’, much curtsying and rustling of silk dresses as the girl’s headed for the door. Finally the Queen found herself alone for a moment; she slumped onto a handy sofa and sighed. When she’d taken the job as ‘Duel Queen of Hayasa’ she’d not realised that she’d come to appreciate privacy so much.

“Majesty?”

Turning at the sound of the voice, Dawn smiled, it was Anahita her chief handmaiden.

“Help me, Ana,” sighed Dawn as she looked up at the young woman miserably, “pur-leeeez.”

“Of course, Majesty,” Anahita advanced towards Dawn picking up discarded towels as she did so.

The young woman snapped her fingers and three more young women appeared, they started to dry off their still damp queen and rub sweetly scented oils into her skin.

“What would I do without you guys?” sighed Dawn.

“If I might venture an observation, Majesty?” Anahita pulled the stopper from the bath, “You’d have to do it all yourself.”

“Well duh!” Dawn smiled, “Like, we totally couldn’t have that now could we?”

“Indeed not, Majesty,” agreed Anahita solemnly.

0=0=0=0

The reason for all the fuss was that it was Friday. On Friday all the real work at the Imperial Court stopped. Today all the Chancellors and Chamberlains would read their weekly reports. Not that Dawn needed to hear them, she kept her finger well and truly on the pulse of what was happening in the empire. No, this was more for public consumption, reports of the ‘Friday Meetings’ were posted in every town and city in the empire. Dawn wanted everyone to feel they knew what was happening to their taxes, to feel they had a stake in what the empire did…and see how wonderful their duel Queens were!

The meetings also allowed Dawn to reward and praise those who deserved it and punish and publicly censor those who had abused her trust. Finally it allowed the people an opportunity to appeal to the Queen against some unjust law or heavy handed noble. Dawn saw this as part and parcel of being Queen or one of the Queens. Sometimes she thought Faith had it easy; all she had to do was lead the empire’s armies in battle. Which reminded her, Faith had sent one of her usual terse messages only last week it had read; ‘We won. I’m coming home!’ By which Dawn assumed that Faith had secured the borders of the old empire and they could now sit back and make the Hayasa Empire rich and contented…and a target for every barbarian with a sword and a bow! Sometimes being a queen sucked, but fighting the odd border war would keep Faith happy.

0=0=0=0

“Which colour, Majesty?” Anahita’s voice snapped Dawn out of her musings, the girl stood with a trolley full of cosmetics next to her.

“Whichever you thinks best,” sighed Dawn, “I’m wearing the dark blue gown today.”

“An excellent choice, Majesty,” Anahita started to select cosmetics from the trolley.

“Not meaning to be, like, bitchy, Ana,” Dawn looked up at her handmaiden, “but would you say that even if I said I was going to wear bright orange with green polka-dots or something?”

“Of course not, Majesty,” a smile quirked around Anahita’s lips, “but I’d try to dissuade you from such a radical choice.”

“Good, thank-you,” Dawn smiled and settled back as her girls started to apply her cosmetics.

Her twelve handmaidens were Dawn’s most interment of servants, recruited from the ranks of the merchant classes they were the closest thing Dawn had to friends. Her Ladies in Waiting were all very nice but they were the daughters of nobles and were loyal to their families; or at least that’s how they started out. By the time Dawn married them off (often to young ambitious noblemen) they were her loyal spies; those that weren’t found themselves married to one of Faith’s old retired officers (a very virile and energetic old gentleman) who lived far out on the fringes of the Empire.

0=0=0=0

“If your Majesty could try not to giggle like a schoolgirl?” Anahita leaned forward with a small cosmetics brush to paint Dawn’s nipples.

Frowning and trying to think of anything other than the young woman presently applying cosmetic paint to her nipples, Dawn succeeded in not giggling too much. It was very hard because it tickled so; this had been her first big mistake as queen. Hearing that Dawn and Faith were going to be crowned Duel Queens of Hayasa, Lady Yafa and Lady Varna had sent dresses for them to wear. Of course Faith had scorned the idea and went with a more warlike, slayer look; a very life-like bronze breast plate…with a heavy emphasis on ‘breast’.

Dawn, on the other hand had looked at Yafa’s frontless dress and laughed, wouldn’t it be fun to mess about with all the snooty ladies of the court, she’d thought. So she’d worn the dress, there’d been gasps from the assembled lords and ladies. Much to her shock, however, she found that by the next day all her Ladies in Waiting had copied the style and by the end of the week all the ladies of the court were wearing something similar. Now, Yafa and Varna had a thriving business supplying dresses to the court and all ladies of quality in the empire. Who’d have thought the two women would have got on so well? Yafa with her eye for design and Varna with her organisational abilities. It had been a pity about Beast though, Dawn sighed sadly. What was it the two women had said? He’d died of exhaustion or something; at the time Dawn hadn’t thought anything of it but later she remembered the two women had cast each other very guilty glances.

0=0=0=0

“If your Majesty would like to stand up?” Anahita held out her hand to help Dawn to her feet.

Looking at herself in the full length mirror Dawn nodded with approval, she still had ‘it’ even after two kids and a third on the way. Checking her toe and finger nails and the make-up on her face and breasts, Dawn nodded and a couple of her girls began to lace her into her dress. Once safely in her dress, jewellery was added and a light crown placed on her head. She looked at herself in the mirror and nodded, okay she thought, time to meet her public; turning she smiled at her handmaidens.

“Thanks guys,” she touched hands with each of her girls, “as usual you’ve done a slap up job.” The handmaidens smiled and curtsied. “Now take the rest of the shift off, okay?” Turning Dawn swept from her private chambers out into the hall.

0=0=0=0

The Maiden Guard crashed to attention as Dawn walked out into the great entrance hall. On the walls were murals depicting Dawn and Faith’s rise to power and their later achievements.

“At ease,” Dawn nodded to the Captain in charge of her escort, the officer signalled her troopers to relax.

The Maiden Guard were loyal to Dawn and Dawn alone (Faith had her ‘Companions’ to guard her). The Maiden Guard had grown from the Temple Guards who’d survived Toth Amon’s spells. They were chosen from the Empire’s rural classes and were all big, strong girls who’d been used to hard work in the fields before joining the Guards. They all wore iron chain mail jackets, with plumed bronze helmets; they carried large bronze shields, spears and swords. Their uniforms of black tunic and baggy trousers were trimmed with silver thread, rank being denoted by different coloured sashes.

“Okay,” Dawn stood before the great door that would open in a moment so she could proceed into the audience chamber; her ladies in waiting took up position behind her, “Lets get this show on the road.”

The Guard Captain barked some orders and the Maiden Guard moved in to take up their protective positions. When all was in readiness, Dawn took a deep breath and nodded to the under-chamberlain who was in charge of opening the great bronze clad doors. The man gave a signal and other men hauled on ropes and the doors slowly swung open.

“ _Dawn! AHA! Queen of the Universe!_ ” sang a choir as Dawn started to walk into the huge audience chamber.

0=0=0=0

**Some hours Later.**

Little Princess Faith climbed up into her mother’s lap, yawned, rested her head against her mother’s chest, closed her eyes and went to sleep. Being only four she could get away with such a dire breach of court etiquette. Unlike her big sister, the Princess Sunrise, who was nearly seven so she had to sit next to her mother and listen to hours of really boring stuff when she’d much rather be riding her pony or playing with her friends. The Great Queen looked down at her two girls and smiled; their father’s had been married off to a couple of her Ladies in Waiting; just in case they got any ideas that being the Queen’s one time lovers gave them any special standing where the two little girls were concerned. The father of her unborn child had died in battle when he’d returned to the army. Dawn’d been sad to hear of his death, but it had only been a fleeting affair and well, to be honest, handsome young army officers were ten a penny.

“Is that it, Ikol?” Dawn turned to her Chancellor as she stifled a yawn; it had been a long day and if it went on much longer she’d be falling asleep like little Faith.

“I think that’s it, Great Queen,” Ikol replied apologetically, “shall I call an end to these proceeding?”

Just as Dawn was about to give the royal assent and bring the entire tedious business to a close the great doors at the far end of the chamber burst open. In strode Faith at the head of a small escort of her Companions. Dawn had not been expecting her sister queen to arrive in the capital for another week. She noticed her own guards shift uneasily as Faith approached the dais; it was not unheard of for a successful general to usurp the throne on his or her return. Surely Faith wouldn’t do that; Dawn found herself holding onto her daughter tightly while searching for the dagger hidden within the cushions on her throne. Instead of mounting the dais and taking the throne which stood next to Dawn’s, Faith stopped a yard or so from the base of the dais and stood still. Her Companions formed up behind her and Dawn wondered if she was going to live the day out, had Faith gone evil again, what would happen to her girl’s?

“Hi,” Faith said laconically.

“Hi y’self,” Dawn replied unsure of what was going on, “I, like, got your message…I see we totally won.”

“Yeah,” Faith appeared to relax a little, “the borders of the old empire are sewn up tight…I’ll fill ya in on the details later. Just say the word if ya want anywhere conquered and I’ll get right on it.”

“Yeah, like, wicked,” Dawn was totally puzzled by Faith’s behaviour, “thanks…umm, why don’t you, like come and sit on your throne?”

Dawn patted the ornate chair next to her own, there was something odd going on here but she was damned if she could work out what.

“No thanks, Dawnie,” there was a gasp from the collective throats of the courtiers around the chamber.

“No…thanks?” Dawn repeated, silently saying goodbye to her girls; so this was how she was going to die.

“Yeah…” Faith hesitated for a moment, “...look, Jamshid here,” Faith gestured to an elderly scribe who stood amid her Companions, “wrote this flowery speech for me to say. Well, y’know I’m no good at all this speechifying so I’m just gonna say it…”

Here it comes, thought Dawn, any minute now…

“Dawn,” Faith drew herself up to what looked like attention, “I don’t want to be Queen anymore…”

“You don’t!?” Dawn fought to keep the relief from her voice, “I mean…you what!?”

“I don’t want to be Queen with you anymore,” Faith explained, “you’re better at it than me…if you want I’ll still lead the army for ya, I’m tired an' I wanna go home and rest…maybe screw around a bit, do a little old fashioned slaying that kinda stuff. Maybe just grow fat ‘n’ lazy I don’t know, but I don’t want to be queen…it’s all yours.”

“Umm…” Dawn was lost for words, “...you sure?”

“Sure as can be,” Faith grinned up at her old friend, “we can work the details out later…Jamshid said there’d be some stuff to sign…”

“Yeah,” Dawn rubbed her temple with her hand, this had come like a bolt out of the blue, “I expect there will.”

She turned and looked questioningly at Chancellor Ikol, the old man shrugged his shoulders, he didn’t know what to say or advise either.

“So,” Faith continued, she drew her sword and held it aloft; her bodyguards did likewise, “until then this’ll have to do…” Faith took a deep breath; “All hail Queen Dawn, Empress of the Universe!”

Faith and her men repeated the line until everyone in the chamber had joined in; the Maiden Guard banged the butts of their spears on the marble floor as they joined in the adoration of the Great Queen. Dawn looked around and smiled at her adoring subjects.

“This is like, freaking, totally, wicked!” she told herself and then more soberly, “What if I screw up?”

0=0=0=0

_There's a Queen going ‘round taking names,  
And she decides who to free and who to blame,  
Everybody won't be treated all the same.  
There'll be a golden ladder reaching down,  
When the Great Queen comes around. _

_Will you tremble at the sight of her pike,  
At the terror of each ‘wicked’ and each ‘like’,  
Will you bow down before her armies strike?  
Or disappear into the dusty ground,  
When the Great Queen comes around. _

_Hear the trumpets, hear the pipers,  
One hundred handmaidens trimming,  
Armies are marching to the big kettledrum.  
Voices calling, voices crying,  
Some are born and some are dying,  
It's Great Queen Dawn and her Empire’s come. _

_When there’s nowhere for her armies left to roam,  
When the mother duck leads her ducklings home,  
The wise man will bow down before her throne,  
And at her feet they'll cast their golden crowns,  
When the Great Queen comes around. _

0=0=0=0

_And so it was that the Queen Faith proclaimed Queen Dawn, Great Queen of the Empire. In the years to come artists would immortalise the scene and writers would write many words on what the great Captain General had done that day.  
The Great Queen ruled for many years, Emperors and Kings trembled at the mere mention of her name as her armies swept all before them. She made many conquests and passed many wise laws. Finally she handed over the reigns of power to her daughter, Queen Sunrise I, before going to live in quiet retirement with her old friend, Faith. She died in her seventy-third year mourned by kings and commoners alike…and thus our story comes to a close._

_And I heard, as it were,  
The noise of thunder:  
And I looked and behold: a pale horse.  
And her name, that sat on him, was Dawn.  
And glory followed with her. _

THE END.

A/N; The ‘Hayasian National Anthem’ (When the Great Queen comes around) is based on ‘When the man comes around’ by Johnny Cash. 


End file.
